Thursday, March 31, 2011

Sickness in me.

I can't handle this anymore. It needs to be spring...no summer. It needs to be relief and happiness that stays. I can't handle watching my Gemma sick still or again. I don't even know. She just wants to sit and watch cartoons. Still drinking a little....eating a handful, barely. She just wants to sit. Randomly she will start to eat again and then has enough energy to play for a bit. Then back to sitting. She has that pale look that I hate. I can't stand it. I can feel her tummy bubbling. Is she even sick now. Her tummy is just messed up from being too sick I think. A morning of hope and back to the sit and suck her thumb. This morning not even hope yet. If it was just a week it would be better. She has been sick for a week and better for a few days, then sick again, for over a month. I have been having to overcome everyday. God has been faithful in every part of this. Now God, where is the end. I want to see her pink cheeks...her little legs running, and her little hands playing. God, heal her completely and bring blessing. I praise you because you are faithful God. I am sad and angered at this sickness though. Come.

Friday, March 25, 2011

little wisdoms

I had coffee with an older friend this week. I have enjoyed hanging with olders since I was young. I like to soak in the wisdom of someone who has been through it already. I enjoy the quietness of the soul that knows that God is faithful in whole. I know it but I think just in part. God is wholly faithful but I am party scared to death still.
I turned thirty with excitement for getting older and wiser. I am finding it brings some new issues. I am more aware of my health. My body is aching from having five pregnancies in four years. (I have pelvic floor relapse, a diastisis, and a umbilical hernia). I am more sensitive to medicines and foods. I am more aware of people around me getting sick. 
I wish sometimes that I had taken the time to enjoy my kids and not rushed for the next one. I think I wanted to build up my family quickly in fear that I didn't know how many children I would lose or gain. Another affect of my miscarriages. It took so long to wait until four months, three months.....to get past the safe zone of pregnancy and then find out I had to start all over again. And even then, what if I lost a child. But my God is faithful and he is not punishing me for anything. I have three healthy children, besides the minor issue, and God is rebuilding my faith. I had been sideswiped by tragedy. God was still there. I don't think I even am afraid of death but of pain. I want to guard all things. I want to protect. Sometimes we have to bear pain....and sometimes our children have to bear pain. It will build character.
I will be glad when I look back as a peaceful and steady old woman. My smile wrinkles will be the deepest and my heart full of blessing.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The What Ifs.

I think it would be fun to see God's hand working in real time. I see it in retrospect. I would love to see into the spiritual world for a day and have my eyes open to what was going on in whole; body, mind, spirit. That is where faith's place is, but for fun.....
What if an angel's hand cradled the head of my child as they launched themselves towards the corner of the fireplace.... wall.... cupboard....
What if God whispered in my ear to wake up just as my son was climbing on the stool, on top of the chair, to get to the candy hidden in the top cupboard.
What if God spoke directly to my heart as I had my shower to step out and find my son who had climbed on the stove, turned it on, and turned it back off. Maybe God was speaking to him to turn it back off too before he cooked his little bum.
What if I saw God standing beside me waiting for the time to take my family out of the city.
What if he drove us to a place where we learned healing, forgiveness, faith.
What if he whispered a verse, a song, to encourage my friend, that in turn encouraged me.
What if I saw the thread he wound around us.
What if I could see the angels standing guard at my children's bedroom doors as they slept.
What if I even saw the second a car flew back onto their own side of the road before I turned the corner.
What if I felt the hand of God on my back.
What if I saw the return of a giving spirit in whole of what I received.
What if I could see what was coming from the seeds I planted today.
Maybe if I didn't have so many "what if's" I would stop second guessing God and imagining awful fates, and start seeing God's hand. Most of these things have happened and there is no what if about them. It was God. He is in control. At least if I add the what ifs of a faithful God to the what ifs of a circumstantial world, I will have hope and in retrospect, joy.
Philippians 4:4-9 (check it out).

