His plan is greater.

I am self absorbed at the moment but it is all I can do to cope! Getting so excited and anxious. I had a good day yesterday. The Lord's will was for baby to turn and be head down. This means alot and was such a relief. I also bought some new music while in town yesterday and didn't realize that it was a worship album with some of my fave songs. Uplifting.

Nine month ultrasound.

It's ultrasound day! Today may determine what will happen for delivery of this babe. The doctor thinks he might have turned head-down now. I think he might have turned back the other night. I swear last night he was sideways.... he has too much room and is a strong little guy. I can't wait to see what happens and to cross the finish line. 

the month of nine.

I am getting so close! I am supposed to have over three weeks left but will I really go that far? I have had long false labor in the past. I dunno. The last few days have been full of painful braxton hicks and false labor at night. I dropped over a week ago and am now feeling the pinching feeling in my pelvis as I think the baby is engaging. The doctor thinks that this babe has now turned but an ultrasound on Monday will tell for sure. I just want to make it through another week so I am assured that all is in the right position and ready to go. I think that there should be a birth retreat place where you can go when you are close to being done so that you can relax and rest and then be there already when labor starts. Someone should get on that idea.
Last night at 3AM this strong little boy was moving around so hard, I felt like I was holding him in and was praying for another day. I swear he is going to kick his water free at any moment when he does that. I am so excited to meet him. I am also so excited to have the pressure off my body. I am cleaning through each room in my head and am now nesting. Eeek. I love just diving into pregnancy at the exciting beginning, even though the first part comes with sickness and the last with pressure; both a little torturous. It is always so worth it in the end. It is October! I hope I have a babe in my arms by the end of this month- sooner preferably :)   

A song

Time.

Yesterday was Wednesday. Wednesday is turn over day in my pregnancy. That means I hit 35 weeks. I have felt ahead this pregnancy and so I have been pushing the counting a bit too. We went to the library yesterday and as I got out of the van, I realized it was Wednesday and it hit me... I am going on to the four countdown!! As in, today I am now 4.6 weeks away from being due to have this baby. Ahhh. I had a nap in the afternoon and woke up shaking a bit. I really hope that I can curb the anxiety. My body is now showing signs of getting ready to deliver. It is weird that when I was due with my first babe, I was excited and a little apprehensive of course. With all preceding children, it is a shaky nervousness. I always can remember the feeling of the baby crowning which is a spot of relief for me but the thought of waking up in a puddle of water and then it being game on makes me overwhelmed. I may still have four to five weeks left. I don't think so though. And this baby has not turned yet and is breech, so add on that thought to the unexpected. I like that all of my labors have been basically the same so that I know what to expect. Now there are numerous scenarios that I just have to wait for. I trust that my God began this and will finish it well. I am still freaking over the thought of labor. It is always worth it. I can't wait to meet this new child of mine. I am still freaking out. Four weeks! 

Admonish

Christianity has such a catch to it. God is so much wiser than we can understand and our brains can hurt trying to put meld everything He said in to something simple. It is complex. It is case by case. We are all striving for the same end but we all struggle in parts of that. The catch is this. Do we let each other struggle or do we hold each other to the means of that end? This is where a word comes in, an instruction:
Admonish....

ad·mon·ish  (d-mnsh)

tr.v. ad·mon·ished, ad·mon·ish·ing, ad·mon·ish·es

1. To reprove gently but earnestly.

2. To counsel (another) against something to be avoided; caution.

3. To remind of something forgotten or disregarded, as an obligation or a responsibility.

 Admonish is one of my favorite thoughts about how we are to be. I have it on a painting along with other words of how I will raise my kids... teach, encourage, train up, admonish.....

I love how it explains grace and action in a word. We so often forget that God's word teaches us to correct and rebuke each other so that we don't fall in to a death trap. We as people find it hard to grasp how we could do such a thing and still have grace. We only see it in the negative and as painful. It may even seem painful, but it is loving. We correct our children because we love them, but what of us that are all adults? Is our learning done? Not at all. And the teacher is the Word of God. No man can boast it is him or her. And I am not talking about correcting every man that walks by and being the sin patrol. I am talking about close brothers and sisters, family, best friends. We want the best for them, or at least we should. If we forget and think that we are judging them if we mention anything confrontational, then how will anyone grow. God uses us to lift each other up. Admonishing shows us how to do that; gently but earnestly. That is not a judgement in the sense of condemning anyone. That is saying remember what God's word says.... and offering counsel in a loving and graceful way. And then that grace that covers will not leave any shame. We don't hold things over each others heads. 

And I think if we stay silent there is risk of another scenario. Of judgement that feels like condemnation. That we will begin to see each other sliding and then question each others faith. We will see action upon action that is hypocritical to the word of God and then we will question who one really is, or where they stand. We will assume that they aren't a Christian because their actions don't match up to this end that we should strive for. We will look for good fruit but be unsure if there is enough.

So there is the catch it seems. Grace is always there, but then what do we do with it?

 Colossians 3:16

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

 Colossians 1:28

He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.

A story from the archives of my self.

