A woman's choice.

Awhile back I started doing a search/study on what God says about children. I know they are definitely a blessing but I wanted to find some inspiration- to force some change. I am too often impatient and overwhelmed. Out of that grew something that I have believed but is now going deeper and being refined. First off, I was inspired by Ephesians 6:4 which in part says... bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.... Words that came out- training, teaching, nurturing, admonish, by the word of encouragement. Amidst this I started to plan to homeschool. The next thing that happened was interesting in the way it has played out in my life forward and then backwards.
I have been against common birth control for quite awhile. First off, it makes me sick. Secondly, when I had my second miscarriage, I was sent to a gynecologist who flippantly told me that birth control (any pill you take) causes your uterus to change and you may be able to get pregnant but the baby will not be able to grow properly. Hence, this probably caused me to lose these babes as each one was conceived after being on the pill. (My healthy kids were not.) But something else started to bother me, and that was the want for more children but not trusting that it could happen or should happen. I actually said to my friend at one point this year, " I don't know if I should wait awhile and have another baby, or if I should just let God (pause) be in control."
This was a perfect statement to come out of my mouth and to lead me to search out the next discussion with God, that being, what does He think about childbearing. Words- children are a reward, a blessing, be fruitful, multiply. The only place that I see a refrain mentioned was when there was sickness. And then there is the story in Genesis 38 where Onan spilled his semen on the ground and kept Tamar from conceiving , and this was wicked in the Lord's sight and He put him to death. Makes you start to think. A reward that comes with blessings. I want that. I want to trust that my God works all things for the good of those who love him and keep his commands. His commands....
And here's the backwards parts.... I have always wanted a large family. Since I was six or seven playing MASH (thank you S for reminding me what this game was called), I have always said I wanted five, seven, nine, many kids. My desire has always been for that and this trusting in Him would just be fulfilling this desire, without fear. Without caring what the status-quo is. I have never feared about the providing part because God says he will provide. So what does He say about about the other parts?? ......... Once you know, it is your decision to believe or reject. This is a biggy but I have taken a few little steps towards giving in to God. And it isn't just about having many children, but trusting that my God has a plan and a purpose for what He says is true and I can trust Him. I choose to do just that.

The next chapter.

Dudes (yes sometimes I say dudes, I was an eighty's child), my God is amazing. Our summer bible study, which is Kelly Minter's Nehemiah- A Heart That Can Break, started off smashingly. It went so well and of course, not how I imagined it would. And God gave me a picture to go with it- I want to share....
It was a picture of an old broken down wall. A wall not of brick but so old it was made of stones and mortar. The pieces of stones had broken edges and faces, the mortar was disintegrating, and a jagged edge across the top. A hand/arm was reaching in and pulling out the broken stones, and with authority, replacing the rock with gems. A large ruby here, a sapphire, an amethyst of purple, and a turquoise. Building up the wall strong and shining.
This is a picture of our God. He is making everything beautiful in time. He doesn't just rebuild our lives with new stones and say, "There, you are all back to the way your were." No, He makes those broken places into beauty. Beauty for ashes. Strength for fear. Gladness for mourning. Peace for despair.
And He let's us be part of the work. Yeehaw! Haha.

I will go.

Here we go. I am so excited. And I am terrified. I saw it coming, but then it is like God put on a blindfold and led me into the room that way so that it was more exciting when he revealed what was waiting. I am being obedient. I am saying yes. I am choosing to follow even though sometimes the pressure is overwhelming. It's called faith building. Stepping out without a clear view and then seeing a joyous confirmation as the clouds part. I asked for it. It was planned before. Here we go.

stormy nights

A storm came, literally, and God answered.

PSALM 139~
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.


I love.... before the world began, He had a plan.... and He hems me in like a blanket wrapped around me, and tucked in, away from the outside. I can rest in that.

a heart for encouragement

We (our mom's group) are starting a summer study. It is about Nehemiah; A Heart That Can Break. It is so fitting. It blends in to what is going on regarding changes this year. And it is a challenge- What has God put in your heart to do? I can't wait. We haven't even started but I have scanned over a few pages to the end and it is good.
My mind lately has been frustrated with this culture in our country. A complacent one. People that say, "It's just" often. It's just a tv show, it's just the way it is.... I think "it's just" is just an excuse. Excusing things that should not be okay as just fine because they are normal for us. Just because something is normal doesn't mean that it is truth. Anyways, I am sometimes no better, but I sure want to be. I don't think I will be in this country forever. I think that eventually I will be out on the missions field. It seems to me that purposeful people have an easier time of striving for excellence in their lives and for the lives of others. I do have purpose here at home, but it is harder to be encouraged in a place where you grew up. It is too familiar. People are too prone to settling back into a long-formed grooves. Although, I do  have to say that God can stir things up and He is.

