reading

I like writing. And I like reading. They go hand in hand, obviously. I love that these things are expressions of self. Of secret places. Things can be said more clearly and deeply when written down or typed out. There is an ability for things to become clear. Of healing to take place. I am reading a new book; "One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp. We will see where it takes me. It is brilliant and deep so far. I am contemplating what I will learn in the end.
Some of my favorite things are always: an inkling, and retrospect. Stay tuned for the latter....

Refocusing on the little.

I need a super refocus. I need to shed some things. I need to shed all the things that so easily entangle. The things that are okay but keep my mind in a million places when I just need to focus on simple tasks in front of me. I think it is time to stop networking and start having more tea. I just bought some Chai so that's handy. This morning we refocused school too. Why did I begin in the first place? Not just to educate but to train up, teach, admonish, encourage (.... remember self). So, we started reading straight from the bible in the book of Psalms. I am not even worried that the kids may not understand it all. I just want to start conversations and be speaking life. Speech; that is a hard one for me. I am tired and cranky and not always graceful in speech, at least of late. I am frustrated again of things I can not change willingly. It is time to decide what is good and what is best, and strive for that better.
And in all this shedding, and deciding what is best, there are decisions to be made. Prayers to be prayed. What is good to hold on to? What is good to let go of? To simplify in order to go deeper. Less is more.

It's been awhile.

It seems that life is tumbling forward at a rapid pace. It has been awhile since I have written anything in this space. I have wanted to, but to get down here and typing is hard. There is no time. It is alright that there isn't any time, for what the day is filled with is important. I am mothering, teaching, and cleaning. It must be done. Writing can wait. Thoughts can swirl awhile before they can be written.
We have started a new study, of Gideon. It will be good. Studying God's word is always good. I think it may bring a refocus and new light on how my part of raising our family will look. So far, God is showing me that the way in which I carry out the mundane tasks in my day, such as cleaning, are ways of teaching deeper things. That being care, selflessness, kindness, love, etc.
My family is growing in many ways. My babe is now three and a half months. There have been some good things come to our lives this past while, and more to come....

His plan is greater.

I am self absorbed at the moment but it is all I can do to cope! Getting so excited and anxious. I had a good day yesterday. The Lord's will was for baby to turn and be head down. This means alot and was such a relief. I also bought some new music while in town yesterday and didn't realize that it was a worship album with some of my fave songs. Uplifting.

Nine month ultrasound.

It's ultrasound day! Today may determine what will happen for delivery of this babe. The doctor thinks he might have turned head-down now. I think he might have turned back the other night. I swear last night he was sideways.... he has too much room and is a strong little guy. I can't wait to see what happens and to cross the finish line. 

the month of nine.

I am getting so close! I am supposed to have over three weeks left but will I really go that far? I have had long false labor in the past. I dunno. The last few days have been full of painful braxton hicks and false labor at night. I dropped over a week ago and am now feeling the pinching feeling in my pelvis as I think the baby is engaging. The doctor thinks that this babe has now turned but an ultrasound on Monday will tell for sure. I just want to make it through another week so I am assured that all is in the right position and ready to go. I think that there should be a birth retreat place where you can go when you are close to being done so that you can relax and rest and then be there already when labor starts. Someone should get on that idea.
Last night at 3AM this strong little boy was moving around so hard, I felt like I was holding him in and was praying for another day. I swear he is going to kick his water free at any moment when he does that. I am so excited to meet him. I am also so excited to have the pressure off my body. I am cleaning through each room in my head and am now nesting. Eeek. I love just diving into pregnancy at the exciting beginning, even though the first part comes with sickness and the last with pressure; both a little torturous. It is always so worth it in the end. It is October! I hope I have a babe in my arms by the end of this month- sooner preferably :)   

A song

Time.

Yesterday was Wednesday. Wednesday is turn over day in my pregnancy. That means I hit 35 weeks. I have felt ahead this pregnancy and so I have been pushing the counting a bit too. We went to the library yesterday and as I got out of the van, I realized it was Wednesday and it hit me... I am going on to the four countdown!! As in, today I am now 4.6 weeks away from being due to have this baby. Ahhh. I had a nap in the afternoon and woke up shaking a bit. I really hope that I can curb the anxiety. My body is now showing signs of getting ready to deliver. It is weird that when I was due with my first babe, I was excited and a little apprehensive of course. With all preceding children, it is a shaky nervousness. I always can remember the feeling of the baby crowning which is a spot of relief for me but the thought of waking up in a puddle of water and then it being game on makes me overwhelmed. I may still have four to five weeks left. I don't think so though. And this baby has not turned yet and is breech, so add on that thought to the unexpected. I like that all of my labors have been basically the same so that I know what to expect. Now there are numerous scenarios that I just have to wait for. I trust that my God began this and will finish it well. I am still freaking over the thought of labor. It is always worth it. I can't wait to meet this new child of mine. I am still freaking out. Four weeks! 