Jesus has pulled me out of so much. I am still a "sinner" everyday. I am also an heir to the thrown. Why? Because I chose Him back. I choose Him back everyday. I take His word in all it's entirety. He met me in my sin and he continues to do so. But He expects action. Right? I mean I can do nothing and he still loves me and He still gives me grace that I don't deserve but I don't want to mock Him by taking lightly things that He died to save me from. I don't think it too funny. And when I look back at anything I ever took lightly and when I used His words twisted, I am sad. I am sad because I ignored the warnings of the few that loved me with truth. And, now I sit sit in one of my consequences everyday. Everyday.
How did I come to take things lightly? I was depressed. I was angry at a few blows dealt out to me just because I am human and live in a human world. And then there were a few believers that were taking their faith lightly, were not listening to the word. They wanted to help me out. To get me out. I didn't even want to go. I wanted to be elsewhere and things to be different, but they weren't. So I let them drag me to a place where I didn't have to deal with anything and where there was no judgement about it. It was nice to not care. It was nice to not fight against the battle going on inside of me. There is no war when you take away the enemy. When you join his camp or at least sit there awhile. I never left my God. I always held on. I managed to move myself to a place where I thought I could be pulled out. No one can pull themselves out. And this plan was a place and people, and people aren't very strong. But God had a plan. He pulled me out Himself. But not without consequence first. Like I said, I deal with that everyday. There is no shame. There is no condemnation. People can say, "You know who that is and what she's done?"
And Jesus says, "Yes, I know and she's mine." Jesus loves sinners. I am one. He meets them with truth and woos them to change. He gives choices but not without instruction. His Word is clear. There is not one word without meaning and purpose. All scripture is God breathed....
I don't want to go back to that place. I don't want to forget it. There are reminders sometimes. And I want to be like those who loved me with truth, even though I didn't listen to them myself. I don't want to be like the crew of acceptance who walked me through the enemy's camp pridefully thinking that they are stronger in amongst it all. I fell down and one went on her way tripping a bit and one fell down on the other side of me. That is not good odds.
Anyways, I just came here to write some scriptures and ask some questions, but I guess there was more. Here are the scriptures:

Colossians 3:1-17

New International Version (NIV)

Living as Those Made Alive in Christ

3 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your^[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

⁵ Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶ Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.^{[b] 7} You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸ But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹ Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. ¹¹ Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
 ¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Ephesians 5:1-21

New International Version (NIV)

5 ¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
³ But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. ⁴ Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. ⁵ For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.^{[a] 6} Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. ⁷ Therefore do not be partners with them.
⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) ¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord. ¹¹ Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹² It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. ¹³ But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. ¹⁴ This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.”

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸ Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Trying to settle a disturbed self.

I am disappointed. I am irked. I am even grieved. I feel that in my life there has been some great growth (even though there are still struggles of course). I can see it. It is tangible. But this morn I am sad as there are some that seem to be walking backwards. I want to be connected with them. I want to be friends with them, but I don't condone their behavior. I don't want that behavior to become a norm for me and okay to be surrounded by. Words of grace come up, and there is grace, but what does that mean. There is also truth and uprightness to consider. I am no better than anyone else but I want to strive for things that are pure, lovely, admirable, holy.... not sit in the cultural norm and be apathetic. When I think of grace, I think of forgiveness. I think of encouraging each other out of our struggles and sins, and into peace and joy by acting on truths that we find. I don't think that grace means accepting each others sins as okay and looking the other way, letting each person struggle on their own until they can find a way out themselves. I know that Jesus associated with prostitutes, drunkards, and people of horrible character, but he changed them. He offered grace to the woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery, but then he offered truth. He told them to go and sin no more. He offered it to a rich man too but it was too much for that man. Jesus didn't say well it's all okay then, come around when you feel like it.... he moved on. There is always a choice to make. There is grace but truth is tied into it. There is no grace for evil, there is only grace for people.
I was reminded this week of a time when someone close to me was offered counseling before considering divorce. She was not a Christian and the counselor was and so their views were very different. I had thought that she shouldn't be held to what he said because she didn't believe that way. I remember when I realized that I was wrong about that too. I know that she did not understand a viewpoint backed up by the truth of God's word, but that didn't mean that she wasn't accountable to it. If I believe that there is one true God and that everyone is judged by Him in the end, then everyone is accountable to those same rules whether they choose to believe or go on their way. I think at that point of realization, I started to give any advice in a different way. I will always now give a truthful word, no matter the background. It sometimes gives people a second look because that means it is not always the popular opinion. I seem to not be in the normal popular opinion often now. And that doesn't mean that I waste my words but if asked about something important, I will try and not make an emotional response but reflect a second on the bigger picture and give a biblical response. I am not quoting scriptures at anyone either- they may not know that the opinion is based on biblical concepts, but I know my God is bigger than what we can see. He is not biased, and He is fair. He is loving but there is also consequence of choosing sin. 
Anyways, I am not trying to declare that I am better than anyone but I read about staying away from certain things and striving for certain things, and there is no in between for me. You either believe it or you don't, but you have to decide which- it can't be both. You can give grace and love to every person but I really don't think that means you accept every action as okay. Some things are just not okay.
I hope writing this out settles some things in my mind today because I am disappointed. Big time. I want to hold on to people but I don't want that to keep me stuck, or pull me back to a place unwanted. *Sigh. There will definitely be prayer about this in the next few days. 

Prayer works.

Prayer works. God answers. I am feeling pain and pressure as I come to the last bit of my pregnancy, but I am also feeling joy. I know that people have been praying for me and my family this week- I can feel it. My internal struggle at this point is always huge as I think about how it will all go down at the end, as well as the progression of more children, if any. It might be strange that I think about more children when the one that is coming hasn't even been born yet, but it is a struggle in my mind as I trust God but am feeling tortured in body daily. It is always worth it though. The prize at the end brings unending blessings.
We are in our second year of homeschooling and I love it. It is fulfilling to know what your kids are being taught and see how they are growing and developing. We got a head start in order to accommodate the baby coming and are all settled into a routine now.
We are also starting a new bible study with our new church this week. I am excited to see what learning and growing will come of this too. I am needing something to dig into myself. I am grateful for this church every week, even after driving into town to attend, as the bible is taught word for word, in order and in full.
Anyways, that is my life right now.... rib stretching babe, homeschooling morns, and truth seeking Sundays.

Stupid.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed and depressed. I am feeling big. I am disappointed at how inconsiderate people's words are. I am in the last trimester and feeling nervous again to be so far away from the hospital. I know God will work it all out but I am still anxious about the unknown. I can't seem to help it and am constantly trying to put myself in check. And I feel bigger than normal, which is already big. I feel ahead and like this baby is in a strange position. He is strong and kicking. I am tired of the rude comments. How can I keep myself in hope that God is working out this plan that he started when people are so dumb. Hearing "and you're so huge already" and "how are you going to make it three more months" does not help. These comments aren't even from strangers. Rude. I am staying home.

Frustrations.

