in remembrance

Looking back. It's been a year. A friend went home. All is settling now. (As much as I can see.)
I was looking back this morning. Much has changed. So much. God used this friend's life and death to point straight to him. I remember the last time I saw her, her eyes were dark and she looked so tired. If I only knew then what I know now, but I didn't. We didn't. But that is the only time that I remember dark eyes. Her eyes were usually shining. Her life pointed to Christ. I remember watching her in church and sometimes she was the only one, hands straight up, telling all, declaring that she knew her savior.
One day I will tell her, and I am sure she already knows, how God used her to awaken my reality. To show me how great a mother she was.... how great a mother I am. God answered the question that I had two days earlier....what if I got to the point that I thought my kids were better off without me and my messed up self. I saw clearly the lies. I saw clearly what would happen. I am so grateful. I know this was just a small wave flowing out from this tragedy and rocking my heart. It is not about me but I want to share how satan doesn't win in this.
That day and the days that followed I never heard one word of evil. I heard stories of how she touched people's lives time and again, and how God shone through her. And I saw a family grip tighter to God himself. I know she is dancing with Him and her arms aren't stretched up anymore, now they can just stretch out and embrace her savior.

And now I pray for that same blanketing that I did a year ago, to cover two girls who still have to grow. Two girls without a mother. GOD, I pray that they would always know you. I pray they would hold on to you with all of themselves and grow into confident and wise women. Protect them from lies. Encompass them with your truths. Amen.

Love is patient, love is kind.

The theme of this, my thirtieth year, is balance. At the moment I am struggling with the balance of my mouth. I want to share but in growing up shy and holding it all in, I am forcing out more than I want to. I used to sit back and now I know that if you do not give of yourself, you will not be given back to. I however, do not want to be overbearing and over sharing. Rhyme not intended. Haha.
My heart is to really know people and care about them. I want to understand why someone is who they are and have compassion.
And I want to get back to patience. I find myself sounding angry. I am not meaning to be; it is a cover. I am angry often but not because I want to be.... because I can only come out of myself by pushing. By demanding. I want to stand up, but I want to exude confident gentleness.
Ugh. I am exhausted from processing how this will come about. I only know I can't find patience on my own. I can only hope in the one who works things out..... and hope people will bear with me until then.

Thorn in my side.

The more that I live in the world, the more I want out of it. I am shifting my mind on my biblical motto: suffering, perseverance, character, hope. I can only do this. God will not take us out but he will walk us through. And I pray that I can change continually towards being an unconditionally merciful and loving person ,so that my kids will be encouraged in faith and confident in themselves. It's about all I can do. Pray and step one foot at a time..... coffee in hand;)

Darkness vs light.

There is a place of dark that is so soothing. It fixes immediately. It then quickly dies and turns to despair. It grows in an effort to remain sustainable but it only leads to death.
There is a place of light, it is so soothing. It fixes immediately. It radiates in your soul, resonating peace. It grows and bears fruit.
You know the touch of the light, but some seasons the darkness lingers. The dawn doesn't break. It casts a shadow on the light, calling you to sleep. You almost give in. It is easier than having to fight it.
But, if you wait on the light your strength will be renewed.
  

The truth will set you free.

I am overwhelmed with good anxiety. I mean, the anxiety is still not good, but it is coming from things that are inspiring. Summer I hate sometimes. Like I have said, it brings disconnect. I am waiting for the peace to return as programs and schedule return.
Last week at the return of our mom's group, we began spiritual scrapbooking. It is forcing me to look internally. To look at decisions and where God has had his hand in my life. I love it.
Yesterday was a day of celebration at our church as the pastor and congregation shared in commemorating the day that the baptist and pentecostal churches in our town, joined as one. It has been a work of God. For years churches fell apart as the people wandered from denomination to denomination. I was drawn back into this town, and this church, not coincidentally, but to feast on the fruit of forgiveness and unity. And it was definitely against my will. God had plans.
Tonight I start a study of Daniel. It is another Beth Moore study and I am super excited to see what God brings in my life because of it. The last study, Esther, had a great impact around here.
All of these things bring encouragement, hope, and a remembrance of where God has brought us/me and that he has begun something that he will finish. Summer has been a losing fight it feels, but now I am drawn into my hiding place. My God. My truth.

running in flip-flops

I am a little excited today. Life has been a little bit of chaos. Tomorrow our family starts the next stage of life; Aidy is in full days of kindergarten. He is so ready. I have already been teaching him to read and he is doing great. He needs to go go go all day and I think that this transition will give me more patience and him more calmness. And, it will give me time to encourage Gemma and read to her.
I took the kids for a walk today and went for a run with Aiden. I can't wait to have time to do more of this. I NEED to get out of the house and we were walking when Aiden was in preschool. It helps. Summer has been too busy somehow.
This is my favorite time of year and I am a bit inspired....

