Vacay, homeschool mom style.

Tomorrow we are off to the homeschool convention (a friend and I, as well as many other moms). I can't wait to have some fun and to not have to worry about houses and children for awhile. My babe is all good and I hope and pray it is all kicking and stretching from here. It is a sunny day out there and I am ready to go sit on the deck and soak it up for awhile before hemming pants, cleaning bathrooms, packing bags, and soccer practice. 

always waiting for something

This pressure is getting to me. I cannot do my laundry. It smells like pee! I need to move. I don't want to move. I don't have money to fix the problem. What do I pray for? My 12 week appointment was not good. She could not find the baby's heartbeat. I go back in three days now. I hate this. Hate it. I saw this little bean moving and beating. Why is this happening now? I am too tired for pressure. It is snowing. That makes it all worse when it is April. We all need some vitamin D on our skin, and some freedom to get out of the house and into the warmth. I want some pretty and frivolous for awhile. Some comfort. Some extra just-for-you days....

frustrated thoughts

So I am going to ponder and hash this out for awhile. I love the history of our church. Not the bad stuff but the people who are there and I've known forever. The good that has come out of the struggle. I am wondering this morning, why have families left? A few have been offended by uncaring/ thoughtless words. A few because there is not enough for families. A few because there is nothing for the men. There is a focus outwards and people are being neglected. I think this is partly because there was a generation gone for awhile but there are a huge amount of families coming to this town for work now. Right now. Someone needs to start remembering what it is like to have children. Someone needs to care about the future. Someone needs to stop being tired of all that has gone on and start a new ministry. One that is straight from the heart of God's word.
This mornings message was good. From a man who doesn't have all the bindings of all that has gone on. A message about all the parts, and all giftings being necessary.
We have a wound in the body. A gap. The gap is the reproductive system. The next generation is being left to waste. I won't let my kids be wasted and if nothing changes, then I will.
Maybe we need new blood. Maybe new leadership. Apparently there has been no one to step up so the same ones stay put. Is this why it is stale?
I don't know what needs to change or can but I see it elsewhere so I know it can be done. Or rather, I know God can make it happen. Is anybody willing?
Bear with me while I type my frustrated thoughts. Pray if you do. I know some of you are part of this whirlwind....

One more thought.

You don't know how bad you need something until you see it. Or feel it. You can cope for a long time but eventually something has to move. I am see a recurring cry. An outcry for something that's missing. My thought is an old one. If you don't want to be used, God will use someone else. He will fulfill his purpose either way. Time to pray.

change please

I am tired of this town. I never wanted to come here. Then I was glad to be here and healing and with a close group of women. Things have again changed so much now and I am needing a change. I am ready to move on but maybe God has other plans still for this town. For us.
I am so disappointed with our church. I believe the purpose of church is for fellowship. (And not just for programs or drop bys.) I want to interact and encourage and be encouraged by others of all ages and stages. I feel like there was a chance to step up and it was passed by. There is no place for family in our church and so families keep leaving. No place for young men and so there are no young fathers. It didn't use to be this way. I don't fellowship at our church. I go and the kids enjoy it but I barely say my hellos and go home. There are no invites for lunches because most go out to dine. If there is a potluck, I sit by myself with the kids and eat in silence which turns to frustrated sad anger before I leave. Why? Because there are no families and no one interacts beyond hellos, at least not outside of their comfort. All members stay in their groups and all seem to want the others around but there is no room. There are no home groups to take your kids to for bible study and so I usually can't go. The mom's group is spacing out even though there are quite a few on the sidelines. Something is not right. Something feels self serving. I am not just sitting here complaining either. I am willing to serve in my giftings, but I am not willing to be manipulated into a space of need until burn-out. I am willing to call on God for answers and I don't want to be dismissive at what can be done.
And these things expand even to family, and I am not alone in this. I hear "We have our own lives" way too often. I miss the family atmosphere of the northern Mennonite backgrounds, where families are not pushed out onto their own but added onto. Where children are welcomed and help and hospitality are huge. 
Anyways, some things go even deeper.... Something needs to give.
I am greatly discouraged as yet another family says goodbye. I long for a city life where there is more for the kids. More to grow. More stability. Or I need God to make a big change here- only He can. 

