Saturday, November 26, 2011

Three times.

I do not write because I think I am the queen. I write to work things out. It seems as when I write, my thoughts can be clear and I can find the truth that I am looking for....
And when I say, "we" it is not because I am preaching to an audience it is because I am struggling with a friend or venting. We are all struggling. I can feel the pain and it is overwhelming me.
Right now I am tortured by thoughts all day long. I want to step in and help my dear friend. But I cannot show her- she has to see herself. I have a page of thoughts that I have been writing out, just to release these thoughts from my mind, but it is not helping. I feel like she is on the ledge but I can't get to her to hold her in. Her back is to her safe place and she is ready to jump. She thinks she can fly. Someone told her she can fly. But she will fall.
I fell once. It was a long walk back up the mountain.....

GOD of MERCY

But where there is counterfeit, there has been truth. There all along but waiting for you to seek.

Psalm 34~
I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against all who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Hear that: NO ONE WILL BE CONDEMNED WHO TAKES REFUGE IN HIM.

The word of the month is counterfeit. (To go with the next post; God of Mercy...)

Counterfeit.
We forget Satan is beautiful. We forget he was an immaculate angel. He isn't ugly.
And so are not his evils. (In appearance.)
They are parallel of truths. Twisted. Rearranged. From the dark but appearing light. Seeming to heal. Seeming to help. But they turn, like a deceptive friend. They overwhelm and overtake. They steal our husbands. Lie to our children. Oppose our best friends. Separate us from our families. We feel amazing and free. Behind us and around us are tidal waves of destruction. We can't see because our eyes are still fixed on the beauty of the unfolding parallel. When it unfolds it is too late to change things. When the petals bloom and the insides are all black, we can finally see. Only then are we shocked back into reality. We can finally look around. We can see the destruction. We can feel the darkness, but what can we do? It is too late, the twisted beauty has speared us. And then it scorns us. Shows itself. Tears us down some more. We cannot believe how we were deceived, but it is too late. Life is broken.
Counterfeit.

James 1:14-18 ~ but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we may be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The ugly and the beautiful.

There is a place of ugly. It comes and steals our joy. It taints our reality until we see ourselves in a different light. We look at our friends faces and see lies reflected. Lies that they don't want us, don't like us. So we hide. But they aren't seeing us. They are seeing this ugliness. A place that stems from hurt. A hurt that when we hide it, it mutates into a mask of seething, and words of hatred. We hate the ugly and what it did to us. We have to blame someone, something.  We need to escape.
But the ugly is only a deception. If we let go of the hurt. If we throw it as far as we can. If we combat it with forgiveness. If we choose not to believe the lies, but search for the truth. If we let God show us that our chosen captor is just as flawed as we are. If we choose to step out of it until one day, we see a glimmer of beautiful again. We see it reflecting from our friends. It radiates their beauty too. It grows from behind their eyes. They no longer see the ugly. They can only see you.... and the one who covers you with joy.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The grump.

I am in a mood. I feel like a crank. I'm grumpy. The kind of mood that makes a person feel like starting a fight. A grumpiness that makes someone not want to worry about anyone else's feelings. It is strange. I don't know fully where it is coming from. Something hit a nerve. Or bruised me. Something rubbed on an old bruise.... and it hurt. A friend that I went to college with used to rub our actual bruises- we hated it, it felt wrong, but she said it caused the blood to come to the surface and heal it faster. Maybe that is why we want to start a fight. We want to draw out the pain. Bring it to the surface. We want it to be gone.
I saw something out of place the other day. It bothered me. I summed it up to myself as "you are not the queen and don't need to know everything." But now it is closer. It brushed my arm. It hit a different nerve than the original instance. It is now bothering me more. One for selfish reasons. One for truth I think. The latter is not my business though. Maybe that is the part where I want to rub in the truth for my own purpose. But this is not really my heart. I want to encourage. I do not really want to start a fight.
And I am not perfect. I don't want someone egging on me about things that I already know, and am working on. I want words that are uplifting. An encouraging word will help keep me taking steps in the right direction. This rings true the other way as well. I hope that in wisdom, someone who loves me would be able to say, "Hold your step." Maybe that should be a code phrase...... "Hold your step, friend." Take a look at who you are stepping with, who you are taking along, and where you are going. Permissible? Beneficial? Uplifting or dragging someone down. And if you are going to rub a bruise, do it for healing, not just to start a fight.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My soul yearns for you. (A mini sermon.)

