The Besterfields, A Chistmas Poem.

I am so thankful for my niche of bests. I love them more than all the rest.
I treasure them more than their weight in gold. Will store them deep in my heart, even until I am old.
The rules for them are not the same, as any other same old name.
They root in cupboards, never knock on doors.
They love like mothers, and pray like warriors with swords.
They know the secrets that no one else knows, because their walls are tall and closed.
But not the walls around their hearts, no bricks were built up from the start.
Instead of walls, they have strong rivers. Love that flows from cheerful givers.
Giving, even though they need, and thinking not, nor taking heed.
But giving from the one that gives, who strengthens lives, who answers needs.
The one that gave his very Son, through the womb of one like them.
And so this Christmas grateful heart, concludes an unravelling thought in part.
Part for my bests who I love most, and my Father, His sent Son, and the Christmas Spirit- the Holy Ghost.

And a song (Kari Jobe, Healer.)

New Years Revelation

Tomorrow I turn thirty-one. This year has been amazing. I am excited for the year to come. This year I am going to give up my fear. Hand it over. To God.....
My anxiety. I call it "my." Like it is an entity of itself. Because it is. I couldn't analyze it away so I let it sit awhile. It sits on my shoulders. I can see it in my mind. It is a huge creature with a wingspan of an angel.... a fallen angel. It has two sets of claws, the first set into my shoulders, clinging to my neck. The second set digs into the middle of my back, between my shoulder blades- if I let this, my anxiety, take charge, it squeezes until my lungs are affected. I fight with it often, but who can fight something that is behind themselves.
Ah, there is revelation..... it is behind me. I pushed it away awhile back but it hovered until it could attack again. It is hard to fight. I need help. I have been asking for help. It is coming. Hope is coming. I am excited. This anxiety is not. It tightens on my shoulders as I write this. You might think this strange but I do not. And I am not frightened lately either. Anxiety, which is not mine, which is not of God, is losing it's grip.  I can't wait to see what God brings this year. I have an inkling. I have faith, and He will build onto it.

More Than Conquerors
Romans 8:28-39~ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

A beautiful, Beth Moore, story.

On the outside looking in.

Remember that post about "holding your step?" Well, I called a "hold your step." I had to. I think it is bad timing though....but isn't it always. A hold your step is a "please pause and think this through- you are about to see this thing come to fruition and it may not be good." Ugh. I want to say sorry because I am sure that I hurt the person's feelings but I can't. I needed to say this. It would not go away. You know those times the concern lasts for days and wakes you up at night. Where there is an urgency. I think it is a God thing. And I wrestled with minding my own business but I realized that being obedient doesn't mean that I only get to encourage in good. I mean the way seems good in this situation, but it is blinding good. The fruit is bad. Ugly. Sexualized. Excused. "Funny." It may be somewhat pretend but eventually it will become truth. I wish you could read this friend. I meant not to harm you. I meant not to discourage you. I think though that you are on the wrong side of the mirror. The parallelled darkness. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights. My God wouldn't do it this way. Your God, that same God, wouldn't do it this way. It doesn't match up with his word. And he knows you my friend. He LOVES you. He gave you this gift. He wants to give you the desires of your heart. But not this way. So I am sorry friend.... but not for speaking the truth. I measured my words over and over again. I did not say what I said to condemn, but to say, "hold your step." I really didn't want you to be angry at me. I hoped that you had an inkling and that maybe it would be your confirmation.... the nudging on your jacket to turn away. A crowd is forming and they are all going to see this fight. They are going to see how this turns out, your family and all. I am still hoping that you bow out and honor truth. In the meantime I will be here praying for you earnestly. And if you choose to stay and "see how this goes," my God.... your God, will pick you up on the other side....

And the picture.

I was thinking about the last post and as I was in the shower (the quietest place in the house) I had this picture in my mind.....
A man is floating on his back in the sea. It is a clear day and the ocean surrounds him for miles. He is alone. He is dressed in a suit and wears a life jacket. He is waiting for whoever will come to get him. He thinks he is fine. But he is not. If he just stays there, he will die, for he is not being fed.
There is another man, on the same ocean. Wide open. The clear day is turning dark. A storm is coming. He is wet, and cold, and flailing. He looks hopeless but he is not. He is shouting and searching, and hoping that if he starts swimming, he will be found or will find someone.... something.
It's a parallel of the two women: One looking safe and proper, the second looking a little weak. The second was seeking.
I hope I can remember these pictures. To not just hold to my life jacket, but to seek my rescuer.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." 

By the way. Both women now are strong. Are found. My God is merciful and he will seek you out too. You just have to say, "Here I am." ..... and then you swim towards Him with faith.

A gift. A truth. A Merry Christmas thought.

I have been in this weird world of looking back this month. I have been seeing pictures of the past in my mind. Maybe it is because of the fact that my birthday is coming, I don't know. I like the fact though that when I look back, I often see a greater picture. The essence of the picture is the same but my mind has more experience. I can see the edges of the page more clearly. The effects, the ripples, the thoughts surrounding.
In some great chats lately, I have seen truth coming out. It is strange. Not condemning, but shining a clear picture. There were two people that I saw in a certain light before- a long time ago. One was walking in perfection (or as perfect as she could be), at least I thought... One was stumbling a bit and I was not sure if she knew the way.... But now the truth, from their own mouths, paints a different picture. The first was only seeming to be good. Was walking the way but not in her heart, following the footprints of her parents. The second was finding the way through stepping out, even though she was falling, her heart after God. Why are we so stupid to this, that it is the heart that counts. The unseen. The prayers. The seeking after God. King David shows it clearly in the psalms. He had a heart after God but he was a man. In imperfection he fell, but then he saw his wrong and he sought his God.
Do we seek our God out? Do we see our wrong and hide? Or see it and think it's too late? David was an adulterer, a murderer, remember. A heart after God. His sin avalanched into death but still he sought God. He turned and searched. He praised. He knew the truth. He saw it. Do we remember that this King David was the same child who in faith threw the stone at Goliath. Do we also forget what God has done in the past and run from our pursuers? We are weak but he is strong. We are faulted but in Him we are made perfect. It is not what we, in our panicked minds, do that frees us.... that helps us. It is in seeking Him, Jesus, who came to set us free that we are truly free.

Ephesians 2:8,9 ~ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.
<3 What a gift. Hope you all have opened it. Merry Christmas. <3

Portfolio of grace.

I love truth. I hate confrontation. It scares me. I hate being misunderstood.  I do not like the concept that my words could be taken the wrong way. But I love compassion..... Grace......
I have a portfolio. It comes from my heart. Of places I've been on both sides of the picture. It is strange. It is like this; when you lack forgiveness you get to see what the person sees on the other side. When you judge you will be brought down so that you know. Or maybe it's just me. But I know. I am not a hypocrite. I speak from experience. I have lost a child, lost a man, lost a friend, lost myself. I have found a hope, saw answered prayers, and felt the hand of grace. I have experienced even more than I would share, except for with a few who need to hear it. I expect that every choice will be drawn out and completed, but that there always is a turn. That place where, in a pause, you can make a choice either way. And this for good or harm. A choice to run with destruction or freedom. A place where the things you don't clearly see, you can all of a sudden see. Then it's your free will.  You get to decipher if you will continue or step back. Or if you will run. Or if you will lay there and die. Or if you will choose to be built back up. It's your choice. It's my choice. We all wait. But eventually, we have to take a step.....

Plans for Good and not harm.

I had the thought this morn, "what's on the agenda for today God...." It felt joyful. Maybe cause I know God is doing something good. Maybe because in that thought, I let God be in control of the day and not let the day overwhelm me. Maybe it's because I slept in a bit. But something is stirring. Stay tuned..... ;)

awesome. raw. truth. a song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjkIHdVwfEk&feature=related

utterly imperfect

I am my kid's protector. I am my children's teacher. I am their soft place to land. I am their comforter. I am an example of God to them. I am not good at it. I am imperfect. I am exhausted. I have rough edges. I am impatient. God how do I do it all? How do I let them know that they are loved unconditionally? How do I have patience when I have nothing left? How do I let it all go to you. My holding on to them makes it impossible.....
GOD, you are their protector. You are their teacher. You are their soft place to land. You are their comforter. And you are mine too. I have bad days but your mercies are new every morning. I am gonna need that. Thank you for grace. Thank you for your example..... teach me all these things and more. Mahal na mahal.

God of Justice.