This has been a long week. I am exhausted. It is too hot to cook dinner and my kids are running wild, screaming, while their dad tries to sleep. I am sitting here in the basement, trying to cool down before I make dinner. Unfortunately dinner is not an option with growing children. I have been a little down. Tiredness and reflecting on life can be disappointing sometimes. Being on opposite sides of faith with your husband, and pregnant and unable to do all you want to accomplish can make overlooked frustration come to the forefront. I am grateful that I can strive for all that encompasses a life lived for God, but this can also make a gap with us.... thoughts, friends, time, discipline, money.... everything. I am so in this time of grinding down this week. I feel oppressed in my own home sometimes. It is like anything good brings pressure. A war of sorts. I am so tired of this war. I want to continue in trusting God with my family (and I will) but I am tired. I hope God has a great plan.... that is silly, of course he does. I hope it has to do with a change of hearts around here, and soon. And I mean my heart too. Too much opposition brings walls. I just want to settle in with a house full of children and be in a peaceful and content place. To love and be loved. Excuse me while I go tend to something being sprayed all over the bathroom floor..... sigh.....

A pic is worth a thousand joys....

 

And my eldest son echoes something I have said.... "God has a plan for us...." ....:) 

Sunday

I am inspired, encouraged, on this great, slightly rainy day. It is hard to get up and think of driving into town every Sunday for church but it is so worth it. Inspired truth being taught outrightly, is relieving, and resounds with me. Sticks with me. I am writing it down as I don't want to forget what God is saying to me personally and continually. And today I am grateful again and also grateful that I was, at one point, beaten down so much that it seems the religion was beaten out of me until nothing was left but grace. It is when consequences force an unseen, but unfortunately chosen, humility upon you that you can't pretend perfection. You can't compare against others. You can, I can, only compare against the truth that is in God's word. There is no measuring up. But there is an abundance of grace. Ye-haw. *Smile. Today I am reminded of this. I was broken of my own doing and yet there was hope. I need to extend that grace and never forget. And never feel condemned either. I am not cast out. I am still here and still fighting.... and still growing. When I get caught up in the day, I feel discouraged, but when I look at how much God has done, I am reminded....
Oh, and I am super excited for my coming babe. Another boy. I am building an army. Haha. The thought of having three grown men in my midst someday brings me an abundance of joy, and I know that God is going to change our family in amazing ways. I can't believe (in a good way) that it is getting better and I am getting the desires of my heart- a large family.
So many thoughts.... so many at a heart level..... <3

Of six.

I am a mother of six. It is funny that before I was pregnant I always imagined myself with five kids and I wondered if it was because I really did have five, just two removed from me. That was it, because now I see myself with six. I had my five month ultrasound today and was blessed with a disk containing 39 photos of my babe. I dislike ultrasounds. I love when they are all done and everything is settled but I really can't bare to look at the technician for fear of misreading a look or facial expression. I am not liking that I have to wait a whole month now to see the doc, as my last appointment was yesterday. But this baby is kicking and moving so I shall not let myself worry. I love that he or she is breech because it is interesting how every babe has their own way and own little personality even in the womb. God has plans for this babe, even from the beginning. And this is the first time that we will find out the gender of our sweet babe. It is stressing me out a bit, haha, but only because I am making myself wait. Hopefully we will plan a great gathering to make it even more fun. Half way through a busy week and glad another task is out of the way.

Full up.

There is joy. And then, there is fullness of joy. Life is not grand. My laundry situation is still not working well. My husband doesn't understand me often. I am still impatient. I swear. But, there is a place where all of that starts to not matter again. A place where you know that your God has a good plan for your life. A place where you find that you have just stepped into the middle of one of those significant plans. This is probably going to be a marker year. I just had one of those for me, but I pray that I am right and that this is one for the whole family. I cannot believe what is going on, and that in a good way. I didn't know why there was this pause of growth. I have turned from frustration and digging, and I have found good soil. And some things are about to grow. I am full tonight. God let my heart bend to those plans.
I think I have just stopped climbing the path and am now putting down roots. This is a resting spot and not physically. Still work to come, but fullness of joy. I am so grateful my God. Mahal na mahal LORD.

What Families Need (in a church).

Families need:

A safe place to land. A place where there are rules and bible-based standards, and where parents know their kids are safe away from them, until they are picked up again. A place where kids feel cherished and are led by people who have compassion for them, people who know the value of the next generation. A place where there is understanding of what the bible alone says towards children and who believe it in word and actions.

A place to grow. Where all family members can use their individual gifts, whether a parent or not. There is a definite command to teach our children, but within the church we also have a calling. We need to be supported in those callings even now- not when our kids are grown. That may mean putting up with kids running around in the background. And, even kids have callings on their lives at young ages too. Let them grow together with us, and teach them.

A place where there is fellowship.Where there are people willing to host whole families for lunch or coffee dates. Where people are willing to bear with young children's noise in order to engage a conversation beyond small talk. A place where people play together, as well as pray together, and therefore have the opportunity to speak into each others lives. When there is space for the kids to be kids, we will leave with hearts filled.

A place of truth. A place where biblical principles are sought out and there is continual thirst for change at every age from birth to death. A place where there is a humble understanding that no one has ever "arrived" at perfection, and where people are able to teach each other in stages of understanding and life. Kids are not the only ones who need to be taught. Father's need mentoring. Mother's need encouragement.

A place where we are welcome. There will be no teaching if there is no babysitter.... or will there be? We need Home Groups. We need bible study and fellowship in a place where there is a bed to put the baby down and a place for kids to play together. A place where shift work and multiple children defy all odds and we can hear the word of God during the week. I am teasing here, but really, we want to be part of the whole and not just segregated into our generational or gender groups. All of us can add a little, remind someone of youth, teach someone from wisdom, extol another with words of encouragement, be shown an untarnished side of a child's thinking, be rebuked in love to a place of repentance at a wrong thinking, or draw someone into a first understanding of grace.

