Saturday, October 30, 2010

Fricken' Eve

I am going to have to come to the conclusion that I am just human and therefore I cannot be a perfect mom. I will have to realize that no matter what I do I cannot keep my children safe and on a clear path. Just writing this makes me feel ill. The safe part that is. I have such ambition, and such expectation of myself. I hope for all things good for my kids. One day they will make their own choices. One day they will get their little hearts broken. One day they won't be so little. I have to fight all of these days until those days and beyond, to let them go and let God take care of it all. It's all I can do. Sometimes I want to blame Eve half jokingly but don't you think she went through it too. She didn't wake up one day and think to herself, I am going to disappoint my husband today, I am going to scar my children for generations to come. I don't wake up thinking, I am going to lose my patience when I am exhausted, I am going to be disappointed in my husband for not reading my mind. I think all things good for my family in the morning and before I go to bed but somewhere in the exhaustion in between I lose my plan. Good thing God has a plan for good and not harm, for a future and a hope. I am going to bed...all things look brighter in the morning. Maybe one day I'll write a post in the morning. It won't be so melancholic....

Thursday, October 28, 2010

We are weak and he is strong.

Today this small town feels like a big city. The weather is dark. The valley goes on forever through the mountains and it is dreary, rainy. It is as if this place knows of the tragedy. Of a woman who left us. A friend that didn't give us enough time to know her well. A beautiful mother that is leaving two precious girls. I can't imagine what their grief is like. I can imagine what hers was. Enough to drown in. I wish she could have connected with us. I wish she would have stayed. This isn't a time for wishes. This is a time for prayer. That is all I can do. It puts life into perspective. I am not the one who can help but I can pray. And I don't have words but God knows the heart. In death there is change. In life there is change. I know she is resting in heaven. My anxiety is high for thoughts of her family left behind. I can pray.
God, I pray for peace in the valley of the shadow of death. I pray for mourning to come and be full, for this is the time for that. I pray for leaning on you and not pushing away. I pray that our thoughts would become actions and our words soothing. I pray for blanketing hugs for her girls, as well as her husband. I pray that when all we can do is pray that we do just that and not for a fleeting moment but for real. And God let us listen. That if there is something more we can do.....if not thank you Lord that we can pray..........

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I have that feeling again

I am praying for change these days. Not to do with my anxiety but with life in general. Every once in awhile I get that feeling...like life is going to change or something is about to happen. I had that just awhile ago and now the silence that comes after, while I wait in anticipation for what God is about to do in our lives.
I have been praying for a home. We left a cozy little home that was our own and I long for a house to settle into that doesn't come with an old strange guy attached to it. One prayer. I have been praying that my husband could move around in his company. That he could get an apprenticeship...or the desire of his heart. He is a genius when it comes to anything mechanical and whether or not he has worked on something, he can figure it out and fix it.....our plumbing, furnace, framing, electrical, refrigerator, more plumbing.... Another prayer. Hm....these are the ones on my heart right now. I am grateful for this big spacious rental home and grateful for my husband's job which lets him be home for four days every week if he chooses. I am hopeful for more. Not just to be fine, but be content. To be fulfilled.
There are other things..for peace...for patience...for healing....to connect....for clarity...to simplify my thoughts...but these concrete changes are things that I can hope towards.

Monday, October 18, 2010

in sickness and in health

I love my children. They are so smart, so gorgeous, so strong. I strive to do anything and everything for them. I don't mind getting up in the night to care for them. To gaze at their cute little noses and long eyelashes. I often let them sneak into our bed when their Daddy is at work. I love to have them near and smell their little necks and kiss their little eyelashes. And when I was pregnant I would hold them as I slept and feel their little feet or knees or bum.
I wish it was all this pleasant. I wish I had more patience. I am exhausted. I fear I am painting the wrong picture sometimes. I don't mind being exhausted by lost sleep and long days. I am exhausted deep within my soul. I am saddened by the fact that I feel things ten times more than I should. I am anxious about anything that could possibly happen. And I don't choose this. I feel everything that could happen. It races through my mind and I fight for it to pass. I am exhausted. An internal war. At night I pray for peace and God hears my cry.
I hope that he can take this all from me. My loss was such a shock. A huge ordeal in secret. I see MacCrea often in my mind. Holding him. It makes me want to be sick. Then it makes me want to cry. Then I do cry a little. Then I move on. I tuck it away and wait for heaven. I wait for healing.....

