Back to the grind.

Back to the grind. I am home again. It went so fast! Back to school and cooking and cleaning and refereeing. Distance brings clarity so I come home with that. I miss the North and my family friends there. I miss that the focus is family and togetherness. I miss the church that is mature and firmly planted. The church family that is rooted in just that, family. I am glad for my friends here that are close but I am almost bracing for a change that I don't want to see. I don't know where it is going. I see weeding out and giving up, and letting go, whether good or bad. I long for some stability. I don't want to sit here anymore. I want to dig in and seek truth to it's fullness. I don't want to waste away into the mundane and stop growing up. I don't want to give up myself.... to remember it is not by my works, but His, that things change for the good.
I see clarity in family too. An ability to let go more. A want to cling to my husband in friendship. To do more that isn't program but just shoulder to shoulder togetherness. I see a break in discipline regarding beliefs and that is so confusing. Do I let things go more or do I become stricter. Either way I need to remain calm and speak with love and a gentle spirit. With respect. It is always hard to step up when you are tired but being the first to plow means you are the first to see growth. Life is wide open right now in many areas. It could go either way. Prayer it will be, as always. Different issues, same faithful God.

God, bring major changes in our lives, in my family's life. Turn us to the way that is good, the way that looks upward. Let us not stumble with self help but let us look to you. Years of normal doesn't always mean truth. Weed out the useless and rotting. Bring light to truth. Open understanding to areas that are off and let them fall off of our shoulders. Show us heart issues and whys so that we may encourage each other out of our struggles and into freedom and truth. Let us be encouraged at the light that we see and bring it home. Let us not despair at the dark patches. Father God, Redeemer, turn our heels toward each other and turn our eyes upwards. Turn our hearts towards you first. Give us an attitude of humility. Let us no longer cling to the safest but let us reach for the falling and the not-like-us in our lives. Bring a family togetherness in us that extends to the influences and influential in our lives. LORD, thank you for being God. For being over us all. Don`t forget us in our sin. Heal our failings and turn our sadness into joy, even when we deserve our dark consequences. Thank you for your unfailing love. Unfailing. You are not a liar. You are trustworthy. Mahal na mahal kita.  

Flying

I am here in the North. This place has always been my retreat. A life changer, dangerous and gracious both. I am hoping to come home after much rest, with a renewed perspective on a few things. I need to get a little ahead for the sake of some patience. I need to rest for some healing of my body. I need to be on the outside of the swirling everyday in order to make changes for the inside. Big ones. Books are in the middle of being read, plans talked about, and new dreams springing up. I need to learn to let go and a little exhaustion has pushed me past my fear to do just that. A reminder of letting my LORD take his place of in charge, not that He ever lost it, and seeing what happens in the letting go.

mudd (an older post never posted)

I just can't seem to get ahead of it all. Can't seem to find some patience. Some hope. Despair is lingering. There are moments that I think I can drag myself out of this mud but the climb is sliding dirt.... or maybe it's the guy stuck behind me.... he keeps dragging me down. Doesn't he know if I could just climb out, I could help him too. Maybe he should go first. There is rustling above us. Scurrying of men in arms. People are gathering, angels are declaring war. A plan is put in motion for rescue. At least this is all that there is to hope for. Or I could just sit in this darkness. I can't see anything, can't hear anything, and it is disorientating. I know that He is standing beside me. The calm one. The faithful one. The one that could fill this pit with water and turn it into a well. That would be one way to rise on out of here.

A boring introduction.