the wait

I am a wreck this week. Geesh. I think it may because I am in limbo right now. I am waiting on good and am stepping in obedience, and struggling at the edges of it. I am seeing good things happening as I step. My mind is a battlefield. I can't wait to see what is happening. I have asked God over and over this year to build my faith, and he is faithful. I know I won't be left standing here.

bittersweet lament

Today is a hard day. So perfect. So planned. With whispers of promises. All of a sudden I can't see what the rest of the year will look like. It isn't clear anymore. It isn't layed out. I know it will not be the same as what I thought was coming. But this is good. A place where God takes over and molds a creative masterpiece- a beautiful work revealed in time. I have a heavy heart. A sadness for paths that separate, but who knows what lies ahead. Who knows if we will join up on the next journey. And this day is good, for the LORD made it.... and is in it.... and is for us....

transition

I am grumpy. It is a time for a lull, yet it is busy. I can't wait for school to be done. I can't wait for our summer study to start. I can't wait for it to finally be sunny for more than an hour or two. I can't wait for my husband to feel better. I need a boost. Waiting in hope often turns to waiting in annoyance. But, God has done so much already this year. I am just holding on to that fact and not giving in to giving up. The end.

inner turmoil

I feel like God is asking me to do something extraordinary. I don't want to misunderstand. I don't want to be naive. But, it keeps coming back to this. I feel like I have only one person to talk to about this even because it is not the "norm." I don't even know how to go about it or what will happen but I know that there are things planned beyond what I can imagine, from the heart of my God.
I don't know anything hard that God moves in until you take the first step. He woos but he does not push. When you finally step it is like a wind surrounding, beginning a movement bigger than yourself. I have seen huge things done, heart prayers answered, looking back in retrospect.
And then scripture echoes the same. A call and a decision. Those who walked past the hard moment did great, magnificent things. Those who said no and hardened their hearts, were passed by and God used somebody else for his glory and plan.
So it keeps coming back to this. I am trying to plan it in my human head but that brings delay, hesitation. A conversation needs to happen. I know this will bring a storm of talk and discouragement but God keeps bringing me back to this place. I listen to him first. I do hate the downheartening that comes from those words though. And today, I was reminded of a past time that attests to my heart prayers. I think this step will answer them all and bring me into obedience of a truth overlooked often. I am not ready.... but God is calling....

blind-sided

In this moment I am thankful for insight. For staying away from harm, even when most would take it lightly. And in this my child was kept from something despised and dark. I am so thankful that my God is faithful. I am overwhelmed with how close this came to home. I am so sad that this world has things that we have to shelter our kids from. They should just be safe and innocent, but the truth is they are influenced by everything and it is not all good. I love my kids. They take priority. In this situation, I know that I have made one good decision and am moving in the right direction with another huge one.
My oldest child turns six soon. That is big. I remember tons of things from the age of six on. Big things. Influential things. Character forming things. I pray that from here he gets to experience pure, lovely, noble, right, true things.
This situation, shock-scary as it is, builds my faith and my determination to move closer to what I want for my family. Now if I could just catch my breath.

the next

I think there is something going on. A movement. A rolling over of position. A drawing in of the edges. A separating and a refining. A rising of new leaders. A refreshing of purpose and a desire of new direction. I am so in.

In sight of love.

This morning as I was filling my body, and filling my soul (aka- eating breakfast, having a coffee, and reading my bible in my devotional time), I got some good news from a friend. I then got a cool thought-picture. I was reading right at the beginning of Ephesians. It says:
Ephesians 1:4-6~ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
I could just imagine God, sitting in the place where he finds quiet, and thinking on the world. But not just the world- all the workings of it and the people in it. He chose us in him before the creation of the world! Amazing. Did he sit there and ponder and create in his inmost self? He knew us and loved us. Did he imagine our faces and hearts, our hair color and life-filled eyes? In love he predestined us. Think on him creating and his heart filling as he thinks on us. I am continually blown away by these type of thoughts. God does not make a plan as he goes. He made us as he planned and his plan is ongoing, and not by the seat of his pants. His plan is purposeful and beautiful, and was first and last. Don't you want to know that God? I sure would and do. Mahal na mahal kita Jesus.

A guitar.