When I left my home up North, I thought it was for my husband. I thought it was for my family. God doesn't let anything go to waste. He uses it all. For good.
I didn't want to be here. I came here a few times over the years only to leave again. I hated it here. I thought it was awful. It felt awful. It was awful.
My church had fallen apart at the same time my heart had begun to fall apart. Once strong I felt like I was torn. I made an ultimatum.... I will not do this again.
I ran. I ran to good but my heart was torn. I walked in the way I was meant, but my heart was still torn. I let the ultimatum in my heart, slide into a spoken ultimatum. I would not let God heal. I wanted him to make me a deal to protect me from what first punctured my soul. The deal fell through..... because I made it. An ultimatum. To limit God. To limit healing.
So, when we came here, my family and I. I felt it was for all of them. I would suck it up for them. But God doesn't waste. He brought me here too.
Immediately I was face to face with all the pain I had gone through. I could see it all. I could feel it all. I felt like throwing up.
A few years before we moved, I had looked at myself and found that I couldn't recognize "me" anymore. I had been talking with some young men at the door and heard them speaking lies about my God. I wanted to show them the truth. I couldn't. I had forgotten where to find what I was looking for. I had held to God but stopped growing. Stopped seeking. Walked in death a little while to cover the pain.
I had tried a few times to pull myself out. I went to one church in an attempt to connect, and the lady beside me said there was no room- her husband was sitting there. I felt like there was no room in the whole church for me. I went to a different gathering and felt alone. Even the people I knew would not speak to me. I felt unworthy. I even left town for awhile to escape, but even there I felt like the opposite of myself. At the bottom.
When my son was born, I wished it not on him to suffer for my pain. I wanted him to know my God. I found a place in willingness, where there were Christians willing to show their scars. People who wanted to seek after God, regardless of their struggle. I am so thankful for that place.
After this, I had lost my third child (a second loss) and I did not feel heard by God. I did not feel trusted. I knew that he would hear the prayers of other so I left it to them to surround me. And not that I didn't pray, I always pray, but I felt disconnected. God heard my cries and I had Gemma.
And then in that place we prayed for change. Change for my husband's job. Change for my family's situation. And a few months later it changed.
I had just finished saying that we were caught up on bills and in a safe place. It was going to be okay. From that moment our world began to unfold. I think that God was pulling back the layers so that we could move. My husband, who worked on-call, wasn't called. A few months and he was layed-off. We took the chance to move closer to family. Our house sold in a week and a half. And within the month we had moved.
I didn't want to come here. It was a detour.
God, began to change things. I began to see things differently. It was painful. It felt long. In the beginning I wanted to die. When I gave up, God began to move.... to really move. He showed me my unforgiveness. For a man, for  a church, for myself. I thought I had forgiven. I had just moved. I had just counted it all for something God could use for his good but let it sit, even a little, in the depths of my heart.
When I gave in. When I really forgave. God showed me his mercy. God showed me that he knows my walls. He showed me that he is changing things. That I am not forgotten. That it is not too late. That there are worse places than pain. Places where we don't know Him.
He showed me a place where I get to add onto things for my kids. Where I get to minister. Where I am an adult and I get to have words for my kids and for the people I am encouraged with. A place where I am not ashamed because he brought me out.
I don't have to count where I was scorned, burned, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and didn't have a say. I get to have a say. I don't forget where I came from. I don't want to become healed and proud. I want to be healed and humble. I want to make a safe. A place where we can seek, regardless of where we came from or even where we are at. A place where we are all forgiven. A place where we can all teach our children truth but don't hide from pain. A place where we are forgiven. Truly forgiven.

Psalm 34:22~ The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Three times.

I do not write because I think I am the queen. I write to work things out. It seems as when I write, my thoughts can be clear and I can find the truth that I am looking for....
And when I say, "we" it is not because I am preaching to an audience it is because I am struggling with a friend or venting. We are all struggling. I can feel the pain and it is overwhelming me.
Right now I am tortured by thoughts all day long. I want to step in and help my dear friend. But I cannot show her- she has to see herself. I have a page of thoughts that I have been writing out, just to release these thoughts from my mind, but it is not helping. I feel like she is on the ledge but I can't get to her to hold her in. Her back is to her safe place and she is ready to jump. She thinks she can fly. Someone told her she can fly. But she will fall.
I fell once. It was a long walk back up the mountain.....

GOD of MERCY

But where there is counterfeit, there has been truth. There all along but waiting for you to seek.

Psalm 34~
I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against all who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Hear that: NO ONE WILL BE CONDEMNED WHO TAKES REFUGE IN HIM.

The word of the month is counterfeit. (To go with the next post; God of Mercy...)

Counterfeit.
We forget Satan is beautiful. We forget he was an immaculate angel. He isn't ugly.
And so are not his evils. (In appearance.)
They are parallel of truths. Twisted. Rearranged. From the dark but appearing light. Seeming to heal. Seeming to help. But they turn, like a deceptive friend. They overwhelm and overtake. They steal our husbands. Lie to our children. Oppose our best friends. Separate us from our families. We feel amazing and free. Behind us and around us are tidal waves of destruction. We can't see because our eyes are still fixed on the beauty of the unfolding parallel. When it unfolds it is too late to change things. When the petals bloom and the insides are all black, we can finally see. Only then are we shocked back into reality. We can finally look around. We can see the destruction. We can feel the darkness, but what can we do? It is too late, the twisted beauty has speared us. And then it scorns us. Shows itself. Tears us down some more. We cannot believe how we were deceived, but it is too late. Life is broken.
Counterfeit.

James 1:14-18 ~ but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we may be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

The ugly and the beautiful.

There is a place of ugly. It comes and steals our joy. It taints our reality until we see ourselves in a different light. We look at our friends faces and see lies reflected. Lies that they don't want us, don't like us. So we hide. But they aren't seeing us. They are seeing this ugliness. A place that stems from hurt. A hurt that when we hide it, it mutates into a mask of seething, and words of hatred. We hate the ugly and what it did to us. We have to blame someone, something.  We need to escape.
But the ugly is only a deception. If we let go of the hurt. If we throw it as far as we can. If we combat it with forgiveness. If we choose not to believe the lies, but search for the truth. If we let God show us that our chosen captor is just as flawed as we are. If we choose to step out of it until one day, we see a glimmer of beautiful again. We see it reflecting from our friends. It radiates their beauty too. It grows from behind their eyes. They no longer see the ugly. They can only see you.... and the one who covers you with joy.

The grump.

I am in a mood. I feel like a crank. I'm grumpy. The kind of mood that makes a person feel like starting a fight. A grumpiness that makes someone not want to worry about anyone else's feelings. It is strange. I don't know fully where it is coming from. Something hit a nerve. Or bruised me. Something rubbed on an old bruise.... and it hurt. A friend that I went to college with used to rub our actual bruises- we hated it, it felt wrong, but she said it caused the blood to come to the surface and heal it faster. Maybe that is why we want to start a fight. We want to draw out the pain. Bring it to the surface. We want it to be gone.
I saw something out of place the other day. It bothered me. I summed it up to myself as "you are not the queen and don't need to know everything." But now it is closer. It brushed my arm. It hit a different nerve than the original instance. It is now bothering me more. One for selfish reasons. One for truth I think. The latter is not my business though. Maybe that is the part where I want to rub in the truth for my own purpose. But this is not really my heart. I want to encourage. I do not really want to start a fight.
And I am not perfect. I don't want someone egging on me about things that I already know, and am working on. I want words that are uplifting. An encouraging word will help keep me taking steps in the right direction. This rings true the other way as well. I hope that in wisdom, someone who loves me would be able to say, "Hold your step." Maybe that should be a code phrase...... "Hold your step, friend." Take a look at who you are stepping with, who you are taking along, and where you are going. Permissible? Beneficial? Uplifting or dragging someone down. And if you are going to rub a bruise, do it for healing, not just to start a fight.

My soul yearns for you. (A mini sermon.)

I am tired of all this positive thinking talk. Where does it come from. My scriptures say to think about things pure, lovely, admirable, true. (Philippians 4: 8.) True. Good. Not to pretend all things are great. Yes God can turn around things for good (Jeremiah 29:11.), for us, but last time I checked I saw David crying out to God. I am not about sweeping things under the rug and putting on a smile. That doesn't fix anything. Isn't it humanistic thinking to say that we can will things to be all lovely.
I see the truth of clinging to God. Crying out to him. Saying, "my life is crumbling God! Turn it. Fix it. Change me." I hate when people say.... "well, at least...." Does God say to us, "someone is far worse off then you my child." I can't really see that. I think we should be aware of huge things like poverty and the state of our wellness/wealth, but for the sake of example, would God have said to me, "I know you had a horrible, tragic, miscarriage, but at least you didn't have a baby die like your cousin." No! How unloving would that be. God meets us where we are at. He knows all of our walls. (Isaiah 49:16.)He knows all of our needs. He says to us, there is a time to mourn, so mourn. (Ecclesiastes 3:4.) And He will hold you, and calm the storm around you until you can step out into the waters of faith.
And then there will come praising. Then you will be truly in a positive state of mind. A state called joy.... thinking on the great things God has done in you or through you, but not because of you, because of Him.
~ Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21.