Admonish

Christianity has such a catch to it. God is so much wiser than we can understand and our brains can hurt trying to put meld everything He said in to something simple. It is complex. It is case by case. We are all striving for the same end but we all struggle in parts of that. The catch is this. Do we let each other struggle or do we hold each other to the means of that end? This is where a word comes in, an instruction:
Admonish....

ad·mon·ish  (d-mnsh)

tr.v. ad·mon·ished, ad·mon·ish·ing, ad·mon·ish·es

1. To reprove gently but earnestly.

2. To counsel (another) against something to be avoided; caution.

3. To remind of something forgotten or disregarded, as an obligation or a responsibility.

 Admonish is one of my favorite thoughts about how we are to be. I have it on a painting along with other words of how I will raise my kids... teach, encourage, train up, admonish.....

I love how it explains grace and action in a word. We so often forget that God's word teaches us to correct and rebuke each other so that we don't fall in to a death trap. We as people find it hard to grasp how we could do such a thing and still have grace. We only see it in the negative and as painful. It may even seem painful, but it is loving. We correct our children because we love them, but what of us that are all adults? Is our learning done? Not at all. And the teacher is the Word of God. No man can boast it is him or her. And I am not talking about correcting every man that walks by and being the sin patrol. I am talking about close brothers and sisters, family, best friends. We want the best for them, or at least we should. If we forget and think that we are judging them if we mention anything confrontational, then how will anyone grow. God uses us to lift each other up. Admonishing shows us how to do that; gently but earnestly. That is not a judgement in the sense of condemning anyone. That is saying remember what God's word says.... and offering counsel in a loving and graceful way. And then that grace that covers will not leave any shame. We don't hold things over each others heads. 

And I think if we stay silent there is risk of another scenario. Of judgement that feels like condemnation. That we will begin to see each other sliding and then question each others faith. We will see action upon action that is hypocritical to the word of God and then we will question who one really is, or where they stand. We will assume that they aren't a Christian because their actions don't match up to this end that we should strive for. We will look for good fruit but be unsure if there is enough.

So there is the catch it seems. Grace is always there, but then what do we do with it?

 Colossians 3:16

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

 Colossians 1:28

He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.

A story from the archives of my self.

Jesus has pulled me out of so much. I am still a "sinner" everyday. I am also an heir to the thrown. Why? Because I chose Him back. I choose Him back everyday. I take His word in all it's entirety. He met me in my sin and he continues to do so. But He expects action. Right? I mean I can do nothing and he still loves me and He still gives me grace that I don't deserve but I don't want to mock Him by taking lightly things that He died to save me from. I don't think it too funny. And when I look back at anything I ever took lightly and when I used His words twisted, I am sad. I am sad because I ignored the warnings of the few that loved me with truth. And, now I sit sit in one of my consequences everyday. Everyday.
How did I come to take things lightly? I was depressed. I was angry at a few blows dealt out to me just because I am human and live in a human world. And then there were a few believers that were taking their faith lightly, were not listening to the word. They wanted to help me out. To get me out. I didn't even want to go. I wanted to be elsewhere and things to be different, but they weren't. So I let them drag me to a place where I didn't have to deal with anything and where there was no judgement about it. It was nice to not care. It was nice to not fight against the battle going on inside of me. There is no war when you take away the enemy. When you join his camp or at least sit there awhile. I never left my God. I always held on. I managed to move myself to a place where I thought I could be pulled out. No one can pull themselves out. And this plan was a place and people, and people aren't very strong. But God had a plan. He pulled me out Himself. But not without consequence first. Like I said, I deal with that everyday. There is no shame. There is no condemnation. People can say, "You know who that is and what she's done?"
And Jesus says, "Yes, I know and she's mine." Jesus loves sinners. I am one. He meets them with truth and woos them to change. He gives choices but not without instruction. His Word is clear. There is not one word without meaning and purpose. All scripture is God breathed....
I don't want to go back to that place. I don't want to forget it. There are reminders sometimes. And I want to be like those who loved me with truth, even though I didn't listen to them myself. I don't want to be like the crew of acceptance who walked me through the enemy's camp pridefully thinking that they are stronger in amongst it all. I fell down and one went on her way tripping a bit and one fell down on the other side of me. That is not good odds.
Anyways, I just came here to write some scriptures and ask some questions, but I guess there was more. Here are the scriptures:

