A small world.

I am feeling a bit chaotic at the moment. Perhaps overwhelmed by the inklings of enormous change that are happening all around me and even in me. I am blown away at what God can use and how he can wind people in and out of ours lives. It also brings in me a caution of things that I do and say. I have been asking God for this though and welcome it. I want to have a firm view on how to speak wisely about people. I often do not do a good job at this. Anger has me venting in frustration sometimes. Sometimes it is for good purpose, I mean well, but I overstep and ignore the caution that I feel inside.
This also brings me to think about situations in me that I didn't deal with and think that it is too late to do so. We somehow think time or distance can make things go away, or get better, but there is always potential for a piece to weave it's way back to you. I am grateful in this that I know a merciful God. He is continually working all things for the good. He is not done with me yet. I will choose not to forget where he has brought me and therefore foolishly think I have found a plateau of perfection.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23.

A world of change.

I think I am in. We are in. I am beyond excited these last few days, as a plan (prepared by God I'm sure of this) has formed to homeschool my children. I have never wanted to shelter my children but now I see it differently. I want to guard their little hearts and minds, and not just at home.
School isn't like it was for us. I have formed my opinions of school (and homeschool) on how it was for us as kids. It is no longer that way. The older kids are now given free reign- no consequences. The younger ones are taking the brunt of the discipline in order to try and dissuade them from following the example of the older ones. I think it is all backwards. The ones too little to understand in full are receiving harsh punishments. They aren't allowed to be boys. They aren't allowed to wrestle, to crash blocks and build them back up, and of course toy guns are evil. It isn't a "there's a place and time" issue. They are given no place and no time for how boys naturally play.
I have always known I would disagree with certain sciences and moral beliefs but the amount of other issues being brought up that displease me, has brought me to a place of knowing that I can't let someone else have the job of instructing my kids anymore. I want them to excel and I also want them to be kindhearted people. I like the thought that discipline is a discipling, a teaching, an instructing of ways. I have been guilty of getting away from this lately, but by the grace of God, I will get back to this. I want to encourage my kids in the right ways. I think homeschooling will as well bring back that intimate attention that kids so seek. That my son especially, as he is the one school age right now, will feel confident in knowing mom cares enough to take time with him and cheer him on.
I have had these thoughts of who I would like to have been and how that would not be because of my choices, but I see that as a lie now. I can strive for what I can't see. A year, month, even a week ago, I would not have thought that I could be a homeschool mom. I have quite a few months to prepare and as I look back in retrospect, I see God has been preparing me, even ten years back.
So, this post is a bit of a mess as I am busy today and have been back and forth trying to get this all out, but I conclude that what is coming is good. I am excited beyond words and my husband has given me the go ahead. I can't wait to see what this year brings- and it is only January.

GOD, you have bent my mind. I am overwhelmed. By your mercy. By your goodness. By the fact that you are not equal to anything but above all, and not a little above, beyond measure. Why do I try to understand and process things to my liking when your purpose will prevail? You will plan out things better than I could ever imagine, as you have before. I pray that this continues on in your way and isn't blunted by anything opposing. Prepare my home, my family, my mind, for this will not be an easy task to take on. However, it will be a rewarding one. Full of firstfruits. Full of joy. Mahal na mahal.

Thanks Max.

This morning the daily Max Lucado blog devotion talked about 1 John 4:18~ Perfect love cast out all fear.... There is no fear in love.
What a thought. What a truth. It made me think of when I was a kid and had no fear because my dad or mom were there. And it made me think of now when my husband is on night shift and my child is sick. It makes me want him home. That if he was there I would be less afraid and he could take care of things when I can't anymore. Isn't is funny though, that the actual fact that he is home doesn't change a thing. My son is still sick. He can't do any more than I can. But he can love. Somehow knowing he is there with love, makes it all safe. It lets me breathe a little deeper. How much more than that to know God is for us, there in his love always. If I could just make that thought resonate through my soul, I would be fine.... just fine.

To be or not to be.