My husband is sending me away. I am heading north to one of my fave places, Aunty Diane's house, who I don't ever really call aunty actually unless I am talking to the kids, and alot of the times call mom. I can't wait to see old friends and just rest. I need a rest. I haven't had one.... ever. Well, since I had kids. I am never away for more than a few hours, other than one night away with my husband quite awhile ago. I am tired. I am so tired that my body hurts no matter how much sleep I get. Five pregnancies in four years and three kids later, I am done in. Keiran turns three on Tuesday, and on Wednesday I am praying for safe travels and for peace.
I am also praying that this is a God appointment. I have been in the middle of chaos for far too long. I can't talk myself out of it or will myself to change. I am impatient most of the time and this is partly because I am tired and in pain. It took me a week to convince myself that I can do this alone. I need to start doing this more often. I need recharge and I feel like no one gets that. I am always asked how long I will be or can I go here and there. I need a moment to not think about tasks and more moments to rest. I also need some care. I need people to lift me up and I don't think that is selfish- I will surely give it back too. I need God to work some change and give some perspective while I am away, both to me and my husband. I want to find that patience so that I can build up my home; build up my little ones, and bring in some more maybe. I am feeling restless and I want to force some change.
This year is a faith building year, as I have said before. It is good- straight from God. I am at a standstill and waiting to move. Struggle only means I am striving for more. Even in this silent lull, I know God is working a plan. If I look around I see too much to deal with but if I look back even to the beginning of this year, I see how much He has done. I do not believe that he will let this year fade out. One month to go.

Winter stirrings.

I am going nuts over here. I think it is good nuts. There is a sense of expectation and that is always a good thing. My brain is wanting to bust out some walls and expand this house, or even find a bigger one. I am in need of money- not money for need but money for projects and growth in this family. I know these things may never happen, but a girl can dream. Dreams give me some hope around here. I think Gemma is hoping with me. It is pretty funny. I told her that Daddy wants a bigger house if we have more kids and she says, "No my sister can share a room with me, it is big enough." Exactly. I agree Gem. We shall see. I know we maybe shouldn't have said too much about all this, even as I think of the limitations that are being set on the "when" or "what has to happen" part of this all. But, my kids know it's a maybe. I am forcing some physical changes in my house and God can change the spiritual parts. First up, a new dryer and a new bootroom. :) 

new life plans?

Something weird happened this week. Shocking. I have fallen in love with two children that are not my own.... yet. Now, this could just be the start of something but this has been surprising. I may not ever meet these kids but God has planted something in my heart and started something in my family.....
I have left the child bearing decision up to God. He has seemed to close my womb right now. I am good with that either way. He is trustworthy.
I have started to see children in their full humanhood- as people with a purposefully planned path. Not that I didn't before but God has started to show me more of who each of them are, and how to nurture my own to Him better.
This week I was looking on the waiting children list. I have looked before. I had no desire to adopt unless it was certain circumstances- a relative, a child saved from abortion, a friend in need. I started looking through what adoption in BC looked like with a friend in mind. I look through this sometimes and have always thought, "This is not for me." I was never drawn to any kids and always was overwhelmed with how hard the situations were.This week was different. I was drawn to two names; a brother and sister sibling group.
And then I read on.... The girl is a year younger than my daughter and the boy a year younger than my son. I have always wanted a sister for Gem and always see five kids in my household. These kids want pets and a big yard, check. They have been exposed to alcohol prenatally but are doing well so far- but this does not bother me one bit as we have dear friends who have experience with this and have taught us that nurturing and teaching makes all the difference. I can't believe how they are seemingly a match for our family.... or rather us a match for them.
My thoughts go to my husband who has a little more relateable life experience with this area and think he might be open to it. When I ask him, he tells me that he has thought about adoption years ago, and that he did not think that he would have children but thought he might adopt. I cannot believe that the ongoing conversation is favorable from his side. I am in shock. Are we really talking about this?
We both know the things that would need to happen for this to come into realness. One being finance, but I know that my God is bigger than all that. So now, it is in God's hands, not that it always hasn't been. I am looking around at the threads, although still loose, that have been being woven within this new story. This may be a new life turn for our family. We shall see.
And then one day my daughter says, " Are our kids coming today?"

The Perfect.

