Time for a song.

This makes me want to ditch this place, whatever it is....

Sometimes one can just not remain silent

 I am sick from the bend. I am tired from the "if we can't beat 'em join 'em" attitude. I am sad at the confusion that comes when we let cultural lie siphon into long-standing, unchanging truth. God loving people should be having conversations. No one should be hushing. And what we disagree upon, we should hash out by comparing notes on the word of God and what it all means. There is culture involved, and literary tones. The Bible is one story alone, of an unchanging God through an ever changing, stubborn, needing of love world. If we let go of the reverence of that, then where does our faith come from? Yes, some issues are minor, are personal preference; but some issues change the way we are family, the way we do life, and the way we show grace or hear truth. Maybe we need to decide personally which is which. That will not come from making light of anything but from seeking out all truth. I am big on truth. Ream me out, discuss, change my mind, challenge me, admonish me, let us cry it out.... but do not snuff out the truth. That kills me. That makes my heart long for home. So, give me a reasonable answer, a realistic answer, a studied one. I will challenge you and you will challenge me. Let it not be one of comparison, unless compared with a book that my God was big enough to orchestrate for the good of us all.

The wrong kind of undone.

There is a difference in keeping peace and people pleasing. Peace brings rest. The other brings false guilt, unrest, flattery, and self indulgence even. I need peace. I need respect for the things that I want for my family. I need understanding of who I am and my limits and boundaries. I do not want to please you for the sake of doing so. I don't want to become a bitter servant to you, putting my needs aside until I feel undone. I want to be honest when I need to say no, and without backlash. I am an individual and don't see everything the same as you. That is okay. That fact is good. There needs to be mutual understanding, and love. It can be discussion, and hashing out points of consideration. But, in the end it is my decision, or the decision of my own family together. My family comes before other things and I answer to God alone. I measure my decision against His Word only, and not always perfectly at that. If we disagree, do not try and shame me. Don't give me a hard time. It will just divide us. And, if you are wrong, admit it. Forgiveness brings peace. Understanding brings peace. Pulling each other up brings rest for my soul, and also for yours.    

A minute to let go of frustrations.

I don't have time to be here. I am exhausted and overwhelmed this week. Often. I have laundry and dishes to do, school to blog and report, kids hair to cut and wash. Life is busy and full. My heart is not full at the moment. It comes in waves. I am waiting. I am longing for so much more but stuck in a half house. Half full of Jesus and half full of unbelief. It makes me angry, frustrated. Vented anger is unloving. That adds to the un-Jesus parts. A half way house is a perfect metaphor for how I feel; partly recovered but on probation, and surrounded by the destroying sickness that could send you back to the hell you came out of. I try to be brave. Everyday. And since leaving my bed is leaving my comfort zone, everyday is hard. That sounds ridiculous, but it is true. Everyday is painful and scary and hard. It seems that the only escape is to fly free of all of this and live a simple serving life. I know that life. When you are completely walking in the will of the Father, there is no fear. Or at least no overcoming, unhealthy fear.
So, here I am waiting for some free flying and some brave people to step up. Why is it that we protect the wrong, and in that decision, maim the weaker. Sometimes even maim the whole. I am waiting for a change in community. Community is important. Overarchingly important. And that is not even a word but it should be. There is an overarching (and that is a word) importance to protect the whole. Fix the problem or we will all bleed to death. Think in terms of the body. Cuts bleed. Infections fester. But, salves heal. Kind words mend. Bandages tied protect. And it is time for diagnoses. It is time for a growing. I no longer want to be a transplant that is never fully functioning. I want to be part of the whole. It is the time for that.     
Pray for me. For my family. For my heart health. For my community of God seeking people. I know what my heart speaks. I just have to wait for the changes.