I am a dreamer.

I have been daydreaming. My eyes have been opened and I have seen how life can be different. I am finding joy and peace and contentment where I am at. I am being used of God and am being blessed. I am not waiting for my kids to grow up, or waiting to get better a hundred percent. I am stepping out in faith. I can't see where or why. In retrospect, I see where sin has rippled into miles of ocean. I can see where God's hand has shown mercy and protection. This week as I have been pushing out of fear and speaking out of faith, my soul has been encouraged. It is not of me but of God. He knew. He knew me. God remained faithful.

Proverbs 19:21~
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

JOY

I LOVE that God uses our pains for truth! Did you ever notice that when God turns around our situations, and uses them for the good of helping others, we aren't usually helping them avoid those struggles rather we are helping them find hope amidst their storm. Everyone has to come to their own truths in God's time. I am humbled that I can be used to spur that on.....and I am sooo greatly thankful for the ones that have spurred me on too. We can share in each others sufferings and then we get to share in the resulted JOY that comes after the storm:)

It's the overflow, of a forgiven soul. And now we see you, God. Our hearts cannot stay silent! ~matt redman

joyfuljones.com (a blog about JOY after pain:)

Dancing generation

Rebirth.

Wow. I just stumbled upon this site that had a beautiful picture that made me stop. It was of a young woman facing forward, walking into a field. She wore a beautiful flowing dress of white. The field was not a field of grass but a field of tulips. Strong, tall, healthy tulips. She was walking into the sun and towards a beautiful horizon, tulips parting as she went.
This picture immediately made me think of my last post. Of an orphan girl. This girl was alone but she was shining. Strong. Owned.....

Humble

When I was in the shower this morning (a place where it is quiet), I saw a picture in my mind's eye. A picture of a little girl. She was too young to be alone but she was alone. She had her back to a big old white house and she was wearing rags. Her feet were bear and her skin was filthy dirty. I don't know if she was an orphan but she felt like it.
She started to walk away from that house and I knew where she was going. It was raining and she took off her ragged clothes. Left them there. In a heap. She walked naked and ashamed, through that rain, further into the field of grass. The rain was cleansing her. Her tears washed away in it. She walked until she no longer felt shame.....

drawn out of the dark

I am saddened this morning by a number of posts this morning on friend's blogs. I had a whole post written yesterday and just deleted it...and now I see why. It came out all wrong. It was just for me.
I am not feeling hopeless reading these posts though. I just snuck out of that place and I am still smirking. I do know though that everything will be drawn out that is not of God and that you will have to walk through that place. There is no alternate path. But (and I mean big but) there is no fear in God. Sit still in that place and spew it all out to God. He is not afraid of your anger, nor does he ignore your cries. When your children cry in that much pain do you say, "stop crying you worthless child." I know I don't. I say, "You're okay...mommy's here...and mommy loves you."
God keeps reaffirming two things to me and it has stirred a tidal wave in my life this week. (And this was after drawing out all those pains back to six years old.) And those things are this....I have engraved you on the palm of my hand...and....forgive. Forgive yourself. It okay I AM is here and I love you......

The big He.

I have a humble smile on my face. It looks like peace. My eyes are shining. The eyes of my heart are open. A truth is this, that good and evil are not equal. God created and God is in control. I can feel that. God loves me more than more. I once worked with YWAM in the Philippines and I like the way their language expresses this. Mahal na mahal kita.....I love love you. Sometimes we have to hear it twice. I love you. No really, hear me.....I love you. I have been praising for days. My blog has been changing for awhile. I am excited to see this fruition in my life. I can't wait until I am surrounded by more that have walked this same path...up to the mountain. I am standing there with my face turned upward and HE is kissing my eyelashes.  
Mahal na mahal kita LORD.

Majesty(Here I am) - Delirious

A testimony of Grace....

Just over a year and a half ago, God brought me back to this town. I didn't want to come here. My husband rerouted us here. But I knew in my heart that God rerouted us. This place, and this church, has been a place of pain for me. But God has been restoring. Where my spirit was broken and where my soul was sick. In our woman's group, Mom's Time Out, we have been doing a Beth Moore study of Esther called It's Tough Being a Woman. It was an amazing study of wisdom and truth. At the end of it I felt like I would be free of my anxiety. I was waiting...
About a month ago I had a dream that a woman who was very dark and had see-through blue eyes had come in the night. She was fear itself. This spirit of fear had me up against the wall and was pressing my heart with her fist to suffocate my life out of me. I knew that this was what was happening in reality.
About two weeks ago, I had start to feel like I was going to die. I couldn't breathe and I knew it was NOT just physical sickness.
On Thursday I went for prayer counselling. God showed me places where I had to forgive, and not only that but that he had forgiven me. I had never left God but I felt like my prayers didn't count anymore. In that meeting the LORD said to my very being, "I AM YOURS, AND YOU ARE MINE. IT IS NOT TOO LATE." And I really feel the need to share this testimony, not only to praise God that he is healing me even in my imperfection, but I know that I am not the only "grown up youth" that had left this church in pain. God is restoring. He wants to say, "I AM YOURS. YOU ARE MINE. IT IS NOT TOO LATE."