fruitful labor

I am honored to carry another sweet babe. I saw him/her wiggling away on the ultrasound, heart beating. I love big families. I have wanted many kids from the time I was a young girl. When I was a teenager I met a family with ten children. I did not know you could do that... then I wanted even more. As I have had babies and felt the nine-month-long sickness that comes along with it, I have struggled in this dream, but I still want a big family. What a blessing. A little struggle for nine months or so for a lifetime of having a family. And even more, generations ongoing that you may not even meet until heaven. It is not easy to to bear or raise kids but it is so worth it. So when I get told I am brave for having another, maybe I am. I do not have more patience than another. I am not rich. But I know God provides in every aspect. Each child is a heritage, blessing, reward.... God does not lie and his word says that. Maybe the questions should be.... "Why aren't you having more children? Don't you believe God? When did a big family turn into a curse?".... but I won't say that cause that would be rude, and I often want to give up too. It has been hard, but after the hard, there is joy. I pray this baby is a strong one. I can't wait to add on.

The call.

I finally got the call and will be having my ultrasound on Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I feel like I expect nothing. I hope that I will see a dancing little bean. I remember that with Gemma. She was wiggly dancing on the screen, at nine weeks. So small, but so alive. A relief. Nine weeks! God is a God of wonders.
 I was thinking in church the other day as I sang the favorite words of Psalms, "Praise the LORD, O my soul," that in fact there were two souls inside this body rising up in praise. I pray that is what I get to see on Wednesday....

A soothing old friend.

I am almost eleven weeks. Almost done my first trimester. Waiting for a call about an ultrasound. Having twisted old familiar dreams. In a strange space today. It's that change feeling. Change is coming. Now for the waiting.

uneasy

Yesterday I felt fine all day. A bad taste in my mouth before bed and this morn are all the holding on that I have. I am a little nervous about whether or not I will carry this baby. If I feel fine, I am usually miscarrying. The kind where there is no sign until an ultrasound can tell you if the little heart is still beating. I hate the wait of the first trimester. (But I also don't wait in silence as any baby is a joy, however long they stay.) I don't like the anticipation of an ultrasound. I am not sure if I should wait but I am not ready for the hard part if that may be. I am hoping that the Diclectin was just working unusually well. I am hoping that I feel sick today or I will have to force myself to go to the hospital at some point this next week. Waiting too long can cause problems and I have A rhesus negative blood as well, which can start fighting in my body if there is any blood mixing. Why must my pregnancies always be bittersweet? Anyways, God is in control and I trust him. I just hate the wait. I hope I can keep this babe. I don't want to start over again. I always wanted more babes. I have such a struggle since this part is so hard. It is not time to be concerned yet.... just time to pray and wait a bit. 

The worst for the best.

The worst thing about having the baby flu is....
- that the garbage doesn't get changed, the laundry doesn't get folded, and the dishes don't get done.
When these things don't get done it upsets the balance of all things and causes a tidal wave affect.
So to all not pregnant family members:
Remember to clear your plate off the table, and scrape it. Please wipe the table down before everything turns to glue. Do not throw cereal on the floor and if you drop it, pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Empty that said garbage when it is full- it will only get fuller, it does not decompose that fast. If you are looking for pants or socks or anything else in the laundry basket that just can't seem to get folded fast enough, please pick up all the clothes that you have scattered all over the floor so that it can be deciphered which is clean or dirty. Most of all, remember that your mom is not just resting, she is feeling like she has the puke flu and still has to function, eat, and clean, regardless. Step it up a notch and help out. If you wonder why she is grouchy, it is because she is watching you destroy the house while building up enough stamina to cook dinner.

