a second to write

I want to learn to paint more. I have beautiful, metaphorical pictures in my mind that I would like to paint.
I like to quilt. I have ambitions to quilt for all of my kids and onward. I have a quilt and a bit to go.
I love to write. Writing is cathartic and I would like to write a book or two eventually. I have ideas stored away.

I want to investigate some counselling courses. I would like a career that helps people. My post-natal therapist inspired me and got me thinking. What one has been through, God can use for good.
I like to host tea. Getting together with friends makes life good and is essential for mamma health.
I love deep conversation. Small talk makes me uneasy.

I want to learn to cope better with noise and have patience. I need more quiet in my life, but that doesn't always happen with a houseful.
I like to take initiative when teaching my kids, homeschool and otherwise. Taking time to re-evaluate what is important, matters to me. There is nothing better than watching your kids grow well.
I love when we explore and learn together. Learning is never done.

I want to be involved with a ministry. Purposeful life brings hope.
I like to meet for bible study. If I invite you, it is because this is really my favorite thing to do. Scripture never disappoints.
I love growing in servanthood and perspective. I really love my God. I don't want to be stagnant, ever, it gets bad from there.

I want to adopt at some point, not quite yet. Aboriginal and close by, maybe siblings....
I like being a mother and encouraging other mothers. I have experienced saddening loss, and have experienced great hope through the birth of my children. They are the best gifts.
I love babies. The birth of babies make me cry joy tears.

..... It is Thankful Thursday. These thoughts make me thankful for the trials, gifts, family, plans, and hopes of what is yet to come. Count your blessings up and don't forget them. Share them with your children. Remind yourself of who God is and what He has done.

A Sincere Thought.

Life has been unwound. Home has been not-so-pretty in my mind and heart. It is not nearly put together around here. Many issues are having to be reworked in my thoughts. Next step plans are being made and sorted over. There is a lot of weighing going on. Honestly, when is there not, just sometimes it is a little more intense in content. In this there is prayer and counsel from the ones closest to me- sometimes a wise and loved friend who is untouched by the issues at hand.
I have been forced to sift once again. A question: What is church?
I am getting nothing settling. Or rather, I am getting circles of thoughts, winding back to the same inconclusive ones. In the past few days I have read up on 1 Timothy 3 (I won't type it out, but please read it).... a outline for leadership. It is clear but yet not giving me any peace. I have talked to an unbiased friend and have still been at a standstill. It is only in an unexpected place tonight that I have had my heart stir with an ease of God's voice.
A new question: Where is it that you can use your giftings?
In this my heart is stirred. Maybe we are all asking the wrong questions. Maybe we are all trying to find peace of mind in being served, when God has called us to serve. That doesn't mean accepting things that are unholy, but maybe in serving in our full God given places, we will overflow Jesus and move the hard places.
I have been and I am sure will be, concerned for the spiritual health of my children. I am responsible to be a steward of how they are brought up. I want them to have friends that encourage them. I want them to have people that they can do life well with. Maybe those people aren't just friends. Or rather, maybe those people aren't just peers of their same age. I am reminded that the most influential people in my life were not other kids. The people that exampled Jesus were; facilitators, worship leaders, pastors, teachers, and counsellors. They were women and men that overflowed Jesus in their lives. People like Donna Bromley and Ruth Young, mothers and grandmothers that brought young preteens into their homes and mentored them upward. There are many others that I can think of too, ordinary people inspired to use their God-given gifts for good. To build up.
Now, I am tired, and not just because it is after midnight.... but I find no restorative rest in anything other than Jesus himself. I would like to just move. I would like to search for the best of the best for my family. But the best is not a destination.
A question to ask: Where in my life can I use my abilities and God-given giftings?
If I am not being, or cannot be used of God, then why am I here? I want to live a purposeful life. I want to make intentional choices. I am not moved by others, and God can fill the spaces. This is not the conclusion of the issues at heart.... I am glad it is a start....

Almost Christmas.

