I've Got a Little Army

New Question:
How can we help equip you to use your gifts?
I am resetting. This question would be a great way to restructure. Start from the giver and move forward into servanthood. I don't want to be served. I want to grow, but I want to be where the people are. I want to be where I can help. And, I want to do it with somebody. I am tired of being alone really. I am tired of being shoved in a corner until my kids grow up. I have been raising these kids for ten years. I want to train them to love and serve through them seeing me be able and willing to do so. I am not complaining here. I have many ideas and ambitions, but one does get worn out without any venue to move....
I am a stepper. I don't like to wait to have it all together. I relish in the thought that I can start walking and my God can meet me half way. That is where faith is built.
I am also an encourager. With encouragement comes admonishment too. When something is on my heart, I do not have the ability to remain silent. Or rather I could, but I feel like I am doing something wrong even. I appreciate resolve. The catch is that I will not say anything unless a person knows my heart. Unless they know me. You can not speak into someone's life if you don't share it. Ah, there is another good thought right there, to ponder for a moment. It goes back to the alone thing....
So, I am only having fellowship, and encouragement in the places where my close friends are, and they are not where I am, or at the church that I am trying to be a part of. I do not wish to stay secluded to my best of friends only. I want to interact and be changed by a whole body of believers. (PS-Even the ones that are not like me or who rub me the wrong way.)
How can I change things so that I am rubbing shoulders with my church? I can't, but God can.  For now it looks to me like I am being asked to stand still.....
To rest.   

Thy Will Be Done

Tonight my heart is a little bit happier. I am sitting bundled up in a comfortable silence, and reading beautiful things. This week I have simplified life enough to gain some perspective. It is in this quiet that wisdom speaks into the air. When there is too much noise I cannot find my bearings. I need to find my bearings again. I want to be the peacemaker. I long to be the one who is looking for opportunity to speak grace into someone's heart. I need to return to the person who sees struggle and finds ways to lift up. I want to be more than just a mother so that my children have such a strong example of servanthood and grace. I want them to find their comfort in truth and loving kindness inter-twined. And, I want that always for myself as well. And so, I am regrouping and pausing because I know that God has a better plan.

  

A Sincere Thought.

Life has been unwound. Home has been not-so-pretty in my mind and heart. It is not nearly put together around here. Many issues are having to be reworked in my thoughts. Next step plans are being made and sorted over. There is a lot of weighing going on. Honestly, when is there not, just sometimes it is a little more intense in content. In this there is prayer and counsel from the ones closest to me- sometimes a wise and loved friend who is untouched by the issues at hand.
I have been forced to sift once again. A question: What is church?
I am getting nothing settling. Or rather, I am getting circles of thoughts, winding back to the same inconclusive ones. In the past few days I have read up on 1 Timothy 3 (I won't type it out, but please read it).... a outline for leadership. It is clear but yet not giving me any peace. I have talked to an unbiased friend and have still been at a standstill. It is only in an unexpected place tonight that I have had my heart stir with an ease of God's voice.
A new question: Where is it that you can use your giftings?
In this my heart is stirred. Maybe we are all asking the wrong questions. Maybe we are all trying to find peace of mind in being served, when God has called us to serve. That doesn't mean accepting things that are unholy, but maybe in serving in our full God given places, we will overflow Jesus and move the hard places.
I have been and I am sure will be, concerned for the spiritual health of my children. I am responsible to be a steward of how they are brought up. I want them to have friends that encourage them. I want them to have people that they can do life well with. Maybe those people aren't just friends. Or rather, maybe those people aren't just peers of their same age. I am reminded that the most influential people in my life were not other kids. The people that exampled Jesus were; facilitators, worship leaders, pastors, teachers, and counsellors. They were women and men that overflowed Jesus in their lives. People like Donna Bromley and Ruth Young, mothers and grandmothers that brought young preteens into their homes and mentored them upward. There are many others that I can think of too, ordinary people inspired to use their God-given gifts for good. To build up.
Now, I am tired, and not just because it is after midnight.... but I find no restorative rest in anything other than Jesus himself. I would like to just move. I would like to search for the best of the best for my family. But the best is not a destination.
A question to ask: Where in my life can I use my abilities and God-given giftings?
If I am not being, or cannot be used of God, then why am I here? I want to live a purposeful life. I want to make intentional choices. I am not moved by others, and God can fill the spaces. This is not the conclusion of the issues at heart.... I am glad it is a start....

