I am reading through the books of Kings in my bible right now. I am loving the history lessons. I am awed at Solomon's life and the fruit of his father's love for God, God's faithfulness and unfailing love, and the affect that our lives have, continuing on after we are gone.
David's promise from God:
1Kings 2:1-4~ When the time drew near for David to die, he gave charge to Solomon his son.
"I am about to go the way of all the earth," he said. "So, be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the LORD your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go, and that the LORD may keep his promise to me: 'If your descendants watch how they live, and if they walk faithfully before me with all their heart and soul, you will never fail to have a man on the throne of Israel.'
God blesses beyond what we can imagine if our hearts are right (Solomon's prayer):
1Kings 3:6-15~ Solomon answered, "You have shown great kindness to your servant, my father David, because he was faithful to you and righteous and upright in heart. You have continued this great kindness to him and have given him a son to sit on his throne this very day."
"Now, O LORD my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number.So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
The LORD was please that Solomon had asked for this. So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discerning in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for- both riches and honor- so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life." Then Solomon awoke- and he realized it had been a dream.
He returned to Jerusalem, stood before the ark of the LORD's covenant and sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowships offerings. Then he gave a feast for all his court.
This blows me away. Not in surprise; I know my God. It blows me away in the fact that God pours on the blessings when we trust him. When we seek his will first, before our own benefits. He heard Solomon's heart cry, which probably came from a place of feeling inadequate for the job. And it gets better....
The fruit of that prayer:
1Kings 4:29-34~ God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore. Solomon's wisdom was greater than than the wisdom of all the men of the East, and greater than all the wisdom of Egypt. He was wiser than any other man, including Ethan the Ezrahite- wiser than Heman, Calcol and Darda, the sons of Mahol. And his fame spread to all the surrounding nations. He spoke three thousand proverbs and his songs numbered a thousand and five. He described plant life, from the cedar of Lebanon to the Hyssop that grow out of walls. He also taught about animals and birds, reptiles and fish. Men of all nations came to listen to Solomon's wisdom, sent by all the kings of the world, who had heard of his wisdom.
Solomon chose to rebuild God's temple before his own place and in beautiful detail as instructed by the LORD. You should read and imagine in 1Kings 6&7. (I now want carved cherubim and lions in my house. HaHA.) He was greatly rich as well. Unfortunately he let in the customs of his foreign wives and built altars for their gods. But, even then, God kept his promise to David, his father.
Consequence and extended blessings:
1Kings 11:11-13~ So the LORD said to Solomon, "Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates. Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son. Yet I will not tear out the whole kingdom from him, but will give him one tribe for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen."
God is just. He is unfailing in love. I just finished reading 1Kings this morning, and story after story God is fair. He also is merciful at this turning point for the kings who humble themselves and ask for mercy with repentant hearts. And for those people (kings, prophets, and others), who choose to not bow their hearts, he just uses someone else to fulfill His purposes. Such promises. Why would it matter in our death what happens? What did it matter when David was already gone? But God is beyond death, and God keeps his word. He teaches us, blesses beyond our understanding, and then adds onto that for the generations after us. This reaffirms what my eyes have been opened to more and more. Awesome, in the entirety of this overused word. I want to have a humble heart that seeks God's truth and wisdom, and I hope the blessings to be an afterthought, straight from the heart of a loving God.
Matthew 6:28-33~ "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all theses things will be given to you as well."
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Homeschool. A general thought.
I choose to homeschool because:
~ I love my kids and want the best for them. I find it exciting, and encouraging to them, to be a part of their learning.
~ I have found that the standard of education has declined and for an example; I had taught my oldest son to read with a preschool phonetic program (not finishing the last twenty lessons), and he is at about a grade two reading level while still in Kindergarten.
~ The reaction to bullying has caused an attitude of punishment rather than teaching manners and respect, and has taken away some natural "boys being boys" play. I am against any bullying still, just so no one freaks out, and I am not meaning to take away the seriousness of that.
~ To go along with the last point, I want to teach my kids to love and cherish each other and family. I want to instill in them my values and beliefs. Things such as love, patience, charity, respect of self and others.... and the list goes on. I want to give them a firm foundation to become confident, generous, loving, unselfish, down-to-earth people.
~ I don't want my children to be "sheltered" in the sense of how I, and I am sure many other people, view homeschoolers. I do however want to guard their little hearts and minds from issues that are detrimental to their well being at this young age. I have already encountered numerous issues that are not age-appropriate in my mind; such as discussions surrounding the normality of sexual experimentation. Again.... AGE FIVE.
So, there you go... some general reasons why we are going to take a new path for our family. There are also many in depth reasons after researching and studying what it means to train-up kids, and what homeschool looks like for this generation. I am not going it alone either- there are five families following the same path. We have a learning mentor/teacher who will make sure we are on track and meeting BC requirements. I am excited and am preparing for the next months before we begin in September.
~ I love my kids and want the best for them. I find it exciting, and encouraging to them, to be a part of their learning.
~ I have found that the standard of education has declined and for an example; I had taught my oldest son to read with a preschool phonetic program (not finishing the last twenty lessons), and he is at about a grade two reading level while still in Kindergarten.
~ The reaction to bullying has caused an attitude of punishment rather than teaching manners and respect, and has taken away some natural "boys being boys" play. I am against any bullying still, just so no one freaks out, and I am not meaning to take away the seriousness of that.
~ To go along with the last point, I want to teach my kids to love and cherish each other and family. I want to instill in them my values and beliefs. Things such as love, patience, charity, respect of self and others.... and the list goes on. I want to give them a firm foundation to become confident, generous, loving, unselfish, down-to-earth people.
~ I don't want my children to be "sheltered" in the sense of how I, and I am sure many other people, view homeschoolers. I do however want to guard their little hearts and minds from issues that are detrimental to their well being at this young age. I have already encountered numerous issues that are not age-appropriate in my mind; such as discussions surrounding the normality of sexual experimentation. Again.... AGE FIVE.
So, there you go... some general reasons why we are going to take a new path for our family. There are also many in depth reasons after researching and studying what it means to train-up kids, and what homeschool looks like for this generation. I am not going it alone either- there are five families following the same path. We have a learning mentor/teacher who will make sure we are on track and meeting BC requirements. I am excited and am preparing for the next months before we begin in September.
An oak.
Train. Teach. Nurture. Admonish. Encourage.
To not just do, but show.
To not just say, but example.
To not just love, but to choose the best.
To not just tell, but search out the truth.
To not just thank, but praise.
I write this post in change. Over days of contemplation. My eyesight is shifted to a wiser view. Of kings who knew God and still failed. Of children who never knew God because they were not taught. Of people who followed him and then were blessed- His promises carried on to the next generations, even after they were gone. This is my declaration. Of God's grace. Of God's promises. This is my prayer- to let God grow it in His way....
PSALM 103~
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed out transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness to his children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all. Praise the LORD you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the LORD, O my soul.
As for me, I will continually seek God through searching out his word, waiting in prayer, and declaring in worship. To instill this in my children. For God to be of utmost importance and priority. To not forget what He brought me through and to tell of what He has done. To be a witness of and with grace. To be a show of his unfailing love. We choose you back Jesus, redeemer. Let me be your oak.
To not just do, but show.
To not just say, but example.
To not just love, but to choose the best.
To not just tell, but search out the truth.
To not just thank, but praise.
I write this post in change. Over days of contemplation. My eyesight is shifted to a wiser view. Of kings who knew God and still failed. Of children who never knew God because they were not taught. Of people who followed him and then were blessed- His promises carried on to the next generations, even after they were gone. This is my declaration. Of God's grace. Of God's promises. This is my prayer- to let God grow it in His way....
PSALM 103~
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed out transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness to his children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all. Praise the LORD you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the LORD, O my soul.
As for me, I will continually seek God through searching out his word, waiting in prayer, and declaring in worship. To instill this in my children. For God to be of utmost importance and priority. To not forget what He brought me through and to tell of what He has done. To be a witness of and with grace. To be a show of his unfailing love. We choose you back Jesus, redeemer. Let me be your oak.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Increasing plunder to splendor.
Last night I had some interesting dreams. This morning I was thinking on one part in which I was reminded what it felt like to serve in missions, and realized in my dream, that God was restoring my heart for missions. As I drove my son to school, I thought about how I am preparing to homeschool. How I have been content in the home that we now live in, and I am not striving for a bigger, nicer house anymore. I have no desire to scan the real estate pages or drool over home plan magazines. And this house has many updates needed. I am content with just enough. It makes me laugh at the potential in my mind. A sustainable family. I have no desire to pack up and head for the mission field anytime soon but it reminds me that God's plans are in effect and working before we even make a choice for change. He is equipping us, and using everything. Before we make a choice, he is preparing the way. Whispering encouragements in our ears. Planting seeds in our hearts. I am overwhelmed with expectant anticipation at what life will look like ongoing. God has been doing good things. I cannot share them all yet. It will come.
Yesterday was a downer.... "attack of the killer angel;" the one who accuses and adds up all evil, all failure. I am glad to say that God can use all my failure for His good. Might I add that this morning my bible study was talking about extending yourself to the poor and hungry. The oppressed. Fitting as always. I have been asking God for new dreams. I am past all the ones I imagined. He is unfailing and is giving me new ones. I have outlived my plans. Haha. Now I want to live on His.
Yesterday was a downer.... "attack of the killer angel;" the one who accuses and adds up all evil, all failure. I am glad to say that God can use all my failure for His good. Might I add that this morning my bible study was talking about extending yourself to the poor and hungry. The oppressed. Fitting as always. I have been asking God for new dreams. I am past all the ones I imagined. He is unfailing and is giving me new ones. I have outlived my plans. Haha. Now I want to live on His.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Letting it out.
I don't want to stand still.... I don't want to reach a point where I think that I am finally good enough. I don't want to reach the club status and stay there. The club where if you attain a certain standard, you are able to judge anyone who falls. The club, where there is an unspoken rule to never make a ripple in the waters. There is a guarded "niceness" that is not nice. Do not rebuke, do not preach a word that challenges someone to change, really. And most of all, do not exceed the norm. Do not attempt to change things for the next generation.... "We have always done things this way." Do not hear a word from God and speak it out..... "Who made you holier than though." Do not make a choice solely intended for God's purpose in your own life.... "You should get some training first."
I do not want to face condemnation, despair, discouragement, from other people who have been saved by grace and read the same bible that I do, when I have been inspired towards something, by God. I do not step lightly but in hope, with faith, and trusting that God will turn my heel if I am wrong. I wait on Him for a word, I weigh it, I wait for reassurance, confirmation. Please don't snuff out my light. Anyone's light. Rebuke if need be, but please, weigh your words with the truth. Ask why even. God does not have the same plans for all of us, except that they are plans for good and not harm. If you are causing harm, then you are stepping out of the plan..... Hm..... I will think on that one. A good reminder.
This is my vent.
I do not want to face condemnation, despair, discouragement, from other people who have been saved by grace and read the same bible that I do, when I have been inspired towards something, by God. I do not step lightly but in hope, with faith, and trusting that God will turn my heel if I am wrong. I wait on Him for a word, I weigh it, I wait for reassurance, confirmation. Please don't snuff out my light. Anyone's light. Rebuke if need be, but please, weigh your words with the truth. Ask why even. God does not have the same plans for all of us, except that they are plans for good and not harm. If you are causing harm, then you are stepping out of the plan..... Hm..... I will think on that one. A good reminder.
This is my vent.
Good intentions.
I have been having a not-so-great week. I have not done a bit of my homework. I have been busy but not getting all the jobs done. I have been feeling overwhelmed and sad. I have been discouraged by the acts of people. I want change. I don't want to be held back by people who don't want to change. I am not perfect. I am sometimes awful. But I will never stand still.
I woke up with this song running through my head..... I went to the enemies camp, and I, took back what he stole from me..... Fitting. I will take that. No one is above me or below me. We are all equal. We are all sinners. I choose to be the encourager. The puller. The uplifter. When I am feeling dragged down, I will pull back. I won't lay down and die as much as I feel like it sometimes. I will instead, lie down and wait on the LORD.
Remind me to wait on the LORD.
I woke up with this song running through my head..... I went to the enemies camp, and I, took back what he stole from me..... Fitting. I will take that. No one is above me or below me. We are all equal. We are all sinners. I choose to be the encourager. The puller. The uplifter. When I am feeling dragged down, I will pull back. I won't lay down and die as much as I feel like it sometimes. I will instead, lie down and wait on the LORD.
Remind me to wait on the LORD.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
An act of injustice, used justly by God.
I was given a gift yesterday. A mirror. It was humbling and saddened my heart to the point of anxiety. I was watching and wanted to cover my ears and scream. An action of mine, mirrored through another person. God nudging me to show me how horrible it is. It was an answered prayer. I have needed something strong to bring a change in the way that I think and act in a certain circumstance. That was it. What I needed. I am going to think on it and let it resonate in my heart and mind. It is not over, but I know that God doesn't leave a thing unfinished. I am so grateful, you see, I have been asking for this. When my own will could not change me. When I couldn't see or think a way out. I know that then God is faithful to weave a new way. That's why I love him. Unfailing. Seek and wait.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
I am not the boss.
Two nights ago, I was digging into my bible study and God reminded me of the scripture he had given me last year....PSALM 103~ Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD,
O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and it's place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.
