The Besterfields, A Chistmas Poem.

I am so thankful for my niche of bests. I love them more than all the rest.
I treasure them more than their weight in gold. Will store them deep in my heart, even until I am old.
The rules for them are not the same, as any other same old name.
They root in cupboards, never knock on doors.
They love like mothers, and pray like warriors with swords.
They know the secrets that no one else knows, because their walls are tall and closed.
But not the walls around their hearts, no bricks were built up from the start.
Instead of walls, they have strong rivers. Love that flows from cheerful givers.
Giving, even though they need, and thinking not, nor taking heed.
But giving from the one that gives, who strengthens lives, who answers needs.
The one that gave his very Son, through the womb of one like them.
And so this Christmas grateful heart, concludes an unravelling thought in part.
Part for my bests who I love most, and my Father, His sent Son, and the Christmas Spirit- the Holy Ghost.

And a song (Kari Jobe, Healer.)

New Years Revelation

Tomorrow I turn thirty-one. This year has been amazing. I am excited for the year to come. This year I am going to give up my fear. Hand it over. To God.....
My anxiety. I call it "my." Like it is an entity of itself. Because it is. I couldn't analyze it away so I let it sit awhile. It sits on my shoulders. I can see it in my mind. It is a huge creature with a wingspan of an angel.... a fallen angel. It has two sets of claws, the first set into my shoulders, clinging to my neck. The second set digs into the middle of my back, between my shoulder blades- if I let this, my anxiety, take charge, it squeezes until my lungs are affected. I fight with it often, but who can fight something that is behind themselves.
Ah, there is revelation..... it is behind me. I pushed it away awhile back but it hovered until it could attack again. It is hard to fight. I need help. I have been asking for help. It is coming. Hope is coming. I am excited. This anxiety is not. It tightens on my shoulders as I write this. You might think this strange but I do not. And I am not frightened lately either. Anxiety, which is not mine, which is not of God, is losing it's grip.  I can't wait to see what God brings this year. I have an inkling. I have faith, and He will build onto it.

More Than Conquerors
Romans 8:28-39~ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

A beautiful, Beth Moore, story.

On the outside looking in.

Remember that post about "holding your step?" Well, I called a "hold your step." I had to. I think it is bad timing though....but isn't it always. A hold your step is a "please pause and think this through- you are about to see this thing come to fruition and it may not be good." Ugh. I want to say sorry because I am sure that I hurt the person's feelings but I can't. I needed to say this. It would not go away. You know those times the concern lasts for days and wakes you up at night. Where there is an urgency. I think it is a God thing. And I wrestled with minding my own business but I realized that being obedient doesn't mean that I only get to encourage in good. I mean the way seems good in this situation, but it is blinding good. The fruit is bad. Ugly. Sexualized. Excused. "Funny." It may be somewhat pretend but eventually it will become truth. I wish you could read this friend. I meant not to harm you. I meant not to discourage you. I think though that you are on the wrong side of the mirror. The parallelled darkness. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights. My God wouldn't do it this way. Your God, that same God, wouldn't do it this way. It doesn't match up with his word. And he knows you my friend. He LOVES you. He gave you this gift. He wants to give you the desires of your heart. But not this way. So I am sorry friend.... but not for speaking the truth. I measured my words over and over again. I did not say what I said to condemn, but to say, "hold your step." I really didn't want you to be angry at me. I hoped that you had an inkling and that maybe it would be your confirmation.... the nudging on your jacket to turn away. A crowd is forming and they are all going to see this fight. They are going to see how this turns out, your family and all. I am still hoping that you bow out and honor truth. In the meantime I will be here praying for you earnestly. And if you choose to stay and "see how this goes," my God.... your God, will pick you up on the other side....

And the picture.

