Two thoughts.

This time of weighing has led into a time of reflecting. The weighing is done and we have stepped. I have now been able to let go and look a little retrospectively, as is helpful and brings joy in where God has been making the path clear, whether curvy, mountainous, straight, or whatever. This one was a definite curve but I am seeing where God has been teaching, preparing, and leading- one season leading into the next. If I can take a quiet moment, today this being as kids slept through the rainstorm on the drive home, I can start to see a bigger picture. The truths learned far in advance, are being played out here. Blessings are coming. This reflective thinking allows me to now see beyond the physical, to the enveloping spiritual. God hems me in behind and before. It looks like continuous seasons this way in my mind's eye and begins to cease to look like closures and separations. In this picture there is growth, and pruning, and dormancy, and then regrowth. God's hand is and has always been in it all.


My thoughts this week, which were brought up again today in part, are along the lines of this.... Too often we pray, "God hear our cry. Please work out 'this thing' in our lives. We believe You can do this thing."  And we even add something to the effect that if it is your will in there. But the reality is that "this thing" is equal to "our will." This adding on of "if it's your will" has often bothered me a bit and I am seeing a clearer picture of why. We need to be praying, "God we are crying out, work out Your will in our lives. What is Your will for this?" Seems simple. But are we willing to wait? Our thoughts and desires get in the way, until we can no longer stand. At that point when we have struggled enough in our own ideas, the prayer of letting go and letting God comes in, and in that, there comes great joy. When we stop to hear and see what God has in store, the benefits and blessings are grand. His will for us is always better and beyond what we can imagine in this physical place where we are at. So how are we to get to that state where we let go and can wait on God? Well, I heard a good sermon on that today.... (maybe I can find it, or I will leave that for another conversation....)  

So what do I do now? Disconnecting....

I am overwhelmed with thoughts. We know we have made a good decision. I knew it right away when I looked around and all the things that frustrated me to no end were nowhere to be seen, and where things I hadn't thought about fully came to mind regarding what we need as a family. Anyways.... I have been getting phone calls, having tea, and having chats, all over the place. People have wanted to let me know that they support my decision and that is encouraging, although I was not looking for anyone's approval or thoughts except God's. This decision was between me, my family, and Him. However, there is a resounding agreement about places where things are broken or lacking. There is a desperate need for change and a stuckness of not knowing where or what to do. Here I don't know what to do, not in the what, but in the what to say. I need to disconnect but I also love these people that I am leaving, and still hope for change. I think there needs to be a collective conversation about the state of things, an inventory of spiritual things. I want to stay very vague but I have heard from the mouths of many people, the same discontent about certain things. I don't believe in just talking and not coming up with a plan or at least letting someone know. So, now what do I do? I would hope that someone else would do it but will they? I have heard alot of "no one wants to hear" or "no one wants to listen." If that is the case then why is there an outcry for the same changes to come about. Maybe some hearts aren't being heard or maybe people are just stuck. Maybe there is too much shushing for the sake of peacefulness, but it is only leading to anger and bitterness, with the same outcomes. What would really happen if people said no to being pushed in all directions and started to fully embrace the ministries that they have been called to? There would be gaps for sure. There would also be forced change. What happens when people are desperate.... they start to do what they should have been doing in the first place; they pray. Or the impostors are flushed out. The fakes. The ones that will remain standing will be the ones who are true in their faith. And when there is a collective truth being sought, there there will be change. I really want to have a conversation. I don't know. I may just need to disconnect and let it be. I have been trying for a long time now it seems. Okay, now I will pray....

New friends.

We wanted fellowship and fellowship is what we got. I am relieved. The kids have come to bible study with me for two weeks and have come home filled with fun, and we have gone to church in town and have come back knowing more people and more of God's word. We have also had three playdates with friends that we want to build relationships with, just in the last week, and this week there are more to come. To top off all this greatness was a church BBQ in which the kids played in the lake, learned a little football and frisbee, and were treated with love. It is always bittersweet to make a change that requires leaving people behind but sometimes it is essential. I can finally let this one part of life go and rest a little. I know there will be challenges ahead but for this summer we are set I think.  

anticipation

I have ambition lately. It has been hard for awhile and finally there is some hope on the horizon. We are all anticipating the next day or week. Sometimes I just want to up and move. I like new starts. I like the forced change that comes and the newness of everything. But I also want the stability that comes with staying in one home and building relationships long term. I want a permanent spot for my kids. I want a home to grow in every aspect. I am thankful God is in the business of renewing, rebuilding, restoring, redeeming.... I am glad that he has a plan, even when we can't see around corners. This is definitely a season of change- I look around and see it in many friends lives too, not just ours. And the fun part is that it is not what any of us expect- it is even better, because God is in it.