The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
A few different thoughts came out of this. Last year the part that stuck out to me the most was that God is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever.... But reading this the other night, the part that hit me, was that of God; who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems.... who crowns you with love and compassion.... My redeemer will heal me. I will not have a spirit of despair.
This last night while doing my bible study, I looked at this scripture again as I read Beth Moore's words about God's love and how unbelief is what gets in our way. About how God loves me. Of course I know this but it makes me squirm a bit. I want to put it some other way but there isn't one. I just don't like the word itself, so trite in the world. God is love, God loves me. If I do not believe it, then I am calling God a liar. And this is what I have been seeing recently; that God is my redeemer. There may be consequence to sin, but he forgives us so deeply and loves us so greatly that he renews us, even our diseases. He backtracks. He rebuilds us. Some consequences we can't take back, because we can't erase choices, but He redeems. I have to believe it. His word is truth.
The second thought came out of my prayers for my children. I have been waiting/hoping for a new mindset when it comes to dealing with my children and having patience. I was good at this to start, having an attitude of teaching/discipling them into knowing what is right. The more kids, and the more tired/in pain I have become, I have gotten away from that. Our society on a whole feeds into the mindset that kids are something that we all are entitled to, and that is not in line with God's truth; that children are a blessing. Therefore, kids are treated as an accessory; as something that is a stage of life and when they are grown, what a relief it is to see them go. I don't want that. I want a life where my children are treasured, where they always know they are loved and are confident that they have a voice. Where they still like to come home even when they have homes of their own, and where the teaching and nurturing doesn't end just because they can feed themselves.
A part of this Psalm reminded me of my love for my children. It made me think in a new way of how God loves me and how God loves them.... as far as the east is from the west.... I like to tell my eldest son that I love him big big big big big big loves. As I say this, I open my arms wider and wider until they are stretched out side to side. East to west. I had just been telling him at bedtime prayers, as I had hurt his feelings and had to apologize, that God loves him even more than I do. Could he imagine that. Mom loves as far as she can reach but God, He can reach further. He can love with unfailing love. He does. He is.
Our kids may be in our care, but God already has a purpose for them. They are already people in full, from before they were conceived (and there's another topic in my heart). I often think my kids are mine alone and consequentially, I might lose them in my sin or something. They aren't mine. I can rest in the fact that God has a plan and purpose for them from conception, he loves them more than I do (I can't possibly imagine/understand that love fully), and although I can train them up and influence them, I cannot lose them. They belong to God. I am not the boss. I want to encourage them. They have purpose even now. I love that. What a truth. They are a blessing. I have always known that but you know when you ask God to change something that you in yourself can't and He speaks to your spirit, it was like that. And so, God is answering more prayers. A year of rebuilding. I can see a little of what is to come, but the way in which it all comes together, is knit by God's purpose. I can rest in the fact that he knows what he is doing. He is building my faith.
O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and it's place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.
The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
A few different thoughts came out of this. Last year the part that stuck out to me the most was that God is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever.... But reading this the other night, the part that hit me, was that of God; who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems.... who crowns you with love and compassion.... My redeemer will heal me. I will not have a spirit of despair.
This last night while doing my bible study, I looked at this scripture again as I read Beth Moore's words about God's love and how unbelief is what gets in our way. About how God loves me. Of course I know this but it makes me squirm a bit. I want to put it some other way but there isn't one. I just don't like the word itself, so trite in the world. God is love, God loves me. If I do not believe it, then I am calling God a liar. And this is what I have been seeing recently; that God is my redeemer. There may be consequence to sin, but he forgives us so deeply and loves us so greatly that he renews us, even our diseases. He backtracks. He rebuilds us. Some consequences we can't take back, because we can't erase choices, but He redeems. I have to believe it. His word is truth.
The second thought came out of my prayers for my children. I have been waiting/hoping for a new mindset when it comes to dealing with my children and having patience. I was good at this to start, having an attitude of teaching/discipling them into knowing what is right. The more kids, and the more tired/in pain I have become, I have gotten away from that. Our society on a whole feeds into the mindset that kids are something that we all are entitled to, and that is not in line with God's truth; that children are a blessing. Therefore, kids are treated as an accessory; as something that is a stage of life and when they are grown, what a relief it is to see them go. I don't want that. I want a life where my children are treasured, where they always know they are loved and are confident that they have a voice. Where they still like to come home even when they have homes of their own, and where the teaching and nurturing doesn't end just because they can feed themselves.
A part of this Psalm reminded me of my love for my children. It made me think in a new way of how God loves me and how God loves them.... as far as the east is from the west.... I like to tell my eldest son that I love him big big big big big big loves. As I say this, I open my arms wider and wider until they are stretched out side to side. East to west. I had just been telling him at bedtime prayers, as I had hurt his feelings and had to apologize, that God loves him even more than I do. Could he imagine that. Mom loves as far as she can reach but God, He can reach further. He can love with unfailing love. He does. He is.
Our kids may be in our care, but God already has a purpose for them. They are already people in full, from before they were conceived (and there's another topic in my heart). I often think my kids are mine alone and consequentially, I might lose them in my sin or something. They aren't mine. I can rest in the fact that God has a plan and purpose for them from conception, he loves them more than I do (I can't possibly imagine/understand that love fully), and although I can train them up and influence them, I cannot lose them. They belong to God. I am not the boss. I want to encourage them. They have purpose even now. I love that. What a truth. They are a blessing. I have always known that but you know when you ask God to change something that you in yourself can't and He speaks to your spirit, it was like that. And so, God is answering more prayers. A year of rebuilding. I can see a little of what is to come, but the way in which it all comes together, is knit by God's purpose. I can rest in the fact that he knows what he is doing. He is building my faith.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
prayer from my heart
GOD WHO KNOWS US, let us break free of the mold that our culture has put upon us. Continue working in us and through us so that our lives will not become bound up again. Let us put on a garment of praise when our spirits are heavy, for you are great and able to fullfill what you have promised. Your gifts and good, your love is unwavering. GOD OF THE AGES, we love love you.
Friday, March 16, 2012
A story in part.
Titus 2:3-5~ Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. They can train the much younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
I love my Grandma. I just talked to her for hours on the phone this morning. She did all of this in what she said. She has lived and she is wise. She has many stories and if you listen, you can hear her heart, you can hear about what has brought her brokeness in life, and you will hear that she will do anything to fight for her family the best she knows how. She is a keeper of things, but she is a giver. She doesn't want to miss a need. She wasn't raised lovingly, but she raised my cousins out of love, when her children were already grown. And the God who knows her, who she trusts in, loves her.
I have good memories of her house from when we were growing up. My cousin was one of my best friends. Some memories are wild, like of all the cousins taking little red tricycles and flying down the big hill beside her house until your legs flew off from the speed. Then we would dart into the farm road (and sometimes the farm fence) at the bottom of the hill, to avoid a busy road down a little ways further. We had a playhouse to play in that my Grandpa built, and trees to climb.
My Grandma, she taught us manners, fruits of the Spirit, table settings, proper speech, and how to color in little circles at the edge of a drawing- to stay in the lines. I remember her picking lice out of mine and my cousins hair, past bedtime, when it broke out in our schools, and it being fun. I remember her taking us for walks down the hill to pick raspberries, always teaching along the way. She is a woman who brought change to her lineage....
I love my Grandma. I just talked to her for hours on the phone this morning. She did all of this in what she said. She has lived and she is wise. She has many stories and if you listen, you can hear her heart, you can hear about what has brought her brokeness in life, and you will hear that she will do anything to fight for her family the best she knows how. She is a keeper of things, but she is a giver. She doesn't want to miss a need. She wasn't raised lovingly, but she raised my cousins out of love, when her children were already grown. And the God who knows her, who she trusts in, loves her.
I have good memories of her house from when we were growing up. My cousin was one of my best friends. Some memories are wild, like of all the cousins taking little red tricycles and flying down the big hill beside her house until your legs flew off from the speed. Then we would dart into the farm road (and sometimes the farm fence) at the bottom of the hill, to avoid a busy road down a little ways further. We had a playhouse to play in that my Grandpa built, and trees to climb.
My Grandma, she taught us manners, fruits of the Spirit, table settings, proper speech, and how to color in little circles at the edge of a drawing- to stay in the lines. I remember her picking lice out of mine and my cousins hair, past bedtime, when it broke out in our schools, and it being fun. I remember her taking us for walks down the hill to pick raspberries, always teaching along the way. She is a woman who brought change to her lineage....
Thursday, March 8, 2012
expecting fruit
I love that God gives gives us promises. He is not a liar. He will finish what He begins. I love that God whispers encouragements. This are no coincidences. I love that in retrospect we see that He was dropping us hints along the way. God is so good. He uses everything. For our good. For His glory.
I am keeping a journal this year. I will record what God has done. What God is doing. I am overwhelmed with excitement. This is no little girl's journal. It is full of life. Not just hope but hope fulfilled. God has begun a good work. It started way back. Last year was a year of stripping. This year is a year of change, of rebuilding. I plan to write it down. It will be a heritage for my children, lest we forget what the LORD has done. I am learning patience as I see the fruit ripening and the seasons changing. In the end it will be clear. The LORD that knows me is in charge and is bringing restoration. It is not all about balancing anymore. It is about letting go and leaning into Him. He hems me in before me and behind me. And He is good.
I am keeping a journal this year. I will record what God has done. What God is doing. I am overwhelmed with excitement. This is no little girl's journal. It is full of life. Not just hope but hope fulfilled. God has begun a good work. It started way back. Last year was a year of stripping. This year is a year of change, of rebuilding. I plan to write it down. It will be a heritage for my children, lest we forget what the LORD has done. I am learning patience as I see the fruit ripening and the seasons changing. In the end it will be clear. The LORD that knows me is in charge and is bringing restoration. It is not all about balancing anymore. It is about letting go and leaning into Him. He hems me in before me and behind me. And He is good.
my heart is full for friends
PSALM 127:1-5
Unless the LORD builds the house, it's builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand on guard in vain.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for he grants sleep to those he loves.
Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children are a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are son's born in one's youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Monday, March 5, 2012
jumble
I feel like I am mourning at this very moment. Like I am watching someone slip away from life and I can't stop it. They are in fact living but not to the fullness of who they are..... who they could be. In our mom's study this morning Beth Moore talked about her husband's trials in life and what how he had wondered, "what he could have been." It made my soul hurt when I think of those same thoughts. For me. For some others I love. But that is the inbetween. What her husband is, what I can be, what they can be, through what we know and experience, is so much greater. Huge. I am then overwhelmed in a good way. I can gather all theses trials and in retrospect point someone to God. My healer, my redeemer, my counsellor. There is no longer despair but joy. Tears of joy from the inside. I am better now. I am returning to me I find, but aged. Aged towards perfection. I don't just know with my mind, but with my soul. Where I once wanted to just lay down and wait for the end, I want to strive beyond these things and be used of God through them. I have nothing of my dreams. Nothing. Well, maybe in a sense I have it all but it wasn't all dreamy. First it was extremely painful. No wedding. First baby dead. I have so much to offer now in this. I am not all words. I know truth. I know the only one who redeems. I've known Him forever, but he's known me longer. Prepared for me. Prepared for you.
I don't know what's going on right now but something is. I think that God is preparing something. I've been waiting for my good friend to have her third babe and as I was making a gift, I found myself mourning for my lost daughter. I am so sad for my baby girl at the moment. I see her little face and curly hair often in my mind. I have mourned MacCrea so fully as his birth/death was traumatic but my girl was not as devastating in body. My heart is hurting for her right now. I want to give Gemma a sister but I know it will not replace my Ariel or make it better. I had a dream of a little girl with big eyes like her daddy and dark curly hair and she was that. My Gemma is beautiful and fair. She is completely different and so much like her momma was when I was young. I hate when these patches of grief swell to the surface. I feel though that God is birthing something new in my family and it is not how it looked before. It may not ever be another child.
Something is stirring within me. I feel like expectancy has turned to waiting. I feel affected by things around me. I don't want to go back in. I am not turning back. I will remain faithful. I will choose Him back. I need to go pray. I hate the times when I feel so responsible. The thoughts of "if I could only do something" surface. There are those people in our lives that make us feel that way though. Like dragging them with you. It is sad to see someone with potential, someone that you love, giving up.
Ugh. This post is all over the place. It is about friends blinded, it is about waiting. It is about this week and this day. It is about feeling heavy over things that I cannot change. It is about knowing that GOD is mighty and will change it all.... if you let Him. It is your choice. Your free will. Why did you come here? What do you want the end to be? My life is much fuller than it would have been. There is loss but so much more gained. My God is gentle in His dealing. He disciplines but he loves. He has not dealt harshly with me. I am so thankful for that. And just when I think that He is done (what a thought, what am I 90?), he brings about something new. I will continue waiting. It is not the end. The story continues....
I don't know what's going on right now but something is. I think that God is preparing something. I've been waiting for my good friend to have her third babe and as I was making a gift, I found myself mourning for my lost daughter. I am so sad for my baby girl at the moment. I see her little face and curly hair often in my mind. I have mourned MacCrea so fully as his birth/death was traumatic but my girl was not as devastating in body. My heart is hurting for her right now. I want to give Gemma a sister but I know it will not replace my Ariel or make it better. I had a dream of a little girl with big eyes like her daddy and dark curly hair and she was that. My Gemma is beautiful and fair. She is completely different and so much like her momma was when I was young. I hate when these patches of grief swell to the surface. I feel though that God is birthing something new in my family and it is not how it looked before. It may not ever be another child.