I was thinking about the last post and as I was in the shower (the quietest place in the house) I had this picture in my mind.....
A man is floating on his back in the sea. It is a clear day and the ocean surrounds him for miles. He is alone. He is dressed in a suit and wears a life jacket. He is waiting for whoever will come to get him. He thinks he is fine. But he is not. If he just stays there, he will die, for he is not being fed.
There is another man, on the same ocean. Wide open. The clear day is turning dark. A storm is coming. He is wet, and cold, and flailing. He looks hopeless but he is not. He is shouting and searching, and hoping that if he starts swimming, he will be found or will find someone.... something.
It's a parallel of the two women: One looking safe and proper, the second looking a little weak. The second was seeking.
I hope I can remember these pictures. To not just hold to my life jacket, but to seek my rescuer.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." 

By the way. Both women now are strong. Are found. My God is merciful and he will seek you out too. You just have to say, "Here I am." ..... and then you swim towards Him with faith.

A gift. A truth. A Merry Christmas thought.

I have been in this weird world of looking back this month. I have been seeing pictures of the past in my mind. Maybe it is because of the fact that my birthday is coming, I don't know. I like the fact though that when I look back, I often see a greater picture. The essence of the picture is the same but my mind has more experience. I can see the edges of the page more clearly. The effects, the ripples, the thoughts surrounding.
In some great chats lately, I have seen truth coming out. It is strange. Not condemning, but shining a clear picture. There were two people that I saw in a certain light before- a long time ago. One was walking in perfection (or as perfect as she could be), at least I thought... One was stumbling a bit and I was not sure if she knew the way.... But now the truth, from their own mouths, paints a different picture. The first was only seeming to be good. Was walking the way but not in her heart, following the footprints of her parents. The second was finding the way through stepping out, even though she was falling, her heart after God. Why are we so stupid to this, that it is the heart that counts. The unseen. The prayers. The seeking after God. King David shows it clearly in the psalms. He had a heart after God but he was a man. In imperfection he fell, but then he saw his wrong and he sought his God.
Do we seek our God out? Do we see our wrong and hide? Or see it and think it's too late? David was an adulterer, a murderer, remember. A heart after God. His sin avalanched into death but still he sought God. He turned and searched. He praised. He knew the truth. He saw it. Do we remember that this King David was the same child who in faith threw the stone at Goliath. Do we also forget what God has done in the past and run from our pursuers? We are weak but he is strong. We are faulted but in Him we are made perfect. It is not what we, in our panicked minds, do that frees us.... that helps us. It is in seeking Him, Jesus, who came to set us free that we are truly free.

Ephesians 2:8,9 ~ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.
<3 What a gift. Hope you all have opened it. Merry Christmas. <3

Portfolio of grace.

I love truth. I hate confrontation. It scares me. I hate being misunderstood.  I do not like the concept that my words could be taken the wrong way. But I love compassion..... Grace......
I have a portfolio. It comes from my heart. Of places I've been on both sides of the picture. It is strange. It is like this; when you lack forgiveness you get to see what the person sees on the other side. When you judge you will be brought down so that you know. Or maybe it's just me. But I know. I am not a hypocrite. I speak from experience. I have lost a child, lost a man, lost a friend, lost myself. I have found a hope, saw answered prayers, and felt the hand of grace. I have experienced even more than I would share, except for with a few who need to hear it. I expect that every choice will be drawn out and completed, but that there always is a turn. That place where, in a pause, you can make a choice either way. And this for good or harm. A choice to run with destruction or freedom. A place where the things you don't clearly see, you can all of a sudden see. Then it's your free will.  You get to decipher if you will continue or step back. Or if you will run. Or if you will lay there and die. Or if you will choose to be built back up. It's your choice. It's my choice. We all wait. But eventually, we have to take a step.....

Plans for Good and not harm.

I had the thought this morn, "what's on the agenda for today God...." It felt joyful. Maybe cause I know God is doing something good. Maybe because in that thought, I let God be in control of the day and not let the day overwhelm me. Maybe it's because I slept in a bit. But something is stirring. Stay tuned..... ;)

awesome. raw. truth. a song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjkIHdVwfEk&feature=related

utterly imperfect

I am my kid's protector. I am my children's teacher. I am their soft place to land. I am their comforter. I am an example of God to them. I am not good at it. I am imperfect. I am exhausted. I have rough edges. I am impatient. God how do I do it all? How do I let them know that they are loved unconditionally? How do I have patience when I have nothing left? How do I let it all go to you. My holding on to them makes it impossible.....
GOD, you are their protector. You are their teacher. You are their soft place to land. You are their comforter. And you are mine too. I have bad days but your mercies are new every morning. I am gonna need that. Thank you for grace. Thank you for your example..... teach me all these things and more. Mahal na mahal.