I am sad with stuckness. But a study is coming. It is time to dig in deep. God is never late. Ruth is about loss, love, and legacy. My sadness, my stuckness, is in these things. I feel like I am not good enough to lead right now.... but His grace is sufficient, so I go. An excitement stirs through the sadness of heart, for I know that my God is faithful. We aren't done until we're home. We never reach perfect, and even if we were to, we couldn't keep hold of it. What a bummer, eh? We will always be sinners, until we are not. Until we are home. Not one of us is without fault. But, alas, there is a hope.(Haha, who says alas- I think it is my son's classic English books giving me these thoughts.) One hope.         Jesus.        The end.

Rest

Had a little rough spat, but that's human. :) Can feel more change stirring again. More growth is coming. This is that year where it rains so much the trees get full and shoot up magnificently. Physically actually too (this summer), as well as spiritually.
I am looking forward to winter and that blanket of snow. It means a time of staying in, crafting, having friends over, and sitting in God instead of rushing around- or so I hope.
Starting a new Kelly Minter study of Ruth next week with the core and some more. Love these friends and can't wait. Things have somehow settled at home too. There is a lingering of yuck and dirt but it'll get shaken off again as I start digging into truth. These times of laying down too long need to get fewer. Or at least when I lay down, I need to rest in God and not in giving up a bit. My life is still divided a bit but it is time to start huddling down together as a family and building up inside. Yeehaw.

One good reason.

I am grumpy. I don't feel like being thankful, even though I really am. For so much. For not having to be overwhelmed with evil from Halloween. That this flu is calm and there are no fevers raging. That we have a beautiful acreage accompanying our home. That my husband has work that God provides and I can be a mom. That even if we don't have a turkey feast, we have food- always. That God has shown me favor this year. Heck, maybe I shouldn't be grumpy. I have prayer that changes things and a place to go to fellowship freely. I have friends and family and hope, even if they piss me off sometimes. Even if I piss myself off sometimes. I have a God, the God, that is merciful. The most good reason.

Weirdness

I am having such a weird week. I feel like I am in an inbetween. I haven't seen the besterfields in forever it seems. I need a push. I did get to visit a friend this week though, inbetween sick kids. I needed that. I feel like I am waiting and not being heard and lingering too long. In limbo. 
Writing helps me sort my thoughts but I don't have anything left to say. Just waiting.

Straight talk.

I am a little bit of a wreck.
I have been talking alot about walls. (You can thank our summer Nehemiah study for that).
These things are true in my life literally right now so you don't have to read between the lines or worry about me crashing:

--> I am ever-increasingly thankful for God's leading to homeschool. Every month there is some part of it that I did not see before that is good and purposeful. It brings me joy, added on and running over.

--> There is a reason that scripture warns about unequal yolking- it is torture and this I knew beforehand (but that is for another post). It is not fun being a Christian with a unbelieving spouse that you love, but that has different spiritual thoughts than you. And this comes into play hugely once you have kids- sometimes not until then.

--> Just because I am having a bad day, moment, month, and have been crushed a little, doesn't mean that God isn't working change in my life. This is a good year. This is a year to write down. God is not finished with it. With me. I cannot give up.

--> I find it so weird to be soaring in some aspects of life and laying face-down in other ones. That is tiring. It is like a start/stop/start/stop feeling.

--> I am getting a bit angry and that is a warning sign. Angry means wall I think. I am trying to be humble about this all and to choose to be in charge of myself, but as of this moment that isn't happening very well.

--> The flu is in our house so everyone is grumpy, especially Mom who is tired and doesn't like to be stuck in the house.... but that means I have time to potty train, finally. Haha. 

One crooked side of the wall.