Overall, we need to be invited. We need to feel welcomed. We don't want to impose our children upon anyone, especially when there are stares at the child chattering that they see grandma, auntie or a friend across the room, or people randomly commenting that kids sat through church in silence way back when. We don't want to sit alone cutting up food and wiping dirty chins at church potlucks. We don't want to be told that back in the day the moms took care of Sunday School or the dads were harsher at disciplining. And I assure you, our kids are still being disciplined but we might see that differently one to the next. We don't want to be excluded from all meetings and input and ministries because right now it is seen as our job alone to raise kids. We want to hear what God thinks about children in the heart attitudes of people surrounding us. We want you to know that most of us don't show up for ours or our kids salvation at church, but to be encouraged and to have fellowship with other believers. We don't want to be left behind as everyone rushes off to restaurants, when we know to follow means a large bill and the stress of shushing kids for at least another hour. We also want you to know that we are growing and able to be part of the body- if we have babies, we are no longer babies and are ready to be ushered in to ministries and  leadership of the church. If we are not invited, who will be trained? If our kids are not invited, who will be taught up next? If people fail to see the importance of teaching up the next generation, and the next, and the next, the church will die out with them. If people continue to regard themselves as done, having put in their time, and having their own lives to live; they will live their own lives indeed, but will not share in anyone else's. There is unity in understanding each other, young or old. We do not deem to be more important. We just want you to remember us and not overlook what we also need to thrive. We want you to remember your youth and your beginnings. Who mentored you? Who spoke into your life at a young age? How old were you when you began to lead? To teach? To lead worship? To Pastor? What did you need when you had a young family? We are part of you all, not separate. Please don't forget any longer. 

Farming children ;)

Sunday has become a joy again. I do think of winter to come though. I have had hopeful thoughts that all this traveling to town for Sunday Service will work out easy enough. Yesterday I realized that this is a time of cultivating. Cultivating is hard work, but it is important. It is work that makes strong, both the worker and what is being grown. It is so worth it.

Two thoughts.

This time of weighing has led into a time of reflecting. The weighing is done and we have stepped. I have now been able to let go and look a little retrospectively, as is helpful and brings joy in where God has been making the path clear, whether curvy, mountainous, straight, or whatever. This one was a definite curve but I am seeing where God has been teaching, preparing, and leading- one season leading into the next. If I can take a quiet moment, today this being as kids slept through the rainstorm on the drive home, I can start to see a bigger picture. The truths learned far in advance, are being played out here. Blessings are coming. This reflective thinking allows me to now see beyond the physical, to the enveloping spiritual. God hems me in behind and before. It looks like continuous seasons this way in my mind's eye and begins to cease to look like closures and separations. In this picture there is growth, and pruning, and dormancy, and then regrowth. God's hand is and has always been in it all.


My thoughts this week, which were brought up again today in part, are along the lines of this.... Too often we pray, "God hear our cry. Please work out 'this thing' in our lives. We believe You can do this thing."  And we even add something to the effect that if it is your will in there. But the reality is that "this thing" is equal to "our will." This adding on of "if it's your will" has often bothered me a bit and I am seeing a clearer picture of why. We need to be praying, "God we are crying out, work out Your will in our lives. What is Your will for this?" Seems simple. But are we willing to wait? Our thoughts and desires get in the way, until we can no longer stand. At that point when we have struggled enough in our own ideas, the prayer of letting go and letting God comes in, and in that, there comes great joy. When we stop to hear and see what God has in store, the benefits and blessings are grand. His will for us is always better and beyond what we can imagine in this physical place where we are at. So how are we to get to that state where we let go and can wait on God? Well, I heard a good sermon on that today.... (maybe I can find it, or I will leave that for another conversation....)  

So what do I do now? Disconnecting....

I am overwhelmed with thoughts. We know we have made a good decision. I knew it right away when I looked around and all the things that frustrated me to no end were nowhere to be seen, and where things I hadn't thought about fully came to mind regarding what we need as a family. Anyways.... I have been getting phone calls, having tea, and having chats, all over the place. People have wanted to let me know that they support my decision and that is encouraging, although I was not looking for anyone's approval or thoughts except God's. This decision was between me, my family, and Him. However, there is a resounding agreement about places where things are broken or lacking. There is a desperate need for change and a stuckness of not knowing where or what to do. Here I don't know what to do, not in the what, but in the what to say. I need to disconnect but I also love these people that I am leaving, and still hope for change. I think there needs to be a collective conversation about the state of things, an inventory of spiritual things. I want to stay very vague but I have heard from the mouths of many people, the same discontent about certain things. I don't believe in just talking and not coming up with a plan or at least letting someone know. So, now what do I do? I would hope that someone else would do it but will they? I have heard alot of "no one wants to hear" or "no one wants to listen." If that is the case then why is there an outcry for the same changes to come about. Maybe some hearts aren't being heard or maybe people are just stuck. Maybe there is too much shushing for the sake of peacefulness, but it is only leading to anger and bitterness, with the same outcomes. What would really happen if people said no to being pushed in all directions and started to fully embrace the ministries that they have been called to? There would be gaps for sure. There would also be forced change. What happens when people are desperate.... they start to do what they should have been doing in the first place; they pray. Or the impostors are flushed out. The fakes. The ones that will remain standing will be the ones who are true in their faith. And when there is a collective truth being sought, there there will be change. I really want to have a conversation. I don't know. I may just need to disconnect and let it be. I have been trying for a long time now it seems. Okay, now I will pray....

New friends.

We wanted fellowship and fellowship is what we got. I am relieved. The kids have come to bible study with me for two weeks and have come home filled with fun, and we have gone to church in town and have come back knowing more people and more of God's word. We have also had three playdates with friends that we want to build relationships with, just in the last week, and this week there are more to come. To top off all this greatness was a church BBQ in which the kids played in the lake, learned a little football and frisbee, and were treated with love. It is always bittersweet to make a change that requires leaving people behind but sometimes it is essential. I can finally let this one part of life go and rest a little. I know there will be challenges ahead but for this summer we are set I think.  

anticipation

I have ambition lately. It has been hard for awhile and finally there is some hope on the horizon. We are all anticipating the next day or week. Sometimes I just want to up and move. I like new starts. I like the forced change that comes and the newness of everything. But I also want the stability that comes with staying in one home and building relationships long term. I want a permanent spot for my kids. I want a home to grow in every aspect. I am thankful God is in the business of renewing, rebuilding, restoring, redeeming.... I am glad that he has a plan, even when we can't see around corners. This is definitely a season of change- I look around and see it in many friends lives too, not just ours. And the fun part is that it is not what any of us expect- it is even better, because God is in it.