Something is stirring within me. I feel like expectancy has turned to waiting. I feel affected by things around me. I don't want to go back in. I am not turning back. I will remain faithful. I will choose Him back. I need to go pray. I hate the times when I feel so responsible. The thoughts of "if I could only do something" surface. There are those people in our lives that make us feel that way though. Like dragging them with you. It is sad to see someone with potential, someone that you love, giving up.
Ugh. This post is all over the place. It is about friends blinded, it is about waiting. It is about this week and this day. It is about feeling heavy over things that I cannot change. It is about knowing that GOD is mighty and will change it all.... if you let Him. It is your choice. Your free will. Why did you come here? What do you want the end to be? My life is much fuller than it would have been. There is loss but so much more gained. My God is gentle in His dealing. He disciplines but he loves. He has not dealt harshly with me. I am so thankful for that. And just when I think that He is done (what a thought, what am I 90?), he brings about something new. I will continue waiting. It is not the end. The story continues....
Sunday, February 19, 2012
A Family Treasure.
I just got a new-to-me desk. I was setting up my computer. I was reorganizing as I am preparing myself for a huge change. A change to homeschool my children, starting with my Aiden. I had also had gotten an old desk from a friend, for him. I cleaned the desk- mine. Garry set up my wiring for me and I started to put papers, inks, and cords away, happy to have my space back. I had put the small leather bible that I was using in my purse. It used to be here to serve for my writing. On my bookshelf in another room, I have a few other bibles and I decided it was time to use one that I never have but is brand new. It is a gorgeous Women of Faith Study Bible. The kind of Bible that I love. One with the paper edged to weigh it down and make it easier to flip through, New International Version that corresponds with my understanding and knowledge. It is a bible that I put away on purpose. It was a gift for my 25th birthday- Christmastime 2005. I am now thirty-one. I haven't used it. I thought it was time to pull it out. Now, I think that GOD had the idea first.... The inscription is made up of verses and encouragement from many generations of my mothers side, who are of Christian heritage. My Great Grandmother (who is now home in Heaven), my Grandpa and Grandma Campbell, my Aunty Sandy, who has always been a huge part of my life, and my Mother and Father, all wrote across the first two pages.
I had asked for this Bible. I wanted a new one. A fresh, empty one, free of writing. I was annoyed that this came with writing already. I was hurt when I read the verses and felt like they were all reprimand. I was pregnant with Aiden at the time. We had planned to start having kids but were only engaged. Garry was not ready to get married and I was tired of my dreams falling apart beyond my control. I had already chosen him and he had chosen me. I wanted to see my biggest plan of being a mother happen. At this point I had lost MacCrea too. What could I do when I was pregnant and my husband did not want to get married yet? Seriously. I had though, already begun to change.
Pulling out this bible now was no coincidence. I thought I should re-read the verses, knowing that they would no longer be offensive. What I did not expect was to laugh out loud and then tear up. The verses are all made up of scripture that I have seen in my Breaking Free, by Beth Moore, bible study which I am into with my mom's group. The verses and encouragement that my mom wrote, well, I must write it word for word. It is insightful to say the least:
My dearest daughter Tara, I know you will appreciate these thoughts and samples of your family's handwriting. On your 25th birthday you are grown up and a wonderful woman. You understood generational issues at a very young age and as an adult, family history becomes clearer. Bless you and your future- I love you so much, mom, xxo Deuteronomy 7:9, Luke 1:50, Psalms 78:3,4,6&7; 102:18;112:2. (If you are reading this, you should look these up.) If you don't know, part of our study is dealing with generational bondage at this very moment.
My Aunt had written a verse that I had already planned to be on the wall of my schoolroom, and wrote in my journal this afternoon: Proverbs 22:6~ Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. And this one too, I love~ Deuteronomy 6:4-12. I am tired tonight or I would write them all out. You'll have to look them up if you want to know why I was in tears.
I am humbled again. Or should I say still. My GOD, who knows me, is doing a good work. I will treasure this bible now. It is so meaningful. It has promises and prayers from three generations before me, and I plan to carry them on, for a thousand generations forward. Thank you family. Thank you Redeemer GOD.
I had asked for this Bible. I wanted a new one. A fresh, empty one, free of writing. I was annoyed that this came with writing already. I was hurt when I read the verses and felt like they were all reprimand. I was pregnant with Aiden at the time. We had planned to start having kids but were only engaged. Garry was not ready to get married and I was tired of my dreams falling apart beyond my control. I had already chosen him and he had chosen me. I wanted to see my biggest plan of being a mother happen. At this point I had lost MacCrea too. What could I do when I was pregnant and my husband did not want to get married yet? Seriously. I had though, already begun to change.
Pulling out this bible now was no coincidence. I thought I should re-read the verses, knowing that they would no longer be offensive. What I did not expect was to laugh out loud and then tear up. The verses are all made up of scripture that I have seen in my Breaking Free, by Beth Moore, bible study which I am into with my mom's group. The verses and encouragement that my mom wrote, well, I must write it word for word. It is insightful to say the least:
My dearest daughter Tara, I know you will appreciate these thoughts and samples of your family's handwriting. On your 25th birthday you are grown up and a wonderful woman. You understood generational issues at a very young age and as an adult, family history becomes clearer. Bless you and your future- I love you so much, mom, xxo Deuteronomy 7:9, Luke 1:50, Psalms 78:3,4,6&7; 102:18;112:2. (If you are reading this, you should look these up.) If you don't know, part of our study is dealing with generational bondage at this very moment.
My Aunt had written a verse that I had already planned to be on the wall of my schoolroom, and wrote in my journal this afternoon: Proverbs 22:6~ Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. And this one too, I love~ Deuteronomy 6:4-12. I am tired tonight or I would write them all out. You'll have to look them up if you want to know why I was in tears.
I am humbled again. Or should I say still. My GOD, who knows me, is doing a good work. I will treasure this bible now. It is so meaningful. It has promises and prayers from three generations before me, and I plan to carry them on, for a thousand generations forward. Thank you family. Thank you Redeemer GOD.
Friday, February 17, 2012
An adventure.
I've been walking through thick brush for awhile. It is daylight though so it feels hard but there is a knowing that even when I can only see just in front of me, I can still see. It is different than walking in the dark. There is still a tendency to cry out, "LORD, where am I going? How did I get here? What are you doing?" But in that last cry there is expectancy and hope, knowing my God, who redeems and then uses the spoils to grow fruit. To fertilize truth.
On this weeded road filled with overgrowth, there is a visible path. Someone or many even, have treaded through. Straight through. Beating down the brush with their determination. Not letting the denseness of life overtake but trusting that the path is good. All of a sudden God bends back the branches in front of me. The ones that showed a certain path. And He reveals a different one. A better one. I can feel his smirk above me. A loving one, as he is near, leading me in this turn. You see, He is taller. He could see what was coming and he held it in, knowing I needed to trust Him. I wasn't ready to see it all. I still don't see it all, but with each bending back of obstructions, and with each trampling down of weeds and overgrowth, there is a new way. A way that leads to newness, freedom, generational blessing. I am so excited. What an adventure.
On this weeded road filled with overgrowth, there is a visible path. Someone or many even, have treaded through. Straight through. Beating down the brush with their determination. Not letting the denseness of life overtake but trusting that the path is good. All of a sudden God bends back the branches in front of me. The ones that showed a certain path. And He reveals a different one. A better one. I can feel his smirk above me. A loving one, as he is near, leading me in this turn. You see, He is taller. He could see what was coming and he held it in, knowing I needed to trust Him. I wasn't ready to see it all. I still don't see it all, but with each bending back of obstructions, and with each trampling down of weeds and overgrowth, there is a new way. A way that leads to newness, freedom, generational blessing. I am so excited. What an adventure.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
rebuilding
It seems to me that this day of bible study homework should have been ravishing to my soul. (Dramatic, I know, but I am making a point.) It wasn't. I have been there. I have experienced those things. I have experienced the sin that follows years of a bothered mind and tainted childhood. But now there was no shame or agony. I could think of reasons why there should be, but it is gone. I hope and think that this is a testimony that I have been healed of these things. When it no longer rocks your existence. When it no longer shouts out that you are that evil and stuck with it forever. I am better in this area. I am seeing myself as free. And thanks to a talk with a friend yesterday, the tail end of it all is breaking off too. The remnants of destruction.
I told my husband the other day that this year was going to be good. Last year was a year of stripping off and this would be a year of change. "A rebuilding," he said. It made me laugh and then made me want to cry. He didn't even know that this was the theme of our study. The theme of this year. Was he looking over my shoulder as I read the words that came from this verse: They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. ~Isaiah 61:4. And this was confirmed again as my friend sent me a book about homeschooling of which the first page had this very verse. She didn't know either.
What did make me come to tears was the last part of our study. A pre-written prayer. A testament that you put yourself in. A promise that God gives to all of us.... I have a plan for you..... Let me perfect you. It seems to me that all the dreams that I have had, the plans made in my youth, did not turn out. But it is occurring in my heart, that He has a greater plan. More than I could have imagined. That's why He is God. We cannot even fathom his thoughts, his good plans towards us. Us. Me, even. I could have wound up a Christian wife, still bound in my pain, struggling with a man still bound in his, and living a mundane life. I have never believed in living a mundane or "just because" life. I have always thought that God has a purpose for us and that we don't have to settle for the ordinary. We can be extraordinary people. Somehow I had believed that it was too late and I would just have to carry on from here. But God had bigger plans. I will get to be whole. I will not have to settle or sit in my consequence. It was all in the plan. The life that I live now causes me to strive harder because I have to hold up my end. It causes me to see more of the other side because I am surrounded by it in so many ways. It makes my choices that much more important because they have purpose. I won't get stuck (hopefully ever) in the same old. I choose to be changed and be a catalyst for generations to come. In my weakness He is strong. I am so thankful for that. Romans 8:1,2~ Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
I told my husband the other day that this year was going to be good. Last year was a year of stripping off and this would be a year of change. "A rebuilding," he said. It made me laugh and then made me want to cry. He didn't even know that this was the theme of our study. The theme of this year. Was he looking over my shoulder as I read the words that came from this verse: They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. ~Isaiah 61:4. And this was confirmed again as my friend sent me a book about homeschooling of which the first page had this very verse. She didn't know either.
What did make me come to tears was the last part of our study. A pre-written prayer. A testament that you put yourself in. A promise that God gives to all of us.... I have a plan for you..... Let me perfect you. It seems to me that all the dreams that I have had, the plans made in my youth, did not turn out. But it is occurring in my heart, that He has a greater plan. More than I could have imagined. That's why He is God. We cannot even fathom his thoughts, his good plans towards us. Us. Me, even. I could have wound up a Christian wife, still bound in my pain, struggling with a man still bound in his, and living a mundane life. I have never believed in living a mundane or "just because" life. I have always thought that God has a purpose for us and that we don't have to settle for the ordinary. We can be extraordinary people. Somehow I had believed that it was too late and I would just have to carry on from here. But God had bigger plans. I will get to be whole. I will not have to settle or sit in my consequence. It was all in the plan. The life that I live now causes me to strive harder because I have to hold up my end. It causes me to see more of the other side because I am surrounded by it in so many ways. It makes my choices that much more important because they have purpose. I won't get stuck (hopefully ever) in the same old. I choose to be changed and be a catalyst for generations to come. In my weakness He is strong. I am so thankful for that. Romans 8:1,2~ Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Letting go. (Redeemer and Chief.)
I'm falling, I'm falling.... WAIT, I'm flying. Letting go is not about giving up, it is about giving up control over to God. Relinquishing all fear. Letting the leader of the home, be the leader of the home, and realizing that God is over him as well, even if he doesn't believe so. The same old truth that just because someone doesn't believe, doesn't make the truth change. Truth is truth. God is above. High above. Not even close to anything that disregards or is in opposition to Him as LORD.
First: 1 Corinthians 7:14~ For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
Second: 1 Peter 3:1-6~ Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the reverence and purity of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
....reverence and purity..... the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.... do what is right and do not give way to fear....
I have been asking for a restored gentle spirit, a sereneness. Wondering when I became so angry. Here are my answers and my how to. And why does it say do not give way to fear? My answer for that came to me this morning. Fear causes distrust; distrust makes one take over leadership, and that leads to not trusting God as well. In an inability to control, I get angry. And then I feel like everything is resting on my shoulders.... but I put it there. It is a vicious cycle. My husband has been showing me favor, the more that I let him be leader. GOD has been giving me favor. I searched more into this on blueletterbible.org (an amazing resource), and the "master" part translated is in one part meaning Chief. I'll take that one- my husband is Chief of the family- he has the power of deciding.
And it is no coincidence that this verse also talks about being a daughter of Sarah. We are the seeds of Abraham, co-heirs with Christ, the daughters of Sarah. (And this partly came out of my Beth Moore, Breaking Free homework, and Galatians 3:26-29.)
So, in all this, I will not remain stuck by my choices but will continue to hold up my part of the bargain, which is to do as God has asked and follow him. My leader, redeemer.
