I love you to the sky.

It's little Mac's day. Happy day babe. <3

a dream, a glimpse, a pirate party

Sometimes I get scared that I won't be able to pull myself out. Sometimes it isn't a matter of climbing out, rather holding on. This too shall pass. I love when God stirs my soul and even though I don't know how a change is coming, I can feel it coming. It is so hard when you are in the middle of it all, to see the path turning. I often find myself getting a little excited when I see a friend that has been struggling and is now at a desperately hard turn. I know that this usually means that something is going to finally change and it will be good because God answers prayer. Those who seek him out will find him. It is hard to remember this when you are the one distressed. It is hard to seek when you are exhausted and battling at every turn.
I know I am probably repeating myself but I have to say all this and that I love fall. It is my favorite season. It always brings good change and stability. I love sweaters and jeans, and warm blankets. I love being surrounded by bests. I love the programs that entertain and bring fellowship for both myself and my children. I am start to feel ambition returning and maybe, just maybe, some rest.
I have been feeling lately that I am out of place. I have been watching the people around me and feeling disconnected. I know I was hiding out this summer, too exhausted to give anything. I am remembering that if I am feeling this way about most everything, then it is time to start reaching out of myself. A giving, encouraging, and friendly spirit always brings more happiness. When I start to call, to say hi, to remember needs, and to push past my depression, I start to feel better. Unforgiveness and bitterness feed depression and anxiety. I long for the way things used to be but they aren't. I can choose to be sad or I can grow relationships into something new. I can be the encourager, the peacemaker.
Oh GOD, let the fruits of your spirit come. More and more.  

remember to cry

God hears your cry. He does. So speak it.
Last night in my prayer journal, I spoke it. "God, ....... I am unbalanced again & on the wrong side. I would rather be unbalanced, leaning into you...." I am not going to tell you my whole prayer but God answered it immediately and confirmed it in the morning. First with the verse, Romans 8:13 ~ For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. I feel that. Then in the morning a sermon was spoke straight from God's heart, through a man's lips. That sermon was for me. I'm sure others too, but for me. Even personalized. With the verses God gave me when we moved to this town..... I know the plans I have for you....and with verses about fear, which I succumb to so easily.
Today was encouraging. I feel humbled by God's presence and reminded that greater is He that is in me, even though I feel brought down by some who don't know him. But then there are those surrounding me that know God, and I need that fellowship. I can't wait for the fall. It is a time of renewing. A time where it gets cold and we all get close again and remember where our focus is.
I need to remember to love out loud, and to cry out loud.

grrrrrr

I am frustrated. I am trying my hardest to love and care for my kids and I meet resistance. So what if I am over protective... if my kids don't almost drown, don't get sick on cake, don't get so tired that they crash, don't get to run wild until they need stitches. Isn't it my job to protect them. I try my hardest not to smother them but I don't say what the heck, we ate cake until we were sick when we were kids, fell down the stairs until we learned, never wore our seatbelts, and we turned out fine. And these are mild statements. I know some of the parents that wish they just watched their kids a little more. And why is it so bad to care. People get right mad at me. I am so tired of this. I can care for my kids however I choose. And if I don't, I feel like I could die. I can feel my son falling down the stairs, I can see my daughter throwing up from sunstroke.... I don't ponder this. It hits me. Until my heart feels like it will stop.
My husband says I can choose my reality. Sure. I choose to have flash thoughts about driving off a cliff by accident and therefore feeling in reality like I am going to throw up. I sure do love choosing to live like this. It's great. Add sarcasm here. I ask my help, what can I do. The answer is all the things I can't have. You need to sleep.... impossible, with three kids taking turns waking up from growing pains, teething, bad dreams. You need to take time for yourself..... impossible, I come last and have task upon task to do.  Do something for you- that fuels your soul..... I wish, I can't even get a minute to pee half the time. And then there is the fact that I don't feel loved or heard..... add that on to gash away at my soul.
I did get a nap today. It felt great. I appreciated it so much. But then I realized that there were loads of dishes to do now that I slept, that my kids had been back out all day in the sun and were looking a bit sick, that I needed to make dinner since they needed to eat too. Then I had pee laundry to wash and kids to bathe so I could hopefully get their tired little bums to bed early. I get help randomly but mostly I am it. I wouldn't change having my kids for a second. I love them more than life. I just want a break and when I voice that out of a desperate cry not to lose my mind, I feel scorned. I could demand what I need but by then I am too tired. By then I am angry and defeated.

A little sober.

This morning I am sober. Figuratively. I feel a little better. One step ahead is a load off of my shoulders. You would think that past things should be trivial but time doesn't heal. God heals. I don't know why I feel better. It doesn't change anything in the here and now. It almost makes the here and now worse. Almost. But it makes a bit of me better so I guess that is moving in the right direction. I feel a change coming and the month has changed. I love that. I love to turn over the calendar and wait for what's in store for the new days ahead. August is one of my favorite months. It is also the month that I lost MacCrea. August 26th. Six years it would be. That is crazy. I hope that this month it is good. And warm. In the North it is when the fall leaves begin to come. I miss the North this time of year. It is soothing.
Here, I am hoping for warmth. Our fence is almost built and I would love to get a fire pit so we can stay out late in our new yard. It is beautiful and the light post out front keeps the yard lit all night. In daylight the kids can run in their perimeter and we can just sit and enjoy the view.
These things are inspiring and make ambition return. They make me feel creative. Yesterday I wrote in my prayer journal instead of a third post. Some things you can only express to God. He won't misunderstand you because he knows your heart. And then came the scripture... Psalm 103 over and over. I am not feeling strong lately but God always reminds me that He is. Anyways, now to wait and see what's in store for the month. I do know that there is a new babe on the way in our extended family. This makes my heart happy. I have some quilting to do....