Random thoughts from a not so random thought trail.

Learning the bible is extremely important. And not just learning it, but studying it and knowing it in and out from cultural time, to translation, etc. I was a strong and mature christian since I was young. (I did experience a rather hard time for awhile too, not to leave that out.) But, up until the last few years, I have never seen bible study like I do now. I have never been taught just absorbing all that you can find from one passage. A Beth Moore study was the first time I saw this and I will never see any the same again. It is really a shame. I have seen more since then but this is my point, that I want this for myself. Before it was all inspiration and movements and opinions. I don't ever want to be in a place where I can't judge for myself if what is being said is what is coming straight from the word of God, or from men. Kari Jobe said it best one time, and I think I have that sermon along here somewhere, that we should want first fruit from God and not already-been-chewed. I love these kind of thoughts. It's me and God. I don't want to follow any fad or be stuck with the A-B-C. I want to know that I know and why, and then ask the question, "What am I going to do about it?" I am so glad to be at the stage where I can speak out if I disagree and can choose what I think is right according to God's word. Amen to that. Oh, and live in unity whether we disagree or not. I am not out to take sides here and there and battle it out to the death. Haha. There should though be conversations happening, not just eyes staring forward taking in everything like robots. Weighing is important.  Some of it isn't beneficial but is permissible, but some of it is downright wrong. Do I know enough to know the difference? Do you? Some weeks are like this one, where it is time to take an inventory.

 To study and explore:
http://www.blueletterbible.org/
 To find Beth Moore and more:
http://www.lifeway.com/ 

day two of stepping

Today felt like step two. Step one was making the decision and testing the waters for the last two weeks. Today I talked to my mother and sent a note to a loved mentor/teacher at the church that we will now step away from. This step takes us into a new place. It feels like a good place. There is a sense of betterment for my family. I will still be testing these waters in a way, but in them, not at the edge peering in. Last night I was thinking about the community that we are leaving and a thought summed it up for me.... It is like someone is not living quite right but you keep making excuses for them because you love them. I feel this about the church. There are changes that need to happen and an opening of eyes towards why the families are all leaving. Maybe no one can fix this and that is fine. God can fix it if people are willing. I will leave it at that. I don't want to say bad words about it all but I do know that I will go where there is more of what I want for my kids. Garry is good with it (although he says that church is my thing, but it is still important to me to talk about it with him), and the kids are happy to see their friends again, since many are over here at this place. I actually can't wait until Sunday to see what the kids think. Only Gemma and I have gone before for a friend's dedication, so for the boys it will be all new. It is interesting that it is at Aiden's age where my family (when I was young) made a move to a new church and it made all the difference in my life.  

craft time

I think it's time to finish up some crafting projects, or start some more, and read lots of books. I wish I could throw the tv out the window for the summer. Hmmm.... maybe I can, I am the mom. If I do that, I should unplug my phone too, maybe facebook. But not here. Here is creative. I need to catch up some quilting and scapbooking for Keiran. It was supposed to happen last summer. It has to happen before I have another busy babe.

Great weaving.

My heart feels blessed tonight. Nothing special, just fellowship. Just people who get where you are at and why you do what you do. There was no scolding or shaming of children. They were free to duck in and out and run. There were jokes about homeschooling. This whole day has been so good for my family. There has been a noticed change of attitude across the board, of happy hearts. We are up late but there is still a little patience left, even though all the work isn't done. My eldest son chose three times over to think of others before himself just when we got home. He gave up a treasured toy to his brother even. My kids have joy exuding from them tonight. They are happily recalling the nights events. Even they can feel what has been missed. Of course. They are spiritual human beings built for relationship too. I am lightly stepping into this change but it is just plainly needed now, however out of my plans it is. I need to take an account of what we need and what is truly going on in our lives. I can't see around corners but a relief has been found. Yey.

The feel of change.

I am feeling a little bit better about life today. I finished our last homeschool summary and am going to loosen up on the last remaining English work. I also had a nice chat with a friend after two weeks of analyzing with my best of friends. I am ready to step. You can't think about all the what ifs, well you can but you can't change 'em. So, I am looking at the now and for now I will join our friends and choose to fellowship where it will bring more life to relationships, and hopefully our family as well. It is hard to change what you know unless there is a willingness and a move of the Holy Spirit. I for one get mad when I am struggling. I want to choose more, or better, so that there is room for those kind of moves. I feel less mad today because I feel less stuck. I have choice and I have prayer. Both can change things. The end. See ya soon. 

Sunshine

It is May and it is summer. The warm weather is restorative. It is nice to slow down and get outside. I love that the kids can run. I love that I can soak up some vitamins. It makes me want to take long drives and go swimming in lakes. Well, maybe not swimming yet since some of those lakes just melted.
We are finishing up our last subject in homeschool today (other than English which will be another month since we are doing a second program that I would like to get done by summer). I am feeling a little bit better and in a few weeks will start feeling this babe kicking. Life is pretty good. I am trying not to stress over things that are changing. The pressure just means the rough edges are being ground off, right. (*Wink.) They need to be lately. I am excited for the summer change. I so need a break to just sit around and grow this babe. And read. There will be reading.

la dee da

This is a hard decision. And I am making it alone. That is even harder. But, my kids were alone in Kids Church yesterday. That is not fellowship.

