Sunday, February 19, 2012

sweetness

A Family Treasure.

I just got a new-to-me desk. I was setting up my computer. I was reorganizing as I am preparing myself for a huge change. A change to homeschool my children, starting with my Aiden. I had also had gotten an old desk from a friend, for him. I cleaned the desk- mine. Garry set up my wiring for me and I started to put papers, inks, and cords away, happy to have my space back. I had put the small leather bible that I was using in my purse. It used to be here to serve for my writing. On my bookshelf in another room, I have a few other bibles and I decided it was time to use one that I never have but is brand new. It is a gorgeous Women of Faith Study Bible. The kind of Bible that I love. One with the paper edged to weigh it down and make it easier to flip through, New International Version that corresponds with my understanding and knowledge. It is a bible that I put away on purpose. It was a gift for my 25th birthday- Christmastime 2005. I am now thirty-one. I haven't used it. I thought it was time to pull it out. Now, I think that GOD had the idea first.... The inscription is made up of verses and encouragement from many generations of my mothers side, who are of Christian heritage. My Great Grandmother (who is now home in Heaven), my Grandpa and Grandma Campbell, my Aunty Sandy, who has always been a huge part of my life, and my Mother and Father, all wrote across the first two pages.
I had asked for this Bible. I wanted a new one. A fresh, empty one, free of writing. I was annoyed that this came with writing already. I was hurt when I read the verses and felt like they were all reprimand. I was pregnant with Aiden at the time. We had planned to start having kids but were only engaged. Garry was not ready to get married and I was tired of my dreams falling apart beyond my control. I had already chosen him and he had chosen me. I wanted to see my biggest plan of being a mother happen. At this point I had lost MacCrea too. What could I do when I was pregnant and my husband did not want to get married yet? Seriously. I had though, already begun to change.
Pulling out this bible now was no coincidence. I thought I should re-read the verses, knowing that they would no longer be offensive. What I did not expect was to laugh out loud and then tear up. The verses are all made up of scripture that I have seen in my Breaking Free, by Beth Moore, bible study which I am into with my mom's group. The verses and encouragement that my mom wrote, well, I must write it word for word. It is insightful to say the least:
My dearest daughter Tara, I know you will appreciate these thoughts and samples of your family's handwriting. On your 25th birthday you are grown up and a wonderful woman. You understood generational issues at a very young age and as an adult, family history becomes clearer. Bless you and your future- I love you so much, mom, xxo Deuteronomy 7:9, Luke 1:50, Psalms 78:3,4,6&7; 102:18;112:2. (If you are reading this, you should look these up.) If you don't know, part of our study is dealing with generational bondage at this very moment.
My Aunt had written a verse that I had already planned to be on the wall of my schoolroom, and wrote in my journal this afternoon: Proverbs 22:6~ Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. And this one too, I love~ Deuteronomy 6:4-12.  I am tired tonight or I would write them all out. You'll have to look them up if you want to know why I was in tears.
I am humbled again. Or should I say still. My GOD, who knows me, is doing a good work. I will treasure this bible now. It is so meaningful. It has promises and prayers from three generations before me, and I plan to carry them on, for a thousand generations forward. Thank you family. Thank you Redeemer GOD.

Friday, February 17, 2012

An adventure.

I've been walking through thick brush for awhile. It is daylight though so it feels hard but there is a knowing that even when I can only see just in front of me, I can still see. It is different than walking in the dark. There is still a tendency to cry out, "LORD, where am I going? How did I get here? What are you doing?" But in that last cry there is expectancy and hope, knowing my God, who redeems and then uses the spoils to grow fruit. To fertilize truth.
On this weeded road filled with overgrowth, there is a visible path. Someone or many even, have treaded through. Straight through. Beating down the brush with their determination. Not letting the denseness of life overtake but trusting that the path is good. All of a sudden God bends back the branches in front of me. The ones that showed a certain path. And He reveals a different one. A better one. I can feel his smirk above me. A loving one, as he is near, leading me in this turn. You see, He is taller. He could see what was coming and he held it in, knowing I needed to trust Him. I wasn't ready to see it all. I still don't see it all, but with each bending back of obstructions, and with each trampling down of weeds and overgrowth, there is a new way. A way that leads to newness, freedom, generational blessing. I am so excited. What an adventure.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