Thursday, March 17, 2011

walls

I am having a good day. The sun is shining (which always helps). My kids are on the mend. And I am encouraged. Yesterday I started to search for a way out of the fear that I have when my kids are sick. I found some peace. It is not fixed but it will be. There is hope. I talked to a few good friends and they shared their experiences, helped me normalize my filter once again. I am pushing myself to let go a bit in this.
Today I got out of the house and went to visit a best. I am laughing because she has already written a post since I left her house too. It is so encouraging to find my truths with my friends and to hope in things together. To share life. I am reminded of things to come. Things God has spoken to my spirit. Things that I can only call things because I don't know how they look yet. I do know that they are along the lines of restoration. As of yesterday, I could feel a wall moving again. There is more hope on the horizon...and hope does not disappoint.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The house that God built.

The next thing that I need to have a breakthrough on is this sick stuff. My kids get fevers and I feel like I am drowning. I am so worried that there is something more that is wrong than just the flu and I worry that a fever left too long or missed, will send them in to seizure. I have grounds for this worry and that is the problem I think.
When my Aiden was a few months old I thought he had a bladder infection. There were signs and I told the doctor. It was dismissed. A while later I told another doctor and they said not to worry it wasn't common in boys. That Thanksgiving, he had a high fever and started to turn blue and had the tremors. This, according to my nurse friends, is when there is danger of seizing. We took him into emerg and he had a raging UTI just like I had thought. It took took two rounds of antibiotics in this poor four month old babe, and a few further tests. After that we left it alone on advice of the pediatrician that the illness had passed and the tests can be contaminated because they are little bags left on the babies until they go. He has been fine since.
When my Gemma was a year and a bit, she got really sick. We thought it was a combination of teething and the flu. After we had to take her into emerg, we found out she had a UTI. It has continued on and off. I worry that I am going to the doctor too much and I worry that I will leave it too long out of worrying that I am and therefore her infection gets worse. I don't like to use the urine bags because of the contamination so I sit and wait with a little cup under a two year that is not potty trained- for hours sometimes. She will probably just grow out of these bladder infections so I am trying to keep her clean and away from tests. I shower her only now and every night. Soon she'll be potty trained.
Anyways, my point is that I can't handle fevers. I don't handle them. I have talked about this alot but I am still looking for a way out. I can't get this sick-to-my-stomach feeling every time they are sick. A feeling of waiting for it to pass. I don't want to go to bed at night so I can watch over them. When this happens three times over (with three kids), and every two weeks over this seemingly long winter, I start to lose it. I know I can trust God to watch over my children. I need to learn balance and hope to cope in the mean time.
I grew up in a "what if" family too. Maybe that is part of my problem. I need to not explore all the risks and options. If I could just deal as it came, it wouldn't be so bad.  I need to have a breakthrough on the fact that I know what to do and if it gets bad God will come through like he has. How do I convince myself of this? If I lived by all the what-ifs, I would live in a padded house beside the hospital. Haha. Hey, they have one of those. *wink*
There's a thought. I just wrote the title and maybe that will be my hope for today. A house that God built. There are two angels guarding the doors of the kids bedrooms. The LORD will whisper and wake me when the kids start to get sick or run a fever. It happened last night. I woke at five am when the medicine wore off and Gemma's fever started to get high. Oh, stubborn soul, why can't you have faith. It is man that has failed you, not God. His anger only lasts a moment but his favor lasts forever...remember. This inward fight sucks. Just saying. If only I could see in full. I am going to think on the things that I can't see today..maybe that will help. Anyone want to add onto that, please do...verses welcome as well......

