The Perfect.

I am sad with stuckness. But a study is coming. It is time to dig in deep. God is never late. Ruth is about loss, love, and legacy. My sadness, my stuckness, is in these things. I feel like I am not good enough to lead right now.... but His grace is sufficient, so I go. An excitement stirs through the sadness of heart, for I know that my God is faithful. We aren't done until we're home. We never reach perfect, and even if we were to, we couldn't keep hold of it. What a bummer, eh? We will always be sinners, until we are not. Until we are home. Not one of us is without fault. But, alas, there is a hope.(Haha, who says alas- I think it is my son's classic English books giving me these thoughts.) One hope.         Jesus.        The end.

Rest

Had a little rough spat, but that's human. :) Can feel more change stirring again. More growth is coming. This is that year where it rains so much the trees get full and shoot up magnificently. Physically actually too (this summer), as well as spiritually.
I am looking forward to winter and that blanket of snow. It means a time of staying in, crafting, having friends over, and sitting in God instead of rushing around- or so I hope.
Starting a new Kelly Minter study of Ruth next week with the core and some more. Love these friends and can't wait. Things have somehow settled at home too. There is a lingering of yuck and dirt but it'll get shaken off again as I start digging into truth. These times of laying down too long need to get fewer. Or at least when I lay down, I need to rest in God and not in giving up a bit. My life is still divided a bit but it is time to start huddling down together as a family and building up inside. Yeehaw.

One good reason.

I am grumpy. I don't feel like being thankful, even though I really am. For so much. For not having to be overwhelmed with evil from Halloween. That this flu is calm and there are no fevers raging. That we have a beautiful acreage accompanying our home. That my husband has work that God provides and I can be a mom. That even if we don't have a turkey feast, we have food- always. That God has shown me favor this year. Heck, maybe I shouldn't be grumpy. I have prayer that changes things and a place to go to fellowship freely. I have friends and family and hope, even if they piss me off sometimes. Even if I piss myself off sometimes. I have a God, the God, that is merciful. The most good reason.

Weirdness

I am having such a weird week. I feel like I am in an inbetween. I haven't seen the besterfields in forever it seems. I need a push. I did get to visit a friend this week though, inbetween sick kids. I needed that. I feel like I am waiting and not being heard and lingering too long. In limbo. 
Writing helps me sort my thoughts but I don't have anything left to say. Just waiting.

Straight talk.

I am a little bit of a wreck.
I have been talking alot about walls. (You can thank our summer Nehemiah study for that).
These things are true in my life literally right now so you don't have to read between the lines or worry about me crashing:

--> I am ever-increasingly thankful for God's leading to homeschool. Every month there is some part of it that I did not see before that is good and purposeful. It brings me joy, added on and running over.

--> There is a reason that scripture warns about unequal yolking- it is torture and this I knew beforehand (but that is for another post). It is not fun being a Christian with a unbelieving spouse that you love, but that has different spiritual thoughts than you. And this comes into play hugely once you have kids- sometimes not until then.

--> Just because I am having a bad day, moment, month, and have been crushed a little, doesn't mean that God isn't working change in my life. This is a good year. This is a year to write down. God is not finished with it. With me. I cannot give up.

--> I find it so weird to be soaring in some aspects of life and laying face-down in other ones. That is tiring. It is like a start/stop/start/stop feeling.

--> I am getting a bit angry and that is a warning sign. Angry means wall I think. I am trying to be humble about this all and to choose to be in charge of myself, but as of this moment that isn't happening very well.

--> The flu is in our house so everyone is grumpy, especially Mom who is tired and doesn't like to be stuck in the house.... but that means I have time to potty train, finally. Haha. 

One crooked side of the wall.

I was thinking awhile back that my husband didn't sign up for this; for a wife striving for God's purpose in her family. We didn't have a family then, but my heart light was shadowed. I was then thinking that he loved me at my worst. Or at least the end of my worst? It was not good anyways. Did he know it was my worst. Probably not. I put up walls. Huge ones. I needed them. Too much pain and I needed to shield myself from any more. The funny thing about walls is that they work. They keep people out, they keep pain out.... but they keep pain in too. I think by trying to keep out any more destruction, I kept out any growth. God was there but He in me was shadowed from the outside. There are many blessings that came out of those curses now, and changes from lies grasped in my hand that I could not see. It is just too bad that all those walls happened. Then one day I found myself shouting from the inside and those walls started to crumble. Anyways, you know that part of the story but now I am living on the other side, rebuilding new walls with gates, that are for truth to be held but not shadowed. I wish I was not building them alone. I wish I was the one doing the mortar and not the heavy lifting. But I am. Sometimes I just want to kick them in cause I am still hurting, and build them up at a better time. But that time would never come and besides this wall has a gate to let people in and let some light out.
....And then I see a friend, doing the same as me. Building up brick walls. Only her eyes telling the truth. You can't grow in darkness and I want to warn her. I can't. I am on the outside of the wall. But every time I see her eyes I can feel that scream cry from the inside. I know it too well. I just want to carry her for awhile.... but I can't. I already have a load too heavy to handle and if I reach out, I might drop it. Can you build a friend's wall? I can build a friend up, but there is a crowd forming and I can't get through. I need a quiet place to help. I am not strong enough to push through that crowd right now.
And what right do I have to say anything. I am not better than her. I am barely made whole in grace. Slipping in and out of hope. Hope in my redeemer. Slim to none in my situation. But God is above both of ours. I am waiting for some help. Maybe I am the one who needs to be carried. I am doing a bad job of holding on and I think my wall is crooked. Prayer please.

brain sick

I should have stayed home today. My PTSD is showing. I hate it. It just comes on like a storm. I am fine and good and then the next day I am trying to keep my car on the road and concentrate. I went to bed last night with images of curving roads flashing in my head from trying to hold on all day. I wanted to sleep but I have to wait until I stop shaking, or I pray that I fall asleep fast before my heart stops beating. Wow, that it really bad now that I said it out loud but it's been the norm for me for a long time. That said, today I should have stayed home....
I know when I have had enough. It's like the intelligent part of my mind switches off and the sensing part takes over. But it takes over thirty times stronger. I see in frames and I joke that I have mom brain but it is not mom brain, and it is not fun. I am so glad that we cleaned the house before we left today, and I am glad that the kids are settled into a movie, and I can rest for a few. I think I need to sleep and sift through some lies now. This day was off. Serious off. And yesterday I saw a friend that makes me feel sorrow and the need to reach out and grab her, mid air. That whole situation frustrates me. There are other things going on too, not to mention here.
I really do think that this month is going to be good but I feel a bit angry lately. Angry isn't good. I need to not forget how far in we are this year. It is time for the next mountain. Or maybe this time I won't have to climb. And is this really post traumatic stress, or is it fear trying to creep back in? Sickness coincides with starvation. My soul needs to be fed and my body needs to rest. I am staying home this month. And I pray that God makes the good happen, because I sure cannot. My hope is in Him. Good thing. My redeemer, He is faithful.