Almost Christmas.

God does not give us a free pass. God gives us free love. He does not take away the normal of the world, but gives us instead peace when we ask and greater joy in rejoicing. Being a Christian doesn't mean we are transported into a world protected from every thing that scars. It means that our scars can be used to help, to heal, for redemption. Nothing wasted. God does not waste anything. Every event is threaded into another, for purpose, used fully if we let Him. Even if we don't. He has the last word. He knows beyond the realm of our understanding. Being a Christian doesn't mean we are immediately perfected or expected to be. It means we are striving for more. It is an opening of our eyes to the vastness of God. It means an awareness of the extent of our evils. And most of all, it is a call to love. Beyond ourselves. It is a call to love because we are loved. Without borders.
And, it is almost Christmas. A reminder of this love to give.

Sometimes one can just not remain silent

 I am sick from the bend. I am tired from the "if we can't beat 'em join 'em" attitude. I am sad at the confusion that comes when we let cultural lie siphon into long-standing, unchanging truth. God loving people should be having conversations. No one should be hushing. And what we disagree upon, we should hash out by comparing notes on the word of God and what it all means. There is culture involved, and literary tones. The Bible is one story alone, of an unchanging God through an ever changing, stubborn, needing of love world. If we let go of the reverence of that, then where does our faith come from? Yes, some issues are minor, are personal preference; but some issues change the way we are family, the way we do life, and the way we show grace or hear truth. Maybe we need to decide personally which is which. That will not come from making light of anything but from seeking out all truth. I am big on truth. Ream me out, discuss, change my mind, challenge me, admonish me, let us cry it out.... but do not snuff out the truth. That kills me. That makes my heart long for home. So, give me a reasonable answer, a realistic answer, a studied one. I will challenge you and you will challenge me. Let it not be one of comparison, unless compared with a book that my God was big enough to orchestrate for the good of us all.

The wrong kind of undone.

There is a difference in keeping peace and people pleasing. Peace brings rest. The other brings false guilt, unrest, flattery, and self indulgence even. I need peace. I need respect for the things that I want for my family. I need understanding of who I am and my limits and boundaries. I do not want to please you for the sake of doing so. I don't want to become a bitter servant to you, putting my needs aside until I feel undone. I want to be honest when I need to say no, and without backlash. I am an individual and don't see everything the same as you. That is okay. That fact is good. There needs to be mutual understanding, and love. It can be discussion, and hashing out points of consideration. But, in the end it is my decision, or the decision of my own family together. My family comes before other things and I answer to God alone. I measure my decision against His Word only, and not always perfectly at that. If we disagree, do not try and shame me. Don't give me a hard time. It will just divide us. And, if you are wrong, admit it. Forgiveness brings peace. Understanding brings peace. Pulling each other up brings rest for my soul, and also for yours.    

dirt ground.

I feel like I am getting dirty. Pain makes one dirty. And then a need to dig out, and be washed over.
I have learned that I am more introverted than I thought. I long to be home, to be close, to be quiet. I dread being the center of attention and hosting an event. I love close gatherings where people that I love through friendship, or community, can deep talk. I need deep talk- it lifts the dirt away. When I feel the need to separate and seclude myself, it is then that I know that I should step closer.
Seclusion equals walls. Don't hole yourself up. Don't perfect yourself into a little box, sealed up closed. Instead lay down, or stand still- let your shoulders rub with diverse people. Let God be your foundation and let Him move you.
I feel the need to secure foundations. To check the perimeters. But, I also feel the need to be moved. Some shaking, and shifting, and settling is good. These things can speak that foundations are strong. Shake off the dirt. Renovate the insides. Put the dirt under my feet, and use it for solid ground.

When the heart is humble, oh, what the hands can do!