oh analytical brain

Pondering more. Analyzing more. Comparing and weighing. It is important. The church is a place that we have fellowship and are encouraged. It is where we sharpen our belief systems and are influenced. Home is first for this of course, we cannot rely on the church to train up our children. But it is big.
I do not know what this year will bring. I do not know if we will be in this same house or same town. I do not know if there will be a huge change in the church here. I also do not know if there will be an offshoot planting of the church that is forming here but resides in the city.
What I do know is that things are not working. I know that this other church is where my kindred spirit friends reside (we have been watching Anne of Green Gables, haha). It just happens that all the moms are homeschool moms, not that I don't have close friends that don't homeschool, but again these people are like-minded. They believe in family. They believe in being involved, with your giftings, in the church. Of  being a part. This place is where scripture is taught and God speaks. These are people with voices. I have only had two experiences at this church so far so we will see, but I am thinking I need to move. For now it would be easy to travel for the summer some. I don't know. Maybe there will be better options later on, but for now I just need better. I am no longer pushing for change, I am standing alone to the point of being left there. I will talk to the kids and talk to God some more. I think this is the point where I step. This is not the end of the conversation though.

ramblings

I feel like working some things out in my head. I have not late night posted since the great depression. Haha. That was a joke, if you didn't catch that. I just came from bible study. A new one with friends that are not so new. It was good. Teaching straight from the book with hebrew and cross referencing and all things I deem lovely. I want to know the word of God and truly study it. I want to then ponder what God is saying about it to me for right now. There was talk of hardening of hearts, and sowing. I said there would be sowing this afternoon.
I have lots of thoughts tonight. I want to fellowship with friends and family where I am at. Part of this new is where I am at. Looking parallel I see lacking of so much. If I had my choice in a city or elsewhere I would be gone. But I still live here. I will not sow where there is staleness. I try to bring something to the table but it is a strange table. Why do I think so differently. Yet, I don't think that my thoughts are way out there.
Anyways, I am not sure what to think about this all yet. I wish I had a different choice. But I am seeing a little clearer. It is too early to tell. I just know that I will not settle, I have never followed because it is the status quo. This is an essential time to instill truth to my kids and that is not happening the way I see is good. A little, but not quite. It is also essential that I am not beat to the ground so that I am drained of all encouragement, and that I am built up in a way that is helpful. And that I am not forced to be something that is out of my gifting. We all are parts- none greater right?Why are we looked at as though we are less than and little. I am not at all. My kids are not either. ......

When you are not where you want to be, move.

I am having a analytical week. Just came from a CHEC (a homeschool conference) and am full of thoughts of teaching my children through this next year both educationally and spiritually. Every time I get to get out of this home space lately, I see things that I desire are lacking. I am not liking where we are at. I am seeing that I am moving. I am putting down things that aren't working and searching for what will. I won't do it the same just because it is the way things have been done. I am looking also at my church and thinking that somehow the ball has been dropped. My belief system is not matching up with the whole. Our basic beliefs are all the same but the overall attitudes and practices are not. I want more for my kids and the thing is that there is not much else here. I am thinking this part of the year is where things are going to start changing. It is spring after all. It will be a year of sowing, hard work. A baby coming, my next two children are starting school, and decisions to till through. I have no idea where this is all going.
I need a place where I am encouraged and built up. I need community. I need a family oriented church. I need my kids to be seen as blessings- that they are. I need like-minded moms around. I need bible based teaching- searching, studying, and life application. I need truth.
And I need a better working laundry situation. Oy. Haha.

Vacay, homeschool mom style.

Tomorrow we are off to the homeschool convention (a friend and I, as well as many other moms). I can't wait to have some fun and to not have to worry about houses and children for awhile. My babe is all good and I hope and pray it is all kicking and stretching from here. It is a sunny day out there and I am ready to go sit on the deck and soak it up for awhile before hemming pants, cleaning bathrooms, packing bags, and soccer practice. 

always waiting for something

This pressure is getting to me. I cannot do my laundry. It smells like pee! I need to move. I don't want to move. I don't have money to fix the problem. What do I pray for? My 12 week appointment was not good. She could not find the baby's heartbeat. I go back in three days now. I hate this. Hate it. I saw this little bean moving and beating. Why is this happening now? I am too tired for pressure. It is snowing. That makes it all worse when it is April. We all need some vitamin D on our skin, and some freedom to get out of the house and into the warmth. I want some pretty and frivolous for awhile. Some comfort. Some extra just-for-you days....

frustrated thoughts

So I am going to ponder and hash this out for awhile. I love the history of our church. Not the bad stuff but the people who are there and I've known forever. The good that has come out of the struggle. I am wondering this morning, why have families left? A few have been offended by uncaring/ thoughtless words. A few because there is not enough for families. A few because there is nothing for the men. There is a focus outwards and people are being neglected. I think this is partly because there was a generation gone for awhile but there are a huge amount of families coming to this town for work now. Right now. Someone needs to start remembering what it is like to have children. Someone needs to care about the future. Someone needs to stop being tired of all that has gone on and start a new ministry. One that is straight from the heart of God's word.
This mornings message was good. From a man who doesn't have all the bindings of all that has gone on. A message about all the parts, and all giftings being necessary.
We have a wound in the body. A gap. The gap is the reproductive system. The next generation is being left to waste. I won't let my kids be wasted and if nothing changes, then I will.
Maybe we need new blood. Maybe new leadership. Apparently there has been no one to step up so the same ones stay put. Is this why it is stale?
I don't know what needs to change or can but I see it elsewhere so I know it can be done. Or rather, I know God can make it happen. Is anybody willing?
Bear with me while I type my frustrated thoughts. Pray if you do. I know some of you are part of this whirlwind....

One more thought.

