Life has been unwound. Home has been not-so-pretty in my mind and heart. It is not nearly put together around here. Many issues are having to be reworked in my thoughts. Next step plans are being made and sorted over. There is a lot of weighing going on. Honestly, when is there not, just sometimes it is a little more intense in content. In this there is prayer and counsel from the ones closest to me- sometimes a wise and loved friend who is untouched by the issues at hand.
I have been forced to sift once again. A question: What is church?
I am getting nothing settling. Or rather, I am getting circles of thoughts, winding back to the same inconclusive ones. In the past few days I have read up on 1 Timothy 3 (I won't type it out, but please read it).... a outline for leadership. It is clear but yet not giving me any peace. I have talked to an unbiased friend and have still been at a standstill. It is only in an unexpected place tonight that I have had my heart stir with an ease of God's voice.
A new question: Where is it that you can use your giftings?
In this my heart is stirred. Maybe we are all asking the wrong questions. Maybe we are all trying to find peace of mind in being served, when God has called us to serve. That doesn't mean accepting things that are unholy, but maybe in serving in our full God given places, we will overflow Jesus and move the hard places.
I have been and I am sure will be, concerned for the spiritual health of my children. I am responsible to be a steward of how they are brought up. I want them to have friends that encourage them. I want them to have people that they can do life well with. Maybe those people aren't just friends. Or rather, maybe those people aren't just peers of their same age. I am reminded that the most influential people in my life were not other kids. The people that exampled Jesus were; facilitators, worship leaders, pastors, teachers, and counsellors. They were women and men that overflowed Jesus in their lives. People like Donna Bromley and Ruth Young, mothers and grandmothers that brought young preteens into their homes and mentored them upward. There are many others that I can think of too, ordinary people inspired to use their God-given gifts for good. To build up.
Now, I am tired, and not just because it is after midnight.... but I find no restorative rest in anything other than Jesus himself. I would like to just move. I would like to search for the best of the best for my family. But the best is not a destination.
A question to ask: Where in my life can I use my abilities and God-given giftings?
If I am not being, or cannot be used of God, then why am I here? I want to live a purposeful life. I want to make intentional choices. I am not moved by others, and God can fill the spaces. This is not the conclusion of the issues at heart.... I am glad it is a start....