It is new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.

My soul is wooed this morn. That is what it feels like. My body hurts, my mind is tired, but my soul feels love. From my GOD. I am weary and grasping for some change. I can't do it within my own will. God has moved into first place where he should always be. I accidentally put my kids first for awhile. I grew up with two loves; a hope for a family/a husband and children, and my God. Because of the way everything does not go according to our plans, my focus was on the first. I was stuck in fixing it. I am stuck in fixing it. I need to be stuck on letting that fall away and walking in God.
And I think I will never be truly happy until I am living in his calling for me. I used to be in a place where I had no want for a home or any things. I just wanted enough to get by, enough that I could pack up and go at a moments notice. I wanted and was serving God in missions. There was unresolved pain in my life though. Unforgiveness. Misunderstanding. Then my kids came and I longed for security- seeing it only in a closed in home with enough money. Where did that thinking come from but through fear? I see my friends who are living with their four kids in a place less than secure, and they are serving. They are living for their souls, not their bodies. I long for that again. And I already know that feeling of being encompassed and surrounded by God's spirit as you walk in his purpose.
Now I feel stuck a bit. Maybe a lot. My house is divided. But God knows His plans for me. Plans for good and not harm. To give me (and my family) a future and a hope....
GOD, bring my whole family out of ourselves. Build us into a whole family secure in you. Mahal na mahal.

To paint a picture of untruth.

I am planning this night for my kids, I don't know where I conceived it but it is going to be fun! First I am going to rent some "R" rated movies. I think it will be great fun, the scare. Ghosts, witches, vampires. Nothing is too scary. Then I think we'll watch a crime show. Something as real as it gets- a murder mystery maybe. I hope that there is something with lots of blood and gore. Maybe a knife sticking out of someone's head. Come on, it's fun- no one is too young to come. My kids are five, three, and one:)
And then I want them to indulge so I am going to get them some treats. Candy, candy, candy. I hope they eat so much that they feel sick! It will bring great memories. I don't care where we find it either. Stranger, smanger I say. If someone has something to give you, take it. Am I right? Free candy is even better.
I better give this night a name. I better make it special. I don't want people to think I am a bad parent. When my kids act out. When they look terrified. When they look at me in wonder at why I would do a thing so out of character. It is all in fun, really. Harmless.
What do you think I should call it? And do you want to come? Everyone else is.....
 

in remembrance

Looking back. It's been a year. A friend went home. All is settling now. (As much as I can see.)
I was looking back this morning. Much has changed. So much. God used this friend's life and death to point straight to him. I remember the last time I saw her, her eyes were dark and she looked so tired. If I only knew then what I know now, but I didn't. We didn't. But that is the only time that I remember dark eyes. Her eyes were usually shining. Her life pointed to Christ. I remember watching her in church and sometimes she was the only one, hands straight up, telling all, declaring that she knew her savior.
One day I will tell her, and I am sure she already knows, how God used her to awaken my reality. To show me how great a mother she was.... how great a mother I am. God answered the question that I had two days earlier....what if I got to the point that I thought my kids were better off without me and my messed up self. I saw clearly the lies. I saw clearly what would happen. I am so grateful. I know this was just a small wave flowing out from this tragedy and rocking my heart. It is not about me but I want to share how satan doesn't win in this.
That day and the days that followed I never heard one word of evil. I heard stories of how she touched people's lives time and again, and how God shone through her. And I saw a family grip tighter to God himself. I know she is dancing with Him and her arms aren't stretched up anymore, now they can just stretch out and embrace her savior.

And now I pray for that same blanketing that I did a year ago, to cover two girls who still have to grow. Two girls without a mother. GOD, I pray that they would always know you. I pray they would hold on to you with all of themselves and grow into confident and wise women. Protect them from lies. Encompass them with your truths. Amen.

Love is patient, love is kind.

The theme of this, my thirtieth year, is balance. At the moment I am struggling with the balance of my mouth. I want to share but in growing up shy and holding it all in, I am forcing out more than I want to. I used to sit back and now I know that if you do not give of yourself, you will not be given back to. I however, do not want to be overbearing and over sharing. Rhyme not intended. Haha.
My heart is to really know people and care about them. I want to understand why someone is who they are and have compassion.
And I want to get back to patience. I find myself sounding angry. I am not meaning to be; it is a cover. I am angry often but not because I want to be.... because I can only come out of myself by pushing. By demanding. I want to stand up, but I want to exude confident gentleness.
Ugh. I am exhausted from processing how this will come about. I only know I can't find patience on my own. I can only hope in the one who works things out..... and hope people will bear with me until then.

Thorn in my side.

The more that I live in the world, the more I want out of it. I am shifting my mind on my biblical motto: suffering, perseverance, character, hope. I can only do this. God will not take us out but he will walk us through. And I pray that I can change continually towards being an unconditionally merciful and loving person ,so that my kids will be encouraged in faith and confident in themselves. It's about all I can do. Pray and step one foot at a time..... coffee in hand;)

Darkness vs light.

There is a place of dark that is so soothing. It fixes immediately. It then quickly dies and turns to despair. It grows in an effort to remain sustainable but it only leads to death.
There is a place of light, it is so soothing. It fixes immediately. It radiates in your soul, resonating peace. It grows and bears fruit.
You know the touch of the light, but some seasons the darkness lingers. The dawn doesn't break. It casts a shadow on the light, calling you to sleep. You almost give in. It is easier than having to fight it.
But, if you wait on the light your strength will be renewed.
  

The truth will set you free.

I am overwhelmed with good anxiety. I mean, the anxiety is still not good, but it is coming from things that are inspiring. Summer I hate sometimes. Like I have said, it brings disconnect. I am waiting for the peace to return as programs and schedule return.
Last week at the return of our mom's group, we began spiritual scrapbooking. It is forcing me to look internally. To look at decisions and where God has had his hand in my life. I love it.
Yesterday was a day of celebration at our church as the pastor and congregation shared in commemorating the day that the baptist and pentecostal churches in our town, joined as one. It has been a work of God. For years churches fell apart as the people wandered from denomination to denomination. I was drawn back into this town, and this church, not coincidentally, but to feast on the fruit of forgiveness and unity. And it was definitely against my will. God had plans.
Tonight I start a study of Daniel. It is another Beth Moore study and I am super excited to see what God brings in my life because of it. The last study, Esther, had a great impact around here.
All of these things bring encouragement, hope, and a remembrance of where God has brought us/me and that he has begun something that he will finish. Summer has been a losing fight it feels, but now I am drawn into my hiding place. My God. My truth.

running in flip-flops

I am a little excited today. Life has been a little bit of chaos. Tomorrow our family starts the next stage of life; Aidy is in full days of kindergarten. He is so ready. I have already been teaching him to read and he is doing great. He needs to go go go all day and I think that this transition will give me more patience and him more calmness. And, it will give me time to encourage Gemma and read to her.
I took the kids for a walk today and went for a run with Aiden. I can't wait to have time to do more of this. I NEED to get out of the house and we were walking when Aiden was in preschool. It helps. Summer has been too busy somehow.
This is my favorite time of year and I am a bit inspired....

I love you to the sky.