PSALM 103.

Mexican prayer vigil

I am smiling again this morning. I just read a little note from a friend. There are a bunch of friends and family over in Mexico. This happens every year around here. They all fly south around February.
Anyways, the note was about the prayers that they had joined in as I had told them I was going in for it. The prayers match the ones that happened on this part of the world. I am not surprised. I know God already. I am just smiling. Confirmation is fun.
What I am surprised in is that forgiveness was such a big part of this healing process. Not because I didn't know it counted but I just didn't realize where I was holding onto things. Even the little ones that surrounded situations. I think I rationalized the heck out of all my pains, found the truths, but forgot to get over it. Held onto it so that people would know why I was this way. Haha. There is a revelation for you. Hold on to why you are that way and you will stay that way. And there is the truth for my morn.


-> And on a side note. This makes me think of a friend. Friend. The big He loves you. Not only that but you are his. He chose you first. And everyone can tell when they look at you. No one sees an abandoned little girl. Everyone sees a woman of God. One that has chosen all things good in her relationships despite all things and who raises her children wisely and with good intent. You are a leader and God will bring you through. Why. Because he has big plans for you. And when you are ready it will all sink in. Just passing it on....he told me yesterday. I love you.

The LORD is Gracious and Compassionate

The LORD is gracious and compassionate
Slow to anger, and rich in love
The LORD is gracious and compassionate
Slow to anger, and rich in love

And the LORD is good to all
He has compassion on all that he has made

As far as the east is from the west
That's how far
He has removed his transgressions from us
As far as the east is from the west
That's how far
He has removed his transgressions from us

Praise the LORD, O, my soul
Praise the LORD
Praise the LORD, O, my soul
Praise the LORD


1998 Vineyard Songs
Words and music by Graham Ord

Casting Crowns - East To West (Live) from Altar and the Door

Joy

I am there.
God said, "YOU ARE MINE <3." And I heard him and understood. It is NOT too late. You can't be disowned. You don't get to pick your family. He is my family. I am yours LORD.....
I can feel the warm wind again. I have passed the death. I have walked the rutty field. I am standing on the edge of a giant crevasse. I am not afraid to fall off. I might jump off even. There is nothing there but God.
I can run now. I can scream out loud. I can take my time on the trail down. You will hear me singing. A song that comes from my soul.
But really. I had prayer counselling this morning. I had to. I felt like I was about to die.
I say to my kids often, "Do you know how much I love you?"....."Big, big big big Big big love:)" It is like that.   

A basket of quilt scraps.

I am gathering all my sufferings in a basket. I am turning them into a quilt. Of all the scraps I will make something beautiful. Bright and warm. It will be able to cover not only me but others. I will be able to say, "I know how you feel, but God is bigger, stronger." I will know more then and be aware of the threads that God has sewn together. To heal. To hold it all together. To hold me together. I will be of greater character. Not proud, humble. Not a know it all, but wise. Not muscular, strong inside. And my eye wrinkles will show around eyes that shine with the knowledge that God is truth. He cannot lie. I was only lying in myself. In my weakness. And then God will use me. I won`t fear.
I can see myself in a house in the middle of a field, on a small hill. With family surrounding me. Children the age I am now and babes that are mine but not from my womb. And I will have fellowship there with old and young. We will teach each other the ways of the LORD. I will not forget and the good fruit will be hidden no more. My sorrow will have subsided and my joy will be greater. For greater is he that is in me....

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8.

This doctor still makes house calls.

I am almost ready. To let go. My greatest fear is my family. I am angry that I feel no one has ever loved or protected me. It may not be true but I am still mad. I am ready to let it go. I don't want to fight or blame. I don't blame. We are all people. We all have reasons. I have reasons. Now it needs to be fixed. To move forward. To not be controlled by outsiders. To encourage. To uplift. To free.
I started this post yesterday and then my bests came and kicked me out of my house to make dinner for me. I walked, in the cold, over crusted snow....I could've walked forever. I am really sick right now. I have never really been this bad...maybe before but without kids. It is so worse with my poor babes. They don't need a sick mamma. They don't really know. Maybe just a little. They give me more cuddles and longer ones.
I have been handed books. There is a stack on my quilt cupboard. I just want someone to tell me what to do. I am overwhelmed with thoughts of what to do. I am fighting but quietly. I am scared. I don't need to be. Or at least I hope not.
By the end of this month, I am going to be better...and not just better, free. This is my prayer. Then I can see over that mountain side. I'm am sure there is a lake on the other side. One that I can jump in. Joy returned.....