I love you to the sky.

It's little Mac's day. Happy day babe. <3

a dream, a glimpse, a pirate party

Sometimes I get scared that I won't be able to pull myself out. Sometimes it isn't a matter of climbing out, rather holding on. This too shall pass. I love when God stirs my soul and even though I don't know how a change is coming, I can feel it coming. It is so hard when you are in the middle of it all, to see the path turning. I often find myself getting a little excited when I see a friend that has been struggling and is now at a desperately hard turn. I know that this usually means that something is going to finally change and it will be good because God answers prayer. Those who seek him out will find him. It is hard to remember this when you are the one distressed. It is hard to seek when you are exhausted and battling at every turn.
I know I am probably repeating myself but I have to say all this and that I love fall. It is my favorite season. It always brings good change and stability. I love sweaters and jeans, and warm blankets. I love being surrounded by bests. I love the programs that entertain and bring fellowship for both myself and my children. I am start to feel ambition returning and maybe, just maybe, some rest.
I have been feeling lately that I am out of place. I have been watching the people around me and feeling disconnected. I know I was hiding out this summer, too exhausted to give anything. I am remembering that if I am feeling this way about most everything, then it is time to start reaching out of myself. A giving, encouraging, and friendly spirit always brings more happiness. When I start to call, to say hi, to remember needs, and to push past my depression, I start to feel better. Unforgiveness and bitterness feed depression and anxiety. I long for the way things used to be but they aren't. I can choose to be sad or I can grow relationships into something new. I can be the encourager, the peacemaker.
Oh GOD, let the fruits of your spirit come. More and more.  

remember to cry

God hears your cry. He does. So speak it.
Last night in my prayer journal, I spoke it. "God, ....... I am unbalanced again & on the wrong side. I would rather be unbalanced, leaning into you...." I am not going to tell you my whole prayer but God answered it immediately and confirmed it in the morning. First with the verse, Romans 8:13 ~ For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. I feel that. Then in the morning a sermon was spoke straight from God's heart, through a man's lips. That sermon was for me. I'm sure others too, but for me. Even personalized. With the verses God gave me when we moved to this town..... I know the plans I have for you....and with verses about fear, which I succumb to so easily.
Today was encouraging. I feel humbled by God's presence and reminded that greater is He that is in me, even though I feel brought down by some who don't know him. But then there are those surrounding me that know God, and I need that fellowship. I can't wait for the fall. It is a time of renewing. A time where it gets cold and we all get close again and remember where our focus is.
I need to remember to love out loud, and to cry out loud.

grrrrrr

I am frustrated. I am trying my hardest to love and care for my kids and I meet resistance. So what if I am over protective... if my kids don't almost drown, don't get sick on cake, don't get so tired that they crash, don't get to run wild until they need stitches. Isn't it my job to protect them. I try my hardest not to smother them but I don't say what the heck, we ate cake until we were sick when we were kids, fell down the stairs until we learned, never wore our seatbelts, and we turned out fine. And these are mild statements. I know some of the parents that wish they just watched their kids a little more. And why is it so bad to care. People get right mad at me. I am so tired of this. I can care for my kids however I choose. And if I don't, I feel like I could die. I can feel my son falling down the stairs, I can see my daughter throwing up from sunstroke.... I don't ponder this. It hits me. Until my heart feels like it will stop.
My husband says I can choose my reality. Sure. I choose to have flash thoughts about driving off a cliff by accident and therefore feeling in reality like I am going to throw up. I sure do love choosing to live like this. It's great. Add sarcasm here. I ask my help, what can I do. The answer is all the things I can't have. You need to sleep.... impossible, with three kids taking turns waking up from growing pains, teething, bad dreams. You need to take time for yourself..... impossible, I come last and have task upon task to do.  Do something for you- that fuels your soul..... I wish, I can't even get a minute to pee half the time. And then there is the fact that I don't feel loved or heard..... add that on to gash away at my soul.
I did get a nap today. It felt great. I appreciated it so much. But then I realized that there were loads of dishes to do now that I slept, that my kids had been back out all day in the sun and were looking a bit sick, that I needed to make dinner since they needed to eat too. Then I had pee laundry to wash and kids to bathe so I could hopefully get their tired little bums to bed early. I get help randomly but mostly I am it. I wouldn't change having my kids for a second. I love them more than life. I just want a break and when I voice that out of a desperate cry not to lose my mind, I feel scorned. I could demand what I need but by then I am too tired. By then I am angry and defeated.