I am tired of all this positive thinking talk. Where does it come from. My scriptures say to think about things pure, lovely, admirable, true. (Philippians 4: 8.) True. Good. Not to pretend all things are great. Yes God can turn around things for good (Jeremiah 29:11.), for us, but last time I checked I saw David crying out to God. I am not about sweeping things under the rug and putting on a smile. That doesn't fix anything. Isn't it humanistic thinking to say that we can will things to be all lovely.
I see the truth of clinging to God. Crying out to him. Saying, "my life is crumbling God! Turn it. Fix it. Change me." I hate when people say.... "well, at least...." Does God say to us, "someone is far worse off then you my child." I can't really see that. I think we should be aware of huge things like poverty and the state of our wellness/wealth, but for the sake of example, would God have said to me, "I know you had a horrible, tragic, miscarriage, but at least you didn't have a baby die like your cousin." No! How unloving would that be. God meets us where we are at. He knows all of our walls. (Isaiah 49:16.)He knows all of our needs. He says to us, there is a time to mourn, so mourn. (Ecclesiastes 3:4.) And He will hold you, and calm the storm around you until you can step out into the waters of faith.
And then there will come praising. Then you will be truly in a positive state of mind. A state called joy.... thinking on the great things God has done in you or through you, but not because of you, because of Him.
~ Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21.

Friday, November 4, 2011

It is new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.

My soul is wooed this morn. That is what it feels like. My body hurts, my mind is tired, but my soul feels love. From my GOD. I am weary and grasping for some change. I can't do it within my own will. God has moved into first place where he should always be. I accidentally put my kids first for awhile. I grew up with two loves; a hope for a family/a husband and children, and my God. Because of the way everything does not go according to our plans, my focus was on the first. I was stuck in fixing it. I am stuck in fixing it. I need to be stuck on letting that fall away and walking in God.
And I think I will never be truly happy until I am living in his calling for me. I used to be in a place where I had no want for a home or any things. I just wanted enough to get by, enough that I could pack up and go at a moments notice. I wanted and was serving God in missions. There was unresolved pain in my life though. Unforgiveness. Misunderstanding. Then my kids came and I longed for security- seeing it only in a closed in home with enough money. Where did that thinking come from but through fear? I see my friends who are living with their four kids in a place less than secure, and they are serving. They are living for their souls, not their bodies. I long for that again. And I already know that feeling of being encompassed and surrounded by God's spirit as you walk in his purpose.
Now I feel stuck a bit. Maybe a lot. My house is divided. But God knows His plans for me. Plans for good and not harm. To give me (and my family) a future and a hope....
GOD, bring my whole family out of ourselves. Build us into a whole family secure in you. Mahal na mahal.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

To paint a picture of untruth.

I am planning this night for my kids, I don't know where I conceived it but it is going to be fun! First I am going to rent some "R" rated movies. I think it will be great fun, the scare. Ghosts, witches, vampires. Nothing is too scary. Then I think we'll watch a crime show. Something as real as it gets- a murder mystery maybe. I hope that there is something with lots of blood and gore. Maybe a knife sticking out of someone's head. Come on, it's fun- no one is too young to come. My kids are five, three, and one:)
And then I want them to indulge so I am going to get them some treats. Candy, candy, candy. I hope they eat so much that they feel sick! It will bring great memories. I don't care where we find it either. Stranger, smanger I say. If someone has something to give you, take it. Am I right? Free candy is even better.
I better give this night a name. I better make it special. I don't want people to think I am a bad parent. When my kids act out. When they look terrified. When they look at me in wonder at why I would do a thing so out of character. It is all in fun, really. Harmless.
What do you think I should call it? And do you want to come? Everyone else is.....