When I was younger my Uncle Hans and Aunty Sandy ran the Life House. A place for people who didn't have much to come and have a meal. There was fellowship too. They would open the big doors and leave them open. I remember sitting with my Uncle Hans and he would pick up his guitar and a binder full of worship songs. I always loved to sing and I would sit there all night if I could. I love these memories.
I have been thinking on this. My friend had stopped by to talk about worship songs and maybe jam a bit. We didn't get a  chance but now I am craving that. I would love to have some summer nights out on the porch with a guitar and our voices. A place where we don't have to follow the rules and flow of church time. We can just worship. I need to collect some new music too. I am definitely planning this.

Wrecked but clean.

I think we dance in the expanse between "I'm Not Good Enough" and "I Am Better Than." We rise up  and seek goodness and justice, and realize that we can't. We are humanly incapable of this. And then we dive into a free fall of giving up. Or wanting to. A week of chaos or sadness brings on a want to lay down and die. Or maybe not die but wait for Jesus to come and get us. The world says we aren't good enough. The church says we aren't good enough..... and God agrees. He does, not one of us is blameless. But, only He offers a solution. He Is. And so we realize that there is a thing called grace. That our want and dedication equals up to nothing without the integral part of our existence: God. A God who knows us and knew us before we were a thought to anyone else. Jesus who washes us from the inmost parts and presents us spotless. Clean. Not by our works. Clean.  

Little Oaks: The calling.

Little Oaks: The calling.: I have been reading through homeschool blogs and have read so many stories of mom's saying they were called to homeschool. I feel the same. ...

grassy fields

I am waiting. I am ready for change. I know it is coming. It is time to wait. Summer is coming. It is time to sit and sometimes kneel, to watch the growth. To see and nurture all fullness coming. The waiting not to be misinterpreted for staleness. In this waiting there is a hope, an expectation. The growth is intricate and you may not see the changes that are happening from the inside, or from the ground up.... one day you will look and see height and depth. And that is the nature of my God.

Fields of apple trees.

I am scrolling down on this blog of mine this morning and realizing something good. I began with posts of mourning. Writing of hurt, sorrow, anger.... I am now writing about hope. Promises fulfilled. This year, 2012, is good. A year of rebuilding. Of carrying on past the pain. Or rather, where pain has been healed. Scars are just the reminders of grace, and on this mountain I can see where I've been, where the path is still crooked, and where there is a horizon of joy to come. There are always rocks to climb but the view is a little bit clearer. I am so grateful to my God for that. Hugely.

of babes

I am struggling with something. It is making me miserable. But it's okay because I am on the edge and about ready to jump in....
In the beginning of the year I had talked about wanting to add a new babe to our family. Maybe. And then God started placing it in my heart to homeschool my children. I began to think that this was my baby. A huge shift in my family. A newness....
But now I am overwhelmed with a sense of want for more children. My body doesn't feel quite ready but I almost feel an urgency to give this over to God and let myself be whatever He chooses.
I feel like it is going to be one of those steps that I don't see the fullness of until I am there. I am feeling a push in my spirit though. I am reminded over again of what I have always desired- that being many children. I have searched out what God thinks about this. I believe children are a blessing, not something we are entitled to. I believe that when we trust God, he provides all our needs. I do not believe in common birth control and I am tipping even farther on that scale. I won't go into the rest of this all but I am feeling God saying.... Trust in me Tara and your joy will be full.
My human mind has twenty good reasons to keep on as I am. My spiritual mind has ten better ones to change this way. My culture is in defiance of both of these. I am not fearful in this moment but I can feel the joy rising up. I don't know how to make this change happen or when, but the more I argue with myself, the more I hear God's truth. I believe it. All of it.

I am breathing big deep breathes. Encouraging fresh air. Straight from GOD. What a weekend. With fragrance of His glory. More insights, more promises. The storm has passed and it is spring. There is fresh greenery. And beauty emerging....
We went to get resources for the lives of our children. To teach and encourage them in the way they should go. We received encouragement about the way the LORD is leading us. I am overwhelmed still of His goodness. Seeing more of the picture, more of the story.
My prayer now is for authority through Him. To not let the weary bring us down, but to let GOD bind them up and draw them into this sweet place. I can't wait to watch. So wait I shall.... Amen.

a full heart

I need to gush in this moment. As I am going through my homeschool prep and finding my estreams fit; that being my teaching style, my child's learning style, and my curriculum choices, I am overwhelmed to tears. As I read each concept and explore each path that I could potentially take I see, in full, answered prayers of my heart. I see words that I have expressed in prayer to my God, taking shape in reality. This is the character of my God. To know and hear and have a plan unfolding beyond my understanding. A way to change things without being able to see the way in my own will. Then realizing that God is forming it ongoing, retrospectively, and in expectation of finality.