Vacay, homeschool mom style.

Tomorrow we are off to the homeschool convention (a friend and I, as well as many other moms). I can't wait to have some fun and to not have to worry about houses and children for awhile. My babe is all good and I hope and pray it is all kicking and stretching from here. It is a sunny day out there and I am ready to go sit on the deck and soak it up for awhile before hemming pants, cleaning bathrooms, packing bags, and soccer practice. 

always waiting for something

This pressure is getting to me. I cannot do my laundry. It smells like pee! I need to move. I don't want to move. I don't have money to fix the problem. What do I pray for? My 12 week appointment was not good. She could not find the baby's heartbeat. I go back in three days now. I hate this. Hate it. I saw this little bean moving and beating. Why is this happening now? I am too tired for pressure. It is snowing. That makes it all worse when it is April. We all need some vitamin D on our skin, and some freedom to get out of the house and into the warmth. I want some pretty and frivolous for awhile. Some comfort. Some extra just-for-you days....

frustrated thoughts

So I am going to ponder and hash this out for awhile. I love the history of our church. Not the bad stuff but the people who are there and I've known forever. The good that has come out of the struggle. I am wondering this morning, why have families left? A few have been offended by uncaring/ thoughtless words. A few because there is not enough for families. A few because there is nothing for the men. There is a focus outwards and people are being neglected. I think this is partly because there was a generation gone for awhile but there are a huge amount of families coming to this town for work now. Right now. Someone needs to start remembering what it is like to have children. Someone needs to care about the future. Someone needs to stop being tired of all that has gone on and start a new ministry. One that is straight from the heart of God's word.
This mornings message was good. From a man who doesn't have all the bindings of all that has gone on. A message about all the parts, and all giftings being necessary.
We have a wound in the body. A gap. The gap is the reproductive system. The next generation is being left to waste. I won't let my kids be wasted and if nothing changes, then I will.
Maybe we need new blood. Maybe new leadership. Apparently there has been no one to step up so the same ones stay put. Is this why it is stale?
I don't know what needs to change or can but I see it elsewhere so I know it can be done. Or rather, I know God can make it happen. Is anybody willing?
Bear with me while I type my frustrated thoughts. Pray if you do. I know some of you are part of this whirlwind....

One more thought.

You don't know how bad you need something until you see it. Or feel it. You can cope for a long time but eventually something has to move. I am see a recurring cry. An outcry for something that's missing. My thought is an old one. If you don't want to be used, God will use someone else. He will fulfill his purpose either way. Time to pray.

change please

I am tired of this town. I never wanted to come here. Then I was glad to be here and healing and with a close group of women. Things have again changed so much now and I am needing a change. I am ready to move on but maybe God has other plans still for this town. For us.
I am so disappointed with our church. I believe the purpose of church is for fellowship. (And not just for programs or drop bys.) I want to interact and encourage and be encouraged by others of all ages and stages. I feel like there was a chance to step up and it was passed by. There is no place for family in our church and so families keep leaving. No place for young men and so there are no young fathers. It didn't use to be this way. I don't fellowship at our church. I go and the kids enjoy it but I barely say my hellos and go home. There are no invites for lunches because most go out to dine. If there is a potluck, I sit by myself with the kids and eat in silence which turns to frustrated sad anger before I leave. Why? Because there are no families and no one interacts beyond hellos, at least not outside of their comfort. All members stay in their groups and all seem to want the others around but there is no room. There are no home groups to take your kids to for bible study and so I usually can't go. The mom's group is spacing out even though there are quite a few on the sidelines. Something is not right. Something feels self serving. I am not just sitting here complaining either. I am willing to serve in my giftings, but I am not willing to be manipulated into a space of need until burn-out. I am willing to call on God for answers and I don't want to be dismissive at what can be done.
And these things expand even to family, and I am not alone in this. I hear "We have our own lives" way too often. I miss the family atmosphere of the northern Mennonite backgrounds, where families are not pushed out onto their own but added onto. Where children are welcomed and help and hospitality are huge. 
Anyways, some things go even deeper.... Something needs to give.
I am greatly discouraged as yet another family says goodbye. I long for a city life where there is more for the kids. More to grow. More stability. Or I need God to make a big change here- only He can. 

fruitful labor

I am honored to carry another sweet babe. I saw him/her wiggling away on the ultrasound, heart beating. I love big families. I have wanted many kids from the time I was a young girl. When I was a teenager I met a family with ten children. I did not know you could do that... then I wanted even more. As I have had babies and felt the nine-month-long sickness that comes along with it, I have struggled in this dream, but I still want a big family. What a blessing. A little struggle for nine months or so for a lifetime of having a family. And even more, generations ongoing that you may not even meet until heaven. It is not easy to to bear or raise kids but it is so worth it. So when I get told I am brave for having another, maybe I am. I do not have more patience than another. I am not rich. But I know God provides in every aspect. Each child is a heritage, blessing, reward.... God does not lie and his word says that. Maybe the questions should be.... "Why aren't you having more children? Don't you believe God? When did a big family turn into a curse?".... but I won't say that cause that would be rude, and I often want to give up too. It has been hard, but after the hard, there is joy. I pray this baby is a strong one. I can't wait to add on.

The call.

I finally got the call and will be having my ultrasound on Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I feel like I expect nothing. I hope that I will see a dancing little bean. I remember that with Gemma. She was wiggly dancing on the screen, at nine weeks. So small, but so alive. A relief. Nine weeks! God is a God of wonders.
 I was thinking in church the other day as I sang the favorite words of Psalms, "Praise the LORD, O my soul," that in fact there were two souls inside this body rising up in praise. I pray that is what I get to see on Wednesday....

A soothing old friend.

I am almost eleven weeks. Almost done my first trimester. Waiting for a call about an ultrasound. Having twisted old familiar dreams. In a strange space today. It's that change feeling. Change is coming. Now for the waiting.