I was thinking awhile back that my husband didn't sign up for this; for a wife striving for God's purpose in her family. We didn't have a family then, but my heart light was shadowed. I was then thinking that he loved me at my worst. Or at least the end of my worst? It was not good anyways. Did he know it was my worst. Probably not. I put up walls. Huge ones. I needed them. Too much pain and I needed to shield myself from any more. The funny thing about walls is that they work. They keep people out, they keep pain out.... but they keep pain in too. I think by trying to keep out any more destruction, I kept out any growth. God was there but He in me was shadowed from the outside. There are many blessings that came out of those curses now, and changes from lies grasped in my hand that I could not see. It is just too bad that all those walls happened. Then one day I found myself shouting from the inside and those walls started to crumble. Anyways, you know that part of the story but now I am living on the other side, rebuilding new walls with gates, that are for truth to be held but not shadowed. I wish I was not building them alone. I wish I was the one doing the mortar and not the heavy lifting. But I am. Sometimes I just want to kick them in cause I am still hurting, and build them up at a better time. But that time would never come and besides this wall has a gate to let people in and let some light out.
....And then I see a friend, doing the same as me. Building up brick walls. Only her eyes telling the truth. You can't grow in darkness and I want to warn her. I can't. I am on the outside of the wall. But every time I see her eyes I can feel that scream cry from the inside. I know it too well. I just want to carry her for awhile.... but I can't. I already have a load too heavy to handle and if I reach out, I might drop it. Can you build a friend's wall? I can build a friend up, but there is a crowd forming and I can't get through. I need a quiet place to help. I am not strong enough to push through that crowd right now.
And what right do I have to say anything. I am not better than her. I am barely made whole in grace. Slipping in and out of hope. Hope in my redeemer. Slim to none in my situation. But God is above both of ours. I am waiting for some help. Maybe I am the one who needs to be carried. I am doing a bad job of holding on and I think my wall is crooked. Prayer please.

brain sick

I should have stayed home today. My PTSD is showing. I hate it. It just comes on like a storm. I am fine and good and then the next day I am trying to keep my car on the road and concentrate. I went to bed last night with images of curving roads flashing in my head from trying to hold on all day. I wanted to sleep but I have to wait until I stop shaking, or I pray that I fall asleep fast before my heart stops beating. Wow, that it really bad now that I said it out loud but it's been the norm for me for a long time. That said, today I should have stayed home....
I know when I have had enough. It's like the intelligent part of my mind switches off and the sensing part takes over. But it takes over thirty times stronger. I see in frames and I joke that I have mom brain but it is not mom brain, and it is not fun. I am so glad that we cleaned the house before we left today, and I am glad that the kids are settled into a movie, and I can rest for a few. I think I need to sleep and sift through some lies now. This day was off. Serious off. And yesterday I saw a friend that makes me feel sorrow and the need to reach out and grab her, mid air. That whole situation frustrates me. There are other things going on too, not to mention here.
I really do think that this month is going to be good but I feel a bit angry lately. Angry isn't good. I need to not forget how far in we are this year. It is time for the next mountain. Or maybe this time I won't have to climb. And is this really post traumatic stress, or is it fear trying to creep back in? Sickness coincides with starvation. My soul needs to be fed and my body needs to rest. I am staying home this month. And I pray that God makes the good happen, because I sure cannot. My hope is in Him. Good thing. My redeemer, He is faithful.

Magnets

I am angry tired. Sometimes it is easy to lay down for awhile. I am in a fight. A war. It is so easy to lay down. There are no walls to build, and none to tear down. But I am in a war. There is no laying down. Those who lay down die.
I am in double opposition to the enemy. Fighting for two truths but unable to uphold either one. It is like two magnets being pushed at each other, both too strong to connect. But randomly something happens when those forces are facing. One flips and pushing that way turns into attracting that way, with a drawing that sticks strong. No longer any pressure or opposition or swaying. Just a state of rest and oneness and sticking together. I hope for this picture, only because I know my God, and in Him there is hope.
Maybe I can lay down, just in a different way.... and let Him fight this war.

