Time for a song.

This makes me want to ditch this place, whatever it is....

Sometimes one can just not remain silent

 I am sick from the bend. I am tired from the "if we can't beat 'em join 'em" attitude. I am sad at the confusion that comes when we let cultural lie siphon into long-standing, unchanging truth. God loving people should be having conversations. No one should be hushing. And what we disagree upon, we should hash out by comparing notes on the word of God and what it all means. There is culture involved, and literary tones. The Bible is one story alone, of an unchanging God through an ever changing, stubborn, needing of love world. If we let go of the reverence of that, then where does our faith come from? Yes, some issues are minor, are personal preference; but some issues change the way we are family, the way we do life, and the way we show grace or hear truth. Maybe we need to decide personally which is which. That will not come from making light of anything but from seeking out all truth. I am big on truth. Ream me out, discuss, change my mind, challenge me, admonish me, let us cry it out.... but do not snuff out the truth. That kills me. That makes my heart long for home. So, give me a reasonable answer, a realistic answer, a studied one. I will challenge you and you will challenge me. Let it not be one of comparison, unless compared with a book that my God was big enough to orchestrate for the good of us all.

The wrong kind of undone.

There is a difference in keeping peace and people pleasing. Peace brings rest. The other brings false guilt, unrest, flattery, and self indulgence even. I need peace. I need respect for the things that I want for my family. I need understanding of who I am and my limits and boundaries. I do not want to please you for the sake of doing so. I don't want to become a bitter servant to you, putting my needs aside until I feel undone. I want to be honest when I need to say no, and without backlash. I am an individual and don't see everything the same as you. That is okay. That fact is good. There needs to be mutual understanding, and love. It can be discussion, and hashing out points of consideration. But, in the end it is my decision, or the decision of my own family together. My family comes before other things and I answer to God alone. I measure my decision against His Word only, and not always perfectly at that. If we disagree, do not try and shame me. Don't give me a hard time. It will just divide us. And, if you are wrong, admit it. Forgiveness brings peace. Understanding brings peace. Pulling each other up brings rest for my soul, and also for yours.    

A minute to let go of frustrations.

I don't have time to be here. I am exhausted and overwhelmed this week. Often. I have laundry and dishes to do, school to blog and report, kids hair to cut and wash. Life is busy and full. My heart is not full at the moment. It comes in waves. I am waiting. I am longing for so much more but stuck in a half house. Half full of Jesus and half full of unbelief. It makes me angry, frustrated. Vented anger is unloving. That adds to the un-Jesus parts. A half way house is a perfect metaphor for how I feel; partly recovered but on probation, and surrounded by the destroying sickness that could send you back to the hell you came out of. I try to be brave. Everyday. And since leaving my bed is leaving my comfort zone, everyday is hard. That sounds ridiculous, but it is true. Everyday is painful and scary and hard. It seems that the only escape is to fly free of all of this and live a simple serving life. I know that life. When you are completely walking in the will of the Father, there is no fear. Or at least no overcoming, unhealthy fear.
So, here I am waiting for some free flying and some brave people to step up. Why is it that we protect the wrong, and in that decision, maim the weaker. Sometimes even maim the whole. I am waiting for a change in community. Community is important. Overarchingly important. And that is not even a word but it should be. There is an overarching (and that is a word) importance to protect the whole. Fix the problem or we will all bleed to death. Think in terms of the body. Cuts bleed. Infections fester. But, salves heal. Kind words mend. Bandages tied protect. And it is time for diagnoses. It is time for a growing. I no longer want to be a transplant that is never fully functioning. I want to be part of the whole. It is the time for that.     
Pray for me. For my family. For my heart health. For my community of God seeking people. I know what my heart speaks. I just have to wait for the changes.      

dirt ground.

I feel like I am getting dirty. Pain makes one dirty. And then a need to dig out, and be washed over.
I have learned that I am more introverted than I thought. I long to be home, to be close, to be quiet. I dread being the center of attention and hosting an event. I love close gatherings where people that I love through friendship, or community, can deep talk. I need deep talk- it lifts the dirt away. When I feel the need to separate and seclude myself, it is then that I know that I should step closer.
Seclusion equals walls. Don't hole yourself up. Don't perfect yourself into a little box, sealed up closed. Instead lay down, or stand still- let your shoulders rub with diverse people. Let God be your foundation and let Him move you.
I feel the need to secure foundations. To check the perimeters. But, I also feel the need to be moved. Some shaking, and shifting, and settling is good. These things can speak that foundations are strong. Shake off the dirt. Renovate the insides. Put the dirt under my feet, and use it for solid ground.

When the heart is humble, oh, what the hands can do!

