Something New

So this....
http://redeemia.blogspot.ca/2015/05/the-start-of-something-new.html

A quiet day.

I am well. Nothing has changed but things are changing. It is in this pain that my God has brought blessing once again. In the midst of healing there is joy. After the digging out, there is renewal of the understanding of grace. To be redeemed, is to be shown love. My God is unfathomably amazing. I am doing it all wrong and weird, and just for the cause of not giving in to being stuck. Standing in mud.
If I stand in the wind all the muddiness that is caked on will begin to fall off. I have found a place to stand in the wind. There is so much more to come....

paintings and scriptures

I have been feeling better lately. Hope is returning even though no concrete changes are being made, no frustrations settled completely. Church has been a place of restoration and much reflective healing. Is it weird to go to one church to get healing from another and perspective of what to do about it? I guess not in the bigger scheme, but it messes with the human one. So now, do I begin to speak? Is it wise to encourage hearts that are stuck hard, without having current relationship? Or do I stay clear for the sake of self preservation? I don't want to speak if it is time to move over, even if it doesn't seem likely that that can happen yet. I also don't want to talk about it anymore if there is no ambition for change, no hope for improvement, no reason to speak.
This week I had a picture for me and a challenge from the Pastor (and James). The picture brought a reminder of hope, and spoke of God's loving-kindness. The challenge, thoughts of action and parts to play. Do I let bravery reside again here? This sticking point is strange. I don't want to miss the boat. I also don't want to join a mundane reality. I really don't want to say one word.... but should I? Am I supposed to?

a second to write

I want to learn to paint more. I have beautiful, metaphorical pictures in my mind that I would like to paint.
I like to quilt. I have ambitions to quilt for all of my kids and onward. I have a quilt and a bit to go.
I love to write. Writing is cathartic and I would like to write a book or two eventually. I have ideas stored away.

I want to investigate some counselling courses. I would like a career that helps people. My post-natal therapist inspired me and got me thinking. What one has been through, God can use for good.
I like to host tea. Getting together with friends makes life good and is essential for mamma health.
I love deep conversation. Small talk makes me uneasy.

I want to learn to cope better with noise and have patience. I need more quiet in my life, but that doesn't always happen with a houseful.
I like to take initiative when teaching my kids, homeschool and otherwise. Taking time to re-evaluate what is important, matters to me. There is nothing better than watching your kids grow well.
I love when we explore and learn together. Learning is never done.

I want to be involved with a ministry. Purposeful life brings hope.
I like to meet for bible study. If I invite you, it is because this is really my favorite thing to do. Scripture never disappoints.
I love growing in servanthood and perspective. I really love my God. I don't want to be stagnant, ever, it gets bad from there.

I want to adopt at some point, not quite yet. Aboriginal and close by, maybe siblings....
I like being a mother and encouraging other mothers. I have experienced saddening loss, and have experienced great hope through the birth of my children. They are the best gifts.
I love babies. The birth of babies make me cry joy tears.

..... It is Thankful Thursday. These thoughts make me thankful for the trials, gifts, family, plans, and hopes of what is yet to come. Count your blessings up and don't forget them. Share them with your children. Remind yourself of who God is and what He has done.

I've Got a Little Army

New Question:
How can we help equip you to use your gifts?
I am resetting. This question would be a great way to restructure. Start from the giver and move forward into servanthood. I don't want to be served. I want to grow, but I want to be where the people are. I want to be where I can help. And, I want to do it with somebody. I am tired of being alone really. I am tired of being shoved in a corner until my kids grow up. I have been raising these kids for ten years. I want to train them to love and serve through them seeing me be able and willing to do so. I am not complaining here. I have many ideas and ambitions, but one does get worn out without any venue to move....
I am a stepper. I don't like to wait to have it all together. I relish in the thought that I can start walking and my God can meet me half way. That is where faith is built.
I am also an encourager. With encouragement comes admonishment too. When something is on my heart, I do not have the ability to remain silent. Or rather I could, but I feel like I am doing something wrong even. I appreciate resolve. The catch is that I will not say anything unless a person knows my heart. Unless they know me. You can not speak into someone's life if you don't share it. Ah, there is another good thought right there, to ponder for a moment. It goes back to the alone thing....
So, I am only having fellowship, and encouragement in the places where my close friends are, and they are not where I am, or at the church that I am trying to be a part of. I do not wish to stay secluded to my best of friends only. I want to interact and be changed by a whole body of believers. (PS-Even the ones that are not like me or who rub me the wrong way.)
How can I change things so that I am rubbing shoulders with my church? I can't, but God can.  For now it looks to me like I am being asked to stand still.....
To rest.   