It's little Mac's day. Happy day babe. <3

a dream, a glimpse, a pirate party

Sometimes I get scared that I won't be able to pull myself out. Sometimes it isn't a matter of climbing out, rather holding on. This too shall pass. I love when God stirs my soul and even though I don't know how a change is coming, I can feel it coming. It is so hard when you are in the middle of it all, to see the path turning. I often find myself getting a little excited when I see a friend that has been struggling and is now at a desperately hard turn. I know that this usually means that something is going to finally change and it will be good because God answers prayer. Those who seek him out will find him. It is hard to remember this when you are the one distressed. It is hard to seek when you are exhausted and battling at every turn.
I know I am probably repeating myself but I have to say all this and that I love fall. It is my favorite season. It always brings good change and stability. I love sweaters and jeans, and warm blankets. I love being surrounded by bests. I love the programs that entertain and bring fellowship for both myself and my children. I am start to feel ambition returning and maybe, just maybe, some rest.
I have been feeling lately that I am out of place. I have been watching the people around me and feeling disconnected. I know I was hiding out this summer, too exhausted to give anything. I am remembering that if I am feeling this way about most everything, then it is time to start reaching out of myself. A giving, encouraging, and friendly spirit always brings more happiness. When I start to call, to say hi, to remember needs, and to push past my depression, I start to feel better. Unforgiveness and bitterness feed depression and anxiety. I long for the way things used to be but they aren't. I can choose to be sad or I can grow relationships into something new. I can be the encourager, the peacemaker.
Oh GOD, let the fruits of your spirit come. More and more.  

remember to cry

God hears your cry. He does. So speak it.
Last night in my prayer journal, I spoke it. "God, ....... I am unbalanced again & on the wrong side. I would rather be unbalanced, leaning into you...." I am not going to tell you my whole prayer but God answered it immediately and confirmed it in the morning. First with the verse, Romans 8:13 ~ For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. I feel that. Then in the morning a sermon was spoke straight from God's heart, through a man's lips. That sermon was for me. I'm sure others too, but for me. Even personalized. With the verses God gave me when we moved to this town..... I know the plans I have for you....and with verses about fear, which I succumb to so easily.
Today was encouraging. I feel humbled by God's presence and reminded that greater is He that is in me, even though I feel brought down by some who don't know him. But then there are those surrounding me that know God, and I need that fellowship. I can't wait for the fall. It is a time of renewing. A time where it gets cold and we all get close again and remember where our focus is.
I need to remember to love out loud, and to cry out loud.

grrrrrr

I am frustrated. I am trying my hardest to love and care for my kids and I meet resistance. So what if I am over protective... if my kids don't almost drown, don't get sick on cake, don't get so tired that they crash, don't get to run wild until they need stitches. Isn't it my job to protect them. I try my hardest not to smother them but I don't say what the heck, we ate cake until we were sick when we were kids, fell down the stairs until we learned, never wore our seatbelts, and we turned out fine. And these are mild statements. I know some of the parents that wish they just watched their kids a little more. And why is it so bad to care. People get right mad at me. I am so tired of this. I can care for my kids however I choose. And if I don't, I feel like I could die. I can feel my son falling down the stairs, I can see my daughter throwing up from sunstroke.... I don't ponder this. It hits me. Until my heart feels like it will stop.
My husband says I can choose my reality. Sure. I choose to have flash thoughts about driving off a cliff by accident and therefore feeling in reality like I am going to throw up. I sure do love choosing to live like this. It's great. Add sarcasm here. I ask my help, what can I do. The answer is all the things I can't have. You need to sleep.... impossible, with three kids taking turns waking up from growing pains, teething, bad dreams. You need to take time for yourself..... impossible, I come last and have task upon task to do.  Do something for you- that fuels your soul..... I wish, I can't even get a minute to pee half the time. And then there is the fact that I don't feel loved or heard..... add that on to gash away at my soul.
I did get a nap today. It felt great. I appreciated it so much. But then I realized that there were loads of dishes to do now that I slept, that my kids had been back out all day in the sun and were looking a bit sick, that I needed to make dinner since they needed to eat too. Then I had pee laundry to wash and kids to bathe so I could hopefully get their tired little bums to bed early. I get help randomly but mostly I am it. I wouldn't change having my kids for a second. I love them more than life. I just want a break and when I voice that out of a desperate cry not to lose my mind, I feel scorned. I could demand what I need but by then I am too tired. By then I am angry and defeated.

A little sober.

This morning I am sober. Figuratively. I feel a little better. One step ahead is a load off of my shoulders. You would think that past things should be trivial but time doesn't heal. God heals. I don't know why I feel better. It doesn't change anything in the here and now. It almost makes the here and now worse. Almost. But it makes a bit of me better so I guess that is moving in the right direction. I feel a change coming and the month has changed. I love that. I love to turn over the calendar and wait for what's in store for the new days ahead. August is one of my favorite months. It is also the month that I lost MacCrea. August 26th. Six years it would be. That is crazy. I hope that this month it is good. And warm. In the North it is when the fall leaves begin to come. I miss the North this time of year. It is soothing.
Here, I am hoping for warmth. Our fence is almost built and I would love to get a fire pit so we can stay out late in our new yard. It is beautiful and the light post out front keeps the yard lit all night. In daylight the kids can run in their perimeter and we can just sit and enjoy the view.
These things are inspiring and make ambition return. They make me feel creative. Yesterday I wrote in my prayer journal instead of a third post. Some things you can only express to God. He won't misunderstand you because he knows your heart. And then came the scripture... Psalm 103 over and over. I am not feeling strong lately but God always reminds me that He is. Anyways, now to wait and see what's in store for the month. I do know that there is a new babe on the way in our extended family. This makes my heart happy. I have some quilting to do....

Bittersweet.

My friend's are my cloud of witnesses. Surrounding me on this weird day. An unspoken protection. Maybe even subconsciously. I love this. I didn't realize it right away. I see it now. I love my friends.
And today was definitely a strange one of sorts. Not over yet but in a moment I think today has been a change. I felt it. I think I might have contributed to this. I sent a small message. Just a random thought of correction. It had huge meaning. It feels nice. It is like the part where you say, "I'm sorry and I love you," and then you breathe tears and then you hug.  Now I am really putting myself out there for those of you who know what I am talking about. And I am not meaning to be inappropriate at all. I will cling to reality in these thoughts.
Have you ever seen that show, There's Something About Earl? Where he goes to the people he has wronged in the past and tries to fix it all. He can't, and it goes all wrong. But in the end there is a change and it is better. It is like that.

Holy mess.

I can't even begin to sort through the waves of emotion crashing over me. I am such a mess. I long to grab hold of the tide that will pull me out, away from the rocks. I might just fall head-on, over the rocks and be drug under water. Why is it so hard for me to make the decisions I want to make, if only in my heart.
I wonder if I had fixed up these feelings a long time ago, then maybe I wouldn't be in a raging storm. But I know that probably isn't true. It doesn't matter. I have a love/hate relationship with trials. I love them for learning me to be better. I hate them for the wicked scars that remind me.
At this point I am standing at the edge. This is an extremely dangerous place. It looks pretty in spots, but the rocks are just below the surface. Their powerful jagged edges saying, "this is no place to jump in...." They echo their words as a warning. I stand at the edge for hours. For days. Contemplating consequence. Contemplating how I care either way. I long to care. Then I am tired and long not to care.
This is where the weather turns. It has to. I want to force it away but it has to run it's course as with times before. And the truth is that it will change. For the better. The tide will rise above the rocks, if I can just hold on until then. If I can just learn to be still and wait on the tide.

Tortured reality.

I am a tortured dreamer. I wait for them. I want to go back into them and finish the dream. I don't think that this is unusual. To want to make the dream work.
I treasure my friends. I hold a place for anyone that has been close to me. I don't like to let go.
I think that is where the tortured dreams come in.
I often dream that someone is coming back. Turning time. But then the tortured part. I have moved on. I am torn. I want to make it work. I want to fix the torture.... but I have to let it go.
The waking up part sucks. It messes with my reality. I miss whoever I have been dreaming about but they aren't around and couldn't be. Won't be. And if they were, my reality would be just like my dreams.... I would have to let go, move on.
I have moved on... but when they come back in my dreams, it reminds me of what is gone, or lost, or missed.
I don't mind changing the relationship. The way we interact. The time we spend. I just don't like disconnect. So, if you are my friend. You are always welcome, you are always loved. And if you feel like this is strange because you haven't seen me in forever.... I have met you in my dreams many times.
One day my friend, one day.

Creative cold.

It feels like autumn today. It is only July. It makes me want to put on a warm sweater and quilt. I love the fall. I just would love some summer sun to store up for the long winter. And my kids are restless. There is nothing going on. No programs. No school. And I can't really quilt. Life is too busy. In fact I can't even leave the room without someone fighting, crying, screaming, sneaking something they aren't supposed to, making a huge mess. I haven't had a break for a loooong time. I don't even want one. I am too tired. I can't wait until our fence is built so I can let the kids run and just sit. Sit and stare and relax and soak up some vitamin D. Would a weeks worth of good sleep, some vitamin D, and a getaway (even for a few hours) help at this point? Then maybe my body would match my ambition and I could quilt.

standing alone.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. Really happy. I see glimpses of it. I might even know how to get there. It can't be recreated. It just happens. From happy things. Even my happy things are tainted. And I just want to cry. If I can just cry then maybe I can be happy again. This is the feeling that has come. I don't like feeling stuck. I don't like feeling in a cloud. A protective cloud of nothingness. I don't know when I started being angry. I hate being angry. I have forgiven the angry stuff but I can't go back and fix those places. They have left scars. Unhappy ones. Sometimes I think about going back in my mind. Scenarios's that just make it worse. I can't go back. I am stuck in forward. With scars. With decisions that drag me down. I can't rise above because my path is twisted and I can't be stronger... maybe as strong as I was, because my leg is broken. Or my heart. That's it. My heart is broken. In many pieces. And I lost those pieces. I miss those times. Those people. Those places. But I am changed. Maybe for the better. But not stronger. And now I am unknown. I have to start all over. I have to be me. I want to be her again for awhile. Or her. Me hurts. I am alone. Except for Jesus.   