Brokenness + Love = Character. I am so thankful for being broken. There is character built in understanding pain. I get it. I get why someone would give up on things that matter. I get it why someone would mark themselves unredeemable. There is a difference between selfish vanity and broken pain. Brokenness can be redeemed. In words like "I get it" there can come healing. I am so thankful for being broken, it will be for His glory in the end, and that is everything.
It is like my roughed-up home. We are grateful that this house is a little worn because it is more useful. Things too shiny are left untouched, worried that they will be marked up. But broken things are used without fear. Worn in things are known to be sturdy and comfortable. Lord, let me be worn-in and comfortable, and let me become old and beautiful. 

What about the children?

I feel a bit of a sifting. Sifting is weighty business. I feel the adding on and building of new dreams. Or rather new callings. There is only one problem. I am at my end. God has to take it from here. It will take time, but God is in no rush. His purposes are full and intricate, weaved together. I am about faith, and we are about family, about being purposeful and true. Intentional. But at the end of faith, there is action. I am no longer looking at some foreign romanticized mission. I am looking at a broken, messy, aching need.
So for now there will be prayer. I first need to be a mom who displays loving-kindness foremost. This is hard. I am tired. I am impatient. I was raised harshly. I still feel the harshness searing me at times. It breeds fear. I am afraid of everything. But, I am also the Lord's. I belong to Him first and foremost, and His good love casts out all that fear. He has changed our home front when it comes to teaching our children, and we are in the midst of some good marriage deepening too. He is able to change the way in which I approach discipline. The way I react to disobedience, the kind that wears at you, day in and day out. It will start with something like this.... His loving-kindness leads us to repentance. And I will search Him out until I look back and see where I've come.
And then He will add on purpose to that, to this, change. And, maybe a man will change along side me- before or after. There is no limit to God. A path beyond imagination, as long as we choose "yes."   

stirring up

If church is the small talk of conversation, then home-groups are the deep. A church community is so vital. I have missed this, but found it again recently. When I was young, I remember tons of this. The places where I longed to be with the adults listening in on their conversations about God and life. I came home joy-filled this Sunday, after a potluck and fellowship. With just two of my kids, I stayed late- past the bigger crowd, and enjoyed some deeper conversation. And, the best.... amidst the conversation was the Word of God. I am blessed. Four kids. A church community. A good husband. A Father and Lord who chose me first and is involved in the details of my life. Phew. Blessed. I often feel sad, and far, overwhelmed.... but these moments, they renew my soul.

Hebrews 10:19-25 (English Standard Version)

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁹ Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, ²⁰ by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, ²¹ and since we have a great priest over the house of God, ²² let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. ²³ Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

I should really be sleeping.

Tonight I got a chance to share a good word with an old friend. I am hopeful for her. I also searched for our homeschool curriculum and made a little boy a piece of toast. Before all this, I listened to that good word for myself, and talked with a best now friend. A few hard days are just behind me, but life is made okay when there is a little light shone on the good hanging around. It's 12:23am on a Thankful Thursday so I might as well start my list. I am thankful for....
1. Talk of a soon-to-be-born baby to a sweet old friend. 
2. A good word from a new resource. (A free app from Mars Hill Church- so far so good).  
3. Looking forward to Sarah's thankfulnesses..... I really do. They are simply picturesque.
4. My kindred spirit friend, who I can pray with, share with, and make play dates with. 
5. An upcoming yearly trip with kindred spirit friend. 
6. For BC having the best funding for homeschoolers.
7. For a series on the apostles from a knowledgeable Pastor.
8. For an organized email from our new teaching mentor, which encourages me that all things are well.
9. For four gorgeous, healthy, strong children. When I look at them, I can't believe I am blessed with four children.
10. For change and for my husband who I grow with yearly. (Married 8 years next month).

To read. To confirm.

I am following some really lovely blogs at the moment. It is good when things speak confirmation in your life.
Wanna join me?

http://www.aholyexperience.com/

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/04/09/in-need-of-an-emergency-contact/

A thought for the day.