Thy Will Be Done

Tonight my heart is a little bit happier. I am sitting bundled up in a comfortable silence, and reading beautiful things. This week I have simplified life enough to gain some perspective. It is in this quiet that wisdom speaks into the air. When there is too much noise I cannot find my bearings. I need to find my bearings again. I want to be the peacemaker. I long to be the one who is looking for opportunity to speak grace into someone's heart. I need to return to the person who sees struggle and finds ways to lift up. I want to be more than just a mother so that my children have such a strong example of servanthood and grace. I want them to find their comfort in truth and loving kindness inter-twined. And, I want that always for myself as well. And so, I am regrouping and pausing because I know that God has a better plan.

  

A Sincere Thought.

Life has been unwound. Home has been not-so-pretty in my mind and heart. It is not nearly put together around here. Many issues are having to be reworked in my thoughts. Next step plans are being made and sorted over. There is a lot of weighing going on. Honestly, when is there not, just sometimes it is a little more intense in content. In this there is prayer and counsel from the ones closest to me- sometimes a wise and loved friend who is untouched by the issues at hand.
I have been forced to sift once again. A question: What is church?
I am getting nothing settling. Or rather, I am getting circles of thoughts, winding back to the same inconclusive ones. In the past few days I have read up on 1 Timothy 3 (I won't type it out, but please read it).... a outline for leadership. It is clear but yet not giving me any peace. I have talked to an unbiased friend and have still been at a standstill. It is only in an unexpected place tonight that I have had my heart stir with an ease of God's voice.
A new question: Where is it that you can use your giftings?
In this my heart is stirred. Maybe we are all asking the wrong questions. Maybe we are all trying to find peace of mind in being served, when God has called us to serve. That doesn't mean accepting things that are unholy, but maybe in serving in our full God given places, we will overflow Jesus and move the hard places.
I have been and I am sure will be, concerned for the spiritual health of my children. I am responsible to be a steward of how they are brought up. I want them to have friends that encourage them. I want them to have people that they can do life well with. Maybe those people aren't just friends. Or rather, maybe those people aren't just peers of their same age. I am reminded that the most influential people in my life were not other kids. The people that exampled Jesus were; facilitators, worship leaders, pastors, teachers, and counsellors. They were women and men that overflowed Jesus in their lives. People like Donna Bromley and Ruth Young, mothers and grandmothers that brought young preteens into their homes and mentored them upward. There are many others that I can think of too, ordinary people inspired to use their God-given gifts for good. To build up.
Now, I am tired, and not just because it is after midnight.... but I find no restorative rest in anything other than Jesus himself. I would like to just move. I would like to search for the best of the best for my family. But the best is not a destination.
A question to ask: Where in my life can I use my abilities and God-given giftings?
If I am not being, or cannot be used of God, then why am I here? I want to live a purposeful life. I want to make intentional choices. I am not moved by others, and God can fill the spaces. This is not the conclusion of the issues at heart.... I am glad it is a start....

Almost Christmas.