beautiful worship

rebuilding

It seems to me that this day of bible study homework should have been ravishing to my soul. (Dramatic, I know, but I am making a point.) It wasn't. I have been there. I have experienced those things. I have experienced the sin that follows years of a bothered mind and tainted childhood. But now there was no shame or agony. I could think of reasons why there should be, but it is gone. I hope and think that this is a testimony that I have been healed of these things. When it no longer rocks your existence. When it no longer shouts out that you are that evil and stuck with it forever. I am better in this area. I am seeing myself as free. And thanks to a talk with a friend yesterday, the tail end of it all is breaking off too. The remnants of destruction.
I told my husband the other day that this year was going to be good. Last year was a year of stripping off and this would be a year of change. "A rebuilding," he said. It made me laugh and then made me want to cry. He didn't even know that this was the theme of our study. The theme of this year. Was he looking over my shoulder as I read the words that came from this verse: They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. ~Isaiah 61:4. And this was confirmed again as my friend sent me a book about homeschooling of which the first page had this very verse. She didn't know either.
What did make me come to tears was the last part of our study. A pre-written prayer. A testament that you put yourself in. A promise that God gives to all of us.... I have a plan for you..... Let me perfect you. It seems to me that all the dreams that I have had, the plans made in my youth, did not turn out. But it is occurring in my heart, that He has a greater plan. More than I could have imagined. That's why He is God. We cannot even fathom his thoughts, his good plans towards us. Us. Me, even. I could have wound up a Christian wife, still bound in my pain, struggling with a man still bound in his, and living a mundane life. I have never believed in living a mundane or "just because" life. I have always thought that God has a purpose for us and that we don't have to settle for the ordinary. We can be extraordinary people. Somehow I had believed that it was too late and I would just have to carry on from here. But God had bigger plans. I will get to be whole. I will not have to settle or sit in my consequence. It was all in the plan. The life that I live now causes me to strive harder because I have to hold up my end. It causes me to see more of the other side because I am surrounded by it in so many ways. It makes my choices that much more important because they have purpose. I won't get stuck (hopefully ever) in the same old. I choose to be changed and be a catalyst for generations to come. In my weakness He is strong. I am so thankful for that. Romans 8:1,2~ Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Letting go. (Redeemer and Chief.)

I'm falling, I'm falling.... WAIT, I'm flying. Letting go is not about giving up, it is about giving up control over to God. Relinquishing all fear. Letting the leader of the home, be the leader of the home, and realizing that God is over him as well, even if he doesn't believe so. The same old truth that just because someone doesn't believe, doesn't make the truth change. Truth is truth. God is above. High above. Not even close to anything that disregards or is in opposition to Him as LORD.
First: 1 Corinthians 7:14~ For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
Second: 1 Peter 3:1-6~ Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the reverence and purity of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
....reverence and purity..... the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.... do what is right and do not give way to fear....
I have been asking for a restored gentle spirit, a sereneness. Wondering when I became so angry. Here are my answers and my how to. And why does it say do not give way to fear? My answer for that came to me this morning. Fear causes distrust; distrust makes one take over leadership, and that leads to not trusting God as well. In an inability to control, I get angry. And then I feel like everything is resting on my shoulders.... but I put it there. It is a vicious cycle. My husband has been showing me favor, the more that I let him be leader. GOD has been giving me favor. I searched more into this on blueletterbible.org (an amazing resource), and the "master" part translated is in one part meaning Chief. I'll take that one- my husband is Chief of the family- he has the power of deciding.
And it is no coincidence that this verse also talks about being a daughter of Sarah. We are the seeds of Abraham, co-heirs with Christ, the daughters of Sarah. (And this partly came out of my Beth Moore, Breaking Free homework, and Galatians 3:26-29.)
So, in all this, I will not remain stuck by my choices but will continue to hold up my part of the bargain, which is to do as God has asked and follow him. My leader, redeemer.