Random thoughts from a not so random thought trail.

Learning the bible is extremely important. And not just learning it, but studying it and knowing it in and out from cultural time, to translation, etc. I was a strong and mature christian since I was young. (I did experience a rather hard time for awhile too, not to leave that out.) But, up until the last few years, I have never seen bible study like I do now. I have never been taught just absorbing all that you can find from one passage. A Beth Moore study was the first time I saw this and I will never see any the same again. It is really a shame. I have seen more since then but this is my point, that I want this for myself. Before it was all inspiration and movements and opinions. I don't ever want to be in a place where I can't judge for myself if what is being said is what is coming straight from the word of God, or from men. Kari Jobe said it best one time, and I think I have that sermon along here somewhere, that we should want first fruit from God and not already-been-chewed. I love these kind of thoughts. It's me and God. I don't want to follow any fad or be stuck with the A-B-C. I want to know that I know and why, and then ask the question, "What am I going to do about it?" I am so glad to be at the stage where I can speak out if I disagree and can choose what I think is right according to God's word. Amen to that. Oh, and live in unity whether we disagree or not. I am not out to take sides here and there and battle it out to the death. Haha. There should though be conversations happening, not just eyes staring forward taking in everything like robots. Weighing is important.  Some of it isn't beneficial but is permissible, but some of it is downright wrong. Do I know enough to know the difference? Do you? Some weeks are like this one, where it is time to take an inventory.

 To study and explore:
http://www.blueletterbible.org/
 To find Beth Moore and more:
http://www.lifeway.com/ 

day two of stepping

Today felt like step two. Step one was making the decision and testing the waters for the last two weeks. Today I talked to my mother and sent a note to a loved mentor/teacher at the church that we will now step away from. This step takes us into a new place. It feels like a good place. There is a sense of betterment for my family. I will still be testing these waters in a way, but in them, not at the edge peering in. Last night I was thinking about the community that we are leaving and a thought summed it up for me.... It is like someone is not living quite right but you keep making excuses for them because you love them. I feel this about the church. There are changes that need to happen and an opening of eyes towards why the families are all leaving. Maybe no one can fix this and that is fine. God can fix it if people are willing. I will leave it at that. I don't want to say bad words about it all but I do know that I will go where there is more of what I want for my kids. Garry is good with it (although he says that church is my thing, but it is still important to me to talk about it with him), and the kids are happy to see their friends again, since many are over here at this place. I actually can't wait until Sunday to see what the kids think. Only Gemma and I have gone before for a friend's dedication, so for the boys it will be all new. It is interesting that it is at Aiden's age where my family (when I was young) made a move to a new church and it made all the difference in my life.  

craft time

I think it's time to finish up some crafting projects, or start some more, and read lots of books. I wish I could throw the tv out the window for the summer. Hmmm.... maybe I can, I am the mom. If I do that, I should unplug my phone too, maybe facebook. But not here. Here is creative. I need to catch up some quilting and scapbooking for Keiran. It was supposed to happen last summer. It has to happen before I have another busy babe.

Great weaving.

My heart feels blessed tonight. Nothing special, just fellowship. Just people who get where you are at and why you do what you do. There was no scolding or shaming of children. They were free to duck in and out and run. There were jokes about homeschooling. This whole day has been so good for my family. There has been a noticed change of attitude across the board, of happy hearts. We are up late but there is still a little patience left, even though all the work isn't done. My eldest son chose three times over to think of others before himself just when we got home. He gave up a treasured toy to his brother even. My kids have joy exuding from them tonight. They are happily recalling the nights events. Even they can feel what has been missed. Of course. They are spiritual human beings built for relationship too. I am lightly stepping into this change but it is just plainly needed now, however out of my plans it is. I need to take an account of what we need and what is truly going on in our lives. I can't see around corners but a relief has been found. Yey.

The feel of change.

I am feeling a little bit better about life today. I finished our last homeschool summary and am going to loosen up on the last remaining English work. I also had a nice chat with a friend after two weeks of analyzing with my best of friends. I am ready to step. You can't think about all the what ifs, well you can but you can't change 'em. So, I am looking at the now and for now I will join our friends and choose to fellowship where it will bring more life to relationships, and hopefully our family as well. It is hard to change what you know unless there is a willingness and a move of the Holy Spirit. I for one get mad when I am struggling. I want to choose more, or better, so that there is room for those kind of moves. I feel less mad today because I feel less stuck. I have choice and I have prayer. Both can change things. The end. See ya soon. 