Antisocial.

My heart is on pause.
I don't want to pursue friendships right now. I am waiting for my new home. I have so much on my mind. Between that and the beautiful sun staying out late, I am avoiding early bedtime. I am tired. I am disappointed in relationships too. So I am avoiding. I am avoiding functions... avoiding doctor's appointments...avoiding. I just want to stay home and rest. I wish the kids would let me rest. They are social creatures as well. I am having too many anxiety attacks. They feel beyond anxiety. Sometimes I wait for my heart to stop beating. It feels like it might. Sometimes it is good. I feel like it is such an easy fix. Some good times. Some big hugs. But those times and hugs aren't coming. I wish I could make some understand what tears a person down and what builds them up. Look at yourself. What does it for you? I just need some kindness, thoughtfulness, unselfishness.... I don't want to feel devastated from things going on around me. I feel like I might yell at someone out of disbelief of how they are acting. Maybe I am just down. Overloaded of life. I am not sure. I will just stay home.

Like this....... (Gateway Worship - Revelation Song - Kari Jobe)

Wrecked of this world, bound for glory.

In my car, in my house, I worship big. Arms out, dancing, singing loud. My kids do too. In church I recluse like most others. I worship inwardly. It is reminiscent to the relationship that I have with my husband. The intimacy at home is shared between me and God. I can be real. Be trusting. Be content and joyful. When we go home (to Heaven) I am sure that all fear, shame, hurt will be stripped of us and we will (and will be able to) worship as a whole. Unburdened.

In twelve days.

Imagine a day with big dark blue rain clouds mixed in with warm sky. Over a lake. Golden fall leaves surrounding still on the trees. I can feel it. It is warm but comfy sweater warm. It is my home. Or at least it will be. I have a palette on my mind. We bought our farmhouse. A little home on an acre. It is so peaceful out there. It all came together last minute. But it all came together.
It has a little work to be done but it is ours. We can take our time. I am trying to ease into it. To not worry. To not let my mind wander over the things that could disturb my peace. I can't wait to settle in.
There is a wall to be built. Maybe a fence too. A deck repair. A deck with a view. Then paint. Lots of paint. With colors like farmhouse white and antique tin.
But I have to try and stay in a state of calm. Where change used to inspire it now sometimes does not. I am hopeful and excited. A place to feel settled. A place to be peaceful. A place to breathe the fresh air.  

A note.

So many things are going on. Keiran's moved to a big boy bed, Gemma is potty training, we bought a new home, and it is almost the day that I said goodbye to Ariel (June 1st, 2007). I am worn out and excited. I have things in the back of my mind coming up randomly. I think I am still doing better, but I don't want to stop and think about it for fear that I might stop walking on the water and start sinking....

Faith is a verb.

It occurred to me in my quiet time the other day that faith was a choice. This really hit me. I had decided to choose faith even though I wasn't feeling it. Faith is not a feeling.

Faith

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For other uses, see Faith (disambiguation).

Mino da Fiesole, Faith.

Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept or thing, or a belief that is not based on proof.^[1][2] Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true,^[3] belief in and assent to the truth of what is declared by another, based on his or her supposed authority and truthfulness.

The persuasion of the mind that something is true.... or in other words... I choose to believe.

the plans I have for you

We have bought a house....well, subject to financing and inspection. We don't have alot of funds so it is nerve racking waiting for the decision/options from the bank. It is hard to trust that it will all work out. I know that if it doesn't work out, then there is a reason. I want to be able to trust God completely. I think I am more worried about disappointment than not getting the house. It is a property and we are dreaming up big plans for it already. However, we are fine where we are. We would just like to own our own house again. I never knew that I would feel so strongly about a family home as I do now. Our first home, which we bought before our son was born, was so charming and cozy. I miss that home. This home feels the same...charming. When we went to see it the kids were running and playing like it was their yard already and my husband was smiling ear to ear. I struggle to let go. To kick out that inkling of doubt. The rest of me feels like it is all we hoped for... and it is falling into place. I need to do some soul settling today....

the walk

When my kids are misbehaving and straight out disobedient, I discipline them, I spur them on to correct their behavior, and then I move on. I do not disown them and tell them that they are no longer my children until they prove that they are perfect little angels again. This sounds like a ridiculous thought but really is that not how we sometimes feel about God.  Being a parent brings great revelation on how God's heart is for us when he calls us children. From birth (of my kids), I feel as though I am aware that all God wants from us is our hearts, because we have his. He just wants to be with us, have relationship with us. He wants to encourage the great parts of our personalities and dissuade us from becoming rotten or hurt. He wants us to make good plans and when we can't see that what we are doing isn't adding up, he will step in, but only if we let him. He doesn't want us to be little robots of him. He gave us freedom of choice. He wants us to grow in character and to know him. I am glad for these truths. We are his. He chose us. We choose him back. He who started a work will be faithful to complete it in us. And that doesn`t mean starting over... it means continuing on.

Sleep.

I hate this traumatic stress anxiety disorder. It puts goggles over my eyes. It makes everything a weapon. It blurs my thinking. I just want to go to bed until it's over. My kids were sick too long and now I am tired and can't catch up. I was doing so well. It is so sad.
I used to like change, liked to travel, liked to go on road trips, liked to call up my friends, liked to look at houses. Now I see weapons everywhere... the stairs, the road, the tile floor, the railing, the sharp or small toy. I just want to play with my kids outside in the yard but I am on guard at all times. The stairs only have one hand rail and they are high. A cement retaining wall over the side and cement steps at the bottom. A big dog running up and down, not regarding the small kids. I just stare at it trying to make peace. Would I be like this if I hadn't lost a child, two children.
I am indecisive and forgetful. I don't know why there isn't enough money set aside in the bank account that I checked in the morning and it is because I bought something at the gas station two hours earlier. I walk up and down the hallway because I finished a chore not meant to be done and remembered the reason that I went down in the first place. I freak myself out when I make popcorn because it takes a minute or two to start popping and by then I have forgotten that I put it in the microwave. (This is slightly amusing)
I try to do the things that can help... that do help. The weather makes it hard to get out with toddlers. Teething, sickness, growing pains, wake up my kids in the night. I think of the things that make it hard to let go and I just want to stay home. My kids want out so they run wild. I get more exhausted. I become a not fun mom. I get sarcastic to people because I really just want to cry. I think I might sound rude. I am not a rude person.
I don't even want a break anymore. I just want to sleep in for a week. And nap in the afternoon.
I was contented. I was even happy. Now I am low. I still think that I am dealing better but I can't catch a break. Would I really feel better with more sleep? Probably.
This problem takes away my identity. I am no longer who I want to be. I am only surviving. I do stupid things. Think stupid thoughts. I stay up later trying to get a break and come to terms with my thoughts when all I need is sleep. I need to go to bed early tonight. All week. I will feel better in the morn........

The ideal life.

I have ideas of what is an ideal life. An ideal house, an ideal place to live. It irritates no one more than it does me. It's like a dream that you can never catch. If only.... if only..... if only.... Ugh. All I want is a yard with a deck that my toddler age children can walk right out into, and play in the sun. Why is there always something that makes life just a little difficult.
Another ideal would be to have a spouse that sees things the way that you do. I am glad that I do not for the sake of worrying too much on my part, but it would be great to have a spouse that has the same faith beliefs. It is upsetting the balancing of my life. I want to soar above the issues and be encouraged and I seem to be dragged back to reality constantly. It is hard to live in a state of praise when the one you share everything with, cannot understand what that even means. It feels like a battle of souls. I am losing this one most days lately, at least to my standard. I am too tired. Physically it is all fine and dandy to leave things alone. Spiritually it is exhausting. And why would I let it go. If the one I love doesn't know something that I think is the most important thing in all of life, wouldn't I be unloving if I didn't want him to share in that. Not only this, but it is ultimately difficult when you add kids into the mix. I am trying to spur my kids on to live in faith. I can't do this alone. Everyone makes their own choices. In marriage the choices are unified.... or divided.
I know my husband was for me. I asked for him in characteristic and even appearance when I prayed for a man. I love him to no end. I hope that this faith issue resolves itself though. I am torn and therefore stuck. Stuck because I love and torn because it is not my decision to make.
So, here are the prayers of my heart. For a home that is comfortable in all areas. For an understanding of my faith in the one I love.

