Great weaving.

My heart feels blessed tonight. Nothing special, just fellowship. Just people who get where you are at and why you do what you do. There was no scolding or shaming of children. They were free to duck in and out and run. There were jokes about homeschooling. This whole day has been so good for my family. There has been a noticed change of attitude across the board, of happy hearts. We are up late but there is still a little patience left, even though all the work isn't done. My eldest son chose three times over to think of others before himself just when we got home. He gave up a treasured toy to his brother even. My kids have joy exuding from them tonight. They are happily recalling the nights events. Even they can feel what has been missed. Of course. They are spiritual human beings built for relationship too. I am lightly stepping into this change but it is just plainly needed now, however out of my plans it is. I need to take an account of what we need and what is truly going on in our lives. I can't see around corners but a relief has been found. Yey.

The feel of change.

I am feeling a little bit better about life today. I finished our last homeschool summary and am going to loosen up on the last remaining English work. I also had a nice chat with a friend after two weeks of analyzing with my best of friends. I am ready to step. You can't think about all the what ifs, well you can but you can't change 'em. So, I am looking at the now and for now I will join our friends and choose to fellowship where it will bring more life to relationships, and hopefully our family as well. It is hard to change what you know unless there is a willingness and a move of the Holy Spirit. I for one get mad when I am struggling. I want to choose more, or better, so that there is room for those kind of moves. I feel less mad today because I feel less stuck. I have choice and I have prayer. Both can change things. The end. See ya soon. 

Sunshine

It is May and it is summer. The warm weather is restorative. It is nice to slow down and get outside. I love that the kids can run. I love that I can soak up some vitamins. It makes me want to take long drives and go swimming in lakes. Well, maybe not swimming yet since some of those lakes just melted.
We are finishing up our last subject in homeschool today (other than English which will be another month since we are doing a second program that I would like to get done by summer). I am feeling a little bit better and in a few weeks will start feeling this babe kicking. Life is pretty good. I am trying not to stress over things that are changing. The pressure just means the rough edges are being ground off, right. (*Wink.) They need to be lately. I am excited for the summer change. I so need a break to just sit around and grow this babe. And read. There will be reading.

la dee da

This is a hard decision. And I am making it alone. That is even harder. But, my kids were alone in Kids Church yesterday. That is not fellowship.

oh analytical brain

Pondering more. Analyzing more. Comparing and weighing. It is important. The church is a place that we have fellowship and are encouraged. It is where we sharpen our belief systems and are influenced. Home is first for this of course, we cannot rely on the church to train up our children. But it is big.
I do not know what this year will bring. I do not know if we will be in this same house or same town. I do not know if there will be a huge change in the church here. I also do not know if there will be an offshoot planting of the church that is forming here but resides in the city.
What I do know is that things are not working. I know that this other church is where my kindred spirit friends reside (we have been watching Anne of Green Gables, haha). It just happens that all the moms are homeschool moms, not that I don't have close friends that don't homeschool, but again these people are like-minded. They believe in family. They believe in being involved, with your giftings, in the church. Of  being a part. This place is where scripture is taught and God speaks. These are people with voices. I have only had two experiences at this church so far so we will see, but I am thinking I need to move. For now it would be easy to travel for the summer some. I don't know. Maybe there will be better options later on, but for now I just need better. I am no longer pushing for change, I am standing alone to the point of being left there. I will talk to the kids and talk to God some more. I think this is the point where I step. This is not the end of the conversation though.

ramblings

I feel like working some things out in my head. I have not late night posted since the great depression. Haha. That was a joke, if you didn't catch that. I just came from bible study. A new one with friends that are not so new. It was good. Teaching straight from the book with hebrew and cross referencing and all things I deem lovely. I want to know the word of God and truly study it. I want to then ponder what God is saying about it to me for right now. There was talk of hardening of hearts, and sowing. I said there would be sowing this afternoon.
I have lots of thoughts tonight. I want to fellowship with friends and family where I am at. Part of this new is where I am at. Looking parallel I see lacking of so much. If I had my choice in a city or elsewhere I would be gone. But I still live here. I will not sow where there is staleness. I try to bring something to the table but it is a strange table. Why do I think so differently. Yet, I don't think that my thoughts are way out there.
Anyways, I am not sure what to think about this all yet. I wish I had a different choice. But I am seeing a little clearer. It is too early to tell. I just know that I will not settle, I have never followed because it is the status quo. This is an essential time to instill truth to my kids and that is not happening the way I see is good. A little, but not quite. It is also essential that I am not beat to the ground so that I am drained of all encouragement, and that I am built up in a way that is helpful. And that I am not forced to be something that is out of my gifting. We all are parts- none greater right?Why are we looked at as though we are less than and little. I am not at all. My kids are not either. ......

When you are not where you want to be, move.

I am having a analytical week. Just came from a CHEC (a homeschool conference) and am full of thoughts of teaching my children through this next year both educationally and spiritually. Every time I get to get out of this home space lately, I see things that I desire are lacking. I am not liking where we are at. I am seeing that I am moving. I am putting down things that aren't working and searching for what will. I won't do it the same just because it is the way things have been done. I am looking also at my church and thinking that somehow the ball has been dropped. My belief system is not matching up with the whole. Our basic beliefs are all the same but the overall attitudes and practices are not. I want more for my kids and the thing is that there is not much else here. I am thinking this part of the year is where things are going to start changing. It is spring after all. It will be a year of sowing, hard work. A baby coming, my next two children are starting school, and decisions to till through. I have no idea where this is all going.
I need a place where I am encouraged and built up. I need community. I need a family oriented church. I need my kids to be seen as blessings- that they are. I need like-minded moms around. I need bible based teaching- searching, studying, and life application. I need truth.
And I need a better working laundry situation. Oy. Haha.

Vacay, homeschool mom style.

Tomorrow we are off to the homeschool convention (a friend and I, as well as many other moms). I can't wait to have some fun and to not have to worry about houses and children for awhile. My babe is all good and I hope and pray it is all kicking and stretching from here. It is a sunny day out there and I am ready to go sit on the deck and soak it up for awhile before hemming pants, cleaning bathrooms, packing bags, and soccer practice. 

always waiting for something

This pressure is getting to me. I cannot do my laundry. It smells like pee! I need to move. I don't want to move. I don't have money to fix the problem. What do I pray for? My 12 week appointment was not good. She could not find the baby's heartbeat. I go back in three days now. I hate this. Hate it. I saw this little bean moving and beating. Why is this happening now? I am too tired for pressure. It is snowing. That makes it all worse when it is April. We all need some vitamin D on our skin, and some freedom to get out of the house and into the warmth. I want some pretty and frivolous for awhile. Some comfort. Some extra just-for-you days....

frustrated thoughts

So I am going to ponder and hash this out for awhile. I love the history of our church. Not the bad stuff but the people who are there and I've known forever. The good that has come out of the struggle. I am wondering this morning, why have families left? A few have been offended by uncaring/ thoughtless words. A few because there is not enough for families. A few because there is nothing for the men. There is a focus outwards and people are being neglected. I think this is partly because there was a generation gone for awhile but there are a huge amount of families coming to this town for work now. Right now. Someone needs to start remembering what it is like to have children. Someone needs to care about the future. Someone needs to stop being tired of all that has gone on and start a new ministry. One that is straight from the heart of God's word.
This mornings message was good. From a man who doesn't have all the bindings of all that has gone on. A message about all the parts, and all giftings being necessary.
We have a wound in the body. A gap. The gap is the reproductive system. The next generation is being left to waste. I won't let my kids be wasted and if nothing changes, then I will.
Maybe we need new blood. Maybe new leadership. Apparently there has been no one to step up so the same ones stay put. Is this why it is stale?
I don't know what needs to change or can but I see it elsewhere so I know it can be done. Or rather, I know God can make it happen. Is anybody willing?
Bear with me while I type my frustrated thoughts. Pray if you do. I know some of you are part of this whirlwind....

One more thought.