God does not give us a free pass. God gives us free love. He does not take away the normal of the world, but gives us instead peace when we ask and greater joy in rejoicing. Being a Christian doesn't mean we are transported into a world protected from every thing that scars. It means that our scars can be used to help, to heal, for redemption. Nothing wasted. God does not waste anything. Every event is threaded into another, for purpose, used fully if we let Him. Even if we don't. He has the last word. He knows beyond the realm of our understanding. Being a Christian doesn't mean we are immediately perfected or expected to be. It means we are striving for more. It is an opening of our eyes to the vastness of God. It means an awareness of the extent of our evils. And most of all, it is a call to love. Beyond ourselves. It is a call to love because we are loved. Without borders.
And, it is almost Christmas. A reminder of this love to give.

freeing words

The hardest thing in life, is trying to be me. There is a heaviness in trying to remain who I am in the midst of some. Is trying on my soul to be pushed, bullied, misunderstood, ignored, and grouped in with people who are not presenting what I stand for. Family can be the biggest critic. Disrespect is the culture of mine. I can be culprit of it all too. It entangles. I hate that the most. I don't want to be tangled. Just when I feel free, if only a bit, I am dragged under again into the bitter rage. The not-so-funny thing is, we all just want to feel love. To be loved in our own. To be ourselves.
I just long for a life where I can be left alone. I am drawn to those who are encouraging, strengthening, and challenge me. I want to be that too. I think I am, unless I am feeling dragged. Please don't drag me anymore.

Time for a song.

This makes me want to ditch this place, whatever it is....

Sometimes one can just not remain silent

 I am sick from the bend. I am tired from the "if we can't beat 'em join 'em" attitude. I am sad at the confusion that comes when we let cultural lie siphon into long-standing, unchanging truth. God loving people should be having conversations. No one should be hushing. And what we disagree upon, we should hash out by comparing notes on the word of God and what it all means. There is culture involved, and literary tones. The Bible is one story alone, of an unchanging God through an ever changing, stubborn, needing of love world. If we let go of the reverence of that, then where does our faith come from? Yes, some issues are minor, are personal preference; but some issues change the way we are family, the way we do life, and the way we show grace or hear truth. Maybe we need to decide personally which is which. That will not come from making light of anything but from seeking out all truth. I am big on truth. Ream me out, discuss, change my mind, challenge me, admonish me, let us cry it out.... but do not snuff out the truth. That kills me. That makes my heart long for home. So, give me a reasonable answer, a realistic answer, a studied one. I will challenge you and you will challenge me. Let it not be one of comparison, unless compared with a book that my God was big enough to orchestrate for the good of us all.

The wrong kind of undone.

There is a difference in keeping peace and people pleasing. Peace brings rest. The other brings false guilt, unrest, flattery, and self indulgence even. I need peace. I need respect for the things that I want for my family. I need understanding of who I am and my limits and boundaries. I do not want to please you for the sake of doing so. I don't want to become a bitter servant to you, putting my needs aside until I feel undone. I want to be honest when I need to say no, and without backlash. I am an individual and don't see everything the same as you. That is okay. That fact is good. There needs to be mutual understanding, and love. It can be discussion, and hashing out points of consideration. But, in the end it is my decision, or the decision of my own family together. My family comes before other things and I answer to God alone. I measure my decision against His Word only, and not always perfectly at that. If we disagree, do not try and shame me. Don't give me a hard time. It will just divide us. And, if you are wrong, admit it. Forgiveness brings peace. Understanding brings peace. Pulling each other up brings rest for my soul, and also for yours.    

A minute to let go of frustrations.