You don't know how bad you need something until you see it. Or feel it. You can cope for a long time but eventually something has to move. I am see a recurring cry. An outcry for something that's missing. My thought is an old one. If you don't want to be used, God will use someone else. He will fulfill his purpose either way. Time to pray.

change please

I am tired of this town. I never wanted to come here. Then I was glad to be here and healing and with a close group of women. Things have again changed so much now and I am needing a change. I am ready to move on but maybe God has other plans still for this town. For us.
I am so disappointed with our church. I believe the purpose of church is for fellowship. (And not just for programs or drop bys.) I want to interact and encourage and be encouraged by others of all ages and stages. I feel like there was a chance to step up and it was passed by. There is no place for family in our church and so families keep leaving. No place for young men and so there are no young fathers. It didn't use to be this way. I don't fellowship at our church. I go and the kids enjoy it but I barely say my hellos and go home. There are no invites for lunches because most go out to dine. If there is a potluck, I sit by myself with the kids and eat in silence which turns to frustrated sad anger before I leave. Why? Because there are no families and no one interacts beyond hellos, at least not outside of their comfort. All members stay in their groups and all seem to want the others around but there is no room. There are no home groups to take your kids to for bible study and so I usually can't go. The mom's group is spacing out even though there are quite a few on the sidelines. Something is not right. Something feels self serving. I am not just sitting here complaining either. I am willing to serve in my giftings, but I am not willing to be manipulated into a space of need until burn-out. I am willing to call on God for answers and I don't want to be dismissive at what can be done.
And these things expand even to family, and I am not alone in this. I hear "We have our own lives" way too often. I miss the family atmosphere of the northern Mennonite backgrounds, where families are not pushed out onto their own but added onto. Where children are welcomed and help and hospitality are huge. 
Anyways, some things go even deeper.... Something needs to give.
I am greatly discouraged as yet another family says goodbye. I long for a city life where there is more for the kids. More to grow. More stability. Or I need God to make a big change here- only He can. 

fruitful labor

I am honored to carry another sweet babe. I saw him/her wiggling away on the ultrasound, heart beating. I love big families. I have wanted many kids from the time I was a young girl. When I was a teenager I met a family with ten children. I did not know you could do that... then I wanted even more. As I have had babies and felt the nine-month-long sickness that comes along with it, I have struggled in this dream, but I still want a big family. What a blessing. A little struggle for nine months or so for a lifetime of having a family. And even more, generations ongoing that you may not even meet until heaven. It is not easy to to bear or raise kids but it is so worth it. So when I get told I am brave for having another, maybe I am. I do not have more patience than another. I am not rich. But I know God provides in every aspect. Each child is a heritage, blessing, reward.... God does not lie and his word says that. Maybe the questions should be.... "Why aren't you having more children? Don't you believe God? When did a big family turn into a curse?".... but I won't say that cause that would be rude, and I often want to give up too. It has been hard, but after the hard, there is joy. I pray this baby is a strong one. I can't wait to add on.

The call.

I finally got the call and will be having my ultrasound on Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I feel like I expect nothing. I hope that I will see a dancing little bean. I remember that with Gemma. She was wiggly dancing on the screen, at nine weeks. So small, but so alive. A relief. Nine weeks! God is a God of wonders.
 I was thinking in church the other day as I sang the favorite words of Psalms, "Praise the LORD, O my soul," that in fact there were two souls inside this body rising up in praise. I pray that is what I get to see on Wednesday....

A soothing old friend.

I am almost eleven weeks. Almost done my first trimester. Waiting for a call about an ultrasound. Having twisted old familiar dreams. In a strange space today. It's that change feeling. Change is coming. Now for the waiting.

uneasy

Yesterday I felt fine all day. A bad taste in my mouth before bed and this morn are all the holding on that I have. I am a little nervous about whether or not I will carry this baby. If I feel fine, I am usually miscarrying. The kind where there is no sign until an ultrasound can tell you if the little heart is still beating. I hate the wait of the first trimester. (But I also don't wait in silence as any baby is a joy, however long they stay.) I don't like the anticipation of an ultrasound. I am not sure if I should wait but I am not ready for the hard part if that may be. I am hoping that the Diclectin was just working unusually well. I am hoping that I feel sick today or I will have to force myself to go to the hospital at some point this next week. Waiting too long can cause problems and I have A rhesus negative blood as well, which can start fighting in my body if there is any blood mixing. Why must my pregnancies always be bittersweet? Anyways, God is in control and I trust him. I just hate the wait. I hope I can keep this babe. I don't want to start over again. I always wanted more babes. I have such a struggle since this part is so hard. It is not time to be concerned yet.... just time to pray and wait a bit. 

The worst for the best.

The worst thing about having the baby flu is....
- that the garbage doesn't get changed, the laundry doesn't get folded, and the dishes don't get done.
When these things don't get done it upsets the balance of all things and causes a tidal wave affect.
So to all not pregnant family members:
Remember to clear your plate off the table, and scrape it. Please wipe the table down before everything turns to glue. Do not throw cereal on the floor and if you drop it, pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Empty that said garbage when it is full- it will only get fuller, it does not decompose that fast. If you are looking for pants or socks or anything else in the laundry basket that just can't seem to get folded fast enough, please pick up all the clothes that you have scattered all over the floor so that it can be deciphered which is clean or dirty. Most of all, remember that your mom is not just resting, she is feeling like she has the puke flu and still has to function, eat, and clean, regardless. Step it up a notch and help out. If you wonder why she is grouchy, it is because she is watching you destroy the house while building up enough stamina to cook dinner.

bump

I was just thinking that this blog was done. I had nothing more to say on an ongoing story of childbearing. I was thinking of closing it down and maybe starting a different kind of blog. (And I do have a homeschool blog: www.bendingandgrowing.blogspot.ca.)
.... But the story isn't quite finished. Thanks to some pre-answered prayers, some stomach pains have brought forth a pregnancy. Yes!! So here it is. This is my announcement and a request for some different kind of prayers- for health and peace that results in joy. Haha.
I have the baby flu and am so thankful for that. I am not usually very thankful for crappy circumstances but being sick means that a baby is growing and I will be grateful for that big time. I am always grateful for that. Thanks God.

prayer request

I am having the worst stomach cramps. Please pray for me. I feel it in my lower left pelvis and across, like it is cramping in my uterus and then my actual stomach muscles start tensing. It is very unpleasant. I want healing from all this torture. I know this is possible through Jesus. I have been trying in my own strength to find the answers and have another doctor's appointment at the end of this month, but I want more. I want healing, completely. I think this requires healing of my mind, spirit, and strength. Peace and patience are required of me.... and trust, complete trust. LORD, come.