You don't know how bad you need something until you see it. Or feel it. You can cope for a long time but eventually something has to move. I am see a recurring cry. An outcry for something that's missing. My thought is an old one. If you don't want to be used, God will use someone else. He will fulfill his purpose either way. Time to pray.

change please

I am tired of this town. I never wanted to come here. Then I was glad to be here and healing and with a close group of women. Things have again changed so much now and I am needing a change. I am ready to move on but maybe God has other plans still for this town. For us.
I am so disappointed with our church. I believe the purpose of church is for fellowship. (And not just for programs or drop bys.) I want to interact and encourage and be encouraged by others of all ages and stages. I feel like there was a chance to step up and it was passed by. There is no place for family in our church and so families keep leaving. No place for young men and so there are no young fathers. It didn't use to be this way. I don't fellowship at our church. I go and the kids enjoy it but I barely say my hellos and go home. There are no invites for lunches because most go out to dine. If there is a potluck, I sit by myself with the kids and eat in silence which turns to frustrated sad anger before I leave. Why? Because there are no families and no one interacts beyond hellos, at least not outside of their comfort. All members stay in their groups and all seem to want the others around but there is no room. There are no home groups to take your kids to for bible study and so I usually can't go. The mom's group is spacing out even though there are quite a few on the sidelines. Something is not right. Something feels self serving. I am not just sitting here complaining either. I am willing to serve in my giftings, but I am not willing to be manipulated into a space of need until burn-out. I am willing to call on God for answers and I don't want to be dismissive at what can be done.
And these things expand even to family, and I am not alone in this. I hear "We have our own lives" way too often. I miss the family atmosphere of the northern Mennonite backgrounds, where families are not pushed out onto their own but added onto. Where children are welcomed and help and hospitality are huge. 
Anyways, some things go even deeper.... Something needs to give.
I am greatly discouraged as yet another family says goodbye. I long for a city life where there is more for the kids. More to grow. More stability. Or I need God to make a big change here- only He can. 

fruitful labor

I am honored to carry another sweet babe. I saw him/her wiggling away on the ultrasound, heart beating. I love big families. I have wanted many kids from the time I was a young girl. When I was a teenager I met a family with ten children. I did not know you could do that... then I wanted even more. As I have had babies and felt the nine-month-long sickness that comes along with it, I have struggled in this dream, but I still want a big family. What a blessing. A little struggle for nine months or so for a lifetime of having a family. And even more, generations ongoing that you may not even meet until heaven. It is not easy to to bear or raise kids but it is so worth it. So when I get told I am brave for having another, maybe I am. I do not have more patience than another. I am not rich. But I know God provides in every aspect. Each child is a heritage, blessing, reward.... God does not lie and his word says that. Maybe the questions should be.... "Why aren't you having more children? Don't you believe God? When did a big family turn into a curse?".... but I won't say that cause that would be rude, and I often want to give up too. It has been hard, but after the hard, there is joy. I pray this baby is a strong one. I can't wait to add on.

The call.

I finally got the call and will be having my ultrasound on Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I feel like I expect nothing. I hope that I will see a dancing little bean. I remember that with Gemma. She was wiggly dancing on the screen, at nine weeks. So small, but so alive. A relief. Nine weeks! God is a God of wonders.
 I was thinking in church the other day as I sang the favorite words of Psalms, "Praise the LORD, O my soul," that in fact there were two souls inside this body rising up in praise. I pray that is what I get to see on Wednesday....

A soothing old friend.

I am almost eleven weeks. Almost done my first trimester. Waiting for a call about an ultrasound. Having twisted old familiar dreams. In a strange space today. It's that change feeling. Change is coming. Now for the waiting.

uneasy

Yesterday I felt fine all day. A bad taste in my mouth before bed and this morn are all the holding on that I have. I am a little nervous about whether or not I will carry this baby. If I feel fine, I am usually miscarrying. The kind where there is no sign until an ultrasound can tell you if the little heart is still beating. I hate the wait of the first trimester. (But I also don't wait in silence as any baby is a joy, however long they stay.) I don't like the anticipation of an ultrasound. I am not sure if I should wait but I am not ready for the hard part if that may be. I am hoping that the Diclectin was just working unusually well. I am hoping that I feel sick today or I will have to force myself to go to the hospital at some point this next week. Waiting too long can cause problems and I have A rhesus negative blood as well, which can start fighting in my body if there is any blood mixing. Why must my pregnancies always be bittersweet? Anyways, God is in control and I trust him. I just hate the wait. I hope I can keep this babe. I don't want to start over again. I always wanted more babes. I have such a struggle since this part is so hard. It is not time to be concerned yet.... just time to pray and wait a bit. 

The worst for the best.

The worst thing about having the baby flu is....
- that the garbage doesn't get changed, the laundry doesn't get folded, and the dishes don't get done.
When these things don't get done it upsets the balance of all things and causes a tidal wave affect.
So to all not pregnant family members:
Remember to clear your plate off the table, and scrape it. Please wipe the table down before everything turns to glue. Do not throw cereal on the floor and if you drop it, pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Empty that said garbage when it is full- it will only get fuller, it does not decompose that fast. If you are looking for pants or socks or anything else in the laundry basket that just can't seem to get folded fast enough, please pick up all the clothes that you have scattered all over the floor so that it can be deciphered which is clean or dirty. Most of all, remember that your mom is not just resting, she is feeling like she has the puke flu and still has to function, eat, and clean, regardless. Step it up a notch and help out. If you wonder why she is grouchy, it is because she is watching you destroy the house while building up enough stamina to cook dinner.

bump

I was just thinking that this blog was done. I had nothing more to say on an ongoing story of childbearing. I was thinking of closing it down and maybe starting a different kind of blog. (And I do have a homeschool blog: www.bendingandgrowing.blogspot.ca.)
.... But the story isn't quite finished. Thanks to some pre-answered prayers, some stomach pains have brought forth a pregnancy. Yes!! So here it is. This is my announcement and a request for some different kind of prayers- for health and peace that results in joy. Haha.
I have the baby flu and am so thankful for that. I am not usually very thankful for crappy circumstances but being sick means that a baby is growing and I will be grateful for that big time. I am always grateful for that. Thanks God.

prayer request

I am having the worst stomach cramps. Please pray for me. I feel it in my lower left pelvis and across, like it is cramping in my uterus and then my actual stomach muscles start tensing. It is very unpleasant. I want healing from all this torture. I know this is possible through Jesus. I have been trying in my own strength to find the answers and have another doctor's appointment at the end of this month, but I want more. I want healing, completely. I think this requires healing of my mind, spirit, and strength. Peace and patience are required of me.... and trust, complete trust. LORD, come.

Abby

Abigail. A peacemaker.
The story: Her husband was selfish. A stranger looked out for him. He repayed good for evil. He didn't give a crap who helped him out. He didn't owe them anything. Sound familiar? Selfish.
But Abigail was a peacemaker. She tried to fix things. She ran ahead to smooth things out. To make things easier. Sound familiar?
And then she waited. She knew there was a right time to tell her husband all of what she knew, in order to keep his anger from coming. She was wise. She did what was right regardless. She won favor. She calmed the backlash. Peacemaker.
And she was saved. And so was the enemy that wasn't really an enemy to begin with. And her husband was saved.... but then he reaped his evil on his own head, and it killed him. The end. Well, for him.
She went on to be protected by the stranger. A king. King David. And she was cared for by the King. And she was cared for by The King. The real end.

Thought two.

Conclusion: My pain is stealing my joy. I cannot see any of it, as a cloud of despair surrounds my head. I was told to study Abigail, so off I go....

Kicked in the heart.

It is not a good day. I backtrack my words because they are too weary. Not for me, normal for me, but scary for you. I am chronically sad. I don't see a way out. I know my protector, redeemer, God but He is just and I am afraid I am going to be drug through the mud for awhile longer. Maybe forever. These are my consequences. Can't go back. I have lost so much. I feel like I am living my life like it is through glass, watching people I love but there is no sound. I am on the outside.

Roller Coaster

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster. We had to move out of our own home and into the Grand's. Haha, It was not grand. The plumbing broke there too, if you can even believe it!! With lots of prayer and impatiently waiting, we have a new pipe, replacing a broken one in our septic system. I am not sure where we are at now. I am a little confused and irritated. We had thoughts of trading up to a bigger house which would be a trade-off from our lovely property. It would be a shame to lose this great yard. Now it looks as if that house is sold and so I thought this was an answer; time to settle back home. I am still unsettled though. Maybe it's the aftershock of this stressful two weeks. Or was it three weeks? I like this charming little place but I am wondering if it is really fixed and functional. There is work to do to fix it up but that is always the case wherever you wind up. I just want to bust out some walls and put in new windows and such. There is no money for that. Not that I worry about that. That other bigger house needed work too but to sell would mean paying off debts, but only if we could sell high. I need a handyman for hire. Function is the word of the month and we better find it so I can rest. At least summer is coming and that means we can live outside more, be warm inside, and open those old windows. I am grateful to be home and I hope we are done making decisions but I am really not sure about that. I need someone to take charge, calm my fears, and make a plan. I need some comfort. Just when I find it, it is stolen. I need that to stop too. I don't know how on earth that is going to happen. *Sigh.

A Northern Chat.

I see that everyone is going through it right now. "It" is not fun. What makes all the difference is going through it together. I am good as long as I have fellowship. I am fine when I can talk it out and reason some normality. A good friend can make a heart happy, and a happy heart makes it better. A little joy is like medicine. Nothing might actually change but to be heard is huge. To be understood, essential.
Life is changing. When I think about the fact that I have been praying, and now it has gotten worse, I have hope. I know that could mean that the change is coming. Uprooting is not fun but it is necessary for change. It might look all physical over here at the leaky farmhouse, but I know better. I know Jesus.

