Antisocial.

My heart is on pause.
I don't want to pursue friendships right now. I am waiting for my new home. I have so much on my mind. Between that and the beautiful sun staying out late, I am avoiding early bedtime. I am tired. I am disappointed in relationships too. So I am avoiding. I am avoiding functions... avoiding doctor's appointments...avoiding. I just want to stay home and rest. I wish the kids would let me rest. They are social creatures as well. I am having too many anxiety attacks. They feel beyond anxiety. Sometimes I wait for my heart to stop beating. It feels like it might. Sometimes it is good. I feel like it is such an easy fix. Some good times. Some big hugs. But those times and hugs aren't coming. I wish I could make some understand what tears a person down and what builds them up. Look at yourself. What does it for you? I just need some kindness, thoughtfulness, unselfishness.... I don't want to feel devastated from things going on around me. I feel like I might yell at someone out of disbelief of how they are acting. Maybe I am just down. Overloaded of life. I am not sure. I will just stay home.

Like this....... (Gateway Worship - Revelation Song - Kari Jobe)

Wrecked of this world, bound for glory.

In my car, in my house, I worship big. Arms out, dancing, singing loud. My kids do too. In church I recluse like most others. I worship inwardly. It is reminiscent to the relationship that I have with my husband. The intimacy at home is shared between me and God. I can be real. Be trusting. Be content and joyful. When we go home (to Heaven) I am sure that all fear, shame, hurt will be stripped of us and we will (and will be able to) worship as a whole. Unburdened.

In twelve days.

Imagine a day with big dark blue rain clouds mixed in with warm sky. Over a lake. Golden fall leaves surrounding still on the trees. I can feel it. It is warm but comfy sweater warm. It is my home. Or at least it will be. I have a palette on my mind. We bought our farmhouse. A little home on an acre. It is so peaceful out there. It all came together last minute. But it all came together.
It has a little work to be done but it is ours. We can take our time. I am trying to ease into it. To not worry. To not let my mind wander over the things that could disturb my peace. I can't wait to settle in.
There is a wall to be built. Maybe a fence too. A deck repair. A deck with a view. Then paint. Lots of paint. With colors like farmhouse white and antique tin.
But I have to try and stay in a state of calm. Where change used to inspire it now sometimes does not. I am hopeful and excited. A place to feel settled. A place to be peaceful. A place to breathe the fresh air.