God does not give us a free pass. God gives us free love. He does not take away the normal of the world, but gives us instead peace when we ask and greater joy in rejoicing. Being a Christian doesn't mean we are transported into a world protected from every thing that scars. It means that our scars can be used to help, to heal, for redemption. Nothing wasted. God does not waste anything. Every event is threaded into another, for purpose, used fully if we let Him. Even if we don't. He has the last word. He knows beyond the realm of our understanding. Being a Christian doesn't mean we are immediately perfected or expected to be. It means we are striving for more. It is an opening of our eyes to the vastness of God. It means an awareness of the extent of our evils. And most of all, it is a call to love. Beyond ourselves. It is a call to love because we are loved. Without borders.
And, it is almost Christmas. A reminder of this love to give.

What about the children?

I feel a bit of a sifting. Sifting is weighty business. I feel the adding on and building of new dreams. Or rather new callings. There is only one problem. I am at my end. God has to take it from here. It will take time, but God is in no rush. His purposes are full and intricate, weaved together. I am about faith, and we are about family, about being purposeful and true. Intentional. But at the end of faith, there is action. I am no longer looking at some foreign romanticized mission. I am looking at a broken, messy, aching need.
So for now there will be prayer. I first need to be a mom who displays loving-kindness foremost. This is hard. I am tired. I am impatient. I was raised harshly. I still feel the harshness searing me at times. It breeds fear. I am afraid of everything. But, I am also the Lord's. I belong to Him first and foremost, and His good love casts out all that fear. He has changed our home front when it comes to teaching our children, and we are in the midst of some good marriage deepening too. He is able to change the way in which I approach discipline. The way I react to disobedience, the kind that wears at you, day in and day out. It will start with something like this.... His loving-kindness leads us to repentance. And I will search Him out until I look back and see where I've come.
And then He will add on purpose to that, to this, change. And, maybe a man will change along side me- before or after. There is no limit to God. A path beyond imagination, as long as we choose "yes."   

He works all thing for the good of those....

As I struggle lately, I see all sorts of pieces. As I try to fit together God's plan in my human mind, I see bits of thread. I see where He's brought me, in one place. I see Him leading my children, gathering them up in the now. Big theological questions come from a little man body, talks of baptism, a Kid's Church lesson that has led to daily prayers- unguided, self-initiated prayers. And this morn, with my daughter, talks of decision. Faith in itself has been growing. And that first kindle of faith is where we start to believe. This is big. All these things are fruit. As long as there is fruit I can be okay.
I have been thinking of all prayers. Of lunch time prayers. I don't like meaningless speech. I don't like prayers that are fake and so I often wonder at the significance. Or maybe of where I can find significance- meaning for my heart. Of course, we are thankful for provision, but why in this way? I have been reading a book of thanks, of a mom that seeks out grace-joy-thankfulness. Is it not to forget- this custom that we do daily? I think a thought of the beginning. Does this go all the way back to when the Israelites had to trust God for their meal, for the manna? The "what is it?" And then they gave thanks, and carried on giving thanks. To never forget that the provision was given by God Himself. And why do we think that just because we can go get our provisions at want, that it still does not come from God Himself? This has meaning to me. This I can give thanks for- to remember, to practice, to never let our children forget- to teach them, to teach ourselves, that all this is from God's hand. From His very hand.
And as of late, I have had another thought. Of prayers unspoken. Of prayers that I never asked for, but needed regardless. Of a God who sees me and knows me, and knows better than I know myself. I see my husband who is a gentle man- a man who loves his children and treasures them, and does not easily anger. A man who frustrates me to no end with his inability to see the urgency in any given situation. But then, where is the urgency? Is that just me. In all this, God has given me a huge gift. A gentle man- father-husband. And, I am thankful. And, this is fruit. Fruit of a thread woven in by God.

His plan is greater.

I am self absorbed at the moment but it is all I can do to cope! Getting so excited and anxious. I had a good day yesterday. The Lord's will was for baby to turn and be head down. This means alot and was such a relief. I also bought some new music while in town yesterday and didn't realize that it was a worship album with some of my fave songs. Uplifting.