Firm feet?

The year has started off with good footing.... but that is it. I am bracing and gathering and searching. There is a pressure now. I am fighting for change but there is pressure. Resistance, and things being thrown at us. I can do nothing. Our septic field is breaking down (which is major expensive and major to all the tasks that mom has to do in a day), our neighbor had a breakdown at our dogs, threatening me and standing between my kids and myself, and the Explorer is breaking down bringing a large expense as well. This is all physical but I know it is more too. There is also a challenging of ethics, morals, beliefs. That is nothing all new but still adding to the frustration. Things are lining up in ways, and other parts are being pushed.
Our Pastor talked about "watches" a few Sundays ago. About stepping out of the boat. I love third watch. The time where you cuddle babes. The time where you pray in deep quiet. But there is that fourth watch. It is dark. It is too late to rest and too early to get up. It's frustrating and tiring.
God must be doing something. I pray and hope that he is up to something. Maybe just a wake-up call. Maybe a bright dawn.

A friend sent a note too:

Psalm 121: 1-2
I lift my eyes up to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

I like verse three too....
He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber.

That ties in well to my thoughts. That is all from autopilotville.

 

We hug forward.

I am starting off the year with a blank page. A clean schedule. I have put off all programs and am focusing in on family. In specific, I want to encircle my husband. I want to do more as a family unit. We have been doing too much and for good, but it is interfering with what God has been asking of me in the past few months.
I still feel that you should do as you have been called to, asked of, according to your giftings (*check Romans 12:1-8). Doing otherwise feels oppressive to me and takes away from the places where I should be serving. I have felt the consequence to that in the last few months, but I rode it out anyways. An old lesson for me. I have no problem standing for what I believe in general, but when sharpened by another believer I find it hard. When this is from leadership it is even harder. Listening to man, when I know God's voice. 
Even though the year ended a little rough, I have felt a release now. It is like God was waiting for me until I did what I was supposed to do. The patience of a Savior, not bound by time. Even the book I was reading was not settling in, just words on a page. Now there is a shifting in this household.
This year was great. A year of building up of faith. Many prayers answered surrounding my life and others close to me. We started to homeschool this year; a fulfilling task with much reward. We learned how to take stewardship of our money in a better way. I got to see old friends back home and have rest. My youngest turned three- the year of understanding consequence and this means being able to do more as a family. We also started a conversation about adoption so we will see where that goes.
I am going into this year with a feeling of changed focus. The last few have been about rebuilding myself. This year feels like it will be about building up of family.... focusing in, encircling.

A painting. The start to a family picture wall that I am working on. I want to intermingle words of truth, promise, and scripture, surrounding pics of my family. Reminders and focus.  

Pep Rally of my soul.

My God turns curses into blessings. My God redeems lives. My God is faithful and the truest true. My God is big in stature and in wisdom. In fact He is wisdom. He made wisdom. My God is a noble protector. My God is loving, and not that wimpy wavering love, he is that love that pursues and overcomes all obstacles and fears. My God is able, and I mean more than able. He can take a seemingly despairing situation and turn it around until you are shocked into joy. He can take someone way out of left field and change their heart in an instant. He can turn a falling human into a minister of people dealing with the same failings, no shame involved. He is above all and under all. He hems me in before me and behind me. In his presence I am made whole and in his will my steps are ordered. There is nothing too difficult for Him. And He has shared with me that power, love, and sound mind. In waiting on Him my prayers are answered, and by trusting in Him my joy is made full.
.... Just a thought after remembering all that He has done....

New rooms.

I feel like I have finished mourning. In a weird way. Things are changing. I was expectant of God for some changes when I went up North and now that process is showing through. When I moved here I began to mourn terribly for MacCrea since I had never taken the time to stop and do so, and say so. I had thought the mourning for my second child lost had not been as strong since the experience wasn't as horrifying. And then last year when my dear friend was having a new babe and was thinking it was a girl, for some reason, it brought out mourning for Ariel. This past trip I felt a change taking place, like it was time to let go. Time to be done. It was something that couldn't be forced- I tried let me tell you. It was something that God was and is doing. Healing. I so want to enjoy my living children, and to not always be tired and despairing. I am ready to make changes so that I am rested, my kids feel loved, and a big one, so my husband and I have time together too. It was interesting and no coincidence that my bible study this last week talked about Ruth taking off her clothes of mourning and putting on new ones. It is time to receive blessings. It is time to be thankful for blessings. I am excited to see what new ones come our way in this next year....

Back to the grind.

Back to the grind. I am home again. It went so fast! Back to school and cooking and cleaning and refereeing. Distance brings clarity so I come home with that. I miss the North and my family friends there. I miss that the focus is family and togetherness. I miss the church that is mature and firmly planted. The church family that is rooted in just that, family. I am glad for my friends here that are close but I am almost bracing for a change that I don't want to see. I don't know where it is going. I see weeding out and giving up, and letting go, whether good or bad. I long for some stability. I don't want to sit here anymore. I want to dig in and seek truth to it's fullness. I don't want to waste away into the mundane and stop growing up. I don't want to give up myself.... to remember it is not by my works, but His, that things change for the good.
I see clarity in family too. An ability to let go more. A want to cling to my husband in friendship. To do more that isn't program but just shoulder to shoulder togetherness. I see a break in discipline regarding beliefs and that is so confusing. Do I let things go more or do I become stricter. Either way I need to remain calm and speak with love and a gentle spirit. With respect. It is always hard to step up when you are tired but being the first to plow means you are the first to see growth. Life is wide open right now in many areas. It could go either way. Prayer it will be, as always. Different issues, same faithful God.

God, bring major changes in our lives, in my family's life. Turn us to the way that is good, the way that looks upward. Let us not stumble with self help but let us look to you. Years of normal doesn't always mean truth. Weed out the useless and rotting. Bring light to truth. Open understanding to areas that are off and let them fall off of our shoulders. Show us heart issues and whys so that we may encourage each other out of our struggles and into freedom and truth. Let us be encouraged at the light that we see and bring it home. Let us not despair at the dark patches. Father God, Redeemer, turn our heels toward each other and turn our eyes upwards. Turn our hearts towards you first. Give us an attitude of humility. Let us no longer cling to the safest but let us reach for the falling and the not-like-us in our lives. Bring a family togetherness in us that extends to the influences and influential in our lives. LORD, thank you for being God. For being over us all. Don`t forget us in our sin. Heal our failings and turn our sadness into joy, even when we deserve our dark consequences. Thank you for your unfailing love. Unfailing. You are not a liar. You are trustworthy. Mahal na mahal kita.  

Flying

I am here in the North. This place has always been my retreat. A life changer, dangerous and gracious both. I am hoping to come home after much rest, with a renewed perspective on a few things. I need to get a little ahead for the sake of some patience. I need to rest for some healing of my body. I need to be on the outside of the swirling everyday in order to make changes for the inside. Big ones. Books are in the middle of being read, plans talked about, and new dreams springing up. I need to learn to let go and a little exhaustion has pushed me past my fear to do just that. A reminder of letting my LORD take his place of in charge, not that He ever lost it, and seeing what happens in the letting go.

mudd (an older post never posted)

I just can't seem to get ahead of it all. Can't seem to find some patience. Some hope. Despair is lingering. There are moments that I think I can drag myself out of this mud but the climb is sliding dirt.... or maybe it's the guy stuck behind me.... he keeps dragging me down. Doesn't he know if I could just climb out, I could help him too. Maybe he should go first. There is rustling above us. Scurrying of men in arms. People are gathering, angels are declaring war. A plan is put in motion for rescue. At least this is all that there is to hope for. Or I could just sit in this darkness. I can't see anything, can't hear anything, and it is disorientating. I know that He is standing beside me. The calm one. The faithful one. The one that could fill this pit with water and turn it into a well. That would be one way to rise on out of here.

A boring introduction.

