Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Magnets

I am angry tired. Sometimes it is easy to lay down for awhile. I am in a fight. A war. It is so easy to lay down. There are no walls to build, and none to tear down. But I am in a war. There is no laying down. Those who lay down die.
I am in double opposition to the enemy. Fighting for two truths but unable to uphold either one. It is like two magnets being pushed at each other, both too strong to connect. But randomly something happens when those forces are facing. One flips and pushing that way turns into attracting that way, with a drawing that sticks strong. No longer any pressure or opposition or swaying. Just a state of rest and oneness and sticking together. I hope for this picture, only because I know my God, and in Him there is hope.
Maybe I can lay down, just in a different way.... and let Him fight this war.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

a heart of thanks

I had a chat on the phone with a friend this morning. It made me realize again how grateful I am to be homeschooling my young ones. I have thought that maybe one day I will send them back to school but the more I see from the other side, the more I think that I won't at all. The more I hear about what goes on in highschool, in grade five, in whatever, the more that I think I need to teach them until they are done. I mean college is a place where you can pick your school and your classes but public education is getting tricky. Fishy. Classes disguised as planning or health and career, which are really to teach sex. I am not an idiot and I think that is deceptive. I can't remember the other name at the moment but it was strange. And then there is the case with responsibility. The kids are given until the end of the grade to get all their work done. Where is the responsibility in that? I want my kids to learn that there are priorities. We say media and the family is declining and that is where the kids are getting their attitudes and disrespect. Well, what about school? I think that we are sending our kids to a place where they train them up all wrong and then wonder what happened. Man, are we dumb. We trust our kids with complete strangers and with a system that was falling when we were kids. We expect this to be part of their growth. It is part of their growth. The system: Grow up to be accepting. Grow up to be free. Grow up to be equal.... What they really mean is: Don't stand for anything. But do anything you want, moral or not. No winners, no losers, just be mediocre. Okay, I am being dramatic.... sort of, but is it really fair to send our kids to a place that feeds them with things contradictory to what we believe, or at least in opposition to what we believe because we don't fit into their box, and then wonder what happened to them. We tried so hard, we taught them so much. Did we?
I want my kids to learn: Acceptance means that everyone gets to be loved, not everyone gets to be right. Being free means being saved through grace and not of ourselves, it is a gift of God. I want them to know that when we make our own decision to choose that grace, we are then equal heirs, sons of Abraham.
This post isn't about preaching homeschool and condemning public school but we need to be aware of all that goes on when we drive away. I have only been homeschooling work wise for a month. I am sometimes unprepared or tired or second guessing my grammar (haha), but I am seeing so much change and grace in this that I have to share. That is what this is about. Taking charge of my children, nurturing a lifestyle of learning, and keeping truth in their lives. Everyday I am thankful, with joy, for some part of this journey. And hopefully everyday I will pray, and remember what this is all about and why we do it.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

little women

My heart soars when I have a chance to build someone up. Encouragement is my gifting. Women are my ministry. I find great joy and restoration in this and from this. And I love to worship.
So here's the deal. I still feel unsure about serving with the girls, but I am taking it on, three weeks at a time. I asked God for a change in heart towards my children, for patience. I can't see fully what is going on but I do know that young girls are still female. They will grow into women. Who will teach them how? They need a mediator. Someone to say... "Have you prayed about it?"....  "Jesus stands in the gap for you." I have decided to take this on in part. I don't want to miss out on the fruit. I want to grow them up. I feel inadequate so I am going to have to pray more for wisdom and a teaching that is to their level. I want to speak to their hearts with care and with honesty. I want to know them individually. They are little powerful people. Used of God. Spoken to by God. I want to be eqipped for those three weeks with a word for those girls. I want to use my experience to teach from what I know, from what I wish I was told. And not speaking down to them or looking down on them because they are young, but urging them on to be examples in love, life, faith, and purity. This still feels like a big job but I choose to take it and hopefully God has more to say.... to me.....

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Gah.

I need a moment to pray. September is fast and furious. There are double booked days everywhere. I have a heart for women, for family, for my children. I was not planning on taking on Kids Church. I said not this month at least, and it was given to me anyways. I have no joy there because I am tired. I am enjoying homeschooling fully and am loving the time and focus it brings towards my kids. I need the weekend to rest. I need rest day to rest. I am seeing no time for my heart when I am serving on Sunday. No time for my soul either. I have realized that once again, over the summer, I have lost my me time. Mom always comes last. I am only free to go to an appointment or a meeting. So, I need to pray. Homeschool= fruit, but where do I go, and what do I do for the rest of it all. I think there is great value in training up young girls to be women but is it time for me now? I feel like I have no ability to do this now, at this minute. I can see potential, I can see forced, good change, but I will not crash for the sake of my family. I said give me a month. I can see a side view of making a difference throughout a lifetime. Girls are young women. I have alot to speak into their lives that was passed on to me good and otherwise. I would love to be an influence. But for now I feel inadequate. And not hopeful inadequate either. I would like to give it some time, but I don't want to be stuck in something where I should not be. I am still confused. I wanted to wait for a month, I wanted to pray for a month. *Sigh. Too much work, not enough workers. Or is it too many lame workers. Should I see a need, fill a need? Or should I step out of the way and let God work? Oh, there is my answer. That is why I write. Now what do I do about it? Help, God....