To live in the world but not of the world.... To raise a child up in the way he should go and when he is old he will not flee from it. I am torn. Again. I need to pray into this I think, I know rather. Pondering this in my own thoughts is not helping.
I never desired to homeschool my children, knowing that when a person has to be an example and has something to stand for, they will. I did. I was glad to be a Christian. I stood for something.
On the other side, there is so much that is tainted in the school system now. An imbalance of discipline. A twisted learning. I have been glad to have teachable moments for my son, but how much of the things that I don't catch/see will rub off on him and leave imprints. Ugh. I know where this is going but it circles back a bit every time too.
It reminds me of the study I did this morning. The King walked in the way of the LORD but did not remove the idol places, and so the people did not change. I feel a need and I think it is important, to be the first word in a child's learning. That God's word is the first word. That His truth abides. I also don't want to raise a child who is so overprotected that when he is sent out into the world later on, he is shocked, does not know how to make decisions because he hasn't been faced with any evils, and therefore is torn down to dust. It's a live and learn, make mistakes and be refined situation. This all is complicated.
In the study that I did before this one, I stopped watching television for awhile (a fast of sorts, a refocusing). I am now not wanting to watch much at all. I never used to. I hate that all this "it's only pretend" thinking lets anything into our minds, our thoughts, and chips away at our discernment. I am now taking on thoughts that this "fifteen minutes with God is all you need society" is damaging us. I do not have a problem with prayer and being prayerful throughout the day, but my study of the LIVING word of God is short. I get alot out of it but the balance of what is influencing me of God, and what is influencing me of things that are contrary to God's word, is balancing on the side of evil. I feel the need for my input of Godly concepts and thoughts to weigh greater than my intake of worldly things. Is this an outrageous thought? I think not. It is very overwhelming though. How can I keep my head above water? How can I be set apart when our culture is so strong in what is contrary to what I believe?  And, I don't want to be just barely above. I want to walking in faith, on the water. It's no wonder that it only takes one storm for me to feel like I am drowning. It makes me wonder what the society was like in Sodom and Gomorrah. Is our society one step away from that? Do our children even have a chance? I want them to have a chance. I want them to always know God. I want them to know the truth because the truth is part of their life and not just a story. (Sigh.) This is where I start to joke about living commune style where we have fresh vegetables and are not only set apart from the world but oblivious to it;)
Anyways, I don't know the answer, and I was hoping that it would become clear in writing this all out, but it still is not. Prayer, word searching, gathering of options. Here we go....

Gathering bits.

God is gathering the bits together for me, for this year. I have been preparing for a huge change. It has begun early, or just in time, as I was thinking that I need it sooner than I had to wait. I had a dream awhile ago (I had talked about this already a bit). This dream was about anger and being in rage to be heard. Yikes, those words coming out, are coming straight from a hurt that runs deep. Last night, I sat beside my son's bed, almost in darkness except a faint night light, my presence letting him know he was fine and could sleep. I sat there an hour and started to think of when I was young and how scared I was to sleep. How I turned off the light with anything that could reach the switch from my bed. I often just slept with the light on in that basement room. I had been talking about this while ago and my mother was there. She had voiced that this fact was horrible, or something along the lines of that. It makes me wonder, and I do probably know, why I never said anything. Then my mind wandered to a parallel situation, when I got my first apartment. It was on the basement floor. Hmm, that is even more parallel. I used to sit in the window of this terrible place. I would sit and smoke a cigar as the smell of the tobacco was soothing (a habit that I picked up in Ywam, and is a whole other story). A man used to watch me from up in an apartment building across the road. It was a bad place to live. I had just thought it would be great to have my own place and for cheap rent. I worked afternoons and came home late and would get my keys ready so I could run to the door. Once two guys were fighting in the hallway and I could hear them yelling about being friends in prison. People in this place would party all night. I slept with the light on. The RCMP came one morning and buzzed my apartment to let them in and I did. I could hear them banging on a door across the hall and no one answered, even though they said they knew he was there. Finally the cops left and the man did come out then, screaming about who had let them in. Fearful place. Lights on.
This is the place where my downfall began. The apartment. Or so I thought. But when I look a little further, I think, "I didn't have a chance." Fear was bred in me.
But now this will change. God has been bringing up things to my mind in preparation for this year. I am coming with expectancy and I will not leave without a blessing. I might even dare to say that it will change everything. I pray that it will change everything and more.

Sunday sermon.