Colossians 3:1-17

New International Version (NIV)

Living as Those Made Alive in Christ

3 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your^[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

⁵ Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶ Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.^{[b] 7} You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸ But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹ Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. ¹¹ Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
 ¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Ephesians 5:1-21

New International Version (NIV)

5 ¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
³ But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. ⁴ Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. ⁵ For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.^{[a] 6} Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. ⁷ Therefore do not be partners with them.
⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) ¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord. ¹¹ Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹² It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. ¹³ But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. ¹⁴ This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.”

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸ Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Trying to settle a disturbed self.

I am disappointed. I am irked. I am even grieved. I feel that in my life there has been some great growth (even though there are still struggles of course). I can see it. It is tangible. But this morn I am sad as there are some that seem to be walking backwards. I want to be connected with them. I want to be friends with them, but I don't condone their behavior. I don't want that behavior to become a norm for me and okay to be surrounded by. Words of grace come up, and there is grace, but what does that mean. There is also truth and uprightness to consider. I am no better than anyone else but I want to strive for things that are pure, lovely, admirable, holy.... not sit in the cultural norm and be apathetic. When I think of grace, I think of forgiveness. I think of encouraging each other out of our struggles and sins, and into peace and joy by acting on truths that we find. I don't think that grace means accepting each others sins as okay and looking the other way, letting each person struggle on their own until they can find a way out themselves. I know that Jesus associated with prostitutes, drunkards, and people of horrible character, but he changed them. He offered grace to the woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery, but then he offered truth. He told them to go and sin no more. He offered it to a rich man too but it was too much for that man. Jesus didn't say well it's all okay then, come around when you feel like it.... he moved on. There is always a choice to make. There is grace but truth is tied into it. There is no grace for evil, there is only grace for people.
I was reminded this week of a time when someone close to me was offered counseling before considering divorce. She was not a Christian and the counselor was and so their views were very different. I had thought that she shouldn't be held to what he said because she didn't believe that way. I remember when I realized that I was wrong about that too. I know that she did not understand a viewpoint backed up by the truth of God's word, but that didn't mean that she wasn't accountable to it. If I believe that there is one true God and that everyone is judged by Him in the end, then everyone is accountable to those same rules whether they choose to believe or go on their way. I think at that point of realization, I started to give any advice in a different way. I will always now give a truthful word, no matter the background. It sometimes gives people a second look because that means it is not always the popular opinion. I seem to not be in the normal popular opinion often now. And that doesn't mean that I waste my words but if asked about something important, I will try and not make an emotional response but reflect a second on the bigger picture and give a biblical response. I am not quoting scriptures at anyone either- they may not know that the opinion is based on biblical concepts, but I know my God is bigger than what we can see. He is not biased, and He is fair. He is loving but there is also consequence of choosing sin. 
Anyways, I am not trying to declare that I am better than anyone but I read about staying away from certain things and striving for certain things, and there is no in between for me. You either believe it or you don't, but you have to decide which- it can't be both. You can give grace and love to every person but I really don't think that means you accept every action as okay. Some things are just not okay.
I hope writing this out settles some things in my mind today because I am disappointed. Big time. I want to hold on to people but I don't want that to keep me stuck, or pull me back to a place unwanted. *Sigh. There will definitely be prayer about this in the next few days. 

Prayer works.

Prayer works. God answers. I am feeling pain and pressure as I come to the last bit of my pregnancy, but I am also feeling joy. I know that people have been praying for me and my family this week- I can feel it. My internal struggle at this point is always huge as I think about how it will all go down at the end, as well as the progression of more children, if any. It might be strange that I think about more children when the one that is coming hasn't even been born yet, but it is a struggle in my mind as I trust God but am feeling tortured in body daily. It is always worth it though. The prize at the end brings unending blessings.
We are in our second year of homeschooling and I love it. It is fulfilling to know what your kids are being taught and see how they are growing and developing. We got a head start in order to accommodate the baby coming and are all settled into a routine now.
We are also starting a new bible study with our new church this week. I am excited to see what learning and growing will come of this too. I am needing something to dig into myself. I am grateful for this church every week, even after driving into town to attend, as the bible is taught word for word, in order and in full.
Anyways, that is my life right now.... rib stretching babe, homeschooling morns, and truth seeking Sundays.