God of Justice.

When I left my home up North, I thought it was for my husband. I thought it was for my family. God doesn't let anything go to waste. He uses it all. For good.
I didn't want to be here. I came here a few times over the years only to leave again. I hated it here. I thought it was awful. It felt awful. It was awful.
My church had fallen apart at the same time my heart had begun to fall apart. Once strong I felt like I was torn. I made an ultimatum.... I will not do this again.
I ran. I ran to good but my heart was torn. I walked in the way I was meant, but my heart was still torn. I let the ultimatum in my heart, slide into a spoken ultimatum. I would not let God heal. I wanted him to make me a deal to protect me from what first punctured my soul. The deal fell through..... because I made it. An ultimatum. To limit God. To limit healing.
So, when we came here, my family and I. I felt it was for all of them. I would suck it up for them. But God doesn't waste. He brought me here too.
Immediately I was face to face with all the pain I had gone through. I could see it all. I could feel it all. I felt like throwing up.
A few years before we moved, I had looked at myself and found that I couldn't recognize "me" anymore. I had been talking with some young men at the door and heard them speaking lies about my God. I wanted to show them the truth. I couldn't. I had forgotten where to find what I was looking for. I had held to God but stopped growing. Stopped seeking. Walked in death a little while to cover the pain.
I had tried a few times to pull myself out. I went to one church in an attempt to connect, and the lady beside me said there was no room- her husband was sitting there. I felt like there was no room in the whole church for me. I went to a different gathering and felt alone. Even the people I knew would not speak to me. I felt unworthy. I even left town for awhile to escape, but even there I felt like the opposite of myself. At the bottom.
When my son was born, I wished it not on him to suffer for my pain. I wanted him to know my God. I found a place in willingness, where there were Christians willing to show their scars. People who wanted to seek after God, regardless of their struggle. I am so thankful for that place.
After this, I had lost my third child (a second loss) and I did not feel heard by God. I did not feel trusted. I knew that he would hear the prayers of other so I left it to them to surround me. And not that I didn't pray, I always pray, but I felt disconnected. God heard my cries and I had Gemma.
And then in that place we prayed for change. Change for my husband's job. Change for my family's situation. And a few months later it changed.
I had just finished saying that we were caught up on bills and in a safe place. It was going to be okay. From that moment our world began to unfold. I think that God was pulling back the layers so that we could move. My husband, who worked on-call, wasn't called. A few months and he was layed-off. We took the chance to move closer to family. Our house sold in a week and a half. And within the month we had moved.
I didn't want to come here. It was a detour.
God, began to change things. I began to see things differently. It was painful. It felt long. In the beginning I wanted to die. When I gave up, God began to move.... to really move. He showed me my unforgiveness. For a man, for  a church, for myself. I thought I had forgiven. I had just moved. I had just counted it all for something God could use for his good but let it sit, even a little, in the depths of my heart.
When I gave in. When I really forgave. God showed me his mercy. God showed me that he knows my walls. He showed me that he is changing things. That I am not forgotten. That it is not too late. That there are worse places than pain. Places where we don't know Him.
He showed me a place where I get to add onto things for my kids. Where I get to minister. Where I am an adult and I get to have words for my kids and for the people I am encouraged with. A place where I am not ashamed because he brought me out.
I don't have to count where I was scorned, burned, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and didn't have a say. I get to have a say. I don't forget where I came from. I don't want to become healed and proud. I want to be healed and humble. I want to make a safe. A place where we can seek, regardless of where we came from or even where we are at. A place where we are all forgiven. A place where we can all teach our children truth but don't hide from pain. A place where we are forgiven. Truly forgiven.