I think it would be lovely if we could just plan out who we wanted to be and be just that, only and perfectly. If we could form a collection of thoughts and then walk into those things easily and fully. I want to be, long to be, fully kind. I want to be ever-patient, slow to anger, graceful, even beautiful or put together. I am sometimes said to be encouraging, wise occasionally. I hold to those things thankfully. But, what of those places that I can't grasp hold of- those ever-patient kind of places? I am fully human, unable to be without fault. I have been shaped and taught from my circumstances. I have been carved from legacies and traditions, from habits. I am foreign to certain traits and places, and when tired I retreat back into my personal cultural norm.
When I was young, I used to think I was strong. I could hold to my beliefs like nobody's business. I could hold tightly to a standard of my choosing. I was strong because I could hold on. And, what did people say of me? I was caring, cute, smart, shy. But, was that enough?
As I age, in body and spirit, I feel broken and weak more often than not. Life is tumbling forward at a much quicker kind of pace. I can't always juggle and organize all of the choices that I want to keep to. I am tired and retreating to my weaker state. In this, I have found that being strong is not about holding on; it is about letting go. It is about who God says I am. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am chosen. I am hemmed in.
The world speaks of the outside. My God is concerned with the inside.
I need to think on that. My focus not towards patience, or some other ideal. I need to work on letting go. I need to let go of all the things that I want to form, and give God room to form His good plan, in me and through me. To lay all my plans before Him. To not focus on the end or the wanted fruitfulness, but the means- namely God Himself. My plans never work out my way anyways. I can never protect my kids enough, be patient enough, use grace-filled words enough, keep my house pure enough, or keep myself pure enough. I can only let God build character in my kids through trials and lessons; I can only let Him build my character when I reset each day with perseverance; I can only steward my children to grow at their own pace and pray that they turn out well; I can only ask Him for the words when I am at a loss; I can only seek and lean into God and His word, and let Him do the purifying and heart changing from the inside out.

I am not fully strong when I hold on tightly.... I am only strong enough when I let go. 

The second part of that thought.

These Hollywood Noah type of trends are really bothering me. I get that God can use even the smallest part of something and use it for His good and glory, but that is His business. Our business is to strive for truth. We are not perfect. We cannot be perfect, except for in Him. We will continually not be perfect. We can however reason and choose.
I have heard many views regarding these kind of movies. I don't like them myself. I find that if they are altering the Word of God, then there is too much room for deception. Is that not the greatest evil- not an outright lie, but a truth twisted until we can't recognize where the truth ends and the lie begins. Remember.... why are we not remembering? Why do I even care? I care because we are family- you and I. We are Christian brothers and sisters- something my eldest son finds highly amusing and profound- that I would be his sister in Christ. But, it is true and so I admonish you.... and I hope you admonish me when need be. Can we please just sharpen each other? How can we grow, if not together? We were not meant to grow alone.
I have even heard the opinion that people would not be angered at a book-turned-movie having some differences. But this is our history being changed. Would people not be angered if a president of good standing, of virtue, was depicted as a tortured and violent soul? The bible does present the fact that the days of Noah were violent, but that Noah was a righteous man. And so, I was up late reading Genesis 6, 7, 8, and 9.
You can read it here for the real story: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+6%2C7%2C+8%2C+9&version=ESV

Truth is still truth, God is still God.

I believe that the bible is the infallible Word of God- that is, it is trustworthy, sure, unfailing. I believe my God is powerful. I believe Him to be all-knowing and ever-seeing. And that means to me, that He would be able to bring together a book that speaks about Him and His characteristics and His story. History.
I am dumbfounded right now that some Christians don't seem to believe this. Maybe they are confused or are being deceived slowly by some kind of influences? But, I really don't get it. If you don't believe the Word of God as truth, when it is the actual basis for your whole belief system, then won't that belief system then just implode upon itself and ultimately crumble? Our understanding and application may change, but the basis of truth is our base of truth.
Read and decide for yourself....

2 Timothy 3 (ESV) ~

Godlessness in the Last Days

3 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. ² For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, ⁴ treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵ having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ⁶ For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, ⁷ always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. ⁸ Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. ⁹ But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men.

All Scripture Is Breathed Out by God
¹⁰ You, however, have followed my teaching, my conduct, my aim in life, my faith, my patience, my love, my steadfastness, ¹¹ my persecutions and sufferings that happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium, and at Lystra—which persecutions I endured; yet from them all the Lord rescued me. ¹² Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, ¹³ while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. ¹⁴ But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it ¹⁵ and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. ¹⁶ All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, ¹⁷ that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

 

Motherhood

I have always wanted to be a mother. Just a mother. Maybe there were hints at other things, but those things were just to fill time until I could fill my days with children. I was never trained for motherhood. I dreamed and imagined, planned. But, I never trained. I am not a good cook, or rather I think I could be but I don't enjoy cooking. I like to sew, but mostly quilts. I have taken on homeschooling, and I did take a year of college back in the day that surrounded linguistics- maybe that helps. I have never learned to nurture fully, cook grandly, clean constantly, bake, sew, plant and tend a garden, or the logistics of the best way to discipline. I am glad however that God is in this motherhood business and has put in me, in us, an innate sense of how to care for our children, but even so I mess up continually.
This stream of thought has led me to thinking about other dreams. I am in mine fully now. I have more to make and plan (although I have learned through experience and self-inflicted disappointment, that God is the best planner really). In life I have begun to take initiative, to search, to take hold of my own learning and training. I no longer want to leave things to lovely thoughts, but want to search out what is needed to get to those places. I am ready to work hard.... at least I want to be ready.... I will try to be ready and not get weary of heart. And the training may be book knowledge, but the searching will be of God- for God in it all. Dreams, my dreams, come to fulfillment when they are lined up with God's plans. I just want to kick myself in the head to change things that I can't plan out-rightly. I want control of what I want everything to look like, but it never goes that way, and I am a slave to engraved habits and legacies. But again, God is also in the business of changing heart-ways, and heart-ways lead to action. The heart begins the rest. And, what is a dream, but a heart longing.... a silent prayer, beginning within- in a place where only God resides and interacts with us. That is a good place to start.