Abby

Abigail. A peacemaker.
The story: Her husband was selfish. A stranger looked out for him. He repayed good for evil. He didn't give a crap who helped him out. He didn't owe them anything. Sound familiar? Selfish.
But Abigail was a peacemaker. She tried to fix things. She ran ahead to smooth things out. To make things easier. Sound familiar?
And then she waited. She knew there was a right time to tell her husband all of what she knew, in order to keep his anger from coming. She was wise. She did what was right regardless. She won favor. She calmed the backlash. Peacemaker.
And she was saved. And so was the enemy that wasn't really an enemy to begin with. And her husband was saved.... but then he reaped his evil on his own head, and it killed him. The end. Well, for him.
She went on to be protected by the stranger. A king. King David. And she was cared for by the King. And she was cared for by The King. The real end.

Thought two.

Conclusion: My pain is stealing my joy. I cannot see any of it, as a cloud of despair surrounds my head. I was told to study Abigail, so off I go....

Kicked in the heart.

It is not a good day. I backtrack my words because they are too weary. Not for me, normal for me, but scary for you. I am chronically sad. I don't see a way out. I know my protector, redeemer, God but He is just and I am afraid I am going to be drug through the mud for awhile longer. Maybe forever. These are my consequences. Can't go back. I have lost so much. I feel like I am living my life like it is through glass, watching people I love but there is no sound. I am on the outside.

Roller Coaster

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster. We had to move out of our own home and into the Grand's. Haha, It was not grand. The plumbing broke there too, if you can even believe it!! With lots of prayer and impatiently waiting, we have a new pipe, replacing a broken one in our septic system. I am not sure where we are at now. I am a little confused and irritated. We had thoughts of trading up to a bigger house which would be a trade-off from our lovely property. It would be a shame to lose this great yard. Now it looks as if that house is sold and so I thought this was an answer; time to settle back home. I am still unsettled though. Maybe it's the aftershock of this stressful two weeks. Or was it three weeks? I like this charming little place but I am wondering if it is really fixed and functional. There is work to do to fix it up but that is always the case wherever you wind up. I just want to bust out some walls and put in new windows and such. There is no money for that. Not that I worry about that. That other bigger house needed work too but to sell would mean paying off debts, but only if we could sell high. I need a handyman for hire. Function is the word of the month and we better find it so I can rest. At least summer is coming and that means we can live outside more, be warm inside, and open those old windows. I am grateful to be home and I hope we are done making decisions but I am really not sure about that. I need someone to take charge, calm my fears, and make a plan. I need some comfort. Just when I find it, it is stolen. I need that to stop too. I don't know how on earth that is going to happen. *Sigh.

A Northern Chat.

I see that everyone is going through it right now. "It" is not fun. What makes all the difference is going through it together. I am good as long as I have fellowship. I am fine when I can talk it out and reason some normality. A good friend can make a heart happy, and a happy heart makes it better. A little joy is like medicine. Nothing might actually change but to be heard is huge. To be understood, essential.
Life is changing. When I think about the fact that I have been praying, and now it has gotten worse, I have hope. I know that could mean that the change is coming. Uprooting is not fun but it is necessary for change. It might look all physical over here at the leaky farmhouse, but I know better. I know Jesus.

Firm feet?

The year has started off with good footing.... but that is it. I am bracing and gathering and searching. There is a pressure now. I am fighting for change but there is pressure. Resistance, and things being thrown at us. I can do nothing. Our septic field is breaking down (which is major expensive and major to all the tasks that mom has to do in a day), our neighbor had a breakdown at our dogs, threatening me and standing between my kids and myself, and the Explorer is breaking down bringing a large expense as well. This is all physical but I know it is more too. There is also a challenging of ethics, morals, beliefs. That is nothing all new but still adding to the frustration. Things are lining up in ways, and other parts are being pushed.
Our Pastor talked about "watches" a few Sundays ago. About stepping out of the boat. I love third watch. The time where you cuddle babes. The time where you pray in deep quiet. But there is that fourth watch. It is dark. It is too late to rest and too early to get up. It's frustrating and tiring.
God must be doing something. I pray and hope that he is up to something. Maybe just a wake-up call. Maybe a bright dawn.

A friend sent a note too:

Psalm 121: 1-2
I lift my eyes up to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

I like verse three too....
He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber.

That ties in well to my thoughts. That is all from autopilotville.

 

We hug forward.

I am starting off the year with a blank page. A clean schedule. I have put off all programs and am focusing in on family. In specific, I want to encircle my husband. I want to do more as a family unit. We have been doing too much and for good, but it is interfering with what God has been asking of me in the past few months.
I still feel that you should do as you have been called to, asked of, according to your giftings (*check Romans 12:1-8). Doing otherwise feels oppressive to me and takes away from the places where I should be serving. I have felt the consequence to that in the last few months, but I rode it out anyways. An old lesson for me. I have no problem standing for what I believe in general, but when sharpened by another believer I find it hard. When this is from leadership it is even harder. Listening to man, when I know God's voice. 
Even though the year ended a little rough, I have felt a release now. It is like God was waiting for me until I did what I was supposed to do. The patience of a Savior, not bound by time. Even the book I was reading was not settling in, just words on a page. Now there is a shifting in this household.
This year was great. A year of building up of faith. Many prayers answered surrounding my life and others close to me. We started to homeschool this year; a fulfilling task with much reward. We learned how to take stewardship of our money in a better way. I got to see old friends back home and have rest. My youngest turned three- the year of understanding consequence and this means being able to do more as a family. We also started a conversation about adoption so we will see where that goes.
I am going into this year with a feeling of changed focus. The last few have been about rebuilding myself. This year feels like it will be about building up of family.... focusing in, encircling.

A painting. The start to a family picture wall that I am working on. I want to intermingle words of truth, promise, and scripture, surrounding pics of my family. Reminders and focus.