a heart of thanks

I had a chat on the phone with a friend this morning. It made me realize again how grateful I am to be homeschooling my young ones. I have thought that maybe one day I will send them back to school but the more I see from the other side, the more I think that I won't at all. The more I hear about what goes on in highschool, in grade five, in whatever, the more that I think I need to teach them until they are done. I mean college is a place where you can pick your school and your classes but public education is getting tricky. Fishy. Classes disguised as planning or health and career, which are really to teach sex. I am not an idiot and I think that is deceptive. I can't remember the other name at the moment but it was strange. And then there is the case with responsibility. The kids are given until the end of the grade to get all their work done. Where is the responsibility in that? I want my kids to learn that there are priorities. We say media and the family is declining and that is where the kids are getting their attitudes and disrespect. Well, what about school? I think that we are sending our kids to a place where they train them up all wrong and then wonder what happened. Man, are we dumb. We trust our kids with complete strangers and with a system that was falling when we were kids. We expect this to be part of their growth. It is part of their growth. The system: Grow up to be accepting. Grow up to be free. Grow up to be equal.... What they really mean is: Don't stand for anything. But do anything you want, moral or not. No winners, no losers, just be mediocre. Okay, I am being dramatic.... sort of, but is it really fair to send our kids to a place that feeds them with things contradictory to what we believe, or at least in opposition to what we believe because we don't fit into their box, and then wonder what happened to them. We tried so hard, we taught them so much. Did we?
I want my kids to learn: Acceptance means that everyone gets to be loved, not everyone gets to be right. Being free means being saved through grace and not of ourselves, it is a gift of God. I want them to know that when we make our own decision to choose that grace, we are then equal heirs, sons of Abraham.
This post isn't about preaching homeschool and condemning public school but we need to be aware of all that goes on when we drive away. I have only been homeschooling work wise for a month. I am sometimes unprepared or tired or second guessing my grammar (haha), but I am seeing so much change and grace in this that I have to share. That is what this is about. Taking charge of my children, nurturing a lifestyle of learning, and keeping truth in their lives. Everyday I am thankful, with joy, for some part of this journey. And hopefully everyday I will pray, and remember what this is all about and why we do it.

little women

My heart soars when I have a chance to build someone up. Encouragement is my gifting. Women are my ministry. I find great joy and restoration in this and from this. And I love to worship.
So here's the deal. I still feel unsure about serving with the girls, but I am taking it on, three weeks at a time. I asked God for a change in heart towards my children, for patience. I can't see fully what is going on but I do know that young girls are still female. They will grow into women. Who will teach them how? They need a mediator. Someone to say... "Have you prayed about it?"....  "Jesus stands in the gap for you." I have decided to take this on in part. I don't want to miss out on the fruit. I want to grow them up. I feel inadequate so I am going to have to pray more for wisdom and a teaching that is to their level. I want to speak to their hearts with care and with honesty. I want to know them individually. They are little powerful people. Used of God. Spoken to by God. I want to be eqipped for those three weeks with a word for those girls. I want to use my experience to teach from what I know, from what I wish I was told. And not speaking down to them or looking down on them because they are young, but urging them on to be examples in love, life, faith, and purity. This still feels like a big job but I choose to take it and hopefully God has more to say.... to me.....

Gah.

I need a moment to pray. September is fast and furious. There are double booked days everywhere. I have a heart for women, for family, for my children. I was not planning on taking on Kids Church. I said not this month at least, and it was given to me anyways. I have no joy there because I am tired. I am enjoying homeschooling fully and am loving the time and focus it brings towards my kids. I need the weekend to rest. I need rest day to rest. I am seeing no time for my heart when I am serving on Sunday. No time for my soul either. I have realized that once again, over the summer, I have lost my me time. Mom always comes last. I am only free to go to an appointment or a meeting. So, I need to pray. Homeschool= fruit, but where do I go, and what do I do for the rest of it all. I think there is great value in training up young girls to be women but is it time for me now? I feel like I have no ability to do this now, at this minute. I can see potential, I can see forced, good change, but I will not crash for the sake of my family. I said give me a month. I can see a side view of making a difference throughout a lifetime. Girls are young women. I have alot to speak into their lives that was passed on to me good and otherwise. I would love to be an influence. But for now I feel inadequate. And not hopeful inadequate either. I would like to give it some time, but I don't want to be stuck in something where I should not be. I am still confused. I wanted to wait for a month, I wanted to pray for a month. *Sigh. Too much work, not enough workers. Or is it too many lame workers. Should I see a need, fill a need? Or should I step out of the way and let God work? Oh, there is my answer. That is why I write. Now what do I do about it? Help, God....