Sunshine

It is May and it is summer. The warm weather is restorative. It is nice to slow down and get outside. I love that the kids can run. I love that I can soak up some vitamins. It makes me want to take long drives and go swimming in lakes. Well, maybe not swimming yet since some of those lakes just melted.
We are finishing up our last subject in homeschool today (other than English which will be another month since we are doing a second program that I would like to get done by summer). I am feeling a little bit better and in a few weeks will start feeling this babe kicking. Life is pretty good. I am trying not to stress over things that are changing. The pressure just means the rough edges are being ground off, right. (*Wink.) They need to be lately. I am excited for the summer change. I so need a break to just sit around and grow this babe. And read. There will be reading.

la dee da

This is a hard decision. And I am making it alone. That is even harder. But, my kids were alone in Kids Church yesterday. That is not fellowship.

oh analytical brain

Pondering more. Analyzing more. Comparing and weighing. It is important. The church is a place that we have fellowship and are encouraged. It is where we sharpen our belief systems and are influenced. Home is first for this of course, we cannot rely on the church to train up our children. But it is big.
I do not know what this year will bring. I do not know if we will be in this same house or same town. I do not know if there will be a huge change in the church here. I also do not know if there will be an offshoot planting of the church that is forming here but resides in the city.
What I do know is that things are not working. I know that this other church is where my kindred spirit friends reside (we have been watching Anne of Green Gables, haha). It just happens that all the moms are homeschool moms, not that I don't have close friends that don't homeschool, but again these people are like-minded. They believe in family. They believe in being involved, with your giftings, in the church. Of  being a part. This place is where scripture is taught and God speaks. These are people with voices. I have only had two experiences at this church so far so we will see, but I am thinking I need to move. For now it would be easy to travel for the summer some. I don't know. Maybe there will be better options later on, but for now I just need better. I am no longer pushing for change, I am standing alone to the point of being left there. I will talk to the kids and talk to God some more. I think this is the point where I step. This is not the end of the conversation though.

ramblings

I feel like working some things out in my head. I have not late night posted since the great depression. Haha. That was a joke, if you didn't catch that. I just came from bible study. A new one with friends that are not so new. It was good. Teaching straight from the book with hebrew and cross referencing and all things I deem lovely. I want to know the word of God and truly study it. I want to then ponder what God is saying about it to me for right now. There was talk of hardening of hearts, and sowing. I said there would be sowing this afternoon.
I have lots of thoughts tonight. I want to fellowship with friends and family where I am at. Part of this new is where I am at. Looking parallel I see lacking of so much. If I had my choice in a city or elsewhere I would be gone. But I still live here. I will not sow where there is staleness. I try to bring something to the table but it is a strange table. Why do I think so differently. Yet, I don't think that my thoughts are way out there.
Anyways, I am not sure what to think about this all yet. I wish I had a different choice. But I am seeing a little clearer. It is too early to tell. I just know that I will not settle, I have never followed because it is the status quo. This is an essential time to instill truth to my kids and that is not happening the way I see is good. A little, but not quite. It is also essential that I am not beat to the ground so that I am drained of all encouragement, and that I am built up in a way that is helpful. And that I am not forced to be something that is out of my gifting. We all are parts- none greater right?Why are we looked at as though we are less than and little. I am not at all. My kids are not either. ......

When you are not where you want to be, move.

I am having a analytical week. Just came from a CHEC (a homeschool conference) and am full of thoughts of teaching my children through this next year both educationally and spiritually. Every time I get to get out of this home space lately, I see things that I desire are lacking. I am not liking where we are at. I am seeing that I am moving. I am putting down things that aren't working and searching for what will. I won't do it the same just because it is the way things have been done. I am looking also at my church and thinking that somehow the ball has been dropped. My belief system is not matching up with the whole. Our basic beliefs are all the same but the overall attitudes and practices are not. I want more for my kids and the thing is that there is not much else here. I am thinking this part of the year is where things are going to start changing. It is spring after all. It will be a year of sowing, hard work. A baby coming, my next two children are starting school, and decisions to till through. I have no idea where this is all going.
I need a place where I am encouraged and built up. I need community. I need a family oriented church. I need my kids to be seen as blessings- that they are. I need like-minded moms around. I need bible based teaching- searching, studying, and life application. I need truth.
And I need a better working laundry situation. Oy. Haha.

Vacay, homeschool mom style.