First: 1 Corinthians 7:14~ For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
Second: 1 Peter 3:1-6~ Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the reverence and purity of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
....reverence and purity..... the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.... do what is right and do not give way to fear....
I have been asking for a restored gentle spirit, a sereneness. Wondering when I became so angry. Here are my answers and my how to. And why does it say do not give way to fear? My answer for that came to me this morning. Fear causes distrust; distrust makes one take over leadership, and that leads to not trusting God as well. In an inability to control, I get angry. And then I feel like everything is resting on my shoulders.... but I put it there. It is a vicious cycle. My husband has been showing me favor, the more that I let him be leader. GOD has been giving me favor. I searched more into this on blueletterbible.org (an amazing resource), and the "master" part translated is in one part meaning Chief. I'll take that one- my husband is Chief of the family- he has the power of deciding.
And it is no coincidence that this verse also talks about being a daughter of Sarah. We are the seeds of Abraham, co-heirs with Christ, the daughters of Sarah. (And this partly came out of my Beth Moore, Breaking Free homework, and Galatians 3:26-29.)
So, in all this, I will not remain stuck by my choices but will continue to hold up my part of the bargain, which is to do as God has asked and follow him. My leader, redeemer.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
A small world.
I am feeling a bit chaotic at the moment. Perhaps overwhelmed by the inklings of enormous change that are happening all around me and even in me. I am blown away at what God can use and how he can wind people in and out of ours lives. It also brings in me a caution of things that I do and say. I have been asking God for this though and welcome it. I want to have a firm view on how to speak wisely about people. I often do not do a good job at this. Anger has me venting in frustration sometimes. Sometimes it is for good purpose, I mean well, but I overstep and ignore the caution that I feel inside.
This also brings me to think about situations in me that I didn't deal with and think that it is too late to do so. We somehow think time or distance can make things go away, or get better, but there is always potential for a piece to weave it's way back to you. I am grateful in this that I know a merciful God. He is continually working all things for the good. He is not done with me yet. I will choose not to forget where he has brought me and therefore foolishly think I have found a plateau of perfection.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23.
This also brings me to think about situations in me that I didn't deal with and think that it is too late to do so. We somehow think time or distance can make things go away, or get better, but there is always potential for a piece to weave it's way back to you. I am grateful in this that I know a merciful God. He is continually working all things for the good. He is not done with me yet. I will choose not to forget where he has brought me and therefore foolishly think I have found a plateau of perfection.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A world of change.
I think I am in. We are in. I am beyond excited these last few days, as a plan (prepared by God I'm sure of this) has formed to homeschool my children. I have never wanted to shelter my children but now I see it differently. I want to guard their little hearts and minds, and not just at home.
School isn't like it was for us. I have formed my opinions of school (and homeschool) on how it was for us as kids. It is no longer that way. The older kids are now given free reign- no consequences. The younger ones are taking the brunt of the discipline in order to try and dissuade them from following the example of the older ones. I think it is all backwards. The ones too little to understand in full are receiving harsh punishments. They aren't allowed to be boys. They aren't allowed to wrestle, to crash blocks and build them back up, and of course toy guns are evil. It isn't a "there's a place and time" issue. They are given no place and no time for how boys naturally play.
I have always known I would disagree with certain sciences and moral beliefs but the amount of other issues being brought up that displease me, has brought me to a place of knowing that I can't let someone else have the job of instructing my kids anymore. I want them to excel and I also want them to be kindhearted people. I like the thought that discipline is a discipling, a teaching, an instructing of ways. I have been guilty of getting away from this lately, but by the grace of God, I will get back to this. I want to encourage my kids in the right ways. I think homeschooling will as well bring back that intimate attention that kids so seek. That my son especially, as he is the one school age right now, will feel confident in knowing mom cares enough to take time with him and cheer him on.
I have had these thoughts of who I would like to have been and how that would not be because of my choices, but I see that as a lie now. I can strive for what I can't see. A year, month, even a week ago, I would not have thought that I could be a homeschool mom. I have quite a few months to prepare and as I look back in retrospect, I see God has been preparing me, even ten years back.
So, this post is a bit of a mess as I am busy today and have been back and forth trying to get this all out, but I conclude that what is coming is good. I am excited beyond words and my husband has given me the go ahead. I can't wait to see what this year brings- and it is only January.
GOD, you have bent my mind. I am overwhelmed. By your mercy. By your goodness. By the fact that you are not equal to anything but above all, and not a little above, beyond measure. Why do I try to understand and process things to my liking when your purpose will prevail? You will plan out things better than I could ever imagine, as you have before. I pray that this continues on in your way and isn't blunted by anything opposing. Prepare my home, my family, my mind, for this will not be an easy task to take on. However, it will be a rewarding one. Full of firstfruits. Full of joy. Mahal na mahal.
School isn't like it was for us. I have formed my opinions of school (and homeschool) on how it was for us as kids. It is no longer that way. The older kids are now given free reign- no consequences. The younger ones are taking the brunt of the discipline in order to try and dissuade them from following the example of the older ones. I think it is all backwards. The ones too little to understand in full are receiving harsh punishments. They aren't allowed to be boys. They aren't allowed to wrestle, to crash blocks and build them back up, and of course toy guns are evil. It isn't a "there's a place and time" issue. They are given no place and no time for how boys naturally play.
I have always known I would disagree with certain sciences and moral beliefs but the amount of other issues being brought up that displease me, has brought me to a place of knowing that I can't let someone else have the job of instructing my kids anymore. I want them to excel and I also want them to be kindhearted people. I like the thought that discipline is a discipling, a teaching, an instructing of ways. I have been guilty of getting away from this lately, but by the grace of God, I will get back to this. I want to encourage my kids in the right ways. I think homeschooling will as well bring back that intimate attention that kids so seek. That my son especially, as he is the one school age right now, will feel confident in knowing mom cares enough to take time with him and cheer him on.
I have had these thoughts of who I would like to have been and how that would not be because of my choices, but I see that as a lie now. I can strive for what I can't see. A year, month, even a week ago, I would not have thought that I could be a homeschool mom. I have quite a few months to prepare and as I look back in retrospect, I see God has been preparing me, even ten years back.
So, this post is a bit of a mess as I am busy today and have been back and forth trying to get this all out, but I conclude that what is coming is good. I am excited beyond words and my husband has given me the go ahead. I can't wait to see what this year brings- and it is only January.
GOD, you have bent my mind. I am overwhelmed. By your mercy. By your goodness. By the fact that you are not equal to anything but above all, and not a little above, beyond measure. Why do I try to understand and process things to my liking when your purpose will prevail? You will plan out things better than I could ever imagine, as you have before. I pray that this continues on in your way and isn't blunted by anything opposing. Prepare my home, my family, my mind, for this will not be an easy task to take on. However, it will be a rewarding one. Full of firstfruits. Full of joy. Mahal na mahal.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Thanks Max.
This morning the daily Max Lucado blog devotion talked about 1 John 4:18~ Perfect love cast out all fear.... There is no fear in love.
What a thought. What a truth. It made me think of when I was a kid and had no fear because my dad or mom were there. And it made me think of now when my husband is on night shift and my child is sick. It makes me want him home. That if he was there I would be less afraid and he could take care of things when I can't anymore. Isn't is funny though, that the actual fact that he is home doesn't change a thing. My son is still sick. He can't do any more than I can. But he can love. Somehow knowing he is there with love, makes it all safe. It lets me breathe a little deeper. How much more than that to know God is for us, there in his love always. If I could just make that thought resonate through my soul, I would be fine.... just fine.
What a thought. What a truth. It made me think of when I was a kid and had no fear because my dad or mom were there. And it made me think of now when my husband is on night shift and my child is sick. It makes me want him home. That if he was there I would be less afraid and he could take care of things when I can't anymore. Isn't is funny though, that the actual fact that he is home doesn't change a thing. My son is still sick. He can't do any more than I can. But he can love. Somehow knowing he is there with love, makes it all safe. It lets me breathe a little deeper. How much more than that to know God is for us, there in his love always. If I could just make that thought resonate through my soul, I would be fine.... just fine.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
To be or not to be.
To live in the world but not of the world.... To raise a child up in the way he should go and when he is old he will not flee from it. I am torn. Again. I need to pray into this I think, I know rather. Pondering this in my own thoughts is not helping.
I never desired to homeschool my children, knowing that when a person has to be an example and has something to stand for, they will. I did. I was glad to be a Christian. I stood for something.
On the other side, there is so much that is tainted in the school system now. An imbalance of discipline. A twisted learning. I have been glad to have teachable moments for my son, but how much of the things that I don't catch/see will rub off on him and leave imprints. Ugh. I know where this is going but it circles back a bit every time too.
It reminds me of the study I did this morning. The King walked in the way of the LORD but did not remove the idol places, and so the people did not change. I feel a need and I think it is important, to be the first word in a child's learning. That God's word is the first word. That His truth abides. I also don't want to raise a child who is so overprotected that when he is sent out into the world later on, he is shocked, does not know how to make decisions because he hasn't been faced with any evils, and therefore is torn down to dust. It's a live and learn, make mistakes and be refined situation. This all is complicated.
In the study that I did before this one, I stopped watching television for awhile (a fast of sorts, a refocusing). I am now not wanting to watch much at all. I never used to. I hate that all this "it's only pretend" thinking lets anything into our minds, our thoughts, and chips away at our discernment. I am now taking on thoughts that this "fifteen minutes with God is all you need society" is damaging us. I do not have a problem with prayer and being prayerful throughout the day, but my study of the LIVING word of God is short. I get alot out of it but the balance of what is influencing me of God, and what is influencing me of things that are contrary to God's word, is balancing on the side of evil. I feel the need for my input of Godly concepts and thoughts to weigh greater than my intake of worldly things. Is this an outrageous thought? I think not. It is very overwhelming though. How can I keep my head above water? How can I be set apart when our culture is so strong in what is contrary to what I believe? And, I don't want to be just barely above. I want to walking in faith, on the water. It's no wonder that it only takes one storm for me to feel like I am drowning. It makes me wonder what the society was like in Sodom and Gomorrah. Is our society one step away from that? Do our children even have a chance? I want them to have a chance. I want them to always know God. I want them to know the truth because the truth is part of their life and not just a story. (Sigh.) This is where I start to joke about living commune style where we have fresh vegetables and are not only set apart from the world but oblivious to it;)
Anyways, I don't know the answer, and I was hoping that it would become clear in writing this all out, but it still is not. Prayer, word searching, gathering of options. Here we go....
I never desired to homeschool my children, knowing that when a person has to be an example and has something to stand for, they will. I did. I was glad to be a Christian. I stood for something.
On the other side, there is so much that is tainted in the school system now. An imbalance of discipline. A twisted learning. I have been glad to have teachable moments for my son, but how much of the things that I don't catch/see will rub off on him and leave imprints. Ugh. I know where this is going but it circles back a bit every time too.
It reminds me of the study I did this morning. The King walked in the way of the LORD but did not remove the idol places, and so the people did not change. I feel a need and I think it is important, to be the first word in a child's learning. That God's word is the first word. That His truth abides. I also don't want to raise a child who is so overprotected that when he is sent out into the world later on, he is shocked, does not know how to make decisions because he hasn't been faced with any evils, and therefore is torn down to dust. It's a live and learn, make mistakes and be refined situation. This all is complicated.
In the study that I did before this one, I stopped watching television for awhile (a fast of sorts, a refocusing). I am now not wanting to watch much at all. I never used to. I hate that all this "it's only pretend" thinking lets anything into our minds, our thoughts, and chips away at our discernment. I am now taking on thoughts that this "fifteen minutes with God is all you need society" is damaging us. I do not have a problem with prayer and being prayerful throughout the day, but my study of the LIVING word of God is short. I get alot out of it but the balance of what is influencing me of God, and what is influencing me of things that are contrary to God's word, is balancing on the side of evil. I feel the need for my input of Godly concepts and thoughts to weigh greater than my intake of worldly things. Is this an outrageous thought? I think not. It is very overwhelming though. How can I keep my head above water? How can I be set apart when our culture is so strong in what is contrary to what I believe? And, I don't want to be just barely above. I want to walking in faith, on the water. It's no wonder that it only takes one storm for me to feel like I am drowning. It makes me wonder what the society was like in Sodom and Gomorrah. Is our society one step away from that? Do our children even have a chance? I want them to have a chance. I want them to always know God. I want them to know the truth because the truth is part of their life and not just a story. (Sigh.) This is where I start to joke about living commune style where we have fresh vegetables and are not only set apart from the world but oblivious to it;)
Anyways, I don't know the answer, and I was hoping that it would become clear in writing this all out, but it still is not. Prayer, word searching, gathering of options. Here we go....
Monday, January 16, 2012
Gathering bits.