A little sober.

This morning I am sober. Figuratively. I feel a little better. One step ahead is a load off of my shoulders. You would think that past things should be trivial but time doesn't heal. God heals. I don't know why I feel better. It doesn't change anything in the here and now. It almost makes the here and now worse. Almost. But it makes a bit of me better so I guess that is moving in the right direction. I feel a change coming and the month has changed. I love that. I love to turn over the calendar and wait for what's in store for the new days ahead. August is one of my favorite months. It is also the month that I lost MacCrea. August 26th. Six years it would be. That is crazy. I hope that this month it is good. And warm. In the North it is when the fall leaves begin to come. I miss the North this time of year. It is soothing.
Here, I am hoping for warmth. Our fence is almost built and I would love to get a fire pit so we can stay out late in our new yard. It is beautiful and the light post out front keeps the yard lit all night. In daylight the kids can run in their perimeter and we can just sit and enjoy the view.
These things are inspiring and make ambition return. They make me feel creative. Yesterday I wrote in my prayer journal instead of a third post. Some things you can only express to God. He won't misunderstand you because he knows your heart. And then came the scripture... Psalm 103 over and over. I am not feeling strong lately but God always reminds me that He is. Anyways, now to wait and see what's in store for the month. I do know that there is a new babe on the way in our extended family. This makes my heart happy. I have some quilting to do....

Bittersweet.

My friend's are my cloud of witnesses. Surrounding me on this weird day. An unspoken protection. Maybe even subconsciously. I love this. I didn't realize it right away. I see it now. I love my friends.
And today was definitely a strange one of sorts. Not over yet but in a moment I think today has been a change. I felt it. I think I might have contributed to this. I sent a small message. Just a random thought of correction. It had huge meaning. It feels nice. It is like the part where you say, "I'm sorry and I love you," and then you breathe tears and then you hug.  Now I am really putting myself out there for those of you who know what I am talking about. And I am not meaning to be inappropriate at all. I will cling to reality in these thoughts.
Have you ever seen that show, There's Something About Earl? Where he goes to the people he has wronged in the past and tries to fix it all. He can't, and it goes all wrong. But in the end there is a change and it is better. It is like that.

Holy mess.

I can't even begin to sort through the waves of emotion crashing over me. I am such a mess. I long to grab hold of the tide that will pull me out, away from the rocks. I might just fall head-on, over the rocks and be drug under water. Why is it so hard for me to make the decisions I want to make, if only in my heart.
I wonder if I had fixed up these feelings a long time ago, then maybe I wouldn't be in a raging storm. But I know that probably isn't true. It doesn't matter. I have a love/hate relationship with trials. I love them for learning me to be better. I hate them for the wicked scars that remind me.
At this point I am standing at the edge. This is an extremely dangerous place. It looks pretty in spots, but the rocks are just below the surface. Their powerful jagged edges saying, "this is no place to jump in...." They echo their words as a warning. I stand at the edge for hours. For days. Contemplating consequence. Contemplating how I care either way. I long to care. Then I am tired and long not to care.
This is where the weather turns. It has to. I want to force it away but it has to run it's course as with times before. And the truth is that it will change. For the better. The tide will rise above the rocks, if I can just hold on until then. If I can just learn to be still and wait on the tide.

Tortured reality.

I am a tortured dreamer. I wait for them. I want to go back into them and finish the dream. I don't think that this is unusual. To want to make the dream work.
I treasure my friends. I hold a place for anyone that has been close to me. I don't like to let go.
I think that is where the tortured dreams come in.
I often dream that someone is coming back. Turning time. But then the tortured part. I have moved on. I am torn. I want to make it work. I want to fix the torture.... but I have to let it go.
The waking up part sucks. It messes with my reality. I miss whoever I have been dreaming about but they aren't around and couldn't be. Won't be. And if they were, my reality would be just like my dreams.... I would have to let go, move on.
I have moved on... but when they come back in my dreams, it reminds me of what is gone, or lost, or missed.
I don't mind changing the relationship. The way we interact. The time we spend. I just don't like disconnect. So, if you are my friend. You are always welcome, you are always loved. And if you feel like this is strange because you haven't seen me in forever.... I have met you in my dreams many times.
One day my friend, one day.

