Sunday, October 10, 2010
I don't want to go to bed.
Maybe it has to do with not going to bed until all is resolved. I am having a hard time tonight. I sometimes wish that you could die of a broken heart, then I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. It comes out of nowhere. A heightened anxiety for no reason....or at least no conscience reason. I am frozen in fear. I feel like I will throw-up or wish that I could or at least scream. Hmmm...maybe I am grieving now. I have just had this thought. It is hard to deal. In this is where my two sides collide. I am a graceful compassionate woman of God who longs to love people to him....and I am a broken humiliated soul who wants to be reclusive and sleep. I am thoughtful and wise, then opinionated and harsh, then wounded and small, then gentle and quiet. I am glad for my suffering. It brings understanding into the lives of the weak and broken. Because I am one of them. But I am also strong. I am still alive and I am fighting. I am trying to find balance in all of this..who I once was and who I became. I am growing character. I just hope it doesn't take too long.
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I can relate to the two natures. I also keep waiting to get past my issues..to grow enough character that I'll magically be "better" than I am now. I get the feeling that while we morph a bit..we don't ever really get past things, we just grow out of some of them. Other issues we have forever. Those ones are probably the ones we formed when we were very young. I have a big issue with fear of abandonment - because of my mother leaving - but since I've had kids, my issue has split and turned into two: the other with a fear of abandoning my family, like my mom did. I don't have the answers and to be honest, sometimes it seems like even Scripture doesn't have them. We just have to lean on the knowledge that we can rest in Christ.
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