Good fruit

Have you ever not known you needed something so much until you stepped into it. Something so God planned. A gift. A good and perfect gift. A gift that makes your heart soar. I am overjoyed in this minute. God has given us purpose in homeschooling. A way to change things for generations. A way to overcome and encourage. I am so overjoyed (in other words, "Praise the LORD, o my soul"). He has given us support in the form of a group of strong like-minded, strong hearted, women. I am overwhelmed with this sense of gladness/relief. There is a safe place for my kids to grow. There are people who have spiritual depth. There are actually "nowaday" mothers who love Jesus, and love kids, and stand for truth. Hallelujah. No really, hallelujah. This gives me tremendous hope. I am on a high and the thought is that I might make it home without being exhausted- I was thinking when I got to heaven, I was going to very tired. I might just find joy in the journey yet. Thank you friends. Thank you LORD. Mahal na mahal kita. (Add breathe of fresh, crisp, clean air here, and a misty-eyed Mamma with a little joy showing.)

A little sarcastic, a little "I dare you to move."

I have almost been discouraged twice this week. Twice. See there are changes coming and when that starts to happen people get uncomfortable. We start to take a step out and someone yells, "There's a new path over here!" There's a little bit of brush in the way and we can't see the end, and then we talk ourselves out of it. We loop around in our minds, and then in actuality. We talk ourselves into a circle. Like a herd of cows.
But don't forget that our God is bigger. We should speak out our plan... heart... frustration... and then leave it open. An open ended question..... a prayer. Maybe if something makes our hearts mad, makes us frustrated, then it is something that we are passionate to see to fruition. Maybe, just maybe, that can lead to a ministry. Maybe we can step out of our "I am entitled to" world and begin to have a servant's heart. Maybe we can use the word "missionary" as a person with purpose, instead of just for those people who have to take a plane to a foreign country, and maybe that will lead to a change of thought. Maybe we can weigh the needs of our family, community, neighbors.... children... and feed them. Feed them spiritually, emotionally, physically, according to their needs. Maybe we can stop being spoon fed for a day or a year and learn to share. Maybe we can make church about people and therefore not make it only for indoors. Maybe we can stop catering to the thought, "it's hard...." and start thinking on the thought, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.... the kind of strength that is immeasurably more than we can imagine...."  Maybe if there was enough money, time, people, uh... maybe if someone else starts it first, takes charge.... uh....  Wait a second. Is God limited to money... time... people.... strength....
I am not going to take leftovers anymore. Not for my kids. Not for myself. I am seeking a change. I don't have to move to do it, at least not farther than my knees. My God is faithful. I choose to put my faith where my mouth is.... where my feet  are.... even if I am waiting for awhile. I choose to be used, or God will pass on by and use someone else. I choose to put God before man and not let circumstance dictate my choices. I choose to find truth and hold onto it even when others are trying to confuse my thoughts. I choose to worship when no one is left standing. I choose to make choices and use my brain and spirit to weigh what comes at me, whether in church or out. I choose to choose Jesus back always. He chose me first, it is only fair.
So hey you in that comfy chair whose butt is getting sore from sitting for over an hour, what do you say? What is your heart? Who is it for? How can God turn that? Who do you choose?

??

No matter what happens, God is changing things in me. I am seeing the start from the beginning and not in increments... God's plan for us.... our faith walk.... our womanhood.... I am thinking that he may restore some really old things in my heart..... really old. Things that got torn out of my hands little, then older, then finished off as an adult. Put to death. I was not one to try again. I just walked out of the pain and never looked back. In all aspects. I learned to duck, and then avoid before the swing came (not literally, don't worry, but in a figurative sense).
These things are about children. Mine. Someone elses. I can't see this in full yet. I don't know what is going on. I am so frustrated. This is not a normal place for me. Frustration that is. I can fix it, pray it, something it usually. But I do have thoughts about a time when it was different.
We will see. God doesn't start something for nothing.