Monday, September 10, 2012

Good fruit

Have you ever not known you needed something so much until you stepped into it. Something so God planned. A gift. A good and perfect gift. A gift that makes your heart soar. I am overjoyed in this minute. God has given us purpose in homeschooling. A way to change things for generations. A way to overcome and encourage. I am so overjoyed (in other words, "Praise the LORD, o my soul"). He has given us support in the form of a group of strong like-minded, strong hearted, women. I am overwhelmed with this sense of gladness/relief. There is a safe place for my kids to grow. There are people who have spiritual depth. There are actually "nowaday" mothers who love Jesus, and love kids, and stand for truth. Hallelujah. No really, hallelujah. This gives me tremendous hope. I am on a high and the thought is that I might make it home without being exhausted- I was thinking when I got to heaven, I was going to very tired. I might just find joy in the journey yet. Thank you friends. Thank you LORD. Mahal na mahal kita. (Add breathe of fresh, crisp, clean air here, and a misty-eyed Mamma with a little joy showing.)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

A little sarcastic, a little "I dare you to move."

I have almost been discouraged twice this week. Twice. See there are changes coming and when that starts to happen people get uncomfortable. We start to take a step out and someone yells, "There's a new path over here!" There's a little bit of brush in the way and we can't see the end, and then we talk ourselves out of it. We loop around in our minds, and then in actuality. We talk ourselves into a circle. Like a herd of cows.
But don't forget that our God is bigger. We should speak out our plan... heart... frustration... and then leave it open. An open ended question..... a prayer. Maybe if something makes our hearts mad, makes us frustrated, then it is something that we are passionate to see to fruition. Maybe, just maybe, that can lead to a ministry. Maybe we can step out of our "I am entitled to" world and begin to have a servant's heart. Maybe we can use the word "missionary" as a person with purpose, instead of just for those people who have to take a plane to a foreign country, and maybe that will lead to a change of thought. Maybe we can weigh the needs of our family, community, neighbors.... children... and feed them. Feed them spiritually, emotionally, physically, according to their needs. Maybe we can stop being spoon fed for a day or a year and learn to share. Maybe we can make church about people and therefore not make it only for indoors. Maybe we can stop catering to the thought, "it's hard...." and start thinking on the thought, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.... the kind of strength that is immeasurably more than we can imagine...."  Maybe if there was enough money, time, people, uh... maybe if someone else starts it first, takes charge.... uh....  Wait a second. Is God limited to money... time... people.... strength....
I am not going to take leftovers anymore. Not for my kids. Not for myself. I am seeking a change. I don't have to move to do it, at least not farther than my knees. My God is faithful. I choose to put my faith where my mouth is.... where my feet  are.... even if I am waiting for awhile. I choose to be used, or God will pass on by and use someone else. I choose to put God before man and not let circumstance dictate my choices. I choose to find truth and hold onto it even when others are trying to confuse my thoughts. I choose to worship when no one is left standing. I choose to make choices and use my brain and spirit to weigh what comes at me, whether in church or out. I choose to choose Jesus back always. He chose me first, it is only fair.
So hey you in that comfy chair whose butt is getting sore from sitting for over an hour, what do you say? What is your heart? Who is it for? How can God turn that? Who do you choose?

Monday, September 3, 2012

??

No matter what happens, God is changing things in me. I am seeing the start from the beginning and not in increments... God's plan for us.... our faith walk.... our womanhood.... I am thinking that he may restore some really old things in my heart..... really old. Things that got torn out of my hands little, then older, then finished off as an adult. Put to death. I was not one to try again. I just walked out of the pain and never looked back. In all aspects. I learned to duck, and then avoid before the swing came (not literally, don't worry, but in a figurative sense).
These things are about children. Mine. Someone elses. I can't see this in full yet. I don't know what is going on. I am so frustrated. This is not a normal place for me. Frustration that is. I can fix it, pray it, something it usually. But I do have thoughts about a time when it was different.
We will see. God doesn't start something for nothing.