God is gathering the bits together for me, for this year. I have been preparing for a huge change. It has begun early, or just in time, as I was thinking that I need it sooner than I had to wait. I had a dream awhile ago (I had talked about this already a bit). This dream was about anger and being in rage to be heard. Yikes, those words coming out, are coming straight from a hurt that runs deep. Last night, I sat beside my son's bed, almost in darkness except a faint night light, my presence letting him know he was fine and could sleep. I sat there an hour and started to think of when I was young and how scared I was to sleep. How I turned off the light with anything that could reach the switch from my bed. I often just slept with the light on in that basement room. I had been talking about this while ago and my mother was there. She had voiced that this fact was horrible, or something along the lines of that. It makes me wonder, and I do probably know, why I never said anything. Then my mind wandered to a parallel situation, when I got my first apartment. It was on the basement floor. Hmm, that is even more parallel. I used to sit in the window of this terrible place. I would sit and smoke a cigar as the smell of the tobacco was soothing (a habit that I picked up in Ywam, and is a whole other story). A man used to watch me from up in an apartment building across the road. It was a bad place to live. I had just thought it would be great to have my own place and for cheap rent. I worked afternoons and came home late and would get my keys ready so I could run to the door. Once two guys were fighting in the hallway and I could hear them yelling about being friends in prison. People in this place would party all night. I slept with the light on. The RCMP came one morning and buzzed my apartment to let them in and I did. I could hear them banging on a door across the hall and no one answered, even though they said they knew he was there. Finally the cops left and the man did come out then, screaming about who had let them in. Fearful place. Lights on.
This is the place where my downfall began. The apartment. Or so I thought. But when I look a little further, I think, "I didn't have a chance." Fear was bred in me.
But now this will change. God has been bringing up things to my mind in preparation for this year. I am coming with expectancy and I will not leave without a blessing. I might even dare to say that it will change everything. I pray that it will change everything and more.
This is the place where my downfall began. The apartment. Or so I thought. But when I look a little further, I think, "I didn't have a chance." Fear was bred in me.
But now this will change. God has been bringing up things to my mind in preparation for this year. I am coming with expectancy and I will not leave without a blessing. I might even dare to say that it will change everything. I pray that it will change everything and more.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Sunday sermon.
My Pastor talked today about man being made in God's own image and man being God's crowning glory. (Psalm 8.) That we are supposed to reveal God's righteousness for all to see Him in us. He talked about how God looked at the man that he had created in his own image (Adam), and said it was very good. (Genesis 1:27-31.)
I thought about these two concepts intertwined as he spoke, it made me think about when my son Aiden was born. I used to call him "daddylips." When he was born, we looked at him and tried to see in him all the things that were reflected from us and our family. I could see God looking into the eyes of Adam and saying, "You have my goodness son, my mercy, my kindness. You are gentle like your Dad. You will grow in wisdom. I am so pleased when I think of what you have inherited from me, it will bless you." Have you ever seen a picture taken at a hospital of a dad and his baby, fresh from the womb and all swaddled up? If you have, they are all the same. The father's eyes are fixed on the newborn with a gaze of love, pride, awe....
And then the Pastor talked about how our righteousness is like filthy rags.(Isaiah 64:6.) I could then see a picture in my mind, and this one stayed a long while enfolding, of a bunch of cloth that looked like it had been in a mechanics shop. Soiled and bundled, in knots. This is like how it is when we try to take care of our own righteousness. When we try to keep being good enough. We take a clean, white cotton rag and wipe off the dirt. We carry on. We make another mistake. We wipe some more. We tuck in the rag and fold it over, trying to find a clean edge. We fall hard. We pick ourselves up and wipe again. Soon there is no clean part of that rag left and if we keep wiping, we just make the smudge worse. We need renewing. If God is our righteousness (1 John 1:9), then he purifies us. We can stop wiping and just be clean.
Sometimes I wish I could paint so I could show you this picture. It`s like an oil painting. Anyways, I just wanted to share that pic. It made the verses come out in a new way to me. I am glad that God`s mercies to us are new every morning, that God is continuing to renew our minds and hearts in Christ Jesus, and most of all, that he will finish unto completion, what he has set out to do in us.
I thought about these two concepts intertwined as he spoke, it made me think about when my son Aiden was born. I used to call him "daddylips." When he was born, we looked at him and tried to see in him all the things that were reflected from us and our family. I could see God looking into the eyes of Adam and saying, "You have my goodness son, my mercy, my kindness. You are gentle like your Dad. You will grow in wisdom. I am so pleased when I think of what you have inherited from me, it will bless you." Have you ever seen a picture taken at a hospital of a dad and his baby, fresh from the womb and all swaddled up? If you have, they are all the same. The father's eyes are fixed on the newborn with a gaze of love, pride, awe....
And then the Pastor talked about how our righteousness is like filthy rags.(Isaiah 64:6.) I could then see a picture in my mind, and this one stayed a long while enfolding, of a bunch of cloth that looked like it had been in a mechanics shop. Soiled and bundled, in knots. This is like how it is when we try to take care of our own righteousness. When we try to keep being good enough. We take a clean, white cotton rag and wipe off the dirt. We carry on. We make another mistake. We wipe some more. We tuck in the rag and fold it over, trying to find a clean edge. We fall hard. We pick ourselves up and wipe again. Soon there is no clean part of that rag left and if we keep wiping, we just make the smudge worse. We need renewing. If God is our righteousness (1 John 1:9), then he purifies us. We can stop wiping and just be clean.
Sometimes I wish I could paint so I could show you this picture. It`s like an oil painting. Anyways, I just wanted to share that pic. It made the verses come out in a new way to me. I am glad that God`s mercies to us are new every morning, that God is continuing to renew our minds and hearts in Christ Jesus, and most of all, that he will finish unto completion, what he has set out to do in us.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Still human.
I am really struggling with this whole broken body thing. My insides are screaming. They hurt so bad right now. Actually, I think part is the body pain and part is the mind pain. I wish I could overcome this problem. I still have hope that I will but right now I feel downhearted. This last week has been hard. I pushed on in my physio and had so much hope but I am feeling torn down. My body aches so bad. I wake up feeling nauseous in the night. I just want to crawl back into bed as we speak and stay there until the pain goes away. I don`t know whether or not to carry on or wait. I want to go to the doctor and make sure everything is all right but they never know. They send me around. I leave feeling it is all up to me again. I feel like I have to decipher if it is fear or pain sending me in before I ever go.... this can last awhile, the trying to discern what it true and what people will think and if I can handle another doctor`s appointment. I hate doctor`s appointments.
I don`t know how I can be doing so good and doing so bad at the same time, but I think it has something to do with a healthier soul, frail body. I also have a thought that my body being torn and bruised in the places that hold in my babes, is a direct result of losing two of them, and of baring the stress of waiting, wondering if the next will make it to birth. No one else has broken baby parts. I think mine are a reflection of what has happened. Then I miss MacCrea, and think of Ariel`s dark curls framing her face. That will always be there. And I long for Heaven. And I long for more purpose driven life on earth....
I don`t know how I can be doing so good and doing so bad at the same time, but I think it has something to do with a healthier soul, frail body. I also have a thought that my body being torn and bruised in the places that hold in my babes, is a direct result of losing two of them, and of baring the stress of waiting, wondering if the next will make it to birth. No one else has broken baby parts. I think mine are a reflection of what has happened. Then I miss MacCrea, and think of Ariel`s dark curls framing her face. That will always be there. And I long for Heaven. And I long for more purpose driven life on earth....
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A need is a seed.
I went to physio today. I had my appointment. My rear end hurts to prove it. (Sorry, but it is true.) I wanted to stay and read for a bit, while waiting for my husband to pick me up. I have been immersed in a good read by Francine Rivers. However, I saw my van waiting across the street. It ended up being someone else's van, as blue van's are in excess, so I ducked into the Salvation Army Thrift Store. A friend and I used to go there with her mother when we were in highschool. We would find cool old men's cords to buy, cute college shirts, and woolly sweaters. I remember a brown collared t-shirt that I had bought with the name Rudy embroidered on it. Those were some good memories. I didn't see anything interesting today.
As I walked out, I saw the poor lady from last week. I chatted with her a bit and found out her full name. She was digging in the free bin. I went back into the store with her to look for some running shoes. She told me that she was bipolar and on medication. I told her that I understood that and it was hard. She agreed. She told me that her arches were fallen and she needed ankle support in her shoes. We found her some hiking boots, some new shoelaces, and she threw in some gloves. They told me she wasn't allowed in the store. She put down a rolled up cigarette on the counter. They thought it was drugs. I don't know why she was banned but I can imagine. Stealing.... throwing a fit.... who would care if you had nothing to lose.
We went outside and she smoked the cigarette as I said goodbye. I wonder if I will see Theresa again. I have a physio appointment in a few weeks. I would not be surprised if she just happened to show up along the road....
I thought more about her as I had lunch with my hubby and kids. As I rubbed Gemma's back I sent out a prayer that is common from my mouth, "God, let my children always know you." It made me sad to think that Theresa is someone's lost daughter. The workers didn't want to touch her, they said they wouldn't help her find shoes, they backed away when she tried to show them that her cigarette was just that, they wanted her out, and this was at a place meant to help people like her. I just wanted to hug her goodbye. We are all someone's lost daughter. And I am no Mother Theresa but for some reason, this lady keeps showing up in my path. I don't believe in coincidence. I wonder if there is a lesson to be learned or if this is just practical Christianity- see a need, fill a need.
I have been thinking about a sort-of mission statement for this year: Am I planting a seed or growing a weed? I want God to grow my faith this year. I don't want to let my tongue loose and grow anger or bitterness. I don't want to make a person look bad in someone else's eyes. I want to cherish my children, encourage my friends. I don't want to give up on hope for things that seem dreary in my life, and they do at least once a week. At least. I want to learn to count my blessings instead of adding up my pain (and this does not mean not mourning over things that are sad and should be mourned, or pretending everything is rosy). I want to share in firstfruits and wisdom. I don't want to glean off the floor. I want to glean from the hand of God and then share it. I want truth to be filling my days, more than unedifying sources. I am on a tangent but back to the basic story that is; I want to be ready to fill a need. Poor in spirit, poor in body. Filling a need is planting a seed. They will know you are His by your love. The end.
As I walked out, I saw the poor lady from last week. I chatted with her a bit and found out her full name. She was digging in the free bin. I went back into the store with her to look for some running shoes. She told me that she was bipolar and on medication. I told her that I understood that and it was hard. She agreed. She told me that her arches were fallen and she needed ankle support in her shoes. We found her some hiking boots, some new shoelaces, and she threw in some gloves. They told me she wasn't allowed in the store. She put down a rolled up cigarette on the counter. They thought it was drugs. I don't know why she was banned but I can imagine. Stealing.... throwing a fit.... who would care if you had nothing to lose.
We went outside and she smoked the cigarette as I said goodbye. I wonder if I will see Theresa again. I have a physio appointment in a few weeks. I would not be surprised if she just happened to show up along the road....
I thought more about her as I had lunch with my hubby and kids. As I rubbed Gemma's back I sent out a prayer that is common from my mouth, "God, let my children always know you." It made me sad to think that Theresa is someone's lost daughter. The workers didn't want to touch her, they said they wouldn't help her find shoes, they backed away when she tried to show them that her cigarette was just that, they wanted her out, and this was at a place meant to help people like her. I just wanted to hug her goodbye. We are all someone's lost daughter. And I am no Mother Theresa but for some reason, this lady keeps showing up in my path. I don't believe in coincidence. I wonder if there is a lesson to be learned or if this is just practical Christianity- see a need, fill a need.
I have been thinking about a sort-of mission statement for this year: Am I planting a seed or growing a weed? I want God to grow my faith this year. I don't want to let my tongue loose and grow anger or bitterness. I don't want to make a person look bad in someone else's eyes. I want to cherish my children, encourage my friends. I don't want to give up on hope for things that seem dreary in my life, and they do at least once a week. At least. I want to learn to count my blessings instead of adding up my pain (and this does not mean not mourning over things that are sad and should be mourned, or pretending everything is rosy). I want to share in firstfruits and wisdom. I don't want to glean off the floor. I want to glean from the hand of God and then share it. I want truth to be filling my days, more than unedifying sources. I am on a tangent but back to the basic story that is; I want to be ready to fill a need. Poor in spirit, poor in body. Filling a need is planting a seed. They will know you are His by your love. The end.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sometimes we need a little spur.
I am excited for tomorrow. For Monday. We have an amazing women's ministry at our church. I for one, would not like to ever take it for granted. In the morning we have a place in the church basement to lay down our momness for awhile and rest. A place to fellowship with women who understand children. A place where Grandmother's add to the love by watching over our blessings. A place where friends meet and uplift each other. I am grateful for this ministry.
Then at night I am now attending a bible study group. Same place, but there I get to fellowship with more women of different wisdoms. I love it. It is purposeful. It stretches me to use my grown-up brain for awhile. It is encouraging.
I am in need of these times. I love my children to no end. I often miss out on times to be ministered to. Or to participate. I want to go for prayer. I want to sing in worship. I want to hear a full sermon. I have been trying for weeks. All I hear are beautiful giggles, silly peekaboos, seeking-mommy-comfort cries. I love these things but there must be a time to receive. I feel like I am always giving. I want to be always giving. I need to be encouraged and just hugged for awhile too. We all do. I want to heal, grow, rest, so that I can be more for my kids. More for myself. More for God.
(And a side note to all who are in a relationship of different faiths, unequally yoked. Think on this. If I could hand my child to my husband for a moment, then I could be part of this all. He is supportive but I am held in a certain place because he is not there. And I knew this all but I was too hurt to care. If this is you, please think on future places. If you are fine to be held in one place, carry on. I would not change my husband but I sure would love to lay my blessings down so I could lay my burdens down once in awhile.)