Brokenness + Love = Character. I am so thankful for being broken. There is character built in understanding pain. I get it. I get why someone would give up on things that matter. I get it why someone would mark themselves unredeemable. There is a difference between selfish vanity and broken pain. Brokenness can be redeemed. In words like "I get it" there can come healing. I am so thankful for being broken, it will be for His glory in the end, and that is everything.
It is like my roughed-up home. We are grateful that this house is a little worn because it is more useful. Things too shiny are left untouched, worried that they will be marked up. But broken things are used without fear. Worn in things are known to be sturdy and comfortable. Lord, let me be worn-in and comfortable, and let me become old and beautiful. 

stirring up

If church is the small talk of conversation, then home-groups are the deep. A church community is so vital. I have missed this, but found it again recently. When I was young, I remember tons of this. The places where I longed to be with the adults listening in on their conversations about God and life. I came home joy-filled this Sunday, after a potluck and fellowship. With just two of my kids, I stayed late- past the bigger crowd, and enjoyed some deeper conversation. And, the best.... amidst the conversation was the Word of God. I am blessed. Four kids. A church community. A good husband. A Father and Lord who chose me first and is involved in the details of my life. Phew. Blessed. I often feel sad, and far, overwhelmed.... but these moments, they renew my soul.

Hebrews 10:19-25 (English Standard Version)

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁹ Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, ²⁰ by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, ²¹ and since we have a great priest over the house of God, ²² let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. ²³ Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

A thought for the day.

I think it would be lovely if we could just plan out who we wanted to be and be just that, only and perfectly. If we could form a collection of thoughts and then walk into those things easily and fully. I want to be, long to be, fully kind. I want to be ever-patient, slow to anger, graceful, even beautiful or put together. I am sometimes said to be encouraging, wise occasionally. I hold to those things thankfully. But, what of those places that I can't grasp hold of- those ever-patient kind of places? I am fully human, unable to be without fault. I have been shaped and taught from my circumstances. I have been carved from legacies and traditions, from habits. I am foreign to certain traits and places, and when tired I retreat back into my personal cultural norm.
When I was young, I used to think I was strong. I could hold to my beliefs like nobody's business. I could hold tightly to a standard of my choosing. I was strong because I could hold on. And, what did people say of me? I was caring, cute, smart, shy. But, was that enough?
As I age, in body and spirit, I feel broken and weak more often than not. Life is tumbling forward at a much quicker kind of pace. I can't always juggle and organize all of the choices that I want to keep to. I am tired and retreating to my weaker state. In this, I have found that being strong is not about holding on; it is about letting go. It is about who God says I am. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am chosen. I am hemmed in.
The world speaks of the outside. My God is concerned with the inside.
I need to think on that. My focus not towards patience, or some other ideal. I need to work on letting go. I need to let go of all the things that I want to form, and give God room to form His good plan, in me and through me. To lay all my plans before Him. To not focus on the end or the wanted fruitfulness, but the means- namely God Himself. My plans never work out my way anyways. I can never protect my kids enough, be patient enough, use grace-filled words enough, keep my house pure enough, or keep myself pure enough. I can only let God build character in my kids through trials and lessons; I can only let Him build my character when I reset each day with perseverance; I can only steward my children to grow at their own pace and pray that they turn out well; I can only ask Him for the words when I am at a loss; I can only seek and lean into God and His word, and let Him do the purifying and heart changing from the inside out.

I am not fully strong when I hold on tightly.... I am only strong enough when I let go. 