My husband is sending me away. I am heading north to one of my fave places, Aunty Diane's house, who I don't ever really call aunty actually unless I am talking to the kids, and alot of the times call mom. I can't wait to see old friends and just rest. I need a rest. I haven't had one.... ever. Well, since I had kids. I am never away for more than a few hours, other than one night away with my husband quite awhile ago. I am tired. I am so tired that my body hurts no matter how much sleep I get. Five pregnancies in four years and three kids later, I am done in. Keiran turns three on Tuesday, and on Wednesday I am praying for safe travels and for peace.
I am also praying that this is a God appointment. I have been in the middle of chaos for far too long. I can't talk myself out of it or will myself to change. I am impatient most of the time and this is partly because I am tired and in pain. It took me a week to convince myself that I can do this alone. I need to start doing this more often. I need recharge and I feel like no one gets that. I am always asked how long I will be or can I go here and there. I need a moment to not think about tasks and more moments to rest. I also need some care. I need people to lift me up and I don't think that is selfish- I will surely give it back too. I need God to work some change and give some perspective while I am away, both to me and my husband. I want to find that patience so that I can build up my home; build up my little ones, and bring in some more maybe. I am feeling restless and I want to force some change.
This year is a faith building year, as I have said before. It is good- straight from God. I am at a standstill and waiting to move. Struggle only means I am striving for more. Even in this silent lull, I know God is working a plan. If I look around I see too much to deal with but if I look back even to the beginning of this year, I see how much He has done. I do not believe that he will let this year fade out. One month to go.

Winter stirrings.

I am going nuts over here. I think it is good nuts. There is a sense of expectation and that is always a good thing. My brain is wanting to bust out some walls and expand this house, or even find a bigger one. I am in need of money- not money for need but money for projects and growth in this family. I know these things may never happen, but a girl can dream. Dreams give me some hope around here. I think Gemma is hoping with me. It is pretty funny. I told her that Daddy wants a bigger house if we have more kids and she says, "No my sister can share a room with me, it is big enough." Exactly. I agree Gem. We shall see. I know we maybe shouldn't have said too much about all this, even as I think of the limitations that are being set on the "when" or "what has to happen" part of this all. But, my kids know it's a maybe. I am forcing some physical changes in my house and God can change the spiritual parts. First up, a new dryer and a new bootroom. :) 

new life plans?

Something weird happened this week. Shocking. I have fallen in love with two children that are not my own.... yet. Now, this could just be the start of something but this has been surprising. I may not ever meet these kids but God has planted something in my heart and started something in my family.....
I have left the child bearing decision up to God. He has seemed to close my womb right now. I am good with that either way. He is trustworthy.
I have started to see children in their full humanhood- as people with a purposefully planned path. Not that I didn't before but God has started to show me more of who each of them are, and how to nurture my own to Him better.
This week I was looking on the waiting children list. I have looked before. I had no desire to adopt unless it was certain circumstances- a relative, a child saved from abortion, a friend in need. I started looking through what adoption in BC looked like with a friend in mind. I look through this sometimes and have always thought, "This is not for me." I was never drawn to any kids and always was overwhelmed with how hard the situations were.This week was different. I was drawn to two names; a brother and sister sibling group.
And then I read on.... The girl is a year younger than my daughter and the boy a year younger than my son. I have always wanted a sister for Gem and always see five kids in my household. These kids want pets and a big yard, check. They have been exposed to alcohol prenatally but are doing well so far- but this does not bother me one bit as we have dear friends who have experience with this and have taught us that nurturing and teaching makes all the difference. I can't believe how they are seemingly a match for our family.... or rather us a match for them.
My thoughts go to my husband who has a little more relateable life experience with this area and think he might be open to it. When I ask him, he tells me that he has thought about adoption years ago, and that he did not think that he would have children but thought he might adopt. I cannot believe that the ongoing conversation is favorable from his side. I am in shock. Are we really talking about this?
We both know the things that would need to happen for this to come into realness. One being finance, but I know that my God is bigger than all that. So now, it is in God's hands, not that it always hasn't been. I am looking around at the threads, although still loose, that have been being woven within this new story. This may be a new life turn for our family. We shall see.
And then one day my daughter says, " Are our kids coming today?"

The Perfect.

I am sad with stuckness. But a study is coming. It is time to dig in deep. God is never late. Ruth is about loss, love, and legacy. My sadness, my stuckness, is in these things. I feel like I am not good enough to lead right now.... but His grace is sufficient, so I go. An excitement stirs through the sadness of heart, for I know that my God is faithful. We aren't done until we're home. We never reach perfect, and even if we were to, we couldn't keep hold of it. What a bummer, eh? We will always be sinners, until we are not. Until we are home. Not one of us is without fault. But, alas, there is a hope.(Haha, who says alas- I think it is my son's classic English books giving me these thoughts.) One hope.         Jesus.        The end.

Rest

Had a little rough spat, but that's human. :) Can feel more change stirring again. More growth is coming. This is that year where it rains so much the trees get full and shoot up magnificently. Physically actually too (this summer), as well as spiritually.
I am looking forward to winter and that blanket of snow. It means a time of staying in, crafting, having friends over, and sitting in God instead of rushing around- or so I hope.
Starting a new Kelly Minter study of Ruth next week with the core and some more. Love these friends and can't wait. Things have somehow settled at home too. There is a lingering of yuck and dirt but it'll get shaken off again as I start digging into truth. These times of laying down too long need to get fewer. Or at least when I lay down, I need to rest in God and not in giving up a bit. My life is still divided a bit but it is time to start huddling down together as a family and building up inside. Yeehaw.

One good reason.

I am grumpy. I don't feel like being thankful, even though I really am. For so much. For not having to be overwhelmed with evil from Halloween. That this flu is calm and there are no fevers raging. That we have a beautiful acreage accompanying our home. That my husband has work that God provides and I can be a mom. That even if we don't have a turkey feast, we have food- always. That God has shown me favor this year. Heck, maybe I shouldn't be grumpy. I have prayer that changes things and a place to go to fellowship freely. I have friends and family and hope, even if they piss me off sometimes. Even if I piss myself off sometimes. I have a God, the God, that is merciful. The most good reason.

Weirdness

I am having such a weird week. I feel like I am in an inbetween. I haven't seen the besterfields in forever it seems. I need a push. I did get to visit a friend this week though, inbetween sick kids. I needed that. I feel like I am waiting and not being heard and lingering too long. In limbo. 
Writing helps me sort my thoughts but I don't have anything left to say. Just waiting.

Straight talk.

I am a little bit of a wreck.
I have been talking alot about walls. (You can thank our summer Nehemiah study for that).
These things are true in my life literally right now so you don't have to read between the lines or worry about me crashing:

--> I am ever-increasingly thankful for God's leading to homeschool. Every month there is some part of it that I did not see before that is good and purposeful. It brings me joy, added on and running over.

--> There is a reason that scripture warns about unequal yolking- it is torture and this I knew beforehand (but that is for another post). It is not fun being a Christian with a unbelieving spouse that you love, but that has different spiritual thoughts than you. And this comes into play hugely once you have kids- sometimes not until then.

--> Just because I am having a bad day, moment, month, and have been crushed a little, doesn't mean that God isn't working change in my life. This is a good year. This is a year to write down. God is not finished with it. With me. I cannot give up.

--> I find it so weird to be soaring in some aspects of life and laying face-down in other ones. That is tiring. It is like a start/stop/start/stop feeling.

--> I am getting a bit angry and that is a warning sign. Angry means wall I think. I am trying to be humble about this all and to choose to be in charge of myself, but as of this moment that isn't happening very well.

--> The flu is in our house so everyone is grumpy, especially Mom who is tired and doesn't like to be stuck in the house.... but that means I have time to potty train, finally. Haha. 

One crooked side of the wall.

I was thinking awhile back that my husband didn't sign up for this; for a wife striving for God's purpose in her family. We didn't have a family then, but my heart light was shadowed. I was then thinking that he loved me at my worst. Or at least the end of my worst? It was not good anyways. Did he know it was my worst. Probably not. I put up walls. Huge ones. I needed them. Too much pain and I needed to shield myself from any more. The funny thing about walls is that they work. They keep people out, they keep pain out.... but they keep pain in too. I think by trying to keep out any more destruction, I kept out any growth. God was there but He in me was shadowed from the outside. There are many blessings that came out of those curses now, and changes from lies grasped in my hand that I could not see. It is just too bad that all those walls happened. Then one day I found myself shouting from the inside and those walls started to crumble. Anyways, you know that part of the story but now I am living on the other side, rebuilding new walls with gates, that are for truth to be held but not shadowed. I wish I was not building them alone. I wish I was the one doing the mortar and not the heavy lifting. But I am. Sometimes I just want to kick them in cause I am still hurting, and build them up at a better time. But that time would never come and besides this wall has a gate to let people in and let some light out.
....And then I see a friend, doing the same as me. Building up brick walls. Only her eyes telling the truth. You can't grow in darkness and I want to warn her. I can't. I am on the outside of the wall. But every time I see her eyes I can feel that scream cry from the inside. I know it too well. I just want to carry her for awhile.... but I can't. I already have a load too heavy to handle and if I reach out, I might drop it. Can you build a friend's wall? I can build a friend up, but there is a crowd forming and I can't get through. I need a quiet place to help. I am not strong enough to push through that crowd right now.
And what right do I have to say anything. I am not better than her. I am barely made whole in grace. Slipping in and out of hope. Hope in my redeemer. Slim to none in my situation. But God is above both of ours. I am waiting for some help. Maybe I am the one who needs to be carried. I am doing a bad job of holding on and I think my wall is crooked. Prayer please.