Anyways, I have been fighting it seems the last few days. I am so expectant but there are circumstances that have been pushing against my faith. Alone, I would like to just stop fighting. If I stop moving then there is no pressure. But what would I gain to stand still? This is why there is such a need to keep meeting together. To encourage. To share of yourself and share in. To build faith. I can read my bible anywhere but where can I be built up? On Mondays.
Hebrews 10: 24, 25~ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Then at night I am now attending a bible study group. Same place, but there I get to fellowship with more women of different wisdoms. I love it. It is purposeful. It stretches me to use my grown-up brain for awhile. It is encouraging.
I am in need of these times. I love my children to no end. I often miss out on times to be ministered to. Or to participate. I want to go for prayer. I want to sing in worship. I want to hear a full sermon. I have been trying for weeks. All I hear are beautiful giggles, silly peekaboos, seeking-mommy-comfort cries. I love these things but there must be a time to receive. I feel like I am always giving. I want to be always giving. I need to be encouraged and just hugged for awhile too. We all do. I want to heal, grow, rest, so that I can be more for my kids. More for myself. More for God.
(And a side note to all who are in a relationship of different faiths, unequally yoked. Think on this. If I could hand my child to my husband for a moment, then I could be part of this all. He is supportive but I am held in a certain place because he is not there. And I knew this all but I was too hurt to care. If this is you, please think on future places. If you are fine to be held in one place, carry on. I would not change my husband but I sure would love to lay my blessings down so I could lay my burdens down once in awhile.)
Anyways, I have been fighting it seems the last few days. I am so expectant but there are circumstances that have been pushing against my faith. Alone, I would like to just stop fighting. If I stop moving then there is no pressure. But what would I gain to stand still? This is why there is such a need to keep meeting together. To encourage. To share of yourself and share in. To build faith. I can read my bible anywhere but where can I be built up? On Mondays.
Hebrews 10: 24, 25~ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
And there's more;)
I have been inspired this week and therefore want to write and read and write and quilt. There has been birth and death all around lately. I love that when there is birth, it is a complete miracle. God has knit together a child and then gave them breathe. There is nothing more showing of the truth of God, or so I think, than the birth of a child. And the more kids that I have, the more I see that the relationship that I have with my children shows me so much about the heart of God. And then there is death. There is nothing that will change you and draw out your beliefs more than death. It forces one to think about God and if there is more than our breathe in this life.
The other day I found a new blog to read and that I love. A woman that is searching for truth in marriage. (If you scroll on the side of my blog, you can see some other friend's and strangers blogs that I read.) I also have a friend that is going through some hard times in her marriage..... wait, aren't we all;)
A little while ago I watched a song intro video that talks about marriage being an expression of God's love for the church. I am adding this to my thoughts on life purposes that mirror God....
Babes= God's love for us in creating us in every detail. Mothering= God's want to have relationship with us and they way he loves us in protecting us. Marriage= God's love for the church and the way we should serve each other in love, uplifting and hoping all things good. (I am paraphrasing.)
Of course I am working on these things everyday. Here is what we are all striving for:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7~ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Here is the video link that I was talking about as well.....
The other day I found a new blog to read and that I love. A woman that is searching for truth in marriage. (If you scroll on the side of my blog, you can see some other friend's and strangers blogs that I read.) I also have a friend that is going through some hard times in her marriage..... wait, aren't we all;)
A little while ago I watched a song intro video that talks about marriage being an expression of God's love for the church. I am adding this to my thoughts on life purposes that mirror God....
Babes= God's love for us in creating us in every detail. Mothering= God's want to have relationship with us and they way he loves us in protecting us. Marriage= God's love for the church and the way we should serve each other in love, uplifting and hoping all things good. (I am paraphrasing.)
Of course I am working on these things everyday. Here is what we are all striving for:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7~ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Here is the video link that I was talking about as well.....
They that wait.
A little over a week ago my husband and I had a talk. I think we are throwing babes back on the table. I have always wanted to have more children- lots of children. Not having children goes against my belief that children are a blessing. A BLESSING. This culture that I live in does not match up with that. They say that children are a burden- they cost too much, take up too much time.... I disagree. I see God's blessings with each child and there has never not been enough for each of them. I have also seen this in friend's lives. With each step God increases.
The only thing stopping me has been my tired body. I have a pelvic floor prolapse and a diastisis. Which means that all the muscles that helped bare my babes are tired. This morning I conquered my overwhelming physio exercises. Before they looked so difficult and left me sore for the day. This morning they became easy and clear in my mind to memorize, instead of reading off of the sheet, and they felt so good, like I was stretching from the inside out.
I am adding this to my prayers of this year. I am hoping for a new child. I don't exactly know what that looks like, and I still have moments that overwhelm, but I am putting my hope in my God.
I will find patience and strength in Him. For they that wait on the Lord will renew their strength. (Isaiah 40).
The only thing stopping me has been my tired body. I have a pelvic floor prolapse and a diastisis. Which means that all the muscles that helped bare my babes are tired. This morning I conquered my overwhelming physio exercises. Before they looked so difficult and left me sore for the day. This morning they became easy and clear in my mind to memorize, instead of reading off of the sheet, and they felt so good, like I was stretching from the inside out.
I am adding this to my prayers of this year. I am hoping for a new child. I don't exactly know what that looks like, and I still have moments that overwhelm, but I am putting my hope in my God.
I will find patience and strength in Him. For they that wait on the Lord will renew their strength. (Isaiah 40).
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
stormy dreams
I have been dreaming lots lately. The other night I had a dream about my fears. Then two nights ago I had a dream that was full of rage, seething with anger. Not a fun dream at all. The kind of dream that carries that feeling throughout the day and messes with reality.
But it is reality coming out. I am going to look into that dream and ponder it. It had meaning. Roots. I don't like it at all. I know that I have impatience and anger. It coincides with fear. I am hoping, like I have said before, that this is blown out of the water. I can't see clearly because I am in the middle of it all. These kind of dreams are very revealing. Thank God that I am a work in progress. Some days I overcome and some days I wanna go lay at the bottom of the mountain on the lowest ground and stay there for a long while.
I was thinking about many things while driving home yesterday. It was very windy and dark clouds were coming in over the highway. All you could see was a storm but as I reached the next road, the skies were clear blue and the wind stopped. Sometimes all you need is a turn in the road to see past the storm. :)
But it is reality coming out. I am going to look into that dream and ponder it. It had meaning. Roots. I don't like it at all. I know that I have impatience and anger. It coincides with fear. I am hoping, like I have said before, that this is blown out of the water. I can't see clearly because I am in the middle of it all. These kind of dreams are very revealing. Thank God that I am a work in progress. Some days I overcome and some days I wanna go lay at the bottom of the mountain on the lowest ground and stay there for a long while.
I was thinking about many things while driving home yesterday. It was very windy and dark clouds were coming in over the highway. All you could see was a storm but as I reached the next road, the skies were clear blue and the wind stopped. Sometimes all you need is a turn in the road to see past the storm. :)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The strangest of days.
I had the strangest of days. I went to town for an appointment. They said there was a scheduling error and no sign of there being an appointment booked. As I sat in my car for a minute, checking my phone, a lady came up to my window and asked for a ride to some place I did not know. I said I wasn't going that way. It sounded like a pub. She said she was cold and trudged off.
I was going to drive away and get on with my errands but instead, drove around the block and picked her up. I felt like I would be missing a chance to minister to someone and remembered my own words from my last post here. I had to only drive her one more block but gave her a chance to sit and warm up. I asked about the place she was going. It was a shelter. A place to get a coffee, some breakfast, and do some laundry. She told me that she had had an accident in her pants and then smiled a dirty, toothy smile.
I felt the need to give her something. I had no money in my car. I took off my fleece sweater and gave her that. I had two sweaters on. Maybe now she won't be cold. But even more so, maybe she'll remember the love of a stranger and the faint lyrics of a worship song about a God who cares. It was just a few minutes of my time and it is not for me to know if she was praying for help, or how my actions turn out, or if she even cares at all. I do know she was asking for warmth though and searching for something to give her, I ended up giving her just what she asked. Meeting her need.
It was like God was calling my bluff. Well, not my bluff I guess because I am not bluffing. The eyes of my heart have been opened to a ministry of women. A ministry of encouragement. I am more than excited. I am willing to be used. It brings me full joy. I was thanking God all the way up the street.
And there is more that went on in my day, but the rest is for me to take in for now. I am looking back amazed. I posted a post about this and made a resolution to wake up in the morning prayerfully. I often wake up in the morning to chaos- a puppy getting loose, potty issues, the sound of cereal pelting the laminate floor. I always go to bed, sitting awhile to pray. I want it to be when I lay down and when I rise. I pray often throughout the day but I want to ask for opportunity to be used of God.
It is funny that when I left that woman at the shelter, I had thoughts of going back there and going inside next time. I thought about our food bank at home and thought it would be better to go in there, but weird for me because I know people there. Same thoughts that are confining. Poor strangers are easier to help. They can't hurt you, embarrass you, and when you leave, you don't have any responsibility for them. In your own town you have to see people you know and when you leave people will watch you, will talk to you when you're tired, will know you are not perfect.
I have some great memories that I love from when I was younger and my aunt and uncle ran a soup kitchen of sorts. I loved being there. Helping people and having fellowship with all sorts. My uncle used to sit and play the guitar for hours. I would sing along with him. I would love to do that myself. I used to lead worship alot. I learned the guitar because I could take it anywhere. Maybe it even had a little to do with my uncle and these memories, now that I think of it. Anyways, I am glad that God gave me this chance, however little, in my out-of-the-plan day. I am not writing about these things to brag but to glorify my God who answers prayer and to thank him that I am not "just a mom" anymore. I am not stuck here until someday comes. I have purpose right where I am....
I was going to drive away and get on with my errands but instead, drove around the block and picked her up. I felt like I would be missing a chance to minister to someone and remembered my own words from my last post here. I had to only drive her one more block but gave her a chance to sit and warm up. I asked about the place she was going. It was a shelter. A place to get a coffee, some breakfast, and do some laundry. She told me that she had had an accident in her pants and then smiled a dirty, toothy smile.
I felt the need to give her something. I had no money in my car. I took off my fleece sweater and gave her that. I had two sweaters on. Maybe now she won't be cold. But even more so, maybe she'll remember the love of a stranger and the faint lyrics of a worship song about a God who cares. It was just a few minutes of my time and it is not for me to know if she was praying for help, or how my actions turn out, or if she even cares at all. I do know she was asking for warmth though and searching for something to give her, I ended up giving her just what she asked. Meeting her need.
It was like God was calling my bluff. Well, not my bluff I guess because I am not bluffing. The eyes of my heart have been opened to a ministry of women. A ministry of encouragement. I am more than excited. I am willing to be used. It brings me full joy. I was thanking God all the way up the street.
And there is more that went on in my day, but the rest is for me to take in for now. I am looking back amazed. I posted a post about this and made a resolution to wake up in the morning prayerfully. I often wake up in the morning to chaos- a puppy getting loose, potty issues, the sound of cereal pelting the laminate floor. I always go to bed, sitting awhile to pray. I want it to be when I lay down and when I rise. I pray often throughout the day but I want to ask for opportunity to be used of God.
It is funny that when I left that woman at the shelter, I had thoughts of going back there and going inside next time. I thought about our food bank at home and thought it would be better to go in there, but weird for me because I know people there. Same thoughts that are confining. Poor strangers are easier to help. They can't hurt you, embarrass you, and when you leave, you don't have any responsibility for them. In your own town you have to see people you know and when you leave people will watch you, will talk to you when you're tired, will know you are not perfect.
I have some great memories that I love from when I was younger and my aunt and uncle ran a soup kitchen of sorts. I loved being there. Helping people and having fellowship with all sorts. My uncle used to sit and play the guitar for hours. I would sing along with him. I would love to do that myself. I used to lead worship alot. I learned the guitar because I could take it anywhere. Maybe it even had a little to do with my uncle and these memories, now that I think of it. Anyways, I am glad that God gave me this chance, however little, in my out-of-the-plan day. I am not writing about these things to brag but to glorify my God who answers prayer and to thank him that I am not "just a mom" anymore. I am not stuck here until someday comes. I have purpose right where I am....
Monday, January 2, 2012
the perfect lamb, the great I Am.
I had this thought just now about ministry. When I moved back here I had a hard time with people seeing who I was. Or rather I was concerned with who they saw me as. I didn't want to be seen as a hypocrite. I didn't want to be seen as judgemental. I didn't want to be seen as the person who fell, who was scarred. I wanted to be in a perfect place before presenting myself as anything.
So the thought is, that if we start to think that we can't be used of God unless we are perfect, we might as well go back to daily sacrifice. Do you think that the Israelites doubted that they were a people of God? I would think that they just knew it. They shared in and with each other and knew that God was theirs. That they were his. They sacrificed for atonement, but I think it was part of life and not a precursor to living. Here is the picture I had in my mind then.....