One of these things.

One of these things, these major decisions, is about babes. I think I am ready to be done having any more kids. I am fine with having Aiden, Gemma, and Keiran. I don't think of them as numbers so three is fine. I think of them as my independent strong boy, my beautiful, quiet, poised girl, and my soft hearted, fun baby boy.
If I could just have one more and sit back and gaze on my gorgeous treasures, I might have more. I am too tired, too impatient from being too tired, and my body has been pushed to the limit. There is sickness all winter and Aiden is starting kindergarten in September. I will be onto the next step.
I have mixed feelings about leaving the baby stage but it will bring relief, and camping trips, and other family fun.
And I don't think of myself as a mother of three. I have five babes. I feel five babes. I see five babes. I am so thankful for the dreams that God gave me of my lost babes. I can see their faces in my mind's eye, although sometimes it gets a bit blurry.... of a little spiky haired, blue-eyed boy and a dark, curly haired, big brown eyed girl.............

at this point

I feel like I look fake, but I am not. I am just flailing a little. I feel like I sound like I have an attitude, but I don't. I am just sad in the far corner of somewhere and that comes out angry. I am at the next point. Not a big deep jump. I woke up somewhere with people all around me and wondered, how did I get here.
I was looking at things that should feel horrible...and they didn't. They finally feel horrible. Some bad choices. Some real coping. I am glad that my mind is matching my emotions. Reality sucks a little though. How did I get here.....
I am ready for the next. I am unsettled with big decisions. Some that I have no control over...some are all too heavy on my shoulders. When this passes, it will all be relief. I am ready for it though...if I could just get up. I need a little boost here.

The dance.

I am in limbo. I have that waiting feeling. It is spring but it keeps snow storming. I don't really like this feeling. It makes me low. It makes me have old familiar torturous dreams. It makes me long for more in life. It makes me feel stuck for the moment. At least I know that when this feeling passes, change comes....and it is always good.

Sickness in me.

I can't handle this anymore. It needs to be spring...no summer. It needs to be relief and happiness that stays. I can't handle watching my Gemma sick still or again. I don't even know. She just wants to sit and watch cartoons. Still drinking a little....eating a handful, barely. She just wants to sit. Randomly she will start to eat again and then has enough energy to play for a bit. Then back to sitting. She has that pale look that I hate. I can't stand it. I can feel her tummy bubbling. Is she even sick now. Her tummy is just messed up from being too sick I think. A morning of hope and back to the sit and suck her thumb. This morning not even hope yet. If it was just a week it would be better. She has been sick for a week and better for a few days, then sick again, for over a month. I have been having to overcome everyday. God has been faithful in every part of this. Now God, where is the end. I want to see her pink cheeks...her little legs running, and her little hands playing. God, heal her completely and bring blessing. I praise you because you are faithful God. I am sad and angered at this sickness though. Come.

little wisdoms

I had coffee with an older friend this week. I have enjoyed hanging with olders since I was young. I like to soak in the wisdom of someone who has been through it already. I enjoy the quietness of the soul that knows that God is faithful in whole. I know it but I think just in part. God is wholly faithful but I am party scared to death still.
I turned thirty with excitement for getting older and wiser. I am finding it brings some new issues. I am more aware of my health. My body is aching from having five pregnancies in four years. (I have pelvic floor relapse, a diastisis, and a umbilical hernia). I am more sensitive to medicines and foods. I am more aware of people around me getting sick. 
I wish sometimes that I had taken the time to enjoy my kids and not rushed for the next one. I think I wanted to build up my family quickly in fear that I didn't know how many children I would lose or gain. Another affect of my miscarriages. It took so long to wait until four months, three months.....to get past the safe zone of pregnancy and then find out I had to start all over again. And even then, what if I lost a child. But my God is faithful and he is not punishing me for anything. I have three healthy children, besides the minor issue, and God is rebuilding my faith. I had been sideswiped by tragedy. God was still there. I don't think I even am afraid of death but of pain. I want to guard all things. I want to protect. Sometimes we have to bear pain....and sometimes our children have to bear pain. It will build character.
I will be glad when I look back as a peaceful and steady old woman. My smile wrinkles will be the deepest and my heart full of blessing.

The What Ifs.

I think it would be fun to see God's hand working in real time. I see it in retrospect. I would love to see into the spiritual world for a day and have my eyes open to what was going on in whole; body, mind, spirit. That is where faith's place is, but for fun.....
What if an angel's hand cradled the head of my child as they launched themselves towards the corner of the fireplace.... wall.... cupboard....
What if God whispered in my ear to wake up just as my son was climbing on the stool, on top of the chair, to get to the candy hidden in the top cupboard.
What if God spoke directly to my heart as I had my shower to step out and find my son who had climbed on the stove, turned it on, and turned it back off. Maybe God was speaking to him to turn it back off too before he cooked his little bum.
What if I saw God standing beside me waiting for the time to take my family out of the city.
What if he drove us to a place where we learned healing, forgiveness, faith.
What if he whispered a verse, a song, to encourage my friend, that in turn encouraged me.
What if I saw the thread he wound around us.
What if I could see the angels standing guard at my children's bedroom doors as they slept.
What if I even saw the second a car flew back onto their own side of the road before I turned the corner.
What if I felt the hand of God on my back.
What if I saw the return of a giving spirit in whole of what I received.
What if I could see what was coming from the seeds I planted today.
Maybe if I didn't have so many "what if's" I would stop second guessing God and imagining awful fates, and start seeing God's hand. Most of these things have happened and there is no what if about them. It was God. He is in control. At least if I add the what ifs of a faithful God to the what ifs of a circumstantial world, I will have hope and in retrospect, joy.
Philippians 4:4-9 (check it out).

walls

I am having a good day. The sun is shining (which always helps). My kids are on the mend. And I am encouraged. Yesterday I started to search for a way out of the fear that I have when my kids are sick. I found some peace. It is not fixed but it will be. There is hope. I talked to a few good friends and they shared their experiences, helped me normalize my filter once again. I am pushing myself to let go a bit in this.
Today I got out of the house and went to visit a best. I am laughing because she has already written a post since I left her house too. It is so encouraging to find my truths with my friends and to hope in things together. To share life. I am reminded of things to come. Things God has spoken to my spirit. Things that I can only call things because I don't know how they look yet. I do know that they are along the lines of restoration. As of yesterday, I could feel a wall moving again. There is more hope on the horizon...and hope does not disappoint.

The house that God built.

The next thing that I need to have a breakthrough on is this sick stuff. My kids get fevers and I feel like I am drowning. I am so worried that there is something more that is wrong than just the flu and I worry that a fever left too long or missed, will send them in to seizure. I have grounds for this worry and that is the problem I think.
When my Aiden was a few months old I thought he had a bladder infection. There were signs and I told the doctor. It was dismissed. A while later I told another doctor and they said not to worry it wasn't common in boys. That Thanksgiving, he had a high fever and started to turn blue and had the tremors. This, according to my nurse friends, is when there is danger of seizing. We took him into emerg and he had a raging UTI just like I had thought. It took took two rounds of antibiotics in this poor four month old babe, and a few further tests. After that we left it alone on advice of the pediatrician that the illness had passed and the tests can be contaminated because they are little bags left on the babies until they go. He has been fine since.
When my Gemma was a year and a bit, she got really sick. We thought it was a combination of teething and the flu. After we had to take her into emerg, we found out she had a UTI. It has continued on and off. I worry that I am going to the doctor too much and I worry that I will leave it too long out of worrying that I am and therefore her infection gets worse. I don't like to use the urine bags because of the contamination so I sit and wait with a little cup under a two year that is not potty trained- for hours sometimes. She will probably just grow out of these bladder infections so I am trying to keep her clean and away from tests. I shower her only now and every night. Soon she'll be potty trained.
Anyways, my point is that I can't handle fevers. I don't handle them. I have talked about this alot but I am still looking for a way out. I can't get this sick-to-my-stomach feeling every time they are sick. A feeling of waiting for it to pass. I don't want to go to bed at night so I can watch over them. When this happens three times over (with three kids), and every two weeks over this seemingly long winter, I start to lose it. I know I can trust God to watch over my children. I need to learn balance and hope to cope in the mean time.
I grew up in a "what if" family too. Maybe that is part of my problem. I need to not explore all the risks and options. If I could just deal as it came, it wouldn't be so bad.  I need to have a breakthrough on the fact that I know what to do and if it gets bad God will come through like he has. How do I convince myself of this? If I lived by all the what-ifs, I would live in a padded house beside the hospital. Haha. Hey, they have one of those. *wink*
There's a thought. I just wrote the title and maybe that will be my hope for today. A house that God built. There are two angels guarding the doors of the kids bedrooms. The LORD will whisper and wake me when the kids start to get sick or run a fever. It happened last night. I woke at five am when the medicine wore off and Gemma's fever started to get high. Oh, stubborn soul, why can't you have faith. It is man that has failed you, not God. His anger only lasts a moment but his favor lasts forever...remember. This inward fight sucks. Just saying. If only I could see in full. I am going to think on the things that I can't see today..maybe that will help. Anyone want to add onto that, please do...verses welcome as well......