brain sick

I should have stayed home today. My PTSD is showing. I hate it. It just comes on like a storm. I am fine and good and then the next day I am trying to keep my car on the road and concentrate. I went to bed last night with images of curving roads flashing in my head from trying to hold on all day. I wanted to sleep but I have to wait until I stop shaking, or I pray that I fall asleep fast before my heart stops beating. Wow, that it really bad now that I said it out loud but it's been the norm for me for a long time. That said, today I should have stayed home....
I know when I have had enough. It's like the intelligent part of my mind switches off and the sensing part takes over. But it takes over thirty times stronger. I see in frames and I joke that I have mom brain but it is not mom brain, and it is not fun. I am so glad that we cleaned the house before we left today, and I am glad that the kids are settled into a movie, and I can rest for a few. I think I need to sleep and sift through some lies now. This day was off. Serious off. And yesterday I saw a friend that makes me feel sorrow and the need to reach out and grab her, mid air. That whole situation frustrates me. There are other things going on too, not to mention here.
I really do think that this month is going to be good but I feel a bit angry lately. Angry isn't good. I need to not forget how far in we are this year. It is time for the next mountain. Or maybe this time I won't have to climb. And is this really post traumatic stress, or is it fear trying to creep back in? Sickness coincides with starvation. My soul needs to be fed and my body needs to rest. I am staying home this month. And I pray that God makes the good happen, because I sure cannot. My hope is in Him. Good thing. My redeemer, He is faithful.

Magnets

I am angry tired. Sometimes it is easy to lay down for awhile. I am in a fight. A war. It is so easy to lay down. There are no walls to build, and none to tear down. But I am in a war. There is no laying down. Those who lay down die.
I am in double opposition to the enemy. Fighting for two truths but unable to uphold either one. It is like two magnets being pushed at each other, both too strong to connect. But randomly something happens when those forces are facing. One flips and pushing that way turns into attracting that way, with a drawing that sticks strong. No longer any pressure or opposition or swaying. Just a state of rest and oneness and sticking together. I hope for this picture, only because I know my God, and in Him there is hope.
Maybe I can lay down, just in a different way.... and let Him fight this war.

a heart of thanks

I had a chat on the phone with a friend this morning. It made me realize again how grateful I am to be homeschooling my young ones. I have thought that maybe one day I will send them back to school but the more I see from the other side, the more I think that I won't at all. The more I hear about what goes on in highschool, in grade five, in whatever, the more that I think I need to teach them until they are done. I mean college is a place where you can pick your school and your classes but public education is getting tricky. Fishy. Classes disguised as planning or health and career, which are really to teach sex. I am not an idiot and I think that is deceptive. I can't remember the other name at the moment but it was strange. And then there is the case with responsibility. The kids are given until the end of the grade to get all their work done. Where is the responsibility in that? I want my kids to learn that there are priorities. We say media and the family is declining and that is where the kids are getting their attitudes and disrespect. Well, what about school? I think that we are sending our kids to a place where they train them up all wrong and then wonder what happened. Man, are we dumb. We trust our kids with complete strangers and with a system that was falling when we were kids. We expect this to be part of their growth. It is part of their growth. The system: Grow up to be accepting. Grow up to be free. Grow up to be equal.... What they really mean is: Don't stand for anything. But do anything you want, moral or not. No winners, no losers, just be mediocre. Okay, I am being dramatic.... sort of, but is it really fair to send our kids to a place that feeds them with things contradictory to what we believe, or at least in opposition to what we believe because we don't fit into their box, and then wonder what happened to them. We tried so hard, we taught them so much. Did we?
I want my kids to learn: Acceptance means that everyone gets to be loved, not everyone gets to be right. Being free means being saved through grace and not of ourselves, it is a gift of God. I want them to know that when we make our own decision to choose that grace, we are then equal heirs, sons of Abraham.
This post isn't about preaching homeschool and condemning public school but we need to be aware of all that goes on when we drive away. I have only been homeschooling work wise for a month. I am sometimes unprepared or tired or second guessing my grammar (haha), but I am seeing so much change and grace in this that I have to share. That is what this is about. Taking charge of my children, nurturing a lifestyle of learning, and keeping truth in their lives. Everyday I am thankful, with joy, for some part of this journey. And hopefully everyday I will pray, and remember what this is all about and why we do it.

little women

My heart soars when I have a chance to build someone up. Encouragement is my gifting. Women are my ministry. I find great joy and restoration in this and from this. And I love to worship.
So here's the deal. I still feel unsure about serving with the girls, but I am taking it on, three weeks at a time. I asked God for a change in heart towards my children, for patience. I can't see fully what is going on but I do know that young girls are still female. They will grow into women. Who will teach them how? They need a mediator. Someone to say... "Have you prayed about it?"....  "Jesus stands in the gap for you." I have decided to take this on in part. I don't want to miss out on the fruit. I want to grow them up. I feel inadequate so I am going to have to pray more for wisdom and a teaching that is to their level. I want to speak to their hearts with care and with honesty. I want to know them individually. They are little powerful people. Used of God. Spoken to by God. I want to be eqipped for those three weeks with a word for those girls. I want to use my experience to teach from what I know, from what I wish I was told. And not speaking down to them or looking down on them because they are young, but urging them on to be examples in love, life, faith, and purity. This still feels like a big job but I choose to take it and hopefully God has more to say.... to me.....

Gah.

I need a moment to pray. September is fast and furious. There are double booked days everywhere. I have a heart for women, for family, for my children. I was not planning on taking on Kids Church. I said not this month at least, and it was given to me anyways. I have no joy there because I am tired. I am enjoying homeschooling fully and am loving the time and focus it brings towards my kids. I need the weekend to rest. I need rest day to rest. I am seeing no time for my heart when I am serving on Sunday. No time for my soul either. I have realized that once again, over the summer, I have lost my me time. Mom always comes last. I am only free to go to an appointment or a meeting. So, I need to pray. Homeschool= fruit, but where do I go, and what do I do for the rest of it all. I think there is great value in training up young girls to be women but is it time for me now? I feel like I have no ability to do this now, at this minute. I can see potential, I can see forced, good change, but I will not crash for the sake of my family. I said give me a month. I can see a side view of making a difference throughout a lifetime. Girls are young women. I have alot to speak into their lives that was passed on to me good and otherwise. I would love to be an influence. But for now I feel inadequate. And not hopeful inadequate either. I would like to give it some time, but I don't want to be stuck in something where I should not be. I am still confused. I wanted to wait for a month, I wanted to pray for a month. *Sigh. Too much work, not enough workers. Or is it too many lame workers. Should I see a need, fill a need? Or should I step out of the way and let God work? Oh, there is my answer. That is why I write. Now what do I do about it? Help, God....

Good fruit

Have you ever not known you needed something so much until you stepped into it. Something so God planned. A gift. A good and perfect gift. A gift that makes your heart soar. I am overjoyed in this minute. God has given us purpose in homeschooling. A way to change things for generations. A way to overcome and encourage. I am so overjoyed (in other words, "Praise the LORD, o my soul"). He has given us support in the form of a group of strong like-minded, strong hearted, women. I am overwhelmed with this sense of gladness/relief. There is a safe place for my kids to grow. There are people who have spiritual depth. There are actually "nowaday" mothers who love Jesus, and love kids, and stand for truth. Hallelujah. No really, hallelujah. This gives me tremendous hope. I am on a high and the thought is that I might make it home without being exhausted- I was thinking when I got to heaven, I was going to very tired. I might just find joy in the journey yet. Thank you friends. Thank you LORD. Mahal na mahal kita. (Add breathe of fresh, crisp, clean air here, and a misty-eyed Mamma with a little joy showing.)

A little sarcastic, a little "I dare you to move."