Of a line-up in a field. A place close enough to the tents of the people. Imagine a medieval sort of picture show. People gathering. Laughing, talking, children running and playing. Big families. Joyful celebrations. And then a not too far off line of people. Everyone knows these people; they are family and friends. They are silent and walking singly. Alone in their thoughts. They cannot be ministers. They cannot share in the joy. They aren't perfect yet. They have to make a sacrifice. And then they say to themselves, "I am not a part of this people. I am separate."
The people then start to talk as well.... in whispers at first, and then blatantly, "They cannot be part of us. They have to make a sacrifice. They screwed up. Look at him even! By the end of the week he won't have a flock left, he is so screwed up."
But in all the talk. In all the self-condemnation, they are still simply Israelites. They are part of the people. They are just like the rest. Just taking their turn to humble themselves before they turn back to the community. The separating for a moment is actually a good thing. The showing your sin in the line is the place where nothing is hidden and you get to be free again. No whispering with the others. No blaming. After that sacrifice as you walk back to the fold, you are in a purest of heart. Humbled to start new. Open to be used differently. More understanding of the ones walking the opposite way past you to the line-up of woes. The big picture being clearer.
Romans 3:21-26~ But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented himself as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished- he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
So here's another thought for the New Year- Let's start where we are at. God starts where we are at. Let us be ministers. Let us not wait to be sent out into "missions." Let us not wait to talk to strangers whose lives we can't continue speaking into. Let us get up everyday like you would under the covering of a missions trip- seeking God for the day. Why do we seek out poor strangers only? And this is still important, but look around- I am sure there is someone poor in spirit. Or someone who is walking back from that humble place with a huge testimony. Or someone scared to show their line-up worthy sins. Be the encourager. The minister of the gospel. The love out loud. Be the one ready to be used. Be the uplifter. The one who draws people in with compassion. The one who knows they will have another turn in the line. Israelite to the core- but indwelt with the Holy Spirit.
So the thought is, that if we start to think that we can't be used of God unless we are perfect, we might as well go back to daily sacrifice. Do you think that the Israelites doubted that they were a people of God? I would think that they just knew it. They shared in and with each other and knew that God was theirs. That they were his. They sacrificed for atonement, but I think it was part of life and not a precursor to living. Here is the picture I had in my mind then.....
Of a line-up in a field. A place close enough to the tents of the people. Imagine a medieval sort of picture show. People gathering. Laughing, talking, children running and playing. Big families. Joyful celebrations. And then a not too far off line of people. Everyone knows these people; they are family and friends. They are silent and walking singly. Alone in their thoughts. They cannot be ministers. They cannot share in the joy. They aren't perfect yet. They have to make a sacrifice. And then they say to themselves, "I am not a part of this people. I am separate."
The people then start to talk as well.... in whispers at first, and then blatantly, "They cannot be part of us. They have to make a sacrifice. They screwed up. Look at him even! By the end of the week he won't have a flock left, he is so screwed up."
But in all the talk. In all the self-condemnation, they are still simply Israelites. They are part of the people. They are just like the rest. Just taking their turn to humble themselves before they turn back to the community. The separating for a moment is actually a good thing. The showing your sin in the line is the place where nothing is hidden and you get to be free again. No whispering with the others. No blaming. After that sacrifice as you walk back to the fold, you are in a purest of heart. Humbled to start new. Open to be used differently. More understanding of the ones walking the opposite way past you to the line-up of woes. The big picture being clearer.
Romans 3:21-26~ But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented himself as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished- he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
So here's another thought for the New Year- Let's start where we are at. God starts where we are at. Let us be ministers. Let us not wait to be sent out into "missions." Let us not wait to talk to strangers whose lives we can't continue speaking into. Let us get up everyday like you would under the covering of a missions trip- seeking God for the day. Why do we seek out poor strangers only? And this is still important, but look around- I am sure there is someone poor in spirit. Or someone who is walking back from that humble place with a huge testimony. Or someone scared to show their line-up worthy sins. Be the encourager. The minister of the gospel. The love out loud. Be the one ready to be used. Be the uplifter. The one who draws people in with compassion. The one who knows they will have another turn in the line. Israelite to the core- but indwelt with the Holy Spirit.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The 1st.
I have wanted to write for days. I just don't know how I want to get it out. I feel like I have to create an essay or something. A new year plan.
Holidays are hard. They remind you how sick you are, what issues you still have, how messed up your family members are....
Then there is this lull. A place that is quiet but does not feel peaceful. Where that messed up family, that you love anyways, goes home and everything settles. Then boredom sets in.
I am expectant that this year is going to be a year of change. A different kind of change. I know my God and I am waiting. I will not leave empty handed. At the end of this year, I want to look back and see healing. I want to see a grown ministry. I want to see my family molded into something different. I want to find patience. I want to leave fear at my feet and squash it. I want to live out love.
I watched this three-part video of Kari Jobe preaching about worship and ministry, and a part that sticks out for me still was about a-b-c gum. Do we want the second hand? I don't. I want to seek God first. I want to be part of His ministry. I don't want to have to wait in this boredom for ministries to serve me. I want to walk with God first hand. I don't want to get the traces others leave behind. (I will try and post this sermon- it was good.)
Anyways, days are hard, God is good. I am waiting in expectancy. This year is about breaking down strongholds. It is about making life different. It is about God molding something new. I have so much more to say but here is my New Years post. A glimpse of thoughts stirring. I have pictures in my head of so many things. I can't wait to share as they unfold....
Holidays are hard. They remind you how sick you are, what issues you still have, how messed up your family members are....
Then there is this lull. A place that is quiet but does not feel peaceful. Where that messed up family, that you love anyways, goes home and everything settles. Then boredom sets in.
I am expectant that this year is going to be a year of change. A different kind of change. I know my God and I am waiting. I will not leave empty handed. At the end of this year, I want to look back and see healing. I want to see a grown ministry. I want to see my family molded into something different. I want to find patience. I want to leave fear at my feet and squash it. I want to live out love.
I watched this three-part video of Kari Jobe preaching about worship and ministry, and a part that sticks out for me still was about a-b-c gum. Do we want the second hand? I don't. I want to seek God first. I want to be part of His ministry. I don't want to have to wait in this boredom for ministries to serve me. I want to walk with God first hand. I don't want to get the traces others leave behind. (I will try and post this sermon- it was good.)
Anyways, days are hard, God is good. I am waiting in expectancy. This year is about breaking down strongholds. It is about making life different. It is about God molding something new. I have so much more to say but here is my New Years post. A glimpse of thoughts stirring. I have pictures in my head of so many things. I can't wait to share as they unfold....
Friday, December 23, 2011
The Besterfields, A Chistmas Poem.
I am so thankful for my niche of bests. I love them more than all the rest.
I treasure them more than their weight in gold. Will store them deep in my heart, even until I am old.
The rules for them are not the same, as any other same old name.
They root in cupboards, never knock on doors.
They love like mothers, and pray like warriors with swords.
They know the secrets that no one else knows, because their walls are tall and closed.
But not the walls around their hearts, no bricks were built up from the start.
Instead of walls, they have strong rivers. Love that flows from cheerful givers.
Giving, even though they need, and thinking not, nor taking heed.
But giving from the one that gives, who strengthens lives, who answers needs.
The one that gave his very Son, through the womb of one like them.
And so this Christmas grateful heart, concludes an unravelling thought in part.
Part for my bests who I love most, and my Father, His sent Son, and the Christmas Spirit- the Holy Ghost.
I treasure them more than their weight in gold. Will store them deep in my heart, even until I am old.
The rules for them are not the same, as any other same old name.
They root in cupboards, never knock on doors.
They love like mothers, and pray like warriors with swords.
They know the secrets that no one else knows, because their walls are tall and closed.
But not the walls around their hearts, no bricks were built up from the start.
Instead of walls, they have strong rivers. Love that flows from cheerful givers.
Giving, even though they need, and thinking not, nor taking heed.
But giving from the one that gives, who strengthens lives, who answers needs.
The one that gave his very Son, through the womb of one like them.
And so this Christmas grateful heart, concludes an unravelling thought in part.
Part for my bests who I love most, and my Father, His sent Son, and the Christmas Spirit- the Holy Ghost.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
New Years Revelation
Tomorrow I turn thirty-one. This year has been amazing. I am excited for the year to come. This year I am going to give up my fear. Hand it over. To God.....
My anxiety. I call it "my." Like it is an entity of itself. Because it is. I couldn't analyze it away so I let it sit awhile. It sits on my shoulders. I can see it in my mind. It is a huge creature with a wingspan of an angel.... a fallen angel. It has two sets of claws, the first set into my shoulders, clinging to my neck. The second set digs into the middle of my back, between my shoulder blades- if I let this, my anxiety, take charge, it squeezes until my lungs are affected. I fight with it often, but who can fight something that is behind themselves.
Ah, there is revelation..... it is behind me. I pushed it away awhile back but it hovered until it could attack again. It is hard to fight. I need help. I have been asking for help. It is coming. Hope is coming. I am excited. This anxiety is not. It tightens on my shoulders as I write this. You might think this strange but I do not. And I am not frightened lately either. Anxiety, which is not mine, which is not of God, is losing it's grip. I can't wait to see what God brings this year. I have an inkling. I have faith, and He will build onto it.
More Than Conquerors
Romans 8:28-39~ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
My anxiety. I call it "my." Like it is an entity of itself. Because it is. I couldn't analyze it away so I let it sit awhile. It sits on my shoulders. I can see it in my mind. It is a huge creature with a wingspan of an angel.... a fallen angel. It has two sets of claws, the first set into my shoulders, clinging to my neck. The second set digs into the middle of my back, between my shoulder blades- if I let this, my anxiety, take charge, it squeezes until my lungs are affected. I fight with it often, but who can fight something that is behind themselves.
Ah, there is revelation..... it is behind me. I pushed it away awhile back but it hovered until it could attack again. It is hard to fight. I need help. I have been asking for help. It is coming. Hope is coming. I am excited. This anxiety is not. It tightens on my shoulders as I write this. You might think this strange but I do not. And I am not frightened lately either. Anxiety, which is not mine, which is not of God, is losing it's grip. I can't wait to see what God brings this year. I have an inkling. I have faith, and He will build onto it.
More Than Conquerors
Romans 8:28-39~ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
On the outside looking in.
Remember that post about "holding your step?" Well, I called a "hold your step." I had to. I think it is bad timing though....but isn't it always. A hold your step is a "please pause and think this through- you are about to see this thing come to fruition and it may not be good." Ugh. I want to say sorry because I am sure that I hurt the person's feelings but I can't. I needed to say this. It would not go away. You know those times the concern lasts for days and wakes you up at night. Where there is an urgency. I think it is a God thing. And I wrestled with minding my own business but I realized that being obedient doesn't mean that I only get to encourage in good. I mean the way seems good in this situation, but it is blinding good. The fruit is bad. Ugly. Sexualized. Excused. "Funny." It may be somewhat pretend but eventually it will become truth. I wish you could read this friend. I meant not to harm you. I meant not to discourage you. I think though that you are on the wrong side of the mirror. The parallelled darkness. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights. My God wouldn't do it this way. Your God, that same God, wouldn't do it this way. It doesn't match up with his word. And he knows you my friend. He LOVES you. He gave you this gift. He wants to give you the desires of your heart. But not this way. So I am sorry friend.... but not for speaking the truth. I measured my words over and over again. I did not say what I said to condemn, but to say, "hold your step." I really didn't want you to be angry at me. I hoped that you had an inkling and that maybe it would be your confirmation.... the nudging on your jacket to turn away. A crowd is forming and they are all going to see this fight. They are going to see how this turns out, your family and all. I am still hoping that you bow out and honor truth. In the meantime I will be here praying for you earnestly. And if you choose to stay and "see how this goes," my God.... your God, will pick you up on the other side....
Thursday, December 15, 2011
And the picture.
I was thinking about the last post and as I was in the shower (the quietest place in the house) I had this picture in my mind.....
A man is floating on his back in the sea. It is a clear day and the ocean surrounds him for miles. He is alone. He is dressed in a suit and wears a life jacket. He is waiting for whoever will come to get him. He thinks he is fine. But he is not. If he just stays there, he will die, for he is not being fed.
There is another man, on the same ocean. Wide open. The clear day is turning dark. A storm is coming. He is wet, and cold, and flailing. He looks hopeless but he is not. He is shouting and searching, and hoping that if he starts swimming, he will be found or will find someone.... something.
It's a parallel of the two women: One looking safe and proper, the second looking a little weak. The second was seeking.
I hope I can remember these pictures. To not just hold to my life jacket, but to seek my rescuer.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
By the way. Both women now are strong. Are found. My God is merciful and he will seek you out too. You just have to say, "Here I am." ..... and then you swim towards Him with faith.
A man is floating on his back in the sea. It is a clear day and the ocean surrounds him for miles. He is alone. He is dressed in a suit and wears a life jacket. He is waiting for whoever will come to get him. He thinks he is fine. But he is not. If he just stays there, he will die, for he is not being fed.
There is another man, on the same ocean. Wide open. The clear day is turning dark. A storm is coming. He is wet, and cold, and flailing. He looks hopeless but he is not. He is shouting and searching, and hoping that if he starts swimming, he will be found or will find someone.... something.
It's a parallel of the two women: One looking safe and proper, the second looking a little weak. The second was seeking.