The war.

I have come to a strange spot on that old mountain plateau. I am dredging through water and weeds. Before me are others that had come to try and reach a creek to drink, but there was a war. They lost. They lie there lifeless. I have to walk over them if I am going to survive. I have to decide how that will happen. This is such a strange place. It was hidden. There is no wind. It is just damp and foggy. I can't see my way out and that is frightening....so frightening that everyone can tell. And they all prayed for me last night. And I slept. I hope today the damp doesn't chill me so much. Then I can see past this place of death, to that untouched water source that will heal.
My friend woke up this morning and sent me this:
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4.
And I know the rest...I think I will take it literally this morning.....
 

Childline.

I grew up in the Okanagan. Born and raised as a child. Beautiful BC. With beaches and family.
We lived near the downtown core but on a newly developed road. My paternal grandma and grandpa lived two blocks away. I loved to ride my bike down to their house and spend time with my grandma. I remember chatting and making beds up for her kids that were still at home. I am the oldest of all the grandchildren on both sides and my parents are both oldest children. My uncle was ten when I was born. I named my daughter for her, Cecilia. 
My maternal grandparents lived up the hill on the other side of the lake and we spent a fair amount of time there too. My grandma was raising my cousins and therefore we all were the best of friends. They lived next to a bible camp and we had free rang out there and around the property. There was a toboggan hill out back of the camp in the winter and at Christmas, us cousins would trek out across the camp and up the toboggan hill. In the summer, fall, and spring, we climbed trees and played in a small playhouse that my grandpa had built. I remember that us cousins had gone out on the hill, a road beside the driveway that ran the length of the property and the farm below, and took each for ourselves a little red and white tricycle. We took off down the hill and those trikes would go so fast that our feet would fly off. We had to turn down the road by the farm or else we were destined for the main road. We had so much fun. At dinner when we held hands and my grandpa said prayers over dinner, my cousin and I would be holding in giggles and we had our own little code for when we wanted to convince my mother to let me stay the night.
The bible camp was affiliated with a church in town and my mother took us there as her duty until I was six. At that point her second cousin started a church on our side of the lake and we went there instead. At this church I felt joy. I knew God for real at six. He was always there and always with me, to this day. At that point I remember that my mom took me everywhere with her . To church at night, to baby showers, to bible study. I loved to tag along and sit with the adults. I rarely wanted to stay home. My kids are the same way.
There were some problems at home around this same time. I had nightmares regularly and was shy. I had my best friend next door and a few down the street. I cherished my few good friends. We rode bikes all over, my favorite thing to do. I am still in touch with that best and she recently had her first babe.
I remember my parents fighting some and something that sticks out in my mind is one time at the dinner table when my two brothers were telling my dad that they hated him. I didn't like that one bit and decided that I was going to be on his side. I was. I prayed for him to know God like I did, everyday for years. He met Him later on when I was a teenager.
When I was almost finished elementary school, my dad was laid off from a mine that had closed. We moved at that point. I found my place very quickly in that small town. And I had decided that being a Christian was a very serious thing. My few good friends that I found knew Him too. I think that move saved me in many ways. I was always glad to be in that place when I heard of my old friends being into drugs. He brought us there. In that place is where my childhood ended and the teenage years began. And so ends the part of my timeline from when I was a child.
 

100 years is nothing in light of eternity

I am losing it. I am wondering if I am going to need some medication soon. It has been really bad. I really don't want to. And yes I haven't been getting much good sleep and no I haven't been getting out of the house alone either. I can know how to make life a bit better but planning it out is a nightmare. I would rather stay home and pray for bedtime to come quickly. This is making my filter broken again. I have been sick but not really sick, just lingering on sick. I have to keep convincing myself that I am not dying. I can't breathe and I can't tell if it is from the anxiety or from a secret life taking illness. That might sound funny and insane but at moments throughout the day, I CAN'T BREATHE.
I was just getting ready to write my timeline. I couldn't really leave the bad out but I had decided to put it all in there, good and bad. How the two might have affected each other even. As soon as I see light I feel the darkness pounding down harder. I think I need some major prayer. I fear that it is not only my war, and someone else is letting in the enemy. I just need to think that good change must be coming. I can't live with these ups and downs. I get high and then fall too far. My body is aching. My mind is foggy. I need some comfort, hope, and joy.

The runner.