I have almost been discouraged twice this week. Twice. See there are changes coming and when that starts to happen people get uncomfortable. We start to take a step out and someone yells, "There's a new path over here!" There's a little bit of brush in the way and we can't see the end, and then we talk ourselves out of it. We loop around in our minds, and then in actuality. We talk ourselves into a circle. Like a herd of cows.
But don't forget that our God is bigger. We should speak out our plan... heart... frustration... and then leave it open. An open ended question..... a prayer. Maybe if something makes our hearts mad, makes us frustrated, then it is something that we are passionate to see to fruition. Maybe, just maybe, that can lead to a ministry. Maybe we can step out of our "I am entitled to" world and begin to have a servant's heart. Maybe we can use the word "missionary" as a person with purpose, instead of just for those people who have to take a plane to a foreign country, and maybe that will lead to a change of thought. Maybe we can weigh the needs of our family, community, neighbors.... children... and feed them. Feed them spiritually, emotionally, physically, according to their needs. Maybe we can stop being spoon fed for a day or a year and learn to share. Maybe we can make church about people and therefore not make it only for indoors. Maybe we can stop catering to the thought, "it's hard...." and start thinking on the thought, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.... the kind of strength that is immeasurably more than we can imagine...."  Maybe if there was enough money, time, people, uh... maybe if someone else starts it first, takes charge.... uh....  Wait a second. Is God limited to money... time... people.... strength....
I am not going to take leftovers anymore. Not for my kids. Not for myself. I am seeking a change. I don't have to move to do it, at least not farther than my knees. My God is faithful. I choose to put my faith where my mouth is.... where my feet  are.... even if I am waiting for awhile. I choose to be used, or God will pass on by and use someone else. I choose to put God before man and not let circumstance dictate my choices. I choose to find truth and hold onto it even when others are trying to confuse my thoughts. I choose to worship when no one is left standing. I choose to make choices and use my brain and spirit to weigh what comes at me, whether in church or out. I choose to choose Jesus back always. He chose me first, it is only fair.
So hey you in that comfy chair whose butt is getting sore from sitting for over an hour, what do you say? What is your heart? Who is it for? How can God turn that? Who do you choose?

??

No matter what happens, God is changing things in me. I am seeing the start from the beginning and not in increments... God's plan for us.... our faith walk.... our womanhood.... I am thinking that he may restore some really old things in my heart..... really old. Things that got torn out of my hands little, then older, then finished off as an adult. Put to death. I was not one to try again. I just walked out of the pain and never looked back. In all aspects. I learned to duck, and then avoid before the swing came (not literally, don't worry, but in a figurative sense).
These things are about children. Mine. Someone elses. I can't see this in full yet. I don't know what is going on. I am so frustrated. This is not a normal place for me. Frustration that is. I can fix it, pray it, something it usually. But I do have thoughts about a time when it was different.
We will see. God doesn't start something for nothing.

Refocus.

I have let it out. I may share it more. I have a little peace. We will see what will come back again. There is change coming. More than before. I can see it but I can not realize it into view. That is not my part. For now at least. That is God's. He will use whom he chooses. For now I have let it out, what was in my heart. Here and beyond. That step felt good. As messy as it was, finally coming out. There were no other ones. Now I sit and wait. Prayerfully and until I feel the need to move again. The stirring. The end.

A struggle of what to do about it?

There's a need. A need for someone or a few with a special heart, to step out and lead the children. It needs to not be because there is a need to fill. It needs to be not just because you're a mom. It does needs to be someone with a heart for children. The moms have a calling to train up their kids but not all have a gifting for children in general. The kids need someone who they respond to. They are not tainted like us yet and they are very aware of someone who has their attention, someone who listens to their little words, and someone who gives them firm boundaries with love. And when they are being led by fillers, they don't respond well. They are taking in everything like sponges at these young ages and God uses children. He speaks to them at their level of understanding. They need to be taught about prayer... about worship.... about the word of God. It needs not to be just stories but it needs to be truths. We need to teach them like we mean it.
In Kindergarten last year, my son learned about every detail of an owl. He learned about colors and palettes. Through this he realized that he had the same skin color as his teacher and then asked me if he was first nations, and we talked about generation lines. He learned to read well. He even took a "health" class, already at five, and talked about body parts and good and bad touch. I long for my children to have those deep and meaningful kinds of lessons at church. We need to teach our children with a passion that matches what they are coming against in school. In October he was required to recite a poem daily... In October I'll be host to witches, goblins, and a ghost. He stood in the hall for this part of class everyday because of mom's intervention. At home, although I pray with them and worship with them, they often say that God only listens to moms and I should pray. They love the praise songs and sing them loudly until they get to church. I hate this disconnect. I am not sure why this is- it may have a little to do with the fact that Mom is the only one with a faith but things are changing.
When I was six, my mother took us from our Grandma's church and decided to try out her cousin's church, and we went there from then on. It was in this church where they believed that God spoke. He was speaking regularly. And they believed God spoke to children, and it showed in the kids ministry. We had kid sized praise and worship, memorized bible verses as competition and enjoyed it, prayed with meaning, and from the time I was six I desired to be baptised but I was too shy to tell the pastor's wife why, so I had to wait until I was eight and answered the call to come at a church park service.
These are the times that made me who I am as a christian. I remember one class distinctly as a young girl, where we learned about the fruits of the spirit and then encouraged each other in what fruits shined in our personalities. I was "joy" at that point in life.
And when I was eleven, I attended a pre-teen evening bible study in which they required each one of us to memorize a whole chapter of the bible. If you were not serious, you were not allowed to come. It was because of this that we grew. We also learned about make-up and girl things for fun, but the basis was God's word. I don't remember the girls in this group but I remember the two women who led this, not one a mother of us girls but mothering hearts for us.
Just after this we moved here. When I was a young teen, maybe thirteen or so, one of the mom's took all of us girls for an evening bible study and I remember having prayer sisters. This mom would always ask us "Did you pray about it?" To this day I pray always.
And then there was Pastor Jim. He was a youth pastor at heart. He took us to every function imaginable. He talked to us like his friends. He took us to christian concerts, drama groups, other youth groups. He taught about how Jesus was there to bridge the gap between us and God.
I can tell you that at these times in my life, I grew in my faith because these people had a heart for their ministry.
Now, this sounds a little rebuking but it is not meant to be. It is a call of encouragement. Our kids have been small but now most of them are stepping into school and our Kids Church has grown with them. I wish this role was for me because I have a want for certain things in my children's lives, and I know the impact of these kinds of ministries. But it is all wrong when I step up. I am a filler in this area when it comes to the Sunday School leader part. But there are people out there that have a heart for kids. You can see it when you catch them around kids. The kid's eyes grow wide with wonder and excitement. The kids sneak up behind these few and smirk, waiting to be noticed. The kids run up calling their names. Some of them are already teaching the kids and when you walk into the class, the kids are quiet and listening, taking it all in. So, if you are one of these people, please ask the LORD what you should do about it? Where you can help? I know there are a few. You don't have to be young, and you don't have to be a women. The boys need men of faith to example Christ for them as well.
We need to think on this awhile and pray for the ones who are feeling a nudging in their spirit. It seems right now that there is no one, but God has someone in mind. We need to treat this ministry as just that, a ministry- where we pray for these kids, and mentor these kids, and send them off with truths that will affect every area of their lives, as well as others around them. And we need to communicate so that us moms and dads can further what they are learning and grow it at home.
Anyways, this is my heart for my kids. I feel like I have no place to say because I can't take it on, but didn't David have a heart for something because it was good and the LORD said wait I am bringing up someone to fullfill this. I will continue to wait and do what I can in my kids lives. God is faithful.

Try not singing this for ten years.

A woman's choice.

Awhile back I started doing a search/study on what God says about children. I know they are definitely a blessing but I wanted to find some inspiration- to force some change. I am too often impatient and overwhelmed. Out of that grew something that I have believed but is now going deeper and being refined. First off, I was inspired by Ephesians 6:4 which in part says... bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.... Words that came out- training, teaching, nurturing, admonish, by the word of encouragement. Amidst this I started to plan to homeschool. The next thing that happened was interesting in the way it has played out in my life forward and then backwards.
I have been against common birth control for quite awhile. First off, it makes me sick. Secondly, when I had my second miscarriage, I was sent to a gynecologist who flippantly told me that birth control (any pill you take) causes your uterus to change and you may be able to get pregnant but the baby will not be able to grow properly. Hence, this probably caused me to lose these babes as each one was conceived after being on the pill. (My healthy kids were not.) But something else started to bother me, and that was the want for more children but not trusting that it could happen or should happen. I actually said to my friend at one point this year, " I don't know if I should wait awhile and have another baby, or if I should just let God (pause) be in control."
This was a perfect statement to come out of my mouth and to lead me to search out the next discussion with God, that being, what does He think about childbearing. Words- children are a reward, a blessing, be fruitful, multiply. The only place that I see a refrain mentioned was when there was sickness. And then there is the story in Genesis 38 where Onan spilled his semen on the ground and kept Tamar from conceiving , and this was wicked in the Lord's sight and He put him to death. Makes you start to think. A reward that comes with blessings. I want that. I want to trust that my God works all things for the good of those who love him and keep his commands. His commands....
And here's the backwards parts.... I have always wanted a large family. Since I was six or seven playing MASH (thank you S for reminding me what this game was called), I have always said I wanted five, seven, nine, many kids. My desire has always been for that and this trusting in Him would just be fulfilling this desire, without fear. Without caring what the status-quo is. I have never feared about the providing part because God says he will provide. So what does He say about about the other parts?? ......... Once you know, it is your decision to believe or reject. This is a biggy but I have taken a few little steps towards giving in to God. And it isn't just about having many children, but trusting that my God has a plan and a purpose for what He says is true and I can trust Him. I choose to do just that.