Saturday, March 12, 2011

babes

I am so thankful for my children.
They are the answered prayer of the desires of my heart.
My bug and my baby.
My bear.
And the blessing of them will continue always as they grow.
They make this Mamma's heart happy.
They are smart, gorgeous, and strong.
My bug- too old for his britches. A confidant leader.
My baby- a cuddle bug. Sweet and strong.
My bear- a little mamma. Compassionate and beautiful.
They are all stubborn and will make great big people.
I pray they will grow up to always know God.
That they will always remain close.
We love our family.
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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Links

God is linking up my life right now with my friends. I am beyond grateful for them . I need them to stay afloat. Amidst the joy I am feeling a fight. But there is encouragement in confirmation and God is faithful. When I am feeling the joy leave and the waves are threateningly close to me, he sends a reminder. You have no idea where I would be if it wasn't for God. Probably at the bottom of a bathtub. Harsh. But seriously true. Where do you go when you have no one to hope in. I have always had God. He was my only savior. He is my only Savior. Thank you Jesus for saving my soul and then saving my life. Your hand has been in it all. I love love you.

Searching this song and found it with the story behind it.....

whatever your little heart desires

I woke up with huge praises coming from my heart. I have that feeling of expectation. I have had this every once in awhile and it never disappoints. It is like when you are told there is a gift coming. It is exciting and your mind throws around ideas of what it is....Is it something you asked for? Something you have been waiting for? A surprise? Was it thought out? Did they keep in mind your tastes and personality?
You know it is going to be big. That's my feeling. I have been talking about little glimpses and joy in everyday. It continues. God isn't finished. That is the best part. It is homemade and especially for you. And it is something to share, to add onto, to give away....to multiply.
I'd like a metaphoric fruit tree to share with all my friends. The ones I love. The ones I see hurting. "Here friend, look what God brought over. Homemade. From scratch. Planted with a seed and grown to fruition. Grows big fruit. Enough to share with the neighborhood. Take some home with you."

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

little glimpses

My fingers are inspired this morning. They are ready to write. Lately I have been getting excited about the nitty gritty calling out to God situations. I rejoice a little when I see them. Then I put myself in check so that I don't look insane. But really, I have seen a glimpse of hope and I know that when you cry out to God, and mean it, he answers.
I also think that when it feels like you are stuck and up against the wall, it is only time before a floodgate will pour out. Our fight is not against flesh and blood and when things seem unreal, I think it it because of this.
I have been on edge this last week or so, trying to find truth and waiting for my kids to be healthy again. When I look beyond winter, I get excited. I have so much on my mind and I am seeing glimpses everywhere.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

the best stories

I have some bests. Many of them are blunt kinda, down to earth, say it like it is, creative types. I like it that way. They have soul and they aren't fake. I appreciate that I can tell them things that aren't surface. I need that in my life. And not just that, I need to know them too. I need to know how I can care and who they are. I don't want dates. I want mates. Okay. I have been quarantined with sick kids for a week so I am starting to lose my sanity and am now rhyming....but you get it. I love my bests. I can tell them all things and they try to understand, they tell me what they think, and they are real. And they have stories too.....

After the storm.

After the storm, there is the most potential for growth...for the trees, for the weeds. Prune the trees, rip out the weeds, and underneath there will be flowers blooming abundantly.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
~ Romans 5: 1-5

A song for Sunday

Saturday, March 5, 2011

A side note.

I love writing. It makes me use my brain, and my creativity. When I start I still have mom brain. Then after awhile I can feel revelation coming. Inspiration. Or at least I can sort my thoughts on a bad day. I go away settled.
This blog started as an anonymous way to relieve my pain. It has become a great way to share it. I let a few in to get feedback on my insanity. I let a few in to encourage after that. I am writing differently now. I know that some are reading. I have not changed my honesty but sometimes I have your pain on my heart when I write.
My truths are changing a bit too. I won't go back and erase. I want to be able to look back and see God's hand in retrospect. I find joy in that.
Anyways, thanks for all your encouragement. I hope you tag "follow"on the right so I know who is continuing to read, and comment. I like the input and encouragement. Feel free to challenge any truths too. (But with gentleness please). I am still polishing them.