Creative cold.

It feels like autumn today. It is only July. It makes me want to put on a warm sweater and quilt. I love the fall. I just would love some summer sun to store up for the long winter. And my kids are restless. There is nothing going on. No programs. No school. And I can't really quilt. Life is too busy. In fact I can't even leave the room without someone fighting, crying, screaming, sneaking something they aren't supposed to, making a huge mess. I haven't had a break for a loooong time. I don't even want one. I am too tired. I can't wait until our fence is built so I can let the kids run and just sit. Sit and stare and relax and soak up some vitamin D. Would a weeks worth of good sleep, some vitamin D, and a getaway (even for a few hours) help at this point? Then maybe my body would match my ambition and I could quilt.

standing alone.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. Really happy. I see glimpses of it. I might even know how to get there. It can't be recreated. It just happens. From happy things. Even my happy things are tainted. And I just want to cry. If I can just cry then maybe I can be happy again. This is the feeling that has come. I don't like feeling stuck. I don't like feeling in a cloud. A protective cloud of nothingness. I don't know when I started being angry. I hate being angry. I have forgiven the angry stuff but I can't go back and fix those places. They have left scars. Unhappy ones. Sometimes I think about going back in my mind. Scenarios's that just make it worse. I can't go back. I am stuck in forward. With scars. With decisions that drag me down. I can't rise above because my path is twisted and I can't be stronger... maybe as strong as I was, because my leg is broken. Or my heart. That's it. My heart is broken. In many pieces. And I lost those pieces. I miss those times. Those people. Those places. But I am changed. Maybe for the better. But not stronger. And now I am unknown. I have to start all over. I have to be me. I want to be her again for awhile. Or her. Me hurts. I am alone. Except for Jesus.   

Antisocial.

My heart is on pause.
I don't want to pursue friendships right now. I am waiting for my new home. I have so much on my mind. Between that and the beautiful sun staying out late, I am avoiding early bedtime. I am tired. I am disappointed in relationships too. So I am avoiding. I am avoiding functions... avoiding doctor's appointments...avoiding. I just want to stay home and rest. I wish the kids would let me rest. They are social creatures as well. I am having too many anxiety attacks. They feel beyond anxiety. Sometimes I wait for my heart to stop beating. It feels like it might. Sometimes it is good. I feel like it is such an easy fix. Some good times. Some big hugs. But those times and hugs aren't coming. I wish I could make some understand what tears a person down and what builds them up. Look at yourself. What does it for you? I just need some kindness, thoughtfulness, unselfishness.... I don't want to feel devastated from things going on around me. I feel like I might yell at someone out of disbelief of how they are acting. Maybe I am just down. Overloaded of life. I am not sure. I will just stay home.

Like this....... (Gateway Worship - Revelation Song - Kari Jobe)

Wrecked of this world, bound for glory.

In my car, in my house, I worship big. Arms out, dancing, singing loud. My kids do too. In church I recluse like most others. I worship inwardly. It is reminiscent to the relationship that I have with my husband. The intimacy at home is shared between me and God. I can be real. Be trusting. Be content and joyful. When we go home (to Heaven) I am sure that all fear, shame, hurt will be stripped of us and we will (and will be able to) worship as a whole. Unburdened.

In twelve days.

Imagine a day with big dark blue rain clouds mixed in with warm sky. Over a lake. Golden fall leaves surrounding still on the trees. I can feel it. It is warm but comfy sweater warm. It is my home. Or at least it will be. I have a palette on my mind. We bought our farmhouse. A little home on an acre. It is so peaceful out there. It all came together last minute. But it all came together.
It has a little work to be done but it is ours. We can take our time. I am trying to ease into it. To not worry. To not let my mind wander over the things that could disturb my peace. I can't wait to settle in.
There is a wall to be built. Maybe a fence too. A deck repair. A deck with a view. Then paint. Lots of paint. With colors like farmhouse white and antique tin.
But I have to try and stay in a state of calm. Where change used to inspire it now sometimes does not. I am hopeful and excited. A place to feel settled. A place to be peaceful. A place to breathe the fresh air.