babes

I am so thankful for my children.
They are the answered prayer of the desires of my heart.
My bug and my baby.
My bear.
And the blessing of them will continue always as they grow.
They make this Mamma's heart happy.
They are smart, gorgeous, and strong.
My bug- too old for his britches. A confidant leader.
My baby- a cuddle bug. Sweet and strong.
My bear- a little mamma. Compassionate and beautiful.
They are all stubborn and will make great big people.
I pray they will grow up to always know God.
That they will always remain close.
We love our family.

Links

God is linking up my life right now with my friends. I am beyond grateful for them . I need them to stay afloat. Amidst the joy I am feeling a fight. But there is encouragement in confirmation and God is faithful. When I am feeling the joy leave and the waves are threateningly close to me, he sends a reminder. You have no idea where I would be if it wasn't for God. Probably at the bottom of a bathtub. Harsh. But seriously true. Where do you go when you have no one to hope in. I have always had God. He was my only savior. He is my only Savior. Thank you Jesus for saving my soul and then saving my life. Your hand has been in it all. I love love you.

Searching this song and found it with the story behind it.....

whatever your little heart desires

I woke up with huge praises coming from my heart. I have that feeling of expectation. I have had this every once in awhile and it never disappoints. It is like when you are told there is a gift coming. It is exciting and your mind throws around ideas of what it is....Is it something you asked for? Something you have been waiting for? A surprise? Was it thought out? Did they keep in mind your tastes and personality?
You know it is going to be big. That's my feeling. I have been talking about little glimpses and joy in everyday. It continues. God isn't finished. That is the best part. It is homemade and especially for you. And it is something to share, to add onto, to give away....to multiply.
I'd like a metaphoric fruit tree to share with all my friends. The ones I love. The ones I see hurting. "Here friend, look what God brought over. Homemade. From scratch. Planted with a seed and grown to fruition. Grows big fruit. Enough to share with the neighborhood. Take some home with you."

little glimpses

My fingers are inspired this morning. They are ready to write. Lately I have been getting excited about the nitty gritty calling out to God situations. I rejoice a little when I see them. Then I put myself in check so that I don't look insane. But really, I have seen a glimpse of hope and I know that when you cry out to God, and mean it, he answers.
I also think that when it feels like you are stuck and up against the wall, it is only time before a floodgate will pour out. Our fight is not against flesh and blood and when things seem unreal, I think it it because of this.
I have been on edge this last week or so, trying to find truth and waiting for my kids to be healthy again. When I look beyond winter, I get excited. I have so much on my mind and I am seeing glimpses everywhere.

the best stories

I have some bests. Many of them are blunt kinda, down to earth, say it like it is, creative types. I like it that way. They have soul and they aren't fake. I appreciate that I can tell them things that aren't surface. I need that in my life. And not just that, I need to know them too. I need to know how I can care and who they are. I don't want dates. I want mates. Okay. I have been quarantined with sick kids for a week so I am starting to lose my sanity and am now rhyming....but you get it. I love my bests. I can tell them all things and they try to understand, they tell me what they think, and they are real. And they have stories too.....

After the storm.

After the storm, there is the most potential for growth...for the trees, for the weeds. Prune the trees, rip out the weeds, and underneath there will be flowers blooming abundantly.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
~ Romans 5: 1-5

A song for Sunday

A side note.

I love writing. It makes me use my brain, and my creativity. When I start I still have mom brain. Then after awhile I can feel revelation coming. Inspiration. Or at least I can sort my thoughts on a bad day. I go away settled.
This blog started as an anonymous way to relieve my pain. It has become a great way to share it. I let a few in to get feedback on my insanity. I let a few in to encourage after that. I am writing differently now. I know that some are reading. I have not changed my honesty but sometimes I have your pain on my heart when I write.
My truths are changing a bit too. I won't go back and erase. I want to be able to look back and see God's hand in retrospect. I find joy in that.
Anyways, thanks for all your encouragement. I hope you tag "follow"on the right so I know who is continuing to read, and comment. I like the input and encouragement. Feel free to challenge any truths too. (But with gentleness please). I am still polishing them.

* If you sign up for a google account, and it just takes a minute, then you can "follow" any blogs that you read.  And, if you go to blogger.com, you can easliy create your own blog. I would love to hear about your story.

The journey...

We were going on a journey. To a new place. To a new land. We walked through the hills in warm temperatures. Lush grass and mossy trees. Down to a valley. I talked with him awhile and fell asleep in the grass. It was so peaceful. Sunkissed cheeks and a soft breeze blowing.
Along the ravine there was a creek of glacier water and I drank. The night was coming. I wasn't afraid. He was there. He put his arm around me. He knew the way. And his gun was at his side. He could, he would, protect me.
We ate by a fire that night. I could sense the dark grey coyotes on the hills but I wasn't afraid. The wind picked up and the tall grass moved with it. We ate until we were full. And then he kissed my forehead. I was overwhelmed with the thought that he loved me so much to stand by me in this journey.
When we reach the other side of this mountain, I will live in his house. It will be good and I will be loved, all my days.

~ An imagination of Psalm 23.

just a little joy

If you just ask, your husband will empty the dishwasher. If you just ask God, he will give you joy while you are at the dentist. Let your need be known.
I am not even joking. It's been a hard week. I am struggling to overcome. I am still finding joy everywhere. It tells me that God will continue this healing until he completes it. Kids are all fevering now and coughing up a storm. I went to the dentist yesterday. To get my first two cavities filled. I am thirty so no one shows compassion. It was a sad day;) But really, if you have struggled with anxiety, someone covering your mouth is not a fun time. I was so nervous and I was praying. The verses in Psalm 23 came to me....Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.....your rod and your staff, they comfort me.....your rod and your staff, they comfort me......my cup runneth over....
I found my soul smiling at the dentist. (And I felt no pain at all.) This is a strange story but I am determined to find joy and not let fear run wild. Another scripture unlocked in my self....I want to study that one now.
And about the dishwasher, my wonderful husband heard that I was overwhelmed with the counter full of dirty dishes that had been neglected while I tended to sick kids. and he cleaned up the whole mess for me. Joy.

Fever. Hacking cough. Times three.

Where is the balance when it comes to feverish children. I have no control. God has all control. But I have responsibility. I am struggling to find the balance. I let go and then I take it back. I don't want to overdo the medicine. I don't want to let the fever run wild. I don't want to let fear rule the week. God give me wisdom in this and help me find the balance. Your love extends to my children's children. Your righteousness and justice. Mahal na mahal Lord.

fffffhhhhhhmmmm

I think that I am back on the upswing. That was harsh. My worst fears all combined. A sick babe, with night approaching, in a snow storm (with the hospital an hour away).
We were having company and they had just arrived. My poor Gem woke up after her nap, shaking and crying, and turning blue, from a high fever. But God is bigger. Our company just happened to be a woman who I trust with my children and a man who has been truck driving in snow storms for I think over forty years. I don't believe in coincidence remember. I wasn't scared in the storm and I didn't have to endure it alone, literally.
At the hospital I was not enduring the attack on my child. And it felt like an attack. Even waiting on that bed, there was a boy locked in a room at the end of the hall. He was screaming and banging on the door violently. It was sense overload. For some reason at around eight after being there for hours I felt a little bit of strength coming back. I realized that God's love for me (in Psalm 103) wasn't just for me....for my children's children. Not that I didn't know that but sometimes God unlocks scripture to our understanding when we need it most. This didn't make it much easier but it was something to cling to. And God's hope does not disappoint.
We left there with the conclusion that this sickness was just a bad virus- no reoccurring UTI and no pneumonia. This was good. Drove back through a snow storm and got home to two sleeping babes. I look back and laugh (a little), sorta want to cry still writing this. But God obviously had his hand in this.
My Gem-Bear is on the mend. My joy is returning. Here we go....*big sigh*

I am a dreamer.

