Wednesday, June 27, 2012

stormy nights

A storm came, literally, and God answered.

PSALM 139~
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.


I love.... before the world began, He had a plan.... and He hems me in like a blanket wrapped around me, and tucked in, away from the outside. I can rest in that.



a heart for encouragement

We (our mom's group) are starting a summer study. It is about Nehemiah; A Heart That Can Break. It is so fitting. It blends in to what is going on regarding changes this year. And it is a challenge- What has God put in your heart to do? I can't wait. We haven't even started but I have scanned over a few pages to the end and it is good.
My mind lately has been frustrated with this culture in our country. A complacent one. People that say, "It's just" often. It's just a tv show, it's just the way it is.... I think "it's just" is just an excuse. Excusing things that should not be okay as just fine because they are normal for us. Just because something is normal doesn't mean that it is truth. Anyways, I am sometimes no better, but I sure want to be. I don't think I will be in this country forever. I think that eventually I will be out on the missions field. It seems to me that purposeful people have an easier time of striving for excellence in their lives and for the lives of others. I do have purpose here at home, but it is harder to be encouraged in a place where you grew up. It is too familiar. People are too prone to settling back into a long-formed grooves. Although, I do  have to say that God can stir things up and He is.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

the wait

I am a wreck this week. Geesh. I think it may because I am in limbo right now. I am waiting on good and am stepping in obedience, and struggling at the edges of it. I am seeing good things happening as I step. My mind is a battlefield. I can't wait to see what is happening. I have asked God over and over this year to build my faith, and he is faithful. I know I won't be left standing here.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

bittersweet lament

Today is a hard day. So perfect. So planned. With whispers of promises. All of a sudden I can't see what the rest of the year will look like. It isn't clear anymore. It isn't layed out. I know it will not be the same as what I thought was coming. But this is good. A place where God takes over and molds a creative masterpiece- a beautiful work revealed in time. I have a heavy heart. A sadness for paths that separate, but who knows what lies ahead. Who knows if we will join up on the next journey. And this day is good, for the LORD made it.... and is in it.... and is for us....

Saturday, June 16, 2012

transition

I am grumpy. It is a time for a lull, yet it is busy. I can't wait for school to be done. I can't wait for our summer study to start. I can't wait for it to finally be sunny for more than an hour or two. I can't wait for my husband to feel better. I need a boost. Waiting in hope often turns to waiting in annoyance. But, God has done so much already this year. I am just holding on to that fact and not giving in to giving up. The end.

Monday, June 4, 2012

inner turmoil

I feel like God is asking me to do something extraordinary. I don't want to misunderstand. I don't want to be naive. But, it keeps coming back to this. I feel like I have only one person to talk to about this even because it is not the "norm." I don't even know how to go about it or what will happen but I know that there are things planned beyond what I can imagine, from the heart of my God.
I don't know anything hard that God moves in until you take the first step. He woos but he does not push. When you finally step it is like a wind surrounding, beginning a movement bigger than yourself. I have seen huge things done, heart prayers answered, looking back in retrospect.
And then scripture echoes the same. A call and a decision. Those who walked past the hard moment did great, magnificent things. Those who said no and hardened their hearts, were passed by and God used somebody else for his glory and plan.
So it keeps coming back to this. I am trying to plan it in my human head but that brings delay, hesitation. A conversation needs to happen. I know this will bring a storm of talk and discouragement but God keeps bringing me back to this place. I listen to him first. I do hate the downheartening that comes from those words though. And today, I was reminded of a past time that attests to my heart prayers. I think this step will answer them all and bring me into obedience of a truth overlooked often. I am not ready.... but God is calling....

Friday, June 1, 2012

blind-sided

In this moment I am thankful for insight. For staying away from harm, even when most would take it lightly. And in this my child was kept from something despised and dark. I am so thankful that my God is faithful. I am overwhelmed with how close this came to home. I am so sad that this world has things that we have to shelter our kids from. They should just be safe and innocent, but the truth is they are influenced by everything and it is not all good. I love my kids. They take priority. In this situation, I know that I have made one good decision and am moving in the right direction with another huge one.
My oldest child turns six soon. That is big. I remember tons of things from the age of six on. Big things. Influential things. Character forming things. I pray that from here he gets to experience pure, lovely, noble, right, true things.
This situation, shock-scary as it is, builds my faith and my determination to move closer to what I want for my family. Now if I could just catch my breath.