bump

I was just thinking that this blog was done. I had nothing more to say on an ongoing story of childbearing. I was thinking of closing it down and maybe starting a different kind of blog. (And I do have a homeschool blog: www.bendingandgrowing.blogspot.ca.)
.... But the story isn't quite finished. Thanks to some pre-answered prayers, some stomach pains have brought forth a pregnancy. Yes!! So here it is. This is my announcement and a request for some different kind of prayers- for health and peace that results in joy. Haha.
I have the baby flu and am so thankful for that. I am not usually very thankful for crappy circumstances but being sick means that a baby is growing and I will be grateful for that big time. I am always grateful for that. Thanks God.

prayer request

I am having the worst stomach cramps. Please pray for me. I feel it in my lower left pelvis and across, like it is cramping in my uterus and then my actual stomach muscles start tensing. It is very unpleasant. I want healing from all this torture. I know this is possible through Jesus. I have been trying in my own strength to find the answers and have another doctor's appointment at the end of this month, but I want more. I want healing, completely. I think this requires healing of my mind, spirit, and strength. Peace and patience are required of me.... and trust, complete trust. LORD, come.

Abby

Abigail. A peacemaker.
The story: Her husband was selfish. A stranger looked out for him. He repayed good for evil. He didn't give a crap who helped him out. He didn't owe them anything. Sound familiar? Selfish.
But Abigail was a peacemaker. She tried to fix things. She ran ahead to smooth things out. To make things easier. Sound familiar?
And then she waited. She knew there was a right time to tell her husband all of what she knew, in order to keep his anger from coming. She was wise. She did what was right regardless. She won favor. She calmed the backlash. Peacemaker.
And she was saved. And so was the enemy that wasn't really an enemy to begin with. And her husband was saved.... but then he reaped his evil on his own head, and it killed him. The end. Well, for him.
She went on to be protected by the stranger. A king. King David. And she was cared for by the King. And she was cared for by The King. The real end.

Thought two.

Conclusion: My pain is stealing my joy. I cannot see any of it, as a cloud of despair surrounds my head. I was told to study Abigail, so off I go....

Kicked in the heart.

It is not a good day. I backtrack my words because they are too weary. Not for me, normal for me, but scary for you. I am chronically sad. I don't see a way out. I know my protector, redeemer, God but He is just and I am afraid I am going to be drug through the mud for awhile longer. Maybe forever. These are my consequences. Can't go back. I have lost so much. I feel like I am living my life like it is through glass, watching people I love but there is no sound. I am on the outside.

Roller Coaster

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster. We had to move out of our own home and into the Grand's. Haha, It was not grand. The plumbing broke there too, if you can even believe it!! With lots of prayer and impatiently waiting, we have a new pipe, replacing a broken one in our septic system. I am not sure where we are at now. I am a little confused and irritated. We had thoughts of trading up to a bigger house which would be a trade-off from our lovely property. It would be a shame to lose this great yard. Now it looks as if that house is sold and so I thought this was an answer; time to settle back home. I am still unsettled though. Maybe it's the aftershock of this stressful two weeks. Or was it three weeks? I like this charming little place but I am wondering if it is really fixed and functional. There is work to do to fix it up but that is always the case wherever you wind up. I just want to bust out some walls and put in new windows and such. There is no money for that. Not that I worry about that. That other bigger house needed work too but to sell would mean paying off debts, but only if we could sell high. I need a handyman for hire. Function is the word of the month and we better find it so I can rest. At least summer is coming and that means we can live outside more, be warm inside, and open those old windows. I am grateful to be home and I hope we are done making decisions but I am really not sure about that. I need someone to take charge, calm my fears, and make a plan. I need some comfort. Just when I find it, it is stolen. I need that to stop too. I don't know how on earth that is going to happen. *Sigh.

A Northern Chat.