Psalm 34:22~ The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Three times.

I do not write because I think I am the queen. I write to work things out. It seems as when I write, my thoughts can be clear and I can find the truth that I am looking for....
And when I say, "we" it is not because I am preaching to an audience it is because I am struggling with a friend or venting. We are all struggling. I can feel the pain and it is overwhelming me.
Right now I am tortured by thoughts all day long. I want to step in and help my dear friend. But I cannot show her- she has to see herself. I have a page of thoughts that I have been writing out, just to release these thoughts from my mind, but it is not helping. I feel like she is on the ledge but I can't get to her to hold her in. Her back is to her safe place and she is ready to jump. She thinks she can fly. Someone told her she can fly. But she will fall.
I fell once. It was a long walk back up the mountain.....

GOD of MERCY

But where there is counterfeit, there has been truth. There all along but waiting for you to seek.

Psalm 34~
I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against all who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Hear that: NO ONE WILL BE CONDEMNED WHO TAKES REFUGE IN HIM.

The word of the month is counterfeit. (To go with the next post; God of Mercy...)

Counterfeit.
We forget Satan is beautiful. We forget he was an immaculate angel. He isn't ugly.
And so are not his evils. (In appearance.)
They are parallel of truths. Twisted. Rearranged. From the dark but appearing light. Seeming to heal. Seeming to help. But they turn, like a deceptive friend. They overwhelm and overtake. They steal our husbands. Lie to our children. Oppose our best friends. Separate us from our families. We feel amazing and free. Behind us and around us are tidal waves of destruction. We can't see because our eyes are still fixed on the beauty of the unfolding parallel. When it unfolds it is too late to change things. When the petals bloom and the insides are all black, we can finally see. Only then are we shocked back into reality. We can finally look around. We can see the destruction. We can feel the darkness, but what can we do? It is too late, the twisted beauty has speared us. And then it scorns us. Shows itself. Tears us down some more. We cannot believe how we were deceived, but it is too late. Life is broken.
Counterfeit.

James 1:14-18 ~ but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we may be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

The ugly and the beautiful.

There is a place of ugly. It comes and steals our joy. It taints our reality until we see ourselves in a different light. We look at our friends faces and see lies reflected. Lies that they don't want us, don't like us. So we hide. But they aren't seeing us. They are seeing this ugliness. A place that stems from hurt. A hurt that when we hide it, it mutates into a mask of seething, and words of hatred. We hate the ugly and what it did to us. We have to blame someone, something.  We need to escape.
But the ugly is only a deception. If we let go of the hurt. If we throw it as far as we can. If we combat it with forgiveness. If we choose not to believe the lies, but search for the truth. If we let God show us that our chosen captor is just as flawed as we are. If we choose to step out of it until one day, we see a glimmer of beautiful again. We see it reflecting from our friends. It radiates their beauty too. It grows from behind their eyes. They no longer see the ugly. They can only see you.... and the one who covers you with joy.

The grump.

I am in a mood. I feel like a crank. I'm grumpy. The kind of mood that makes a person feel like starting a fight. A grumpiness that makes someone not want to worry about anyone else's feelings. It is strange. I don't know fully where it is coming from. Something hit a nerve. Or bruised me. Something rubbed on an old bruise.... and it hurt. A friend that I went to college with used to rub our actual bruises- we hated it, it felt wrong, but she said it caused the blood to come to the surface and heal it faster. Maybe that is why we want to start a fight. We want to draw out the pain. Bring it to the surface. We want it to be gone.
I saw something out of place the other day. It bothered me. I summed it up to myself as "you are not the queen and don't need to know everything." But now it is closer. It brushed my arm. It hit a different nerve than the original instance. It is now bothering me more. One for selfish reasons. One for truth I think. The latter is not my business though. Maybe that is the part where I want to rub in the truth for my own purpose. But this is not really my heart. I want to encourage. I do not really want to start a fight.
And I am not perfect. I don't want someone egging on me about things that I already know, and am working on. I want words that are uplifting. An encouraging word will help keep me taking steps in the right direction. This rings true the other way as well. I hope that in wisdom, someone who loves me would be able to say, "Hold your step." Maybe that should be a code phrase...... "Hold your step, friend." Take a look at who you are stepping with, who you are taking along, and where you are going. Permissible? Beneficial? Uplifting or dragging someone down. And if you are going to rub a bruise, do it for healing, not just to start a fight.