I feel like running. In heaven I am going to be a runner. My tired body is going to be released and I am going to run. Like Forest Gump. HAha. It is because I have been stuck in this house for too long. I am exhausted and I want to run. Doesn't make much sense does it. But my mind starts racing and then I want to run.
I used to walk this town at dusk, years ago. I would walk this town of hills until I sorted things out and was too tired to walk anymore. Then I would drag myself home. I am not complaining. I am just needing to go. Just needing to be. Just be. In quiet. Breathing fresh air. Trusting God to sort things out. I think that running is like a silent screaming. Good thing writing is like running on the spot.

broken church

I think that our church should change it's name to: "We Don't Care What Denomination we are, We just are, in Him, Church on the MOUNTAIN." I know it's long but it would be suiting.
The family of Christians that attend my home church are made up of people that have been thrown and chosen to move from one location, with different pastors, to another. There has been a cult-like pentecostal church, a baptist church, a home group, a church plant, and another pentecostal church. There has been a pastor that was a liar, one that left and then left his wife, and one who was voted out for no good reason that I can see, among others. Everyone has been hurt and everyone has moved around. But now everyone co-exists in a building shared. It is all still the same family. The same people. They are still overcoming. And there is change. I think that God is calling back the broken youth that are now grown up and have families of their own. I am one of those. We are all slowly trickling in.
A few years back, all of these people who stayed in this town, came together. At first for two separate services by two denominations. Then they joined to one. Now in jest some call themselves bapti-costals.
God has restored. He is rebuilding. I love this family.
The only thing now that I see....that struck me on Sunday morning, were the young woman, standing alone. Not many of my bests has a God-fearing man by her side (at least not here). Some have Christian husbands, some don't, and some have altogether left their husbands. All of us mothers with beautiful children. Raising the next generation to know our faithful God.... alone. I think not. I am waiting. This change will come too......

Third Day seems to be the pick of the month;)

humbled in God's presence.

This morning I am humbled. By a woman the same as me. But different. She was abused. She is broken. She is like me but more. I am humbled. My eyes are open. I see now where my God had his hand over me. I was abused but it ended. It was not a huge fearful place for me. I was young and realised the wrong and even though the other had pushed on, it ended right there. And there was no fear. There is fear in many things for me, but here no fear. That is big. God had his hand in this I am sure. My lot was drawn but God turned the tables. And I am humbled.
I have always been able to find the truths, to find the lesson, in all that has happened, but never in this lot. Now I know. It was just a lot. But my God turned it around.
That same year I had found him. This is where he took over. This is where I gave him control. At six. And he has had his hand in everything since then.
I have been sword fighting on this mountain plateau for weeks. I am thankful for a new truth.

My sword:
Keep me safe, oh God, for in you I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord, apart from you, I have no good thing."
As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips.
LORD, you have assigned for me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made know to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
~ a miktam of David, Psalm 16

Alphabet Soup

I need to get out and run...or maybe walk.
I am out of shape.

I need to take my friend Katie's lead and get off this damn computer. (She wouldn't say damn).

I need to create.

I love this fabric that I have bought to make a gorgeous green wall hanging, to go on the bare curtain rod that is across my kitchen wall.

I put up the curtain rod at Christmas to display a very treasured gift- a Christmas Tree Rag quilt from my 58 year old best, Diane.

I bought this genius book, Alphabet Soup, online.

I smile when I look at this colorful book.

I don't like following full patterns much and am not an expert quilter.

I can take the alphabet patterns they give and create a great family heirloom.

I want to quilt out our last name.....and maybe try out some applique. Here we go......

On a mission.

I am going to get out another "to do" on my mind's log today. My great aunt who is a missionary in Barranquilla, Columbia had contacted me today. I hear from her every once in awhile.
Her mother had given me a lovely letter years ago that she had written about her life. She has passed now but this letter inspired me at one point to collect a few more of these type of writings from women in my family. One of these woman was her daughter in law, my grandmother. The next, my mom. Today I thought that I would ask my auntie Ruby as well. While in the shower I thought to myself...maybe I can ask my auntie Sandy, who is my mothers sister. Then, my paternal grandmother. I am on a mission to contact each of these and ask for their stories. I want to compile for myself from each of these people who have influenced my life greatly. Oh, and I can ask my cousin Ashley who was one of my best friends when I was younger.
Anyways, my mind is whirling with thoughts now. I have also had stories of my own that I want to blog about from my childhood....and then there is that timeline that I am still pondering....
My name is not Serene by the way. It is Tara. Serene is my middle name. It means quiet. It was a way of being more hidden when I started this anonymous blog, which is not so anymore.
Tara means strong tower. Sometimes is can mean rocky hill. Either way, I am all of these....

Prayer: My soul's favorite passtime.

When I ask for prayer it is because I mean it. I know it works. I trust my God. I don't however trust myself. When I am riding out the storm, I know that if someone could just pray, the waters would die down. Then I can just float around, laying low in my vessel until I hit ground again. I am okay today.....someone must have prayed. It wards off my demons. I can feel them out there but they can't touch me. Thank you.