miscarriage is a deceptive word

Miscarriage is a deceptive word. It evokes thoughts of blood and pity. It makes light of the truth that a baby is dead. I had a child and now it is is heaven. I wonder all things about him...about her. I fear death of myself, of my children. I am distracted by a gazillion other things but in the quiet I am shaking. I am scared to death. Of death. Not of pain. Not of heaven. I long for heaven. But of loss. Tradgedy. Shock and unimaginable pain. A pain that cannot be physically soothed. Only God can heal. When will that healing come. Digging deeper into the grief, and only because I could breathe no longer, I am more afraid. How can I deal with this and raise my kids to know they are loved when all I know is fear. Be anxious of nothing....I am anxious of everything that involves my precious children. I am so exhausted of feeling this way. Will saying this over and over bring change. Can I just rationalize everything until I believe the world is well again. Oh God, let it be well again.