* If you sign up for a google account, and it just takes a minute, then you can "follow" any blogs that you read.  And, if you go to blogger.com, you can easliy create your own blog. I would love to hear about your story.

Friday, March 4, 2011

The journey...

We were going on a journey. To a new place. To a new land. We walked through the hills in warm temperatures. Lush grass and mossy trees. Down to a valley. I talked with him awhile and fell asleep in the grass. It was so peaceful. Sunkissed cheeks and a soft breeze blowing.
Along the ravine there was a creek of glacier water and I drank. The night was coming. I wasn't afraid. He was there. He put his arm around me. He knew the way. And his gun was at his side. He could, he would, protect me.
We ate by a fire that night. I could sense the dark grey coyotes on the hills but I wasn't afraid. The wind picked up and the tall grass moved with it. We ate until we were full. And then he kissed my forehead. I was overwhelmed with the thought that he loved me so much to stand by me in this journey.
When we reach the other side of this mountain, I will live in his house. It will be good and I will be loved, all my days.

~ An imagination of Psalm 23.

just a little joy

If you just ask, your husband will empty the dishwasher. If you just ask God, he will give you joy while you are at the dentist. Let your need be known.
I am not even joking. It's been a hard week. I am struggling to overcome. I am still finding joy everywhere. It tells me that God will continue this healing until he completes it. Kids are all fevering now and coughing up a storm. I went to the dentist yesterday. To get my first two cavities filled. I am thirty so no one shows compassion. It was a sad day;) But really, if you have struggled with anxiety, someone covering your mouth is not a fun time. I was so nervous and I was praying. The verses in Psalm 23 came to me....Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.....your rod and your staff, they comfort me.....your rod and your staff, they comfort me......my cup runneth over....
I found my soul smiling at the dentist. (And I felt no pain at all.) This is a strange story but I am determined to find joy and not let fear run wild. Another scripture unlocked in my self....I want to study that one now.
And about the dishwasher, my wonderful husband heard that I was overwhelmed with the counter full of dirty dishes that had been neglected while I tended to sick kids. and he cleaned up the whole mess for me. Joy.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Fever. Hacking cough. Times three.

Where is the balance when it comes to feverish children. I have no control. God has all control. But I have responsibility. I am struggling to find the balance. I let go and then I take it back. I don't want to overdo the medicine. I don't want to let the fever run wild. I don't want to let fear rule the week. God give me wisdom in this and help me find the balance. Your love extends to my children's children. Your righteousness and justice. Mahal na mahal Lord.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

fffffhhhhhhmmmm

I think that I am back on the upswing. That was harsh. My worst fears all combined. A sick babe, with night approaching, in a snow storm (with the hospital an hour away).
We were having company and they had just arrived. My poor Gem woke up after her nap, shaking and crying, and turning blue, from a high fever. But God is bigger. Our company just happened to be a woman who I trust with my children and a man who has been truck driving in snow storms for I think over forty years. I don't believe in coincidence remember. I wasn't scared in the storm and I didn't have to endure it alone, literally.
At the hospital I was not enduring the attack on my child. And it felt like an attack. Even waiting on that bed, there was a boy locked in a room at the end of the hall. He was screaming and banging on the door violently. It was sense overload. For some reason at around eight after being there for hours I felt a little bit of strength coming back. I realized that God's love for me (in Psalm 103) wasn't just for me....for my children's children. Not that I didn't know that but sometimes God unlocks scripture to our understanding when we need it most. This didn't make it much easier but it was something to cling to. And God's hope does not disappoint.
We left there with the conclusion that this sickness was just a bad virus- no reoccurring UTI and no pneumonia. This was good. Drove back through a snow storm and got home to two sleeping babes. I look back and laugh (a little), sorta want to cry still writing this. But God obviously had his hand in this.
My Gem-Bear is on the mend. My joy is returning. Here we go....*big sigh*