I don't have time to be here. I am exhausted and overwhelmed this week. Often. I have laundry and dishes to do, school to blog and report, kids hair to cut and wash. Life is busy and full. My heart is not full at the moment. It comes in waves. I am waiting. I am longing for so much more but stuck in a half house. Half full of Jesus and half full of unbelief. It makes me angry, frustrated. Vented anger is unloving. That adds to the un-Jesus parts. A half way house is a perfect metaphor for how I feel; partly recovered but on probation, and surrounded by the destroying sickness that could send you back to the hell you came out of. I try to be brave. Everyday. And since leaving my bed is leaving my comfort zone, everyday is hard. That sounds ridiculous, but it is true. Everyday is painful and scary and hard. It seems that the only escape is to fly free of all of this and live a simple serving life. I know that life. When you are completely walking in the will of the Father, there is no fear. Or at least no overcoming, unhealthy fear.
So, here I am waiting for some free flying and some brave people to step up. Why is it that we protect the wrong, and in that decision, maim the weaker. Sometimes even maim the whole. I am waiting for a change in community. Community is important. Overarchingly important. And that is not even a word but it should be. There is an overarching (and that is a word) importance to protect the whole. Fix the problem or we will all bleed to death. Think in terms of the body. Cuts bleed. Infections fester. But, salves heal. Kind words mend. Bandages tied protect. And it is time for diagnoses. It is time for a growing. I no longer want to be a transplant that is never fully functioning. I want to be part of the whole. It is the time for that.     
Pray for me. For my family. For my heart health. For my community of God seeking people. I know what my heart speaks. I just have to wait for the changes.      

dirt ground.

I feel like I am getting dirty. Pain makes one dirty. And then a need to dig out, and be washed over.
I have learned that I am more introverted than I thought. I long to be home, to be close, to be quiet. I dread being the center of attention and hosting an event. I love close gatherings where people that I love through friendship, or community, can deep talk. I need deep talk- it lifts the dirt away. When I feel the need to separate and seclude myself, it is then that I know that I should step closer.
Seclusion equals walls. Don't hole yourself up. Don't perfect yourself into a little box, sealed up closed. Instead lay down, or stand still- let your shoulders rub with diverse people. Let God be your foundation and let Him move you.
I feel the need to secure foundations. To check the perimeters. But, I also feel the need to be moved. Some shaking, and shifting, and settling is good. These things can speak that foundations are strong. Shake off the dirt. Renovate the insides. Put the dirt under my feet, and use it for solid ground.

When the heart is humble, oh, what the hands can do!

Brokenness + Love = Character. I am so thankful for being broken. There is character built in understanding pain. I get it. I get why someone would give up on things that matter. I get it why someone would mark themselves unredeemable. There is a difference between selfish vanity and broken pain. Brokenness can be redeemed. In words like "I get it" there can come healing. I am so thankful for being broken, it will be for His glory in the end, and that is everything.
It is like my roughed-up home. We are grateful that this house is a little worn because it is more useful. Things too shiny are left untouched, worried that they will be marked up. But broken things are used without fear. Worn in things are known to be sturdy and comfortable. Lord, let me be worn-in and comfortable, and let me become old and beautiful. 

What about the children?

I feel a bit of a sifting. Sifting is weighty business. I feel the adding on and building of new dreams. Or rather new callings. There is only one problem. I am at my end. God has to take it from here. It will take time, but God is in no rush. His purposes are full and intricate, weaved together. I am about faith, and we are about family, about being purposeful and true. Intentional. But at the end of faith, there is action. I am no longer looking at some foreign romanticized mission. I am looking at a broken, messy, aching need.
So for now there will be prayer. I first need to be a mom who displays loving-kindness foremost. This is hard. I am tired. I am impatient. I was raised harshly. I still feel the harshness searing me at times. It breeds fear. I am afraid of everything. But, I am also the Lord's. I belong to Him first and foremost, and His good love casts out all that fear. He has changed our home front when it comes to teaching our children, and we are in the midst of some good marriage deepening too. He is able to change the way in which I approach discipline. The way I react to disobedience, the kind that wears at you, day in and day out. It will start with something like this.... His loving-kindness leads us to repentance. And I will search Him out until I look back and see where I've come.
And then He will add on purpose to that, to this, change. And, maybe a man will change along side me- before or after. There is no limit to God. A path beyond imagination, as long as we choose "yes."   

stirring up

If church is the small talk of conversation, then home-groups are the deep. A church community is so vital. I have missed this, but found it again recently. When I was young, I remember tons of this. The places where I longed to be with the adults listening in on their conversations about God and life. I came home joy-filled this Sunday, after a potluck and fellowship. With just two of my kids, I stayed late- past the bigger crowd, and enjoyed some deeper conversation. And, the best.... amidst the conversation was the Word of God. I am blessed. Four kids. A church community. A good husband. A Father and Lord who chose me first and is involved in the details of my life. Phew. Blessed. I often feel sad, and far, overwhelmed.... but these moments, they renew my soul.