I see that everyone is going through it right now. "It" is not fun. What makes all the difference is going through it together. I am good as long as I have fellowship. I am fine when I can talk it out and reason some normality. A good friend can make a heart happy, and a happy heart makes it better. A little joy is like medicine. Nothing might actually change but to be heard is huge. To be understood, essential.
Life is changing. When I think about the fact that I have been praying, and now it has gotten worse, I have hope. I know that could mean that the change is coming. Uprooting is not fun but it is necessary for change. It might look all physical over here at the leaky farmhouse, but I know better. I know Jesus.

Firm feet?

The year has started off with good footing.... but that is it. I am bracing and gathering and searching. There is a pressure now. I am fighting for change but there is pressure. Resistance, and things being thrown at us. I can do nothing. Our septic field is breaking down (which is major expensive and major to all the tasks that mom has to do in a day), our neighbor had a breakdown at our dogs, threatening me and standing between my kids and myself, and the Explorer is breaking down bringing a large expense as well. This is all physical but I know it is more too. There is also a challenging of ethics, morals, beliefs. That is nothing all new but still adding to the frustration. Things are lining up in ways, and other parts are being pushed.
Our Pastor talked about "watches" a few Sundays ago. About stepping out of the boat. I love third watch. The time where you cuddle babes. The time where you pray in deep quiet. But there is that fourth watch. It is dark. It is too late to rest and too early to get up. It's frustrating and tiring.
God must be doing something. I pray and hope that he is up to something. Maybe just a wake-up call. Maybe a bright dawn.

A friend sent a note too:

Psalm 121: 1-2
I lift my eyes up to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

I like verse three too....
He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber.

That ties in well to my thoughts. That is all from autopilotville.

 

We hug forward.

I am starting off the year with a blank page. A clean schedule. I have put off all programs and am focusing in on family. In specific, I want to encircle my husband. I want to do more as a family unit. We have been doing too much and for good, but it is interfering with what God has been asking of me in the past few months.
I still feel that you should do as you have been called to, asked of, according to your giftings (*check Romans 12:1-8). Doing otherwise feels oppressive to me and takes away from the places where I should be serving. I have felt the consequence to that in the last few months, but I rode it out anyways. An old lesson for me. I have no problem standing for what I believe in general, but when sharpened by another believer I find it hard. When this is from leadership it is even harder. Listening to man, when I know God's voice. 
Even though the year ended a little rough, I have felt a release now. It is like God was waiting for me until I did what I was supposed to do. The patience of a Savior, not bound by time. Even the book I was reading was not settling in, just words on a page. Now there is a shifting in this household.
This year was great. A year of building up of faith. Many prayers answered surrounding my life and others close to me. We started to homeschool this year; a fulfilling task with much reward. We learned how to take stewardship of our money in a better way. I got to see old friends back home and have rest. My youngest turned three- the year of understanding consequence and this means being able to do more as a family. We also started a conversation about adoption so we will see where that goes.
I am going into this year with a feeling of changed focus. The last few have been about rebuilding myself. This year feels like it will be about building up of family.... focusing in, encircling.

A painting. The start to a family picture wall that I am working on. I want to intermingle words of truth, promise, and scripture, surrounding pics of my family. Reminders and focus.  

Pep Rally of my soul.

My God turns curses into blessings. My God redeems lives. My God is faithful and the truest true. My God is big in stature and in wisdom. In fact He is wisdom. He made wisdom. My God is a noble protector. My God is loving, and not that wimpy wavering love, he is that love that pursues and overcomes all obstacles and fears. My God is able, and I mean more than able. He can take a seemingly despairing situation and turn it around until you are shocked into joy. He can take someone way out of left field and change their heart in an instant. He can turn a falling human into a minister of people dealing with the same failings, no shame involved. He is above all and under all. He hems me in before me and behind me. In his presence I am made whole and in his will my steps are ordered. There is nothing too difficult for Him. And He has shared with me that power, love, and sound mind. In waiting on Him my prayers are answered, and by trusting in Him my joy is made full.
.... Just a thought after remembering all that He has done....