Motherhood

I have always wanted to be a mother. Just a mother. Maybe there were hints at other things, but those things were just to fill time until I could fill my days with children. I was never trained for motherhood. I dreamed and imagined, planned. But, I never trained. I am not a good cook, or rather I think I could be but I don't enjoy cooking. I like to sew, but mostly quilts. I have taken on homeschooling, and I did take a year of college back in the day that surrounded linguistics- maybe that helps. I have never learned to nurture fully, cook grandly, clean constantly, bake, sew, plant and tend a garden, or the logistics of the best way to discipline. I am glad however that God is in this motherhood business and has put in me, in us, an innate sense of how to care for our children, but even so I mess up continually.
This stream of thought has led me to thinking about other dreams. I am in mine fully now. I have more to make and plan (although I have learned through experience and self-inflicted disappointment, that God is the best planner really). In life I have begun to take initiative, to search, to take hold of my own learning and training. I no longer want to leave things to lovely thoughts, but want to search out what is needed to get to those places. I am ready to work hard.... at least I want to be ready.... I will try to be ready and not get weary of heart. And the training may be book knowledge, but the searching will be of God- for God in it all. Dreams, my dreams, come to fulfillment when they are lined up with God's plans. I just want to kick myself in the head to change things that I can't plan out-rightly. I want control of what I want everything to look like, but it never goes that way, and I am a slave to engraved habits and legacies. But again, God is also in the business of changing heart-ways, and heart-ways lead to action. The heart begins the rest. And, what is a dream, but a heart longing.... a silent prayer, beginning within- in a place where only God resides and interacts with us. That is a good place to start.

He works all thing for the good of those....

As I struggle lately, I see all sorts of pieces. As I try to fit together God's plan in my human mind, I see bits of thread. I see where He's brought me, in one place. I see Him leading my children, gathering them up in the now. Big theological questions come from a little man body, talks of baptism, a Kid's Church lesson that has led to daily prayers- unguided, self-initiated prayers. And this morn, with my daughter, talks of decision. Faith in itself has been growing. And that first kindle of faith is where we start to believe. This is big. All these things are fruit. As long as there is fruit I can be okay.
I have been thinking of all prayers. Of lunch time prayers. I don't like meaningless speech. I don't like prayers that are fake and so I often wonder at the significance. Or maybe of where I can find significance- meaning for my heart. Of course, we are thankful for provision, but why in this way? I have been reading a book of thanks, of a mom that seeks out grace-joy-thankfulness. Is it not to forget- this custom that we do daily? I think a thought of the beginning. Does this go all the way back to when the Israelites had to trust God for their meal, for the manna? The "what is it?" And then they gave thanks, and carried on giving thanks. To never forget that the provision was given by God Himself. And why do we think that just because we can go get our provisions at want, that it still does not come from God Himself? This has meaning to me. This I can give thanks for- to remember, to practice, to never let our children forget- to teach them, to teach ourselves, that all this is from God's hand. From His very hand.
And as of late, I have had another thought. Of prayers unspoken. Of prayers that I never asked for, but needed regardless. Of a God who sees me and knows me, and knows better than I know myself. I see my husband who is a gentle man- a man who loves his children and treasures them, and does not easily anger. A man who frustrates me to no end with his inability to see the urgency in any given situation. But then, where is the urgency? Is that just me. In all this, God has given me a huge gift. A gentle man- father-husband. And, I am thankful. And, this is fruit. Fruit of a thread woven in by God.

lovely words

I love words. I love my friend's blogs. I love when people share. Sharing equals letting someone in. If you never give of yourself, someone will never really know you. I think knowing brings on grace. If you know the depths of someone's heart and circumstance, then you will understand the whys. In that understanding there is grace, for the human heart knows of it's own struggle and can relate to another. Are you sharing of yourself? Thoughts? Why or why not?     

Bringing to the Table.

Everything is learned. Everything. And I want to be intentional. So, what does that look like? What do I let influence me? Who do I let teach me, mold me? And what about my children.... who do I let influence them? How do I stay ever changing, ever striving with a heart like King David? I cherish the friends that are like this. The ones that are changing and growing. The ones that know they are flawed, yet know that they are being perfected. Not perfect, but changing. Not stagnant, but stepping forward as much as able. Then, how do I influence those around me the same as I wish to be influenced? Do I let everything fall as it may? Again, am I intentional? Things cannot be undone. Things can be used for good, but cannot be undone.
I read a book awhile ago. I wish I had not. I had to finish it, had to reconcile this disturbing story. I could not undo it and so I read on, hoping for some redeeming factor. There was completion but no redemption. A hopeless story; God was not in it.
God is in my story.... When I am intentional, maybe when I am not. If I am His, and I am, then he plans it all out. Even when I start a Godless tale, he redeems my endings. My middles too. He changes and reconciles all things concerning me. I am thankful that my God is not some magic genie waiting to be appeased, but is personal. He doesn't grant me wishes, but waits until I come to Him and then He starts unfolding plans already written. Good plans. 
Right now, I have become intentional with myself and with my kids. I am being taught and learning firsthand from the Word of God. I am teaching my children from the foundation, and at home. What next? How do I be intentional with who I influence? How do I reach outwardly again now that foundations have been restored? What do I give of myself without tiring? Who do I keep, or let, in my sphere of influence? I think, only those who are willing to move? The ones who are genuine. Everything teaches. Some things taint. I don't want to stain someone of my weaknesses. I don't want theirs either. But, we need each other to see these things. Singularity brings blindness. So, who do I influence that influences me right back? Do they rejoice in evil? Do they tell me the truth? Do I listen to the truth? Can I tell them the truth? I am big on truth.
All these things bring me right back to God and His plan, and the question.... Am I intentional?   
A new heart prayer.... To be wholly intentional.       