My Pastor talked today about man being made in God's own image and man being God's crowning glory. (Psalm 8.) That we are supposed to reveal God's righteousness for all to see Him in us. He talked about how God looked at the man that he had created in his own image (Adam), and said it was very good. (Genesis 1:27-31.)
I thought about these two concepts intertwined as he spoke, it made me think about when my son Aiden was born. I used to call him "daddylips." When he was born, we looked at him and tried to see in him all the things that were reflected from us and our family. I could see God looking into the eyes of Adam and saying, "You have my goodness son, my mercy, my kindness. You are gentle like your Dad. You will grow in wisdom. I am so pleased when I think of what you have inherited from me, it will bless you." Have you ever seen a picture taken at a hospital of a dad and his baby, fresh from the womb and all swaddled up? If you have, they are all the same. The father's eyes are fixed on the newborn with a gaze of love, pride, awe....
And then the Pastor talked about how our righteousness is like filthy rags.(Isaiah 64:6.) I could then see a picture in my mind, and this one stayed a long while enfolding, of a bunch of cloth that looked like it had been in a mechanics shop. Soiled and bundled, in knots. This is like how it is when we try to take care of our own righteousness. When we try to keep being good enough. We take a clean, white cotton rag and wipe off the dirt. We carry on. We make another mistake. We wipe some more. We tuck in the rag and fold it over, trying to find a clean edge. We fall hard. We pick ourselves up and wipe again. Soon there is no clean part of that rag left and if we keep wiping, we just make the smudge worse. We need renewing. If God is our righteousness (1 John 1:9), then he purifies us. We can stop wiping and just be clean.
Sometimes I wish I could paint so I could show you this picture. It`s like an oil painting. Anyways, I just wanted to share that pic. It made the verses come out in a new way to me. I am glad that God`s mercies to us are new every morning, that God is continuing to renew our minds and hearts in Christ Jesus, and most of all, that he will finish unto completion, what he has set out to do in us.

A reminder, a promise, a new song.

It's true. No really, it's true. I promise you.

Still human.

I am really struggling with this whole broken body thing. My insides are screaming. They hurt so bad right now. Actually, I think part is the body pain and part is the mind pain. I wish I could overcome this problem. I still have hope that I will but right now I feel downhearted. This last week has been hard. I pushed on in my physio and had so much hope but I am feeling torn down. My body aches so bad. I wake up feeling nauseous in the night. I just want to crawl back into bed as we speak and stay there until the pain goes away. I don`t know whether or not to carry on or wait. I want to go to the doctor and make sure everything is all right but they never know. They send me around. I leave feeling it is all up to me again. I feel like I have to decipher if it is fear or pain sending me in before I ever go.... this can last awhile, the trying to discern what it true and what people will think and if I can handle another doctor`s appointment. I hate doctor`s appointments.
I don`t know how I can be doing so good and doing so bad at the same time, but I think it has something to do with a healthier soul, frail body. I also have a thought that my body being torn and bruised in the places that hold in my babes, is a direct result of losing two of them, and of baring the stress of waiting, wondering if the next will make it to birth. No one else has broken baby parts. I think mine are a reflection of what has happened. Then I miss MacCrea, and think of Ariel`s dark curls framing her face. That will always be there. And I long for Heaven. And I long for more purpose driven life on earth....

A need is a seed.

I went to physio today. I had my appointment. My rear end hurts to prove it. (Sorry, but it is true.) I wanted to stay and read for a bit, while waiting for my husband to pick me up. I have been immersed in a good read by Francine Rivers. However, I saw my van waiting across the street. It ended up being someone else's van, as blue van's are in excess, so I ducked into the Salvation Army Thrift Store. A friend and I used to go there with her mother when we were in highschool. We would find cool old men's cords to buy, cute college shirts, and woolly sweaters. I remember a brown collared t-shirt that I had bought with the name Rudy embroidered on it. Those were some good memories. I didn't see anything interesting today.
As I walked out, I saw the poor lady from last week. I chatted with her a bit and found out her full name. She was digging in the free bin. I went back into the store with her to look for some running shoes. She told me that she was bipolar and on medication. I told her that I understood that and it was hard. She agreed. She told me that her arches were fallen and she needed ankle support in her shoes. We found her some hiking boots, some new shoelaces, and she threw in some gloves. They told me she wasn't allowed in the store. She put down a rolled up cigarette on the counter. They thought it was drugs. I don't know why she was banned but I can imagine. Stealing.... throwing a fit.... who would care if you had nothing to lose.
We went outside and she smoked the cigarette as I said goodbye. I wonder if I will see Theresa again. I have a physio appointment in a few weeks. I would not be surprised if she just happened to show up along the road....
I thought more about her as I had lunch with my hubby and kids. As I rubbed Gemma's back I sent out a prayer that is common from my mouth, "God, let my children always know you." It made me sad to think that Theresa is someone's lost daughter. The workers didn't want to touch her, they said they wouldn't help her find shoes, they backed away when she tried to show them that her cigarette was just that, they wanted her out, and this was at a place meant to help people like her. I just wanted to hug her goodbye. We are all someone's lost daughter. And I am no Mother Theresa but for some reason, this lady keeps showing up in my path. I don't believe in coincidence. I wonder if there is a lesson to be learned or if this is just practical Christianity- see a need, fill a need.
I have been thinking about a sort-of mission statement for this year:  Am I planting a seed or growing a weed? I want God to grow my faith this year. I don't want to let my tongue loose and grow anger or bitterness. I don't want to make a person look bad in someone else's eyes. I want to cherish my children, encourage my friends. I don't want to give up on hope for things that seem dreary in my life, and they do at least once a week. At least. I want to learn to count my blessings instead of adding up my pain (and this does not mean not mourning over things that are sad and should be mourned, or pretending everything is rosy). I want to share in firstfruits and wisdom. I don't want to glean off the floor. I want to glean from the hand of God and then share it. I want truth to be filling my days, more than unedifying sources. I am on a tangent but back to the basic story that is; I want to be ready to fill a need. Poor in spirit, poor in body. Filling a need is planting a seed. They will know you are His by your love. The end.