Tomorrow we are off to the homeschool convention (a friend and I, as well as many other moms). I can't wait to have some fun and to not have to worry about houses and children for awhile. My babe is all good and I hope and pray it is all kicking and stretching from here. It is a sunny day out there and I am ready to go sit on the deck and soak it up for awhile before hemming pants, cleaning bathrooms, packing bags, and soccer practice. 

always waiting for something

This pressure is getting to me. I cannot do my laundry. It smells like pee! I need to move. I don't want to move. I don't have money to fix the problem. What do I pray for? My 12 week appointment was not good. She could not find the baby's heartbeat. I go back in three days now. I hate this. Hate it. I saw this little bean moving and beating. Why is this happening now? I am too tired for pressure. It is snowing. That makes it all worse when it is April. We all need some vitamin D on our skin, and some freedom to get out of the house and into the warmth. I want some pretty and frivolous for awhile. Some comfort. Some extra just-for-you days....

frustrated thoughts

So I am going to ponder and hash this out for awhile. I love the history of our church. Not the bad stuff but the people who are there and I've known forever. The good that has come out of the struggle. I am wondering this morning, why have families left? A few have been offended by uncaring/ thoughtless words. A few because there is not enough for families. A few because there is nothing for the men. There is a focus outwards and people are being neglected. I think this is partly because there was a generation gone for awhile but there are a huge amount of families coming to this town for work now. Right now. Someone needs to start remembering what it is like to have children. Someone needs to care about the future. Someone needs to stop being tired of all that has gone on and start a new ministry. One that is straight from the heart of God's word.
This mornings message was good. From a man who doesn't have all the bindings of all that has gone on. A message about all the parts, and all giftings being necessary.
We have a wound in the body. A gap. The gap is the reproductive system. The next generation is being left to waste. I won't let my kids be wasted and if nothing changes, then I will.
Maybe we need new blood. Maybe new leadership. Apparently there has been no one to step up so the same ones stay put. Is this why it is stale?
I don't know what needs to change or can but I see it elsewhere so I know it can be done. Or rather, I know God can make it happen. Is anybody willing?
Bear with me while I type my frustrated thoughts. Pray if you do. I know some of you are part of this whirlwind....

One more thought.

You don't know how bad you need something until you see it. Or feel it. You can cope for a long time but eventually something has to move. I am see a recurring cry. An outcry for something that's missing. My thought is an old one. If you don't want to be used, God will use someone else. He will fulfill his purpose either way. Time to pray.

change please

I am tired of this town. I never wanted to come here. Then I was glad to be here and healing and with a close group of women. Things have again changed so much now and I am needing a change. I am ready to move on but maybe God has other plans still for this town. For us.
I am so disappointed with our church. I believe the purpose of church is for fellowship. (And not just for programs or drop bys.) I want to interact and encourage and be encouraged by others of all ages and stages. I feel like there was a chance to step up and it was passed by. There is no place for family in our church and so families keep leaving. No place for young men and so there are no young fathers. It didn't use to be this way. I don't fellowship at our church. I go and the kids enjoy it but I barely say my hellos and go home. There are no invites for lunches because most go out to dine. If there is a potluck, I sit by myself with the kids and eat in silence which turns to frustrated sad anger before I leave. Why? Because there are no families and no one interacts beyond hellos, at least not outside of their comfort. All members stay in their groups and all seem to want the others around but there is no room. There are no home groups to take your kids to for bible study and so I usually can't go. The mom's group is spacing out even though there are quite a few on the sidelines. Something is not right. Something feels self serving. I am not just sitting here complaining either. I am willing to serve in my giftings, but I am not willing to be manipulated into a space of need until burn-out. I am willing to call on God for answers and I don't want to be dismissive at what can be done.
And these things expand even to family, and I am not alone in this. I hear "We have our own lives" way too often. I miss the family atmosphere of the northern Mennonite backgrounds, where families are not pushed out onto their own but added onto. Where children are welcomed and help and hospitality are huge. 
Anyways, some things go even deeper.... Something needs to give.
I am greatly discouraged as yet another family says goodbye. I long for a city life where there is more for the kids. More to grow. More stability. Or I need God to make a big change here- only He can. 

fruitful labor

I am honored to carry another sweet babe. I saw him/her wiggling away on the ultrasound, heart beating. I love big families. I have wanted many kids from the time I was a young girl. When I was a teenager I met a family with ten children. I did not know you could do that... then I wanted even more. As I have had babies and felt the nine-month-long sickness that comes along with it, I have struggled in this dream, but I still want a big family. What a blessing. A little struggle for nine months or so for a lifetime of having a family. And even more, generations ongoing that you may not even meet until heaven. It is not easy to to bear or raise kids but it is so worth it. So when I get told I am brave for having another, maybe I am. I do not have more patience than another. I am not rich. But I know God provides in every aspect. Each child is a heritage, blessing, reward.... God does not lie and his word says that. Maybe the questions should be.... "Why aren't you having more children? Don't you believe God? When did a big family turn into a curse?".... but I won't say that cause that would be rude, and I often want to give up too. It has been hard, but after the hard, there is joy. I pray this baby is a strong one. I can't wait to add on.