I hope I can remember these pictures. To not just hold to my life jacket, but to seek my rescuer.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
By the way. Both women now are strong. Are found. My God is merciful and he will seek you out too. You just have to say, "Here I am." ..... and then you swim towards Him with faith.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
A gift. A truth. A Merry Christmas thought.
I have been in this weird world of looking back this month. I have been seeing pictures of the past in my mind. Maybe it is because of the fact that my birthday is coming, I don't know. I like the fact though that when I look back, I often see a greater picture. The essence of the picture is the same but my mind has more experience. I can see the edges of the page more clearly. The effects, the ripples, the thoughts surrounding.
In some great chats lately, I have seen truth coming out. It is strange. Not condemning, but shining a clear picture. There were two people that I saw in a certain light before- a long time ago. One was walking in perfection (or as perfect as she could be), at least I thought... One was stumbling a bit and I was not sure if she knew the way.... But now the truth, from their own mouths, paints a different picture. The first was only seeming to be good. Was walking the way but not in her heart, following the footprints of her parents. The second was finding the way through stepping out, even though she was falling, her heart after God. Why are we so stupid to this, that it is the heart that counts. The unseen. The prayers. The seeking after God. King David shows it clearly in the psalms. He had a heart after God but he was a man. In imperfection he fell, but then he saw his wrong and he sought his God.
Do we seek our God out? Do we see our wrong and hide? Or see it and think it's too late? David was an adulterer, a murderer, remember. A heart after God. His sin avalanched into death but still he sought God. He turned and searched. He praised. He knew the truth. He saw it. Do we remember that this King David was the same child who in faith threw the stone at Goliath. Do we also forget what God has done in the past and run from our pursuers? We are weak but he is strong. We are faulted but in Him we are made perfect. It is not what we, in our panicked minds, do that frees us.... that helps us. It is in seeking Him, Jesus, who came to set us free that we are truly free.
Ephesians 2:8,9 ~ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.
<3 What a gift. Hope you all have opened it. Merry Christmas. <3
In some great chats lately, I have seen truth coming out. It is strange. Not condemning, but shining a clear picture. There were two people that I saw in a certain light before- a long time ago. One was walking in perfection (or as perfect as she could be), at least I thought... One was stumbling a bit and I was not sure if she knew the way.... But now the truth, from their own mouths, paints a different picture. The first was only seeming to be good. Was walking the way but not in her heart, following the footprints of her parents. The second was finding the way through stepping out, even though she was falling, her heart after God. Why are we so stupid to this, that it is the heart that counts. The unseen. The prayers. The seeking after God. King David shows it clearly in the psalms. He had a heart after God but he was a man. In imperfection he fell, but then he saw his wrong and he sought his God.
Do we seek our God out? Do we see our wrong and hide? Or see it and think it's too late? David was an adulterer, a murderer, remember. A heart after God. His sin avalanched into death but still he sought God. He turned and searched. He praised. He knew the truth. He saw it. Do we remember that this King David was the same child who in faith threw the stone at Goliath. Do we also forget what God has done in the past and run from our pursuers? We are weak but he is strong. We are faulted but in Him we are made perfect. It is not what we, in our panicked minds, do that frees us.... that helps us. It is in seeking Him, Jesus, who came to set us free that we are truly free.
Ephesians 2:8,9 ~ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.
<3 What a gift. Hope you all have opened it. Merry Christmas. <3
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Portfolio of grace.
I love truth. I hate confrontation. It scares me. I hate being misunderstood. I do not like the concept that my words could be taken the wrong way. But I love compassion..... Grace......
I have a portfolio. It comes from my heart. Of places I've been on both sides of the picture. It is strange. It is like this; when you lack forgiveness you get to see what the person sees on the other side. When you judge you will be brought down so that you know. Or maybe it's just me. But I know. I am not a hypocrite. I speak from experience. I have lost a child, lost a man, lost a friend, lost myself. I have found a hope, saw answered prayers, and felt the hand of grace. I have experienced even more than I would share, except for with a few who need to hear it. I expect that every choice will be drawn out and completed, but that there always is a turn. That place where, in a pause, you can make a choice either way. And this for good or harm. A choice to run with destruction or freedom. A place where the things you don't clearly see, you can all of a sudden see. Then it's your free will. You get to decipher if you will continue or step back. Or if you will run. Or if you will lay there and die. Or if you will choose to be built back up. It's your choice. It's my choice. We all wait. But eventually, we have to take a step.....
I have a portfolio. It comes from my heart. Of places I've been on both sides of the picture. It is strange. It is like this; when you lack forgiveness you get to see what the person sees on the other side. When you judge you will be brought down so that you know. Or maybe it's just me. But I know. I am not a hypocrite. I speak from experience. I have lost a child, lost a man, lost a friend, lost myself. I have found a hope, saw answered prayers, and felt the hand of grace. I have experienced even more than I would share, except for with a few who need to hear it. I expect that every choice will be drawn out and completed, but that there always is a turn. That place where, in a pause, you can make a choice either way. And this for good or harm. A choice to run with destruction or freedom. A place where the things you don't clearly see, you can all of a sudden see. Then it's your free will. You get to decipher if you will continue or step back. Or if you will run. Or if you will lay there and die. Or if you will choose to be built back up. It's your choice. It's my choice. We all wait. But eventually, we have to take a step.....
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Plans for Good and not harm.
I had the thought this morn, "what's on the agenda for today God...." It felt joyful. Maybe cause I know God is doing something good. Maybe because in that thought, I let God be in control of the day and not let the day overwhelm me. Maybe it's because I slept in a bit. But something is stirring. Stay tuned..... ;)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
utterly imperfect
I am my kid's protector. I am my children's teacher. I am their soft place to land. I am their comforter. I am an example of God to them. I am not good at it. I am imperfect. I am exhausted. I have rough edges. I am impatient. God how do I do it all? How do I let them know that they are loved unconditionally? How do I have patience when I have nothing left? How do I let it all go to you. My holding on to them makes it impossible.....
GOD, you are their protector. You are their teacher. You are their soft place to land. You are their comforter. And you are mine too. I have bad days but your mercies are new every morning. I am gonna need that. Thank you for grace. Thank you for your example..... teach me all these things and more. Mahal na mahal.
GOD, you are their protector. You are their teacher. You are their soft place to land. You are their comforter. And you are mine too. I have bad days but your mercies are new every morning. I am gonna need that. Thank you for grace. Thank you for your example..... teach me all these things and more. Mahal na mahal.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
God of Justice.
When I left my home up North, I thought it was for my husband. I thought it was for my family. God doesn't let anything go to waste. He uses it all. For good.
I didn't want to be here. I came here a few times over the years only to leave again. I hated it here. I thought it was awful. It felt awful. It was awful.
My church had fallen apart at the same time my heart had begun to fall apart. Once strong I felt like I was torn. I made an ultimatum.... I will not do this again.
I ran. I ran to good but my heart was torn. I walked in the way I was meant, but my heart was still torn. I let the ultimatum in my heart, slide into a spoken ultimatum. I would not let God heal. I wanted him to make me a deal to protect me from what first punctured my soul. The deal fell through..... because I made it. An ultimatum. To limit God. To limit healing.
So, when we came here, my family and I. I felt it was for all of them. I would suck it up for them. But God doesn't waste. He brought me here too.
Immediately I was face to face with all the pain I had gone through. I could see it all. I could feel it all. I felt like throwing up.
A few years before we moved, I had looked at myself and found that I couldn't recognize "me" anymore. I had been talking with some young men at the door and heard them speaking lies about my God. I wanted to show them the truth. I couldn't. I had forgotten where to find what I was looking for. I had held to God but stopped growing. Stopped seeking. Walked in death a little while to cover the pain.
I had tried a few times to pull myself out. I went to one church in an attempt to connect, and the lady beside me said there was no room- her husband was sitting there. I felt like there was no room in the whole church for me. I went to a different gathering and felt alone. Even the people I knew would not speak to me. I felt unworthy. I even left town for awhile to escape, but even there I felt like the opposite of myself. At the bottom.
When my son was born, I wished it not on him to suffer for my pain. I wanted him to know my God. I found a place in willingness, where there were Christians willing to show their scars. People who wanted to seek after God, regardless of their struggle. I am so thankful for that place.
After this, I had lost my third child (a second loss) and I did not feel heard by God. I did not feel trusted. I knew that he would hear the prayers of other so I left it to them to surround me. And not that I didn't pray, I always pray, but I felt disconnected. God heard my cries and I had Gemma.
And then in that place we prayed for change. Change for my husband's job. Change for my family's situation. And a few months later it changed.
I had just finished saying that we were caught up on bills and in a safe place. It was going to be okay. From that moment our world began to unfold. I think that God was pulling back the layers so that we could move. My husband, who worked on-call, wasn't called. A few months and he was layed-off. We took the chance to move closer to family. Our house sold in a week and a half. And within the month we had moved.
I didn't want to come here. It was a detour.
God, began to change things. I began to see things differently. It was painful. It felt long. In the beginning I wanted to die. When I gave up, God began to move.... to really move. He showed me my unforgiveness. For a man, for a church, for myself. I thought I had forgiven. I had just moved. I had just counted it all for something God could use for his good but let it sit, even a little, in the depths of my heart.
When I gave in. When I really forgave. God showed me his mercy. God showed me that he knows my walls. He showed me that he is changing things. That I am not forgotten. That it is not too late. That there are worse places than pain. Places where we don't know Him.
He showed me a place where I get to add onto things for my kids. Where I get to minister. Where I am an adult and I get to have words for my kids and for the people I am encouraged with. A place where I am not ashamed because he brought me out.
I don't have to count where I was scorned, burned, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and didn't have a say. I get to have a say. I don't forget where I came from. I don't want to become healed and proud. I want to be healed and humble. I want to make a safe. A place where we can seek, regardless of where we came from or even where we are at. A place where we are all forgiven. A place where we can all teach our children truth but don't hide from pain. A place where we are forgiven. Truly forgiven.
Psalm 34:22~ The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.
I didn't want to be here. I came here a few times over the years only to leave again. I hated it here. I thought it was awful. It felt awful. It was awful.
My church had fallen apart at the same time my heart had begun to fall apart. Once strong I felt like I was torn. I made an ultimatum.... I will not do this again.
I ran. I ran to good but my heart was torn. I walked in the way I was meant, but my heart was still torn. I let the ultimatum in my heart, slide into a spoken ultimatum. I would not let God heal. I wanted him to make me a deal to protect me from what first punctured my soul. The deal fell through..... because I made it. An ultimatum. To limit God. To limit healing.
So, when we came here, my family and I. I felt it was for all of them. I would suck it up for them. But God doesn't waste. He brought me here too.
Immediately I was face to face with all the pain I had gone through. I could see it all. I could feel it all. I felt like throwing up.
A few years before we moved, I had looked at myself and found that I couldn't recognize "me" anymore. I had been talking with some young men at the door and heard them speaking lies about my God. I wanted to show them the truth. I couldn't. I had forgotten where to find what I was looking for. I had held to God but stopped growing. Stopped seeking. Walked in death a little while to cover the pain.
I had tried a few times to pull myself out. I went to one church in an attempt to connect, and the lady beside me said there was no room- her husband was sitting there. I felt like there was no room in the whole church for me. I went to a different gathering and felt alone. Even the people I knew would not speak to me. I felt unworthy. I even left town for awhile to escape, but even there I felt like the opposite of myself. At the bottom.
When my son was born, I wished it not on him to suffer for my pain. I wanted him to know my God. I found a place in willingness, where there were Christians willing to show their scars. People who wanted to seek after God, regardless of their struggle. I am so thankful for that place.
After this, I had lost my third child (a second loss) and I did not feel heard by God. I did not feel trusted. I knew that he would hear the prayers of other so I left it to them to surround me. And not that I didn't pray, I always pray, but I felt disconnected. God heard my cries and I had Gemma.
And then in that place we prayed for change. Change for my husband's job. Change for my family's situation. And a few months later it changed.
I had just finished saying that we were caught up on bills and in a safe place. It was going to be okay. From that moment our world began to unfold. I think that God was pulling back the layers so that we could move. My husband, who worked on-call, wasn't called. A few months and he was layed-off. We took the chance to move closer to family. Our house sold in a week and a half. And within the month we had moved.
I didn't want to come here. It was a detour.
God, began to change things. I began to see things differently. It was painful. It felt long. In the beginning I wanted to die. When I gave up, God began to move.... to really move. He showed me my unforgiveness. For a man, for a church, for myself. I thought I had forgiven. I had just moved. I had just counted it all for something God could use for his good but let it sit, even a little, in the depths of my heart.
When I gave in. When I really forgave. God showed me his mercy. God showed me that he knows my walls. He showed me that he is changing things. That I am not forgotten. That it is not too late. That there are worse places than pain. Places where we don't know Him.
He showed me a place where I get to add onto things for my kids. Where I get to minister. Where I am an adult and I get to have words for my kids and for the people I am encouraged with. A place where I am not ashamed because he brought me out.
I don't have to count where I was scorned, burned, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and didn't have a say. I get to have a say. I don't forget where I came from. I don't want to become healed and proud. I want to be healed and humble. I want to make a safe. A place where we can seek, regardless of where we came from or even where we are at. A place where we are all forgiven. A place where we can all teach our children truth but don't hide from pain. A place where we are forgiven. Truly forgiven.
Psalm 34:22~ The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.
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