I Am Yours, and You Are Mine. (Oceans by Hillsong)

I so appreciate things like this.....

Church on a knoll, life in the fields.

........... And, on a knoll, there is a church. A building with walls. A shelter, a safety. A place to gather. A place of imperfection. Where the near-sighted and far-sighted join. Where the generations rub shoulders and the next of these gather under foot. Where stories old and new are shared and the Word is forefront. A place where God moves from those bowed in heart. Where dirt is rubbed off. Where love is pressed on. Where young and where old both have position, not one greater, each with purpose. Each purpose fore chosen from God himself. Where waiting on God is common and worshipping full is sought out. A place that is a second-home, a brother's house. Where you go to fill, to fellowship, and then back into wide expanses, arms open.... to open fields.   

Breaking walls.

I would like to live in a field. Laid bare. No walls. Open to all the elements. The good showing,  the bad wasting away.
 

....golden wheat grass or lavender hills.... expansive miles that meet the sky...

...rolling hills.... open arms.... strong warm wind....

...standing open... eyes closed..... but heart raised.... no, heart bowed.....

feeling the surrounding hand of God.... behind and before.... glory shouting from all creation.... a song in the silence..... a heart song.... giving over.... letting go.... leaning into the wind..... leaning into I Am....

I would like to live in a field.

stories of redemption

I've just finished reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. Such a poetic book about thankfulness and the grace surrounding it. I love the way she writes. Even more so, I love the way that God worked in her heart. I love the way He redeemed her name- Ann: Full of grace. Isn't that our God. Redeemer.
This year it seems that I am beginning to enter into a homeschool of sorts for myself. I am needing to challenge my thinking and reasoning, and just take in some new perspectives. I am glad that God doesn't expect us to be copycats. I am glad that as we seek Him, we find heart changes. I am tired. It is so hard to change things that are twined around your core of being. I am hoping for some new heart changes. I would like to seek out a firm redeeming of my name as well. 

He works all thing for the good of those....

As I struggle lately, I see all sorts of pieces. As I try to fit together God's plan in my human mind, I see bits of thread. I see where He's brought me, in one place. I see Him leading my children, gathering them up in the now. Big theological questions come from a little man body, talks of baptism, a Kid's Church lesson that has led to daily prayers- unguided, self-initiated prayers. And this morn, with my daughter, talks of decision. Faith in itself has been growing. And that first kindle of faith is where we start to believe. This is big. All these things are fruit. As long as there is fruit I can be okay.
I have been thinking of all prayers. Of lunch time prayers. I don't like meaningless speech. I don't like prayers that are fake and so I often wonder at the significance. Or maybe of where I can find significance- meaning for my heart. Of course, we are thankful for provision, but why in this way? I have been reading a book of thanks, of a mom that seeks out grace-joy-thankfulness. Is it not to forget- this custom that we do daily? I think a thought of the beginning. Does this go all the way back to when the Israelites had to trust God for their meal, for the manna? The "what is it?" And then they gave thanks, and carried on giving thanks. To never forget that the provision was given by God Himself. And why do we think that just because we can go get our provisions at want, that it still does not come from God Himself? This has meaning to me. This I can give thanks for- to remember, to practice, to never let our children forget- to teach them, to teach ourselves, that all this is from God's hand. From His very hand.
And as of late, I have had another thought. Of prayers unspoken. Of prayers that I never asked for, but needed regardless. Of a God who sees me and knows me, and knows better than I know myself. I see my husband who is a gentle man- a man who loves his children and treasures them, and does not easily anger. A man who frustrates me to no end with his inability to see the urgency in any given situation. But then, where is the urgency? Is that just me. In all this, God has given me a huge gift. A gentle man- father-husband. And, I am thankful. And, this is fruit. Fruit of a thread woven in by God.

lovely words

I love words. I love my friend's blogs. I love when people share. Sharing equals letting someone in. If you never give of yourself, someone will never really know you. I think knowing brings on grace. If you know the depths of someone's heart and circumstance, then you will understand the whys. In that understanding there is grace, for the human heart knows of it's own struggle and can relate to another. Are you sharing of yourself? Thoughts? Why or why not?