Stupid.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed and depressed. I am feeling big. I am disappointed at how inconsiderate people's words are. I am in the last trimester and feeling nervous again to be so far away from the hospital. I know God will work it all out but I am still anxious about the unknown. I can't seem to help it and am constantly trying to put myself in check. And I feel bigger than normal, which is already big. I feel ahead and like this baby is in a strange position. He is strong and kicking. I am tired of the rude comments. How can I keep myself in hope that God is working out this plan that he started when people are so dumb. Hearing "and you're so huge already" and "how are you going to make it three more months" does not help. These comments aren't even from strangers. Rude. I am staying home.

Frustrations.

This has been a long week. I am exhausted. It is too hot to cook dinner and my kids are running wild, screaming, while their dad tries to sleep. I am sitting here in the basement, trying to cool down before I make dinner. Unfortunately dinner is not an option with growing children. I have been a little down. Tiredness and reflecting on life can be disappointing sometimes. Being on opposite sides of faith with your husband, and pregnant and unable to do all you want to accomplish can make overlooked frustration come to the forefront. I am grateful that I can strive for all that encompasses a life lived for God, but this can also make a gap with us.... thoughts, friends, time, discipline, money.... everything. I am so in this time of grinding down this week. I feel oppressed in my own home sometimes. It is like anything good brings pressure. A war of sorts. I am so tired of this war. I want to continue in trusting God with my family (and I will) but I am tired. I hope God has a great plan.... that is silly, of course he does. I hope it has to do with a change of hearts around here, and soon. And I mean my heart too. Too much opposition brings walls. I just want to settle in with a house full of children and be in a peaceful and content place. To love and be loved. Excuse me while I go tend to something being sprayed all over the bathroom floor..... sigh.....

A pic is worth a thousand joys....

 

And my eldest son echoes something I have said.... "God has a plan for us...." ....:) 

Sunday

I am inspired, encouraged, on this great, slightly rainy day. It is hard to get up and think of driving into town every Sunday for church but it is so worth it. Inspired truth being taught outrightly, is relieving, and resounds with me. Sticks with me. I am writing it down as I don't want to forget what God is saying to me personally and continually. And today I am grateful again and also grateful that I was, at one point, beaten down so much that it seems the religion was beaten out of me until nothing was left but grace. It is when consequences force an unseen, but unfortunately chosen, humility upon you that you can't pretend perfection. You can't compare against others. You can, I can, only compare against the truth that is in God's word. There is no measuring up. But there is an abundance of grace. Ye-haw. *Smile. Today I am reminded of this. I was broken of my own doing and yet there was hope. I need to extend that grace and never forget. And never feel condemned either. I am not cast out. I am still here and still fighting.... and still growing. When I get caught up in the day, I feel discouraged, but when I look at how much God has done, I am reminded....
Oh, and I am super excited for my coming babe. Another boy. I am building an army. Haha. The thought of having three grown men in my midst someday brings me an abundance of joy, and I know that God is going to change our family in amazing ways. I can't believe (in a good way) that it is getting better and I am getting the desires of my heart- a large family.
So many thoughts.... so many at a heart level..... <3

Of six.

I am a mother of six. It is funny that before I was pregnant I always imagined myself with five kids and I wondered if it was because I really did have five, just two removed from me. That was it, because now I see myself with six. I had my five month ultrasound today and was blessed with a disk containing 39 photos of my babe. I dislike ultrasounds. I love when they are all done and everything is settled but I really can't bare to look at the technician for fear of misreading a look or facial expression. I am not liking that I have to wait a whole month now to see the doc, as my last appointment was yesterday. But this baby is kicking and moving so I shall not let myself worry. I love that he or she is breech because it is interesting how every babe has their own way and own little personality even in the womb. God has plans for this babe, even from the beginning. And this is the first time that we will find out the gender of our sweet babe. It is stressing me out a bit, haha, but only because I am making myself wait. Hopefully we will plan a great gathering to make it even more fun. Half way through a busy week and glad another task is out of the way.

Full up.