Sometimes we need a little spur.

I am excited for tomorrow. For Monday. We have an amazing women's ministry at our church. I for one, would not like to ever take it for granted. In the morning we have a place in the church basement to lay down our momness for awhile and rest. A place to fellowship with women who understand children. A place where Grandmother's add to the love by watching over our blessings. A place where friends meet and uplift each other. I am grateful for this ministry.
Then at night I am now attending a bible study group. Same place, but there I get to fellowship with more women of different wisdoms. I love it. It is purposeful. It stretches me to use my grown-up brain for awhile. It is encouraging.
I am in need of these times. I love my children to no end. I often miss out on times to be ministered to. Or to participate. I want to go for prayer. I want to sing in worship. I want to hear a full sermon. I have been trying for weeks. All I hear are beautiful giggles, silly peekaboos, seeking-mommy-comfort cries. I love these things but there must be a time to receive. I feel like I am always giving. I want to be always giving. I need to be encouraged and just hugged for awhile too. We all do. I want to heal, grow, rest, so that I can be more for my kids. More for myself. More for God.
(And a side note to all who are in a relationship of different faiths, unequally yoked. Think on this. If I could hand my child to my husband for a moment, then I could be part of this all. He is supportive but I am held in a certain place because he is not there. And I knew this all but I was too hurt to care. If this is you, please think on future places. If you are fine to be held in one place, carry on. I would not change my husband but I sure would love to lay my blessings down so I could lay my burdens down once in awhile.)
Anyways, I have been fighting it seems the last few days. I am so expectant but there are circumstances that have been pushing against my faith. Alone, I would like to just stop fighting. If I stop moving then there is no pressure. But what would I gain to stand still? This is why there is such a need to keep meeting together. To encourage. To share of yourself and share in. To build faith. I can read my bible anywhere but where can I be built up? On Mondays.

Hebrews 10: 24, 25~ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

And there's more;)

I have been inspired this week and therefore want to write and read and write and quilt. There has been birth and death all around lately. I love that when there is birth, it is a complete miracle. God has knit together a child and then gave them breathe. There is nothing more showing of the truth of God, or so I think, than the birth of a child. And the more kids that I have, the more I see that the relationship that I have with my children shows me so much about the heart of God. And then there is death. There is nothing that will change you and draw out your beliefs more than death. It forces one to think about God and if there is more than our breathe in this life.
The other day I found a new blog to read and that I love. A woman that is searching for truth in marriage. (If you scroll on the side of my blog, you can see some other friend's and strangers blogs that I read.) I also have a friend that is going through some hard times in her marriage..... wait, aren't we all;)
A little while ago I watched a song intro video that talks about marriage being an expression of God's love for the church. I am adding this to my thoughts on life purposes that mirror God....
Babes= God's love for us in creating us in every detail. Mothering= God's want to have relationship with us and they way he loves us in protecting us. Marriage= God's love for the church and the way we should serve each other in love, uplifting and hoping all things good. (I am paraphrasing.)
Of course I am working on these things everyday. Here is what we are all striving for:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7~ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Here is the video link that I was talking about as well.....

