A woman's choice.

Awhile back I started doing a search/study on what God says about children. I know they are definitely a blessing but I wanted to find some inspiration- to force some change. I am too often impatient and overwhelmed. Out of that grew something that I have believed but is now going deeper and being refined. First off, I was inspired by Ephesians 6:4 which in part says... bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.... Words that came out- training, teaching, nurturing, admonish, by the word of encouragement. Amidst this I started to plan to homeschool. The next thing that happened was interesting in the way it has played out in my life forward and then backwards.
I have been against common birth control for quite awhile. First off, it makes me sick. Secondly, when I had my second miscarriage, I was sent to a gynecologist who flippantly told me that birth control (any pill you take) causes your uterus to change and you may be able to get pregnant but the baby will not be able to grow properly. Hence, this probably caused me to lose these babes as each one was conceived after being on the pill. (My healthy kids were not.) But something else started to bother me, and that was the want for more children but not trusting that it could happen or should happen. I actually said to my friend at one point this year, " I don't know if I should wait awhile and have another baby, or if I should just let God (pause) be in control."
This was a perfect statement to come out of my mouth and to lead me to search out the next discussion with God, that being, what does He think about childbearing. Words- children are a reward, a blessing, be fruitful, multiply. The only place that I see a refrain mentioned was when there was sickness. And then there is the story in Genesis 38 where Onan spilled his semen on the ground and kept Tamar from conceiving , and this was wicked in the Lord's sight and He put him to death. Makes you start to think. A reward that comes with blessings. I want that. I want to trust that my God works all things for the good of those who love him and keep his commands. His commands....
And here's the backwards parts.... I have always wanted a large family. Since I was six or seven playing MASH (thank you S for reminding me what this game was called), I have always said I wanted five, seven, nine, many kids. My desire has always been for that and this trusting in Him would just be fulfilling this desire, without fear. Without caring what the status-quo is. I have never feared about the providing part because God says he will provide. So what does He say about about the other parts?? ......... Once you know, it is your decision to believe or reject. This is a biggy but I have taken a few little steps towards giving in to God. And it isn't just about having many children, but trusting that my God has a plan and a purpose for what He says is true and I can trust Him. I choose to do just that.

The next chapter.

Dudes (yes sometimes I say dudes, I was an eighty's child), my God is amazing. Our summer bible study, which is Kelly Minter's Nehemiah- A Heart That Can Break, started off smashingly. It went so well and of course, not how I imagined it would. And God gave me a picture to go with it- I want to share....
It was a picture of an old broken down wall. A wall not of brick but so old it was made of stones and mortar. The pieces of stones had broken edges and faces, the mortar was disintegrating, and a jagged edge across the top. A hand/arm was reaching in and pulling out the broken stones, and with authority, replacing the rock with gems. A large ruby here, a sapphire, an amethyst of purple, and a turquoise. Building up the wall strong and shining.
This is a picture of our God. He is making everything beautiful in time. He doesn't just rebuild our lives with new stones and say, "There, you are all back to the way your were." No, He makes those broken places into beauty. Beauty for ashes. Strength for fear. Gladness for mourning. Peace for despair.
And He let's us be part of the work. Yeehaw! Haha.

I will go.

Here we go. I am so excited. And I am terrified. I saw it coming, but then it is like God put on a blindfold and led me into the room that way so that it was more exciting when he revealed what was waiting. I am being obedient. I am saying yes. I am choosing to follow even though sometimes the pressure is overwhelming. It's called faith building. Stepping out without a clear view and then seeing a joyous confirmation as the clouds part. I asked for it. It was planned before. Here we go.