blessings or curses

What would it look like to be able to be fully truthful and truly graceful at the same time? A place in life where we could humbly accept correction and truthfully speak a warning of tripping. Where we could strive for purity and nobility and humility. Where we would be put in our place not by human words but by the word of God being lived out, spoken out. Where we wouldn't be offended by being told we are being offensive. Where support would soften our words of drawing people back in. Where we would surround each other as family with protection, but not flattery, not accepting evil in and around. And, where the voice of God would be more important than the thoughts of people. Where we pray blessings instead of cursing. And where blessing and prayer is welcome and known.
I am guilty of criticism. It comes from a frustration of grace being misconstrued. It comes from wanting to draw in family and weed out deception. It is like when my sons are misbehaving and the fighting gets out of control, and they say, "Well, he was doing it first... too.... started it.... deserved it..." Are they allowed.... are they excused from doing right just because their brother enabled them to do so? Not at all. They are obliged to be obedient to the rules that their parent set out. The ones for their safety, for their character development, for them to learn to love each other. They are each responsible for their own choices. But, they are also taught and encouraged to look out for each other. To call each other on the break in rules. To call in authority when it is really important.
So, what would it look like to curb to the Father wholly? Can we really read and live the life-giving, living-and-active, word of God, and then nudge each other on? I am so wanting to be in the mindset of blessings over curses. Of not letting human frustration that I have constantly (and that you have constantly) be an ignitor of misbehavior. Tonight I am praying for understanding, for sifting, for truth to come forward (and not of my doing), and for blessings. For strengths and giftings and God's word to be the ignitor instead of each other's actions. And for a willingness to accept curbing in me and in you. For blinders to be taken off, to fall off. For a reshuffling of family and a enveloping of people that have a oneness. I have some repenting to do too. I have been carried away by a "deserved it" kind of thought. I will be working on blessing instead of cursing. Of letting God work out the details and not taking on the worry of it all. I will say, "God said so," but then I will let God deal. I am not the rule maker, but I can point to and call on the One who is.       
 

Refocusing on the little.

I need a super refocus. I need to shed some things. I need to shed all the things that so easily entangle. The things that are okay but keep my mind in a million places when I just need to focus on simple tasks in front of me. I think it is time to stop networking and start having more tea. I just bought some Chai so that's handy. This morning we refocused school too. Why did I begin in the first place? Not just to educate but to train up, teach, admonish, encourage (.... remember self). So, we started reading straight from the bible in the book of Psalms. I am not even worried that the kids may not understand it all. I just want to start conversations and be speaking life. Speech; that is a hard one for me. I am tired and cranky and not always graceful in speech, at least of late. I am frustrated again of things I can not change willingly. It is time to decide what is good and what is best, and strive for that better.
And in all this shedding, and deciding what is best, there are decisions to be made. Prayers to be prayed. What is good to hold on to? What is good to let go of? To simplify in order to go deeper. Less is more.