A pic is worth a thousand joys....

 

And my eldest son echoes something I have said.... "God has a plan for us...." ....:) 

Sunday

I am inspired, encouraged, on this great, slightly rainy day. It is hard to get up and think of driving into town every Sunday for church but it is so worth it. Inspired truth being taught outrightly, is relieving, and resounds with me. Sticks with me. I am writing it down as I don't want to forget what God is saying to me personally and continually. And today I am grateful again and also grateful that I was, at one point, beaten down so much that it seems the religion was beaten out of me until nothing was left but grace. It is when consequences force an unseen, but unfortunately chosen, humility upon you that you can't pretend perfection. You can't compare against others. You can, I can, only compare against the truth that is in God's word. There is no measuring up. But there is an abundance of grace. Ye-haw. *Smile. Today I am reminded of this. I was broken of my own doing and yet there was hope. I need to extend that grace and never forget. And never feel condemned either. I am not cast out. I am still here and still fighting.... and still growing. When I get caught up in the day, I feel discouraged, but when I look at how much God has done, I am reminded....
Oh, and I am super excited for my coming babe. Another boy. I am building an army. Haha. The thought of having three grown men in my midst someday brings me an abundance of joy, and I know that God is going to change our family in amazing ways. I can't believe (in a good way) that it is getting better and I am getting the desires of my heart- a large family.
So many thoughts.... so many at a heart level..... <3

Full up.

There is joy. And then, there is fullness of joy. Life is not grand. My laundry situation is still not working well. My husband doesn't understand me often. I am still impatient. I swear. But, there is a place where all of that starts to not matter again. A place where you know that your God has a good plan for your life. A place where you find that you have just stepped into the middle of one of those significant plans. This is probably going to be a marker year. I just had one of those for me, but I pray that I am right and that this is one for the whole family. I cannot believe what is going on, and that in a good way. I didn't know why there was this pause of growth. I have turned from frustration and digging, and I have found good soil. And some things are about to grow. I am full tonight. God let my heart bend to those plans.
I think I have just stopped climbing the path and am now putting down roots. This is a resting spot and not physically. Still work to come, but fullness of joy. I am so grateful my God. Mahal na mahal LORD.

Two thoughts.

This time of weighing has led into a time of reflecting. The weighing is done and we have stepped. I have now been able to let go and look a little retrospectively, as is helpful and brings joy in where God has been making the path clear, whether curvy, mountainous, straight, or whatever. This one was a definite curve but I am seeing where God has been teaching, preparing, and leading- one season leading into the next. If I can take a quiet moment, today this being as kids slept through the rainstorm on the drive home, I can start to see a bigger picture. The truths learned far in advance, are being played out here. Blessings are coming. This reflective thinking allows me to now see beyond the physical, to the enveloping spiritual. God hems me in behind and before. It looks like continuous seasons this way in my mind's eye and begins to cease to look like closures and separations. In this picture there is growth, and pruning, and dormancy, and then regrowth. God's hand is and has always been in it all.


My thoughts this week, which were brought up again today in part, are along the lines of this.... Too often we pray, "God hear our cry. Please work out 'this thing' in our lives. We believe You can do this thing."  And we even add something to the effect that if it is your will in there. But the reality is that "this thing" is equal to "our will." This adding on of "if it's your will" has often bothered me a bit and I am seeing a clearer picture of why. We need to be praying, "God we are crying out, work out Your will in our lives. What is Your will for this?" Seems simple. But are we willing to wait? Our thoughts and desires get in the way, until we can no longer stand. At that point when we have struggled enough in our own ideas, the prayer of letting go and letting God comes in, and in that, there comes great joy. When we stop to hear and see what God has in store, the benefits and blessings are grand. His will for us is always better and beyond what we can imagine in this physical place where we are at. So how are we to get to that state where we let go and can wait on God? Well, I heard a good sermon on that today.... (maybe I can find it, or I will leave that for another conversation....)