Hebrews 10:19-25 (English Standard Version)

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁹ Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, ²⁰ by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, ²¹ and since we have a great priest over the house of God, ²² let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. ²³ Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

I should really be sleeping.

Tonight I got a chance to share a good word with an old friend. I am hopeful for her. I also searched for our homeschool curriculum and made a little boy a piece of toast. Before all this, I listened to that good word for myself, and talked with a best now friend. A few hard days are just behind me, but life is made okay when there is a little light shone on the good hanging around. It's 12:23am on a Thankful Thursday so I might as well start my list. I am thankful for....
1. Talk of a soon-to-be-born baby to a sweet old friend. 
2. A good word from a new resource. (A free app from Mars Hill Church- so far so good).  
3. Looking forward to Sarah's thankfulnesses..... I really do. They are simply picturesque.
4. My kindred spirit friend, who I can pray with, share with, and make play dates with. 
5. An upcoming yearly trip with kindred spirit friend. 
6. For BC having the best funding for homeschoolers.
7. For a series on the apostles from a knowledgeable Pastor.
8. For an organized email from our new teaching mentor, which encourages me that all things are well.
9. For four gorgeous, healthy, strong children. When I look at them, I can't believe I am blessed with four children.
10. For change and for my husband who I grow with yearly. (Married 8 years next month).

To read. To confirm.

I am following some really lovely blogs at the moment. It is good when things speak confirmation in your life.
Wanna join me?

http://www.aholyexperience.com/

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/04/09/in-need-of-an-emergency-contact/

A thought for the day.

I think it would be lovely if we could just plan out who we wanted to be and be just that, only and perfectly. If we could form a collection of thoughts and then walk into those things easily and fully. I want to be, long to be, fully kind. I want to be ever-patient, slow to anger, graceful, even beautiful or put together. I am sometimes said to be encouraging, wise occasionally. I hold to those things thankfully. But, what of those places that I can't grasp hold of- those ever-patient kind of places? I am fully human, unable to be without fault. I have been shaped and taught from my circumstances. I have been carved from legacies and traditions, from habits. I am foreign to certain traits and places, and when tired I retreat back into my personal cultural norm.
When I was young, I used to think I was strong. I could hold to my beliefs like nobody's business. I could hold tightly to a standard of my choosing. I was strong because I could hold on. And, what did people say of me? I was caring, cute, smart, shy. But, was that enough?
As I age, in body and spirit, I feel broken and weak more often than not. Life is tumbling forward at a much quicker kind of pace. I can't always juggle and organize all of the choices that I want to keep to. I am tired and retreating to my weaker state. In this, I have found that being strong is not about holding on; it is about letting go. It is about who God says I am. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am chosen. I am hemmed in.
The world speaks of the outside. My God is concerned with the inside.
I need to think on that. My focus not towards patience, or some other ideal. I need to work on letting go. I need to let go of all the things that I want to form, and give God room to form His good plan, in me and through me. To lay all my plans before Him. To not focus on the end or the wanted fruitfulness, but the means- namely God Himself. My plans never work out my way anyways. I can never protect my kids enough, be patient enough, use grace-filled words enough, keep my house pure enough, or keep myself pure enough. I can only let God build character in my kids through trials and lessons; I can only let Him build my character when I reset each day with perseverance; I can only steward my children to grow at their own pace and pray that they turn out well; I can only ask Him for the words when I am at a loss; I can only seek and lean into God and His word, and let Him do the purifying and heart changing from the inside out.

I am not fully strong when I hold on tightly.... I am only strong enough when I let go.