My soul yearns for you. (A mini sermon.)

I am tired of all this positive thinking talk. Where does it come from. My scriptures say to think about things pure, lovely, admirable, true. (Philippians 4: 8.) True. Good. Not to pretend all things are great. Yes God can turn around things for good (Jeremiah 29:11.), for us, but last time I checked I saw David crying out to God. I am not about sweeping things under the rug and putting on a smile. That doesn't fix anything. Isn't it humanistic thinking to say that we can will things to be all lovely.
I see the truth of clinging to God. Crying out to him. Saying, "my life is crumbling God! Turn it. Fix it. Change me." I hate when people say.... "well, at least...." Does God say to us, "someone is far worse off then you my child." I can't really see that. I think we should be aware of huge things like poverty and the state of our wellness/wealth, but for the sake of example, would God have said to me, "I know you had a horrible, tragic, miscarriage, but at least you didn't have a baby die like your cousin." No! How unloving would that be. God meets us where we are at. He knows all of our walls. (Isaiah 49:16.)He knows all of our needs. He says to us, there is a time to mourn, so mourn. (Ecclesiastes 3:4.) And He will hold you, and calm the storm around you until you can step out into the waters of faith.
And then there will come praising. Then you will be truly in a positive state of mind. A state called joy.... thinking on the great things God has done in you or through you, but not because of you, because of Him.
~ Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21.

It is new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.

My soul is wooed this morn. That is what it feels like. My body hurts, my mind is tired, but my soul feels love. From my GOD. I am weary and grasping for some change. I can't do it within my own will. God has moved into first place where he should always be. I accidentally put my kids first for awhile. I grew up with two loves; a hope for a family/a husband and children, and my God. Because of the way everything does not go according to our plans, my focus was on the first. I was stuck in fixing it. I am stuck in fixing it. I need to be stuck on letting that fall away and walking in God.
And I think I will never be truly happy until I am living in his calling for me. I used to be in a place where I had no want for a home or any things. I just wanted enough to get by, enough that I could pack up and go at a moments notice. I wanted and was serving God in missions. There was unresolved pain in my life though. Unforgiveness. Misunderstanding. Then my kids came and I longed for security- seeing it only in a closed in home with enough money. Where did that thinking come from but through fear? I see my friends who are living with their four kids in a place less than secure, and they are serving. They are living for their souls, not their bodies. I long for that again. And I already know that feeling of being encompassed and surrounded by God's spirit as you walk in his purpose.
Now I feel stuck a bit. Maybe a lot. My house is divided. But God knows His plans for me. Plans for good and not harm. To give me (and my family) a future and a hope....
GOD, bring my whole family out of ourselves. Build us into a whole family secure in you. Mahal na mahal.

To paint a picture of untruth.

I am planning this night for my kids, I don't know where I conceived it but it is going to be fun! First I am going to rent some "R" rated movies. I think it will be great fun, the scare. Ghosts, witches, vampires. Nothing is too scary. Then I think we'll watch a crime show. Something as real as it gets- a murder mystery maybe. I hope that there is something with lots of blood and gore. Maybe a knife sticking out of someone's head. Come on, it's fun- no one is too young to come. My kids are five, three, and one:)
And then I want them to indulge so I am going to get them some treats. Candy, candy, candy. I hope they eat so much that they feel sick! It will bring great memories. I don't care where we find it either. Stranger, smanger I say. If someone has something to give you, take it. Am I right? Free candy is even better.
I better give this night a name. I better make it special. I don't want people to think I am a bad parent. When my kids act out. When they look terrified. When they look at me in wonder at why I would do a thing so out of character. It is all in fun, really. Harmless.
What do you think I should call it? And do you want to come? Everyone else is.....