The next chapter.

Dudes (yes sometimes I say dudes, I was an eighty's child), my God is amazing. Our summer bible study, which is Kelly Minter's Nehemiah- A Heart That Can Break, started off smashingly. It went so well and of course, not how I imagined it would. And God gave me a picture to go with it- I want to share....
It was a picture of an old broken down wall. A wall not of brick but so old it was made of stones and mortar. The pieces of stones had broken edges and faces, the mortar was disintegrating, and a jagged edge across the top. A hand/arm was reaching in and pulling out the broken stones, and with authority, replacing the rock with gems. A large ruby here, a sapphire, an amethyst of purple, and a turquoise. Building up the wall strong and shining.
This is a picture of our God. He is making everything beautiful in time. He doesn't just rebuild our lives with new stones and say, "There, you are all back to the way your were." No, He makes those broken places into beauty. Beauty for ashes. Strength for fear. Gladness for mourning. Peace for despair.
And He let's us be part of the work. Yeehaw! Haha.

I will go.

Here we go. I am so excited. And I am terrified. I saw it coming, but then it is like God put on a blindfold and led me into the room that way so that it was more exciting when he revealed what was waiting. I am being obedient. I am saying yes. I am choosing to follow even though sometimes the pressure is overwhelming. It's called faith building. Stepping out without a clear view and then seeing a joyous confirmation as the clouds part. I asked for it. It was planned before. Here we go.

stormy nights

A storm came, literally, and God answered.

PSALM 139~
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.


I love.... before the world began, He had a plan.... and He hems me in like a blanket wrapped around me, and tucked in, away from the outside. I can rest in that.

a heart for encouragement

We (our mom's group) are starting a summer study. It is about Nehemiah; A Heart That Can Break. It is so fitting. It blends in to what is going on regarding changes this year. And it is a challenge- What has God put in your heart to do? I can't wait. We haven't even started but I have scanned over a few pages to the end and it is good.
My mind lately has been frustrated with this culture in our country. A complacent one. People that say, "It's just" often. It's just a tv show, it's just the way it is.... I think "it's just" is just an excuse. Excusing things that should not be okay as just fine because they are normal for us. Just because something is normal doesn't mean that it is truth. Anyways, I am sometimes no better, but I sure want to be. I don't think I will be in this country forever. I think that eventually I will be out on the missions field. It seems to me that purposeful people have an easier time of striving for excellence in their lives and for the lives of others. I do have purpose here at home, but it is harder to be encouraged in a place where you grew up. It is too familiar. People are too prone to settling back into a long-formed grooves. Although, I do  have to say that God can stir things up and He is.

the wait

I am a wreck this week. Geesh. I think it may because I am in limbo right now. I am waiting on good and am stepping in obedience, and struggling at the edges of it. I am seeing good things happening as I step. My mind is a battlefield. I can't wait to see what is happening. I have asked God over and over this year to build my faith, and he is faithful. I know I won't be left standing here.

bittersweet lament

Today is a hard day. So perfect. So planned. With whispers of promises. All of a sudden I can't see what the rest of the year will look like. It isn't clear anymore. It isn't layed out. I know it will not be the same as what I thought was coming. But this is good. A place where God takes over and molds a creative masterpiece- a beautiful work revealed in time. I have a heavy heart. A sadness for paths that separate, but who knows what lies ahead. Who knows if we will join up on the next journey. And this day is good, for the LORD made it.... and is in it.... and is for us....

transition

I am grumpy. It is a time for a lull, yet it is busy. I can't wait for school to be done. I can't wait for our summer study to start. I can't wait for it to finally be sunny for more than an hour or two. I can't wait for my husband to feel better. I need a boost. Waiting in hope often turns to waiting in annoyance. But, God has done so much already this year. I am just holding on to that fact and not giving in to giving up. The end.

inner turmoil

I feel like God is asking me to do something extraordinary. I don't want to misunderstand. I don't want to be naive. But, it keeps coming back to this. I feel like I have only one person to talk to about this even because it is not the "norm." I don't even know how to go about it or what will happen but I know that there are things planned beyond what I can imagine, from the heart of my God.
I don't know anything hard that God moves in until you take the first step. He woos but he does not push. When you finally step it is like a wind surrounding, beginning a movement bigger than yourself. I have seen huge things done, heart prayers answered, looking back in retrospect.
And then scripture echoes the same. A call and a decision. Those who walked past the hard moment did great, magnificent things. Those who said no and hardened their hearts, were passed by and God used somebody else for his glory and plan.
So it keeps coming back to this. I am trying to plan it in my human head but that brings delay, hesitation. A conversation needs to happen. I know this will bring a storm of talk and discouragement but God keeps bringing me back to this place. I listen to him first. I do hate the downheartening that comes from those words though. And today, I was reminded of a past time that attests to my heart prayers. I think this step will answer them all and bring me into obedience of a truth overlooked often. I am not ready.... but God is calling....

blind-sided

In this moment I am thankful for insight. For staying away from harm, even when most would take it lightly. And in this my child was kept from something despised and dark. I am so thankful that my God is faithful. I am overwhelmed with how close this came to home. I am so sad that this world has things that we have to shelter our kids from. They should just be safe and innocent, but the truth is they are influenced by everything and it is not all good. I love my kids. They take priority. In this situation, I know that I have made one good decision and am moving in the right direction with another huge one.
My oldest child turns six soon. That is big. I remember tons of things from the age of six on. Big things. Influential things. Character forming things. I pray that from here he gets to experience pure, lovely, noble, right, true things.
This situation, shock-scary as it is, builds my faith and my determination to move closer to what I want for my family. Now if I could just catch my breath.

the next

I think there is something going on. A movement. A rolling over of position. A drawing in of the edges. A separating and a refining. A rising of new leaders. A refreshing of purpose and a desire of new direction. I am so in.

In sight of love.

This morning as I was filling my body, and filling my soul (aka- eating breakfast, having a coffee, and reading my bible in my devotional time), I got some good news from a friend. I then got a cool thought-picture. I was reading right at the beginning of Ephesians. It says:
Ephesians 1:4-6~ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
I could just imagine God, sitting in the place where he finds quiet, and thinking on the world. But not just the world- all the workings of it and the people in it. He chose us in him before the creation of the world! Amazing. Did he sit there and ponder and create in his inmost self? He knew us and loved us. Did he imagine our faces and hearts, our hair color and life-filled eyes? In love he predestined us. Think on him creating and his heart filling as he thinks on us. I am continually blown away by these type of thoughts. God does not make a plan as he goes. He made us as he planned and his plan is ongoing, and not by the seat of his pants. His plan is purposeful and beautiful, and was first and last. Don't you want to know that God? I sure would and do. Mahal na mahal kita Jesus.

A guitar.

When I was younger my Uncle Hans and Aunty Sandy ran the Life House. A place for people who didn't have much to come and have a meal. There was fellowship too. They would open the big doors and leave them open. I remember sitting with my Uncle Hans and he would pick up his guitar and a binder full of worship songs. I always loved to sing and I would sit there all night if I could. I love these memories.
I have been thinking on this. My friend had stopped by to talk about worship songs and maybe jam a bit. We didn't get a  chance but now I am craving that. I would love to have some summer nights out on the porch with a guitar and our voices. A place where we don't have to follow the rules and flow of church time. We can just worship. I need to collect some new music too. I am definitely planning this.

Wrecked but clean.

I think we dance in the expanse between "I'm Not Good Enough" and "I Am Better Than." We rise up  and seek goodness and justice, and realize that we can't. We are humanly incapable of this. And then we dive into a free fall of giving up. Or wanting to. A week of chaos or sadness brings on a want to lay down and die. Or maybe not die but wait for Jesus to come and get us. The world says we aren't good enough. The church says we aren't good enough..... and God agrees. He does, not one of us is blameless. But, only He offers a solution. He Is. And so we realize that there is a thing called grace. That our want and dedication equals up to nothing without the integral part of our existence: God. A God who knows us and knew us before we were a thought to anyone else. Jesus who washes us from the inmost parts and presents us spotless. Clean. Not by our works. Clean.  

Little Oaks: The calling.

Little Oaks: The calling.: I have been reading through homeschool blogs and have read so many stories of mom's saying they were called to homeschool. I feel the same. ...

grassy fields

I am waiting. I am ready for change. I know it is coming. It is time to wait. Summer is coming. It is time to sit and sometimes kneel, to watch the growth. To see and nurture all fullness coming. The waiting not to be misinterpreted for staleness. In this waiting there is a hope, an expectation. The growth is intricate and you may not see the changes that are happening from the inside, or from the ground up.... one day you will look and see height and depth. And that is the nature of my God.