Admonish

Christianity has such a catch to it. God is so much wiser than we can understand and our brains can hurt trying to put meld everything He said in to something simple. It is complex. It is case by case. We are all striving for the same end but we all struggle in parts of that. The catch is this. Do we let each other struggle or do we hold each other to the means of that end? This is where a word comes in, an instruction:
Admonish....

ad·mon·ish  (d-mnsh)

tr.v. ad·mon·ished, ad·mon·ish·ing, ad·mon·ish·es

1. To reprove gently but earnestly.

2. To counsel (another) against something to be avoided; caution.

3. To remind of something forgotten or disregarded, as an obligation or a responsibility.

 Admonish is one of my favorite thoughts about how we are to be. I have it on a painting along with other words of how I will raise my kids... teach, encourage, train up, admonish.....

I love how it explains grace and action in a word. We so often forget that God's word teaches us to correct and rebuke each other so that we don't fall in to a death trap. We as people find it hard to grasp how we could do such a thing and still have grace. We only see it in the negative and as painful. It may even seem painful, but it is loving. We correct our children because we love them, but what of us that are all adults? Is our learning done? Not at all. And the teacher is the Word of God. No man can boast it is him or her. And I am not talking about correcting every man that walks by and being the sin patrol. I am talking about close brothers and sisters, family, best friends. We want the best for them, or at least we should. If we forget and think that we are judging them if we mention anything confrontational, then how will anyone grow. God uses us to lift each other up. Admonishing shows us how to do that; gently but earnestly. That is not a judgement in the sense of condemning anyone. That is saying remember what God's word says.... and offering counsel in a loving and graceful way. And then that grace that covers will not leave any shame. We don't hold things over each others heads. 

And I think if we stay silent there is risk of another scenario. Of judgement that feels like condemnation. That we will begin to see each other sliding and then question each others faith. We will see action upon action that is hypocritical to the word of God and then we will question who one really is, or where they stand. We will assume that they aren't a Christian because their actions don't match up to this end that we should strive for. We will look for good fruit but be unsure if there is enough.

So there is the catch it seems. Grace is always there, but then what do we do with it?

 Colossians 3:16

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

 Colossians 1:28

He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.

Frustrations.

This has been a long week. I am exhausted. It is too hot to cook dinner and my kids are running wild, screaming, while their dad tries to sleep. I am sitting here in the basement, trying to cool down before I make dinner. Unfortunately dinner is not an option with growing children. I have been a little down. Tiredness and reflecting on life can be disappointing sometimes. Being on opposite sides of faith with your husband, and pregnant and unable to do all you want to accomplish can make overlooked frustration come to the forefront. I am grateful that I can strive for all that encompasses a life lived for God, but this can also make a gap with us.... thoughts, friends, time, discipline, money.... everything. I am so in this time of grinding down this week. I feel oppressed in my own home sometimes. It is like anything good brings pressure. A war of sorts. I am so tired of this war. I want to continue in trusting God with my family (and I will) but I am tired. I hope God has a great plan.... that is silly, of course he does. I hope it has to do with a change of hearts around here, and soon. And I mean my heart too. Too much opposition brings walls. I just want to settle in with a house full of children and be in a peaceful and content place. To love and be loved. Excuse me while I go tend to something being sprayed all over the bathroom floor..... sigh.....

What Families Need (in a church).

Families need:

A safe place to land. A place where there are rules and bible-based standards, and where parents know their kids are safe away from them, until they are picked up again. A place where kids feel cherished and are led by people who have compassion for them, people who know the value of the next generation. A place where there is understanding of what the bible alone says towards children and who believe it in word and actions.

A place to grow. Where all family members can use their individual gifts, whether a parent or not. There is a definite command to teach our children, but within the church we also have a calling. We need to be supported in those callings even now- not when our kids are grown. That may mean putting up with kids running around in the background. And, even kids have callings on their lives at young ages too. Let them grow together with us, and teach them.

A place where there is fellowship.Where there are people willing to host whole families for lunch or coffee dates. Where people are willing to bear with young children's noise in order to engage a conversation beyond small talk. A place where people play together, as well as pray together, and therefore have the opportunity to speak into each others lives. When there is space for the kids to be kids, we will leave with hearts filled.

A place of truth. A place where biblical principles are sought out and there is continual thirst for change at every age from birth to death. A place where there is a humble understanding that no one has ever "arrived" at perfection, and where people are able to teach each other in stages of understanding and life. Kids are not the only ones who need to be taught. Father's need mentoring. Mother's need encouragement.