There is joy. And then, there is fullness of joy. Life is not grand. My laundry situation is still not working well. My husband doesn't understand me often. I am still impatient. I swear. But, there is a place where all of that starts to not matter again. A place where you know that your God has a good plan for your life. A place where you find that you have just stepped into the middle of one of those significant plans. This is probably going to be a marker year. I just had one of those for me, but I pray that I am right and that this is one for the whole family. I cannot believe what is going on, and that in a good way. I didn't know why there was this pause of growth. I have turned from frustration and digging, and I have found good soil. And some things are about to grow. I am full tonight. God let my heart bend to those plans.
I think I have just stopped climbing the path and am now putting down roots. This is a resting spot and not physically. Still work to come, but fullness of joy. I am so grateful my God. Mahal na mahal LORD.

What Families Need (in a church).

Families need:

A safe place to land. A place where there are rules and bible-based standards, and where parents know their kids are safe away from them, until they are picked up again. A place where kids feel cherished and are led by people who have compassion for them, people who know the value of the next generation. A place where there is understanding of what the bible alone says towards children and who believe it in word and actions.

A place to grow. Where all family members can use their individual gifts, whether a parent or not. There is a definite command to teach our children, but within the church we also have a calling. We need to be supported in those callings even now- not when our kids are grown. That may mean putting up with kids running around in the background. And, even kids have callings on their lives at young ages too. Let them grow together with us, and teach them.

A place where there is fellowship.Where there are people willing to host whole families for lunch or coffee dates. Where people are willing to bear with young children's noise in order to engage a conversation beyond small talk. A place where people play together, as well as pray together, and therefore have the opportunity to speak into each others lives. When there is space for the kids to be kids, we will leave with hearts filled.

A place of truth. A place where biblical principles are sought out and there is continual thirst for change at every age from birth to death. A place where there is a humble understanding that no one has ever "arrived" at perfection, and where people are able to teach each other in stages of understanding and life. Kids are not the only ones who need to be taught. Father's need mentoring. Mother's need encouragement.

A place where we are welcome. There will be no teaching if there is no babysitter.... or will there be? We need Home Groups. We need bible study and fellowship in a place where there is a bed to put the baby down and a place for kids to play together. A place where shift work and multiple children defy all odds and we can hear the word of God during the week. I am teasing here, but really, we want to be part of the whole and not just segregated into our generational or gender groups. All of us can add a little, remind someone of youth, teach someone from wisdom, extol another with words of encouragement, be shown an untarnished side of a child's thinking, be rebuked in love to a place of repentance at a wrong thinking, or draw someone into a first understanding of grace.

Overall, we need to be invited. We need to feel welcomed. We don't want to impose our children upon anyone, especially when there are stares at the child chattering that they see grandma, auntie or a friend across the room, or people randomly commenting that kids sat through church in silence way back when. We don't want to sit alone cutting up food and wiping dirty chins at church potlucks. We don't want to be told that back in the day the moms took care of Sunday School or the dads were harsher at disciplining. And I assure you, our kids are still being disciplined but we might see that differently one to the next. We don't want to be excluded from all meetings and input and ministries because right now it is seen as our job alone to raise kids. We want to hear what God thinks about children in the heart attitudes of people surrounding us. We want you to know that most of us don't show up for ours or our kids salvation at church, but to be encouraged and to have fellowship with other believers. We don't want to be left behind as everyone rushes off to restaurants, when we know to follow means a large bill and the stress of shushing kids for at least another hour. We also want you to know that we are growing and able to be part of the body- if we have babies, we are no longer babies and are ready to be ushered in to ministries and  leadership of the church. If we are not invited, who will be trained? If our kids are not invited, who will be taught up next? If people fail to see the importance of teaching up the next generation, and the next, and the next, the church will die out with them. If people continue to regard themselves as done, having put in their time, and having their own lives to live; they will live their own lives indeed, but will not share in anyone else's. There is unity in understanding each other, young or old. We do not deem to be more important. We just want you to remember us and not overlook what we also need to thrive. We want you to remember your youth and your beginnings. Who mentored you? Who spoke into your life at a young age? How old were you when you began to lead? To teach? To lead worship? To Pastor? What did you need when you had a young family? We are part of you all, not separate. Please don't forget any longer. 

Farming children ;)

Sunday has become a joy again. I do think of winter to come though. I have had hopeful thoughts that all this traveling to town for Sunday Service will work out easy enough. Yesterday I realized that this is a time of cultivating. Cultivating is hard work, but it is important. It is work that makes strong, both the worker and what is being grown. It is so worth it.