grrrrrr

I am frustrated. I am trying my hardest to love and care for my kids and I meet resistance. So what if I am over protective... if my kids don't almost drown, don't get sick on cake, don't get so tired that they crash, don't get to run wild until they need stitches. Isn't it my job to protect them. I try my hardest not to smother them but I don't say what the heck, we ate cake until we were sick when we were kids, fell down the stairs until we learned, never wore our seatbelts, and we turned out fine. And these are mild statements. I know some of the parents that wish they just watched their kids a little more. And why is it so bad to care. People get right mad at me. I am so tired of this. I can care for my kids however I choose. And if I don't, I feel like I could die. I can feel my son falling down the stairs, I can see my daughter throwing up from sunstroke.... I don't ponder this. It hits me. Until my heart feels like it will stop.
My husband says I can choose my reality. Sure. I choose to have flash thoughts about driving off a cliff by accident and therefore feeling in reality like I am going to throw up. I sure do love choosing to live like this. It's great. Add sarcasm here. I ask my help, what can I do. The answer is all the things I can't have. You need to sleep.... impossible, with three kids taking turns waking up from growing pains, teething, bad dreams. You need to take time for yourself..... impossible, I come last and have task upon task to do.  Do something for you- that fuels your soul..... I wish, I can't even get a minute to pee half the time. And then there is the fact that I don't feel loved or heard..... add that on to gash away at my soul.
I did get a nap today. It felt great. I appreciated it so much. But then I realized that there were loads of dishes to do now that I slept, that my kids had been back out all day in the sun and were looking a bit sick, that I needed to make dinner since they needed to eat too. Then I had pee laundry to wash and kids to bathe so I could hopefully get their tired little bums to bed early. I get help randomly but mostly I am it. I wouldn't change having my kids for a second. I love them more than life. I just want a break and when I voice that out of a desperate cry not to lose my mind, I feel scorned. I could demand what I need but by then I am too tired. By then I am angry and defeated.