Fields of apple trees.

I am scrolling down on this blog of mine this morning and realizing something good. I began with posts of mourning. Writing of hurt, sorrow, anger.... I am now writing about hope. Promises fulfilled. This year, 2012, is good. A year of rebuilding. Of carrying on past the pain. Or rather, where pain has been healed. Scars are just the reminders of grace, and on this mountain I can see where I've been, where the path is still crooked, and where there is a horizon of joy to come. There are always rocks to climb but the view is a little bit clearer. I am so grateful to my God for that. Hugely.

of babes

I am struggling with something. It is making me miserable. But it's okay because I am on the edge and about ready to jump in....
In the beginning of the year I had talked about wanting to add a new babe to our family. Maybe. And then God started placing it in my heart to homeschool my children. I began to think that this was my baby. A huge shift in my family. A newness....
But now I am overwhelmed with a sense of want for more children. My body doesn't feel quite ready but I almost feel an urgency to give this over to God and let myself be whatever He chooses.
I feel like it is going to be one of those steps that I don't see the fullness of until I am there. I am feeling a push in my spirit though. I am reminded over again of what I have always desired- that being many children. I have searched out what God thinks about this. I believe children are a blessing, not something we are entitled to. I believe that when we trust God, he provides all our needs. I do not believe in common birth control and I am tipping even farther on that scale. I won't go into the rest of this all but I am feeling God saying.... Trust in me Tara and your joy will be full.
My human mind has twenty good reasons to keep on as I am. My spiritual mind has ten better ones to change this way. My culture is in defiance of both of these. I am not fearful in this moment but I can feel the joy rising up. I don't know how to make this change happen or when, but the more I argue with myself, the more I hear God's truth. I believe it. All of it.

I am breathing big deep breathes. Encouraging fresh air. Straight from GOD. What a weekend. With fragrance of His glory. More insights, more promises. The storm has passed and it is spring. There is fresh greenery. And beauty emerging....
We went to get resources for the lives of our children. To teach and encourage them in the way they should go. We received encouragement about the way the LORD is leading us. I am overwhelmed still of His goodness. Seeing more of the picture, more of the story.
My prayer now is for authority through Him. To not let the weary bring us down, but to let GOD bind them up and draw them into this sweet place. I can't wait to watch. So wait I shall.... Amen.

a full heart

I need to gush in this moment. As I am going through my homeschool prep and finding my estreams fit; that being my teaching style, my child's learning style, and my curriculum choices, I am overwhelmed to tears. As I read each concept and explore each path that I could potentially take I see, in full, answered prayers of my heart. I see words that I have expressed in prayer to my God, taking shape in reality. This is the character of my God. To know and hear and have a plan unfolding beyond my understanding. A way to change things without being able to see the way in my own will. Then realizing that God is forming it ongoing, retrospectively, and in expectation of finality.

Of Kings

I am reading through the books of Kings in my bible right now. I am loving the history lessons. I am awed at Solomon's life and the fruit of his father's love for God, God's faithfulness and unfailing love, and the affect that our lives have, continuing on after we are gone.

David's promise from God:
1Kings 2:1-4~ When the time drew near for David to die, he gave charge to Solomon his son.
"I am about to go the way of all the earth," he said. "So, be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the LORD your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go, and that the LORD may keep his promise to me: 'If your descendants watch how they live, and if they walk faithfully before me with all their heart and soul, you will never fail to have a man on the throne of Israel.'

God blesses beyond what we can imagine if our hearts are right (Solomon's prayer):
1Kings 3:6-15~ Solomon answered, "You have shown great kindness to your servant, my father David, because he was faithful to you and righteous and upright in heart. You have continued this great kindness to him and have given him a son to sit on his throne this very day."
"Now, O LORD my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number.So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
The LORD was please that Solomon had asked for this. So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discerning in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for- both riches and honor- so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life." Then Solomon awoke- and he realized it had been a dream.
He returned to Jerusalem, stood before the ark of the LORD's covenant and sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowships offerings. Then he gave a feast for all his court.

This blows me away. Not in surprise; I know my God. It blows me away in the fact that God pours on the blessings when we trust him. When we seek his will first, before our own benefits. He heard Solomon's heart cry, which probably came from a place of feeling inadequate for the job. And it gets better....

The fruit of that prayer:
1Kings 4:29-34~ God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore. Solomon's wisdom was greater than than the wisdom of all the men of the East, and greater than all the wisdom of Egypt. He was wiser than any other man, including Ethan the Ezrahite- wiser than Heman, Calcol and Darda, the sons of Mahol. And his fame spread to all the surrounding nations. He spoke three thousand proverbs and his songs numbered a thousand and five. He described plant life, from the cedar of Lebanon to the Hyssop that grow out of walls. He also taught about animals and birds, reptiles and fish. Men of all nations came to listen to Solomon's wisdom, sent by all the kings of the world, who had heard of his wisdom.

Solomon chose to rebuild God's temple before his own place and in beautiful detail as instructed by the LORD. You should read and imagine in 1Kings 6&7. (I now want carved cherubim and lions in my house. HaHA.) He was greatly rich as well. Unfortunately he let in the customs of his foreign wives and built altars for their gods. But, even then, God kept his promise to David, his father.

Consequence and extended blessings:
1Kings 11:11-13~ So the LORD said to Solomon, "Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates. Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son. Yet I will not tear out the whole kingdom from him, but will give him one tribe for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen."

God is just. He is unfailing in love. I just finished reading 1Kings this morning, and story after story God is fair. He also is merciful at this turning point for the kings who humble themselves and ask for mercy with repentant hearts. And for those people (kings, prophets, and others), who choose to not bow their hearts, he just uses someone else to fulfill His purposes. Such promises. Why would it matter in our death what happens? What did it matter when David was already gone? But God is beyond death, and God keeps his word. He teaches us, blesses beyond our understanding, and then adds onto that for the generations after us. This reaffirms what my eyes have been opened to more and more. Awesome, in the entirety of this overused word.  I want to have a humble heart that seeks God's truth and wisdom, and I hope the blessings to be an afterthought, straight from the heart of a loving God.

Matthew 6:28-33~ "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all theses things will be given to you as well."

Homeschool. A general thought.

I choose to homeschool because:

~ I love my kids and want the best for them. I find it exciting, and encouraging to them, to be a part of their learning.
~ I have found that the standard of education has declined and for an example; I had taught my oldest son to read with a preschool phonetic program  (not finishing the last twenty lessons), and he is at about a grade two reading level while still in Kindergarten.
~ The reaction to bullying has caused an attitude of punishment rather than teaching manners and respect, and has taken away some natural "boys being boys" play. I am against any bullying still, just so no one freaks out, and I am not meaning to take away the seriousness of that.
~ To go along with the last point, I want to teach my kids to love and cherish each other and family. I want to instill in them my values and beliefs. Things such as love, patience, charity, respect of self and others.... and the list goes on. I want to give them a firm foundation to become confident, generous, loving, unselfish, down-to-earth people.
~ I don't want my children to be "sheltered" in the sense of how I, and I am sure many other people, view homeschoolers. I do however want to guard their little hearts and minds from issues that are detrimental to their well being at this young age. I have already encountered numerous issues that are not age-appropriate in my mind; such as discussions surrounding the normality of sexual experimentation. Again.... AGE FIVE.

So, there you go... some general reasons why we are going to take a new path for our family. There are also many in depth reasons after researching and studying what it means to train-up kids, and what homeschool looks like for this generation. I am not going it alone either- there are five families following the same path. We have a learning mentor/teacher who will make sure we are on track and meeting BC requirements. I am excited and am preparing for the next months before we begin in September.

An oak.

Train. Teach. Nurture. Admonish. Encourage.
To not just do, but show.
To not just say, but example.
To not just love, but to choose the best.
To not just tell, but search out the truth.
To not just thank, but praise.

I write this post in change. Over days of contemplation. My eyesight is shifted to a wiser view. Of kings who knew God and still failed. Of children who never knew God because they were not taught. Of people who followed him and then were blessed- His promises carried on to the next generations, even after they were gone. This is my declaration. Of God's grace. Of God's promises. This is my prayer- to let God grow it in His way....

PSALM 103~
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed out transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness to his children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all. Praise the LORD you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the LORD, O my soul.

As for me, I will continually seek God through searching out his word, waiting in prayer, and declaring in worship. To instill this in my children. For God to be of utmost importance and priority. To not forget what He brought me through and to tell of what He has done. To be a witness of and with grace. To be a show of his unfailing love. We choose you back Jesus, redeemer. Let me be your oak.