A place where we are welcome. There will be no teaching if there is no babysitter.... or will there be? We need Home Groups. We need bible study and fellowship in a place where there is a bed to put the baby down and a place for kids to play together. A place where shift work and multiple children defy all odds and we can hear the word of God during the week. I am teasing here, but really, we want to be part of the whole and not just segregated into our generational or gender groups. All of us can add a little, remind someone of youth, teach someone from wisdom, extol another with words of encouragement, be shown an untarnished side of a child's thinking, be rebuked in love to a place of repentance at a wrong thinking, or draw someone into a first understanding of grace.

Overall, we need to be invited. We need to feel welcomed. We don't want to impose our children upon anyone, especially when there are stares at the child chattering that they see grandma, auntie or a friend across the room, or people randomly commenting that kids sat through church in silence way back when. We don't want to sit alone cutting up food and wiping dirty chins at church potlucks. We don't want to be told that back in the day the moms took care of Sunday School or the dads were harsher at disciplining. And I assure you, our kids are still being disciplined but we might see that differently one to the next. We don't want to be excluded from all meetings and input and ministries because right now it is seen as our job alone to raise kids. We want to hear what God thinks about children in the heart attitudes of people surrounding us. We want you to know that most of us don't show up for ours or our kids salvation at church, but to be encouraged and to have fellowship with other believers. We don't want to be left behind as everyone rushes off to restaurants, when we know to follow means a large bill and the stress of shushing kids for at least another hour. We also want you to know that we are growing and able to be part of the body- if we have babies, we are no longer babies and are ready to be ushered in to ministries and  leadership of the church. If we are not invited, who will be trained? If our kids are not invited, who will be taught up next? If people fail to see the importance of teaching up the next generation, and the next, and the next, the church will die out with them. If people continue to regard themselves as done, having put in their time, and having their own lives to live; they will live their own lives indeed, but will not share in anyone else's. There is unity in understanding each other, young or old. We do not deem to be more important. We just want you to remember us and not overlook what we also need to thrive. We want you to remember your youth and your beginnings. Who mentored you? Who spoke into your life at a young age? How old were you when you began to lead? To teach? To lead worship? To Pastor? What did you need when you had a young family? We are part of you all, not separate. Please don't forget any longer. 

So what do I do now? Disconnecting....

I am overwhelmed with thoughts. We know we have made a good decision. I knew it right away when I looked around and all the things that frustrated me to no end were nowhere to be seen, and where things I hadn't thought about fully came to mind regarding what we need as a family. Anyways.... I have been getting phone calls, having tea, and having chats, all over the place. People have wanted to let me know that they support my decision and that is encouraging, although I was not looking for anyone's approval or thoughts except God's. This decision was between me, my family, and Him. However, there is a resounding agreement about places where things are broken or lacking. There is a desperate need for change and a stuckness of not knowing where or what to do. Here I don't know what to do, not in the what, but in the what to say. I need to disconnect but I also love these people that I am leaving, and still hope for change. I think there needs to be a collective conversation about the state of things, an inventory of spiritual things. I want to stay very vague but I have heard from the mouths of many people, the same discontent about certain things. I don't believe in just talking and not coming up with a plan or at least letting someone know. So, now what do I do? I would hope that someone else would do it but will they? I have heard alot of "no one wants to hear" or "no one wants to listen." If that is the case then why is there an outcry for the same changes to come about. Maybe some hearts aren't being heard or maybe people are just stuck. Maybe there is too much shushing for the sake of peacefulness, but it is only leading to anger and bitterness, with the same outcomes. What would really happen if people said no to being pushed in all directions and started to fully embrace the ministries that they have been called to? There would be gaps for sure. There would also be forced change. What happens when people are desperate.... they start to do what they should have been doing in the first place; they pray. Or the impostors are flushed out. The fakes. The ones that will remain standing will be the ones who are true in their faith. And when there is a collective truth being sought, there there will be change. I really want to have a conversation. I don't know. I may just need to disconnect and let it be. I have been trying for a long time now it seems. Okay, now I will pray....