They that wait.

A little over a week ago my husband and I had a talk. I think we are throwing babes back on the table. I have always wanted to have more children- lots of children. Not having children goes against my belief that children are a blessing. A BLESSING. This culture that I live in does not match up with that. They say that children are a burden- they cost too much, take up too much time.... I disagree. I see God's blessings with each child and there has never not been enough for each of them. I have also seen this in friend's lives. With each step God increases.
The only thing stopping me has been my tired body. I have a pelvic floor prolapse and a diastisis. Which means that all the muscles that helped bare my babes are tired. This morning I conquered my overwhelming physio exercises. Before they looked so difficult and left me sore for the day. This morning they became easy and clear in my mind to memorize, instead of reading off of the sheet, and they felt so good, like I was stretching from the inside out.
I am adding this to my prayers of this year. I am hoping for a new child. I don't exactly know what that looks like, and I still have moments that overwhelm, but I am putting my hope in my God.
I will find patience and strength in Him. For they that wait on the Lord will renew their strength. (Isaiah 40).

stormy dreams

I have been dreaming lots lately. The other night I had a dream about my fears. Then two nights ago I had a dream that was full of rage, seething with anger. Not a fun dream at all. The kind of dream that carries that feeling throughout the day and messes with reality.
But it is reality coming out. I am going to look into that dream and ponder it. It had meaning. Roots. I don't like it at all. I know that I have impatience and anger. It coincides with fear. I am hoping, like I have said before, that this is blown out of the water. I can't see clearly because I am in the middle of it all. These kind of dreams are very revealing. Thank God that I am a work in progress. Some days I overcome and some days I wanna go lay at the bottom of the mountain on the lowest ground and stay there for a long while.
I was thinking about many things while driving home yesterday. It was very windy and dark clouds were coming in over the highway. All you could see was a storm but as I reached the next road, the skies were clear blue and the wind stopped. Sometimes all you need is a turn in the road to see past the storm. :)

powerful

The strangest of days.

I had the strangest of days. I went to town for an appointment. They said there was a scheduling error and no sign of there being an appointment booked. As I sat in my car for a minute, checking my phone, a lady came up to my window and asked for a ride to some place I did not know. I said I wasn't going that way. It sounded like a pub. She said she was cold and trudged off.
I was going to drive away and get on with my errands but instead, drove around the block and picked her up. I felt like I would be missing a chance to minister to someone and remembered my own words from my last post here. I had to only drive her one more block but gave her a chance to sit and warm up. I asked about the place she was going. It was a shelter. A place to get a coffee, some breakfast, and do some laundry. She told me that she had had an accident in her pants and then smiled a dirty, toothy smile.
I felt the need to give her something. I had no money in my car. I took off my fleece sweater and gave her that. I had two sweaters on. Maybe now she won't be cold. But even more so, maybe she'll remember the love of a stranger and the faint lyrics of a worship song about a God who cares. It was just a few minutes of my time and it is not for me to know if she was praying for help, or how my actions turn out, or if she even cares at all. I do know she was asking for warmth though and searching for something to give her, I ended up giving her just what she asked. Meeting her need.  
It was like God was calling my bluff. Well, not my bluff I guess because I am not bluffing. The eyes of my heart have been opened to a ministry of women. A ministry of encouragement. I am more than excited. I am willing to be used. It brings me full joy. I was thanking God all the way up the street.
And there is more that went on in my day, but the rest is for me to take in for now. I am looking back amazed. I posted a post about this and made a resolution to wake up in the morning prayerfully. I often wake up in the morning to chaos- a puppy getting loose, potty issues, the sound of cereal pelting the laminate floor. I always go to bed, sitting awhile to pray. I want it to be when I lay down and when I rise. I pray often throughout the day but I want to ask for opportunity to be used of God.
It is funny that when I left that woman at the shelter, I had thoughts of going back there and going inside next time. I thought about our food bank at home and thought it would be better to go in there, but weird for me because I know people there. Same thoughts that are confining. Poor strangers are easier to help. They can't hurt you, embarrass you, and when you leave, you don't have any responsibility for them. In your own town you have to see people you know and when you leave people will watch you, will talk to you when you're tired, will know you are not perfect.
I have some great memories that I love from when I was younger and my aunt and uncle ran a soup kitchen of sorts. I loved being there. Helping people and having fellowship with all sorts. My uncle used to sit and play the guitar for hours. I would sing along with him. I would love to do that myself. I used to lead worship alot. I learned the guitar because I could take it anywhere. Maybe it even had a little to do with my uncle and these memories, now that I think of it. Anyways, I am glad that God gave me this chance, however little, in my out-of-the-plan day. I am not writing about these things to brag but to glorify my God who answers prayer and to thank him that I am not "just a mom" anymore. I am not stuck here until someday comes. I have purpose right where I am....

the perfect lamb, the great I Am.

