in remembrance

Looking back. It's been a year. A friend went home. All is settling now. (As much as I can see.)
I was looking back this morning. Much has changed. So much. God used this friend's life and death to point straight to him. I remember the last time I saw her, her eyes were dark and she looked so tired. If I only knew then what I know now, but I didn't. We didn't. But that is the only time that I remember dark eyes. Her eyes were usually shining. Her life pointed to Christ. I remember watching her in church and sometimes she was the only one, hands straight up, telling all, declaring that she knew her savior.
One day I will tell her, and I am sure she already knows, how God used her to awaken my reality. To show me how great a mother she was.... how great a mother I am. God answered the question that I had two days earlier....what if I got to the point that I thought my kids were better off without me and my messed up self. I saw clearly the lies. I saw clearly what would happen. I am so grateful. I know this was just a small wave flowing out from this tragedy and rocking my heart. It is not about me but I want to share how satan doesn't win in this.
That day and the days that followed I never heard one word of evil. I heard stories of how she touched people's lives time and again, and how God shone through her. And I saw a family grip tighter to God himself. I know she is dancing with Him and her arms aren't stretched up anymore, now they can just stretch out and embrace her savior.

And now I pray for that same blanketing that I did a year ago, to cover two girls who still have to grow. Two girls without a mother. GOD, I pray that they would always know you. I pray they would hold on to you with all of themselves and grow into confident and wise women. Protect them from lies. Encompass them with your truths. Amen.

Love is patient, love is kind.

The theme of this, my thirtieth year, is balance. At the moment I am struggling with the balance of my mouth. I want to share but in growing up shy and holding it all in, I am forcing out more than I want to. I used to sit back and now I know that if you do not give of yourself, you will not be given back to. I however, do not want to be overbearing and over sharing. Rhyme not intended. Haha.
My heart is to really know people and care about them. I want to understand why someone is who they are and have compassion.
And I want to get back to patience. I find myself sounding angry. I am not meaning to be; it is a cover. I am angry often but not because I want to be.... because I can only come out of myself by pushing. By demanding. I want to stand up, but I want to exude confident gentleness.
Ugh. I am exhausted from processing how this will come about. I only know I can't find patience on my own. I can only hope in the one who works things out..... and hope people will bear with me until then.

Thorn in my side.

The more that I live in the world, the more I want out of it. I am shifting my mind on my biblical motto: suffering, perseverance, character, hope. I can only do this. God will not take us out but he will walk us through. And I pray that I can change continually towards being an unconditionally merciful and loving person ,so that my kids will be encouraged in faith and confident in themselves. It's about all I can do. Pray and step one foot at a time..... coffee in hand;)