Friday, October 15, 2010

miscarriage is a deceptive word

Miscarriage is a deceptive word. It evokes thoughts of blood and pity. It makes light of the truth that a baby is dead. I had a child and now it is is heaven. I wonder all things about him...about her. I fear death of myself, of my children. I am distracted by a gazillion other things but in the quiet I am shaking. I am scared to death. Of death. Not of pain. Not of heaven. I long for heaven. But of loss. Tradgedy. Shock and unimaginable pain. A pain that cannot be physically soothed. Only God can heal. When will that healing come. Digging deeper into the grief, and only because I could breathe no longer, I am more afraid. How can I deal with this and raise my kids to know they are loved when all I know is fear. Be anxious of nothing....I am anxious of everything that involves my precious children. I am so exhausted of feeling this way. Will saying this over and over bring change. Can I just rationalize everything until I believe the world is well again. Oh God, let it be well again.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I don't want to go to bed.

Maybe it has to do with not going to bed until all is resolved. I am having a hard time tonight. I sometimes wish that you could die of a broken heart, then I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. It comes out of nowhere. A heightened anxiety for no reason....or at least no conscience reason. I am frozen in fear. I feel like I will throw-up or wish that I could or at least scream. Hmmm...maybe I am grieving now. I have just had this thought. It is hard to deal. In this is where my two sides collide. I am a graceful compassionate woman of God who longs to love people to him....and I am a broken humiliated soul who wants to be reclusive and sleep. I am thoughtful and wise, then opinionated and harsh, then wounded and small, then gentle and quiet. I am glad for my suffering. It brings understanding into the lives of the weak and broken. Because I am one of them. But I am also strong. I am still alive and I am fighting. I am trying to find balance in all of this..who I once was and who I became. I am growing character. I just hope it doesn't take too long.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

into the world

My biggest boy is now in preschool. It is oddly enough not too hard to let him go....that is if he is happy. He loved preschool for the first while and now, while he always has lots of fun, he doesn't want to stay without me. It is hard to let go when he is upset.
I am now trying to manouver playdates or anything that will make him feel more comfortable. It feels like highschool instead of preschool. I want him to encounter kids of all sorts and learn to accept, while keeping his beliefs and standards. I want to pick the kids he plays with and he doesn't know any of them yet.
The parents are joining the kids in new relationships or old cliques. Can't it be simple. They are only three and four years old. Tommorrow we have a playdate. I hope we make good relationships, both him and I....

Sunday, October 3, 2010

death or life

When I was young I wanted to die when I was fifty. I wanted to have my kids and then die young. Now I want to live until I meet all of my great-granchildren.
My Grandpa is in the hospital. He has made it far but now his lungs don't want to breathe anymore. They won't produce oxygen and he could go to sleep and not wake up. The family is having a hard time to decide what to do. He has never wanted to be on machines, living with tubes in him. My uncle wondered how do you choose whether you live or die. My husband says it is selfish for him to just die and leave everyone. I say it is selfish for everyone to expect him to stay around in this state. We both have good intentions. We both hate selfishness.
I was told that there are many questions that the family has to ask now. I say that there is just one. Does he know God? If he does then all confusion should fall to the side. If the family really believes then they will have peace in the fact that he is with Jesus. It will still be hard to let him go but this life is the short one. He will be having a new birthday the day he leaves. I heard someone say today that all you have to do is say yes. God wants you... just say yes. I hope to hear that he has or is saying just that before he goes. Then I can see him in heaven. And he can meet his other grandchildren. God give someone the strength and the words to lead him on.