I had this thought just now about ministry. When I moved back here I had a hard time with people seeing who I was. Or rather I was concerned with who they saw me as. I didn't want to be seen as a hypocrite. I didn't want to be seen as judgemental. I didn't want to be seen as the person who fell, who was scarred. I wanted to be in a perfect place before presenting myself as anything.
So the thought is, that if we start to think that we can't be used of God unless we are perfect, we might as well go back to daily sacrifice. Do you think that the Israelites doubted that they were a people of God? I would think that they just knew it. They shared in and with each other and knew that God was theirs. That they were his. They sacrificed for atonement, but I think it was part of life and not a precursor to living. Here is the picture I had in my mind then.....

Of a line-up in a field. A place close enough to the tents of the people. Imagine a medieval sort of picture show. People gathering. Laughing, talking, children running and playing. Big families. Joyful celebrations. And then a not too far off line of people. Everyone knows these people; they are family and friends. They are silent and walking singly. Alone in their thoughts. They cannot be ministers. They cannot share in the joy. They aren't perfect yet. They have to make a sacrifice. And then they say to themselves, "I am not a part of this people. I am separate."
The people then start to talk as well.... in whispers at first, and then blatantly, "They cannot be part of us. They have to make a sacrifice. They screwed up. Look at him even! By the end of the week he won't have a flock left, he is so screwed up."
But in all the talk. In all the self-condemnation, they are still simply Israelites. They are part of the people. They are just like the rest. Just taking their turn to humble themselves before they turn back to the community. The separating for a moment is actually a good thing. The showing your sin in the line is the place where nothing is hidden and you get to be free again. No whispering with the others. No blaming. After that sacrifice as you walk back to the fold, you are in a purest of heart. Humbled to start new. Open to be used differently. More understanding of the ones walking the opposite way past you to the line-up of woes. The big picture being clearer.

Romans 3:21-26~ But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented himself as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished- he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

So here's another thought for the New Year- Let's start where we are at. God starts where we are at. Let us be ministers. Let us not wait to be sent out into "missions." Let us not wait to talk to strangers whose lives we can't continue speaking into. Let us get up everyday like you would under the covering of a missions trip- seeking God for the day. Why do we seek out poor strangers only? And this is still important, but look around- I am sure there is someone poor in spirit. Or someone who is walking back from that humble place with a huge testimony. Or someone scared to show their line-up worthy sins. Be the encourager. The minister of the gospel. The love out loud. Be the one ready to be used. Be the uplifter. The one who draws people in with compassion. The one who knows they will have another turn in the line. Israelite to the core- but indwelt with the Holy Spirit.

part three

part two

part one

The 1st.

I have wanted to write for days. I just don't know how I want to get it out. I feel like I have to create an essay or something. A new year plan.
Holidays are hard. They remind you how sick you are, what issues you still have, how messed up your family members are....
Then there is this lull. A place that is quiet but does not feel peaceful. Where that messed up family, that you love anyways, goes home and everything settles. Then boredom sets in.
I am expectant that this year is going to be a year of change. A different kind of change. I know my God and I am waiting. I will not leave empty handed. At the end of this year, I want to look back and see healing. I want to see a grown ministry. I want to see my family molded into something different. I want to find patience. I want to leave fear at my feet and squash it. I want to live out love.
I watched this three-part video of Kari Jobe preaching about worship and ministry, and a part that sticks out for me still was about a-b-c gum. Do we want the second hand? I don't. I want to seek God first. I want to be part of His ministry. I don't want to have to wait in this boredom for ministries to serve me. I want to walk with God first hand. I don't want to get the traces others leave behind. (I will try and post this sermon- it was good.)
Anyways, days are hard, God is good. I am waiting in expectancy. This year is about breaking down strongholds. It is about making life different. It is about God molding something new. I have so much more to say but here is my New Years post. A glimpse of thoughts stirring. I have pictures in my head of so many things. I can't wait to share as they unfold....