I have been daydreaming. My eyes have been opened and I have seen how life can be different. I am finding joy and peace and contentment where I am at. I am being used of God and am being blessed. I am not waiting for my kids to grow up, or waiting to get better a hundred percent. I am stepping out in faith. I can't see where or why. In retrospect, I see where sin has rippled into miles of ocean. I can see where God's hand has shown mercy and protection. This week as I have been pushing out of fear and speaking out of faith, my soul has been encouraged. It is not of me but of God. He knew. He knew me. God remained faithful.

Proverbs 19:21~
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

JOY

I LOVE that God uses our pains for truth! Did you ever notice that when God turns around our situations, and uses them for the good of helping others, we aren't usually helping them avoid those struggles rather we are helping them find hope amidst their storm. Everyone has to come to their own truths in God's time. I am humbled that I can be used to spur that on.....and I am sooo greatly thankful for the ones that have spurred me on too. We can share in each others sufferings and then we get to share in the resulted JOY that comes after the storm:)

It's the overflow, of a forgiven soul. And now we see you, God. Our hearts cannot stay silent! ~matt redman

joyfuljones.com (a blog about JOY after pain:)

Dancing generation

Rebirth.

Wow. I just stumbled upon this site that had a beautiful picture that made me stop. It was of a young woman facing forward, walking into a field. She wore a beautiful flowing dress of white. The field was not a field of grass but a field of tulips. Strong, tall, healthy tulips. She was walking into the sun and towards a beautiful horizon, tulips parting as she went.
This picture immediately made me think of my last post. Of an orphan girl. This girl was alone but she was shining. Strong. Owned.....

Humble

When I was in the shower this morning (a place where it is quiet), I saw a picture in my mind's eye. A picture of a little girl. She was too young to be alone but she was alone. She had her back to a big old white house and she was wearing rags. Her feet were bear and her skin was filthy dirty. I don't know if she was an orphan but she felt like it.
She started to walk away from that house and I knew where she was going. It was raining and she took off her ragged clothes. Left them there. In a heap. She walked naked and ashamed, through that rain, further into the field of grass. The rain was cleansing her. Her tears washed away in it. She walked until she no longer felt shame.....

drawn out of the dark

I am saddened this morning by a number of posts this morning on friend's blogs. I had a whole post written yesterday and just deleted it...and now I see why. It came out all wrong. It was just for me.
I am not feeling hopeless reading these posts though. I just snuck out of that place and I am still smirking. I do know though that everything will be drawn out that is not of God and that you will have to walk through that place. There is no alternate path. But (and I mean big but) there is no fear in God. Sit still in that place and spew it all out to God. He is not afraid of your anger, nor does he ignore your cries. When your children cry in that much pain do you say, "stop crying you worthless child." I know I don't. I say, "You're okay...mommy's here...and mommy loves you."
God keeps reaffirming two things to me and it has stirred a tidal wave in my life this week. (And this was after drawing out all those pains back to six years old.) And those things are this....I have engraved you on the palm of my hand...and....forgive. Forgive yourself. It okay I AM is here and I love you......

The big He.

I have a humble smile on my face. It looks like peace. My eyes are shining. The eyes of my heart are open. A truth is this, that good and evil are not equal. God created and God is in control. I can feel that. God loves me more than more. I once worked with YWAM in the Philippines and I like the way their language expresses this. Mahal na mahal kita.....I love love you. Sometimes we have to hear it twice. I love you. No really, hear me.....I love you. I have been praising for days. My blog has been changing for awhile. I am excited to see this fruition in my life. I can't wait until I am surrounded by more that have walked this same path...up to the mountain. I am standing there with my face turned upward and HE is kissing my eyelashes.  
Mahal na mahal kita LORD.

Majesty(Here I am) - Delirious

A testimony of Grace....

Just over a year and a half ago, God brought me back to this town. I didn't want to come here. My husband rerouted us here. But I knew in my heart that God rerouted us. This place, and this church, has been a place of pain for me. But God has been restoring. Where my spirit was broken and where my soul was sick. In our woman's group, Mom's Time Out, we have been doing a Beth Moore study of Esther called It's Tough Being a Woman. It was an amazing study of wisdom and truth. At the end of it I felt like I would be free of my anxiety. I was waiting...
About a month ago I had a dream that a woman who was very dark and had see-through blue eyes had come in the night. She was fear itself. This spirit of fear had me up against the wall and was pressing my heart with her fist to suffocate my life out of me. I knew that this was what was happening in reality.
About two weeks ago, I had start to feel like I was going to die. I couldn't breathe and I knew it was NOT just physical sickness.
On Thursday I went for prayer counselling. God showed me places where I had to forgive, and not only that but that he had forgiven me. I had never left God but I felt like my prayers didn't count anymore. In that meeting the LORD said to my very being, "I AM YOURS, AND YOU ARE MINE. IT IS NOT TOO LATE." And I really feel the need to share this testimony, not only to praise God that he is healing me even in my imperfection, but I know that I am not the only "grown up youth" that had left this church in pain. God is restoring. He wants to say, "I AM YOURS. YOU ARE MINE. IT IS NOT TOO LATE."

PSALM 103.

Mexican prayer vigil

I am smiling again this morning. I just read a little note from a friend. There are a bunch of friends and family over in Mexico. This happens every year around here. They all fly south around February.
Anyways, the note was about the prayers that they had joined in as I had told them I was going in for it. The prayers match the ones that happened on this part of the world. I am not surprised. I know God already. I am just smiling. Confirmation is fun.
What I am surprised in is that forgiveness was such a big part of this healing process. Not because I didn't know it counted but I just didn't realize where I was holding onto things. Even the little ones that surrounded situations. I think I rationalized the heck out of all my pains, found the truths, but forgot to get over it. Held onto it so that people would know why I was this way. Haha. There is a revelation for you. Hold on to why you are that way and you will stay that way. And there is the truth for my morn.


-> And on a side note. This makes me think of a friend. Friend. The big He loves you. Not only that but you are his. He chose you first. And everyone can tell when they look at you. No one sees an abandoned little girl. Everyone sees a woman of God. One that has chosen all things good in her relationships despite all things and who raises her children wisely and with good intent. You are a leader and God will bring you through. Why. Because he has big plans for you. And when you are ready it will all sink in. Just passing it on....he told me yesterday. I love you.

The LORD is Gracious and Compassionate

The LORD is gracious and compassionate
Slow to anger, and rich in love
The LORD is gracious and compassionate
Slow to anger, and rich in love

And the LORD is good to all
He has compassion on all that he has made

As far as the east is from the west
That's how far
He has removed his transgressions from us
As far as the east is from the west
That's how far
He has removed his transgressions from us

Praise the LORD, O, my soul
Praise the LORD
Praise the LORD, O, my soul
Praise the LORD


1998 Vineyard Songs
Words and music by Graham Ord

Casting Crowns - East To West (Live) from Altar and the Door

Joy

I am there.
God said, "YOU ARE MINE <3." And I heard him and understood. It is NOT too late. You can't be disowned. You don't get to pick your family. He is my family. I am yours LORD.....
I can feel the warm wind again. I have passed the death. I have walked the rutty field. I am standing on the edge of a giant crevasse. I am not afraid to fall off. I might jump off even. There is nothing there but God.
I can run now. I can scream out loud. I can take my time on the trail down. You will hear me singing. A song that comes from my soul.
But really. I had prayer counselling this morning. I had to. I felt like I was about to die.
I say to my kids often, "Do you know how much I love you?"....."Big, big big big Big big love:)" It is like that.   

A basket of quilt scraps.

I am gathering all my sufferings in a basket. I am turning them into a quilt. Of all the scraps I will make something beautiful. Bright and warm. It will be able to cover not only me but others. I will be able to say, "I know how you feel, but God is bigger, stronger." I will know more then and be aware of the threads that God has sewn together. To heal. To hold it all together. To hold me together. I will be of greater character. Not proud, humble. Not a know it all, but wise. Not muscular, strong inside. And my eye wrinkles will show around eyes that shine with the knowledge that God is truth. He cannot lie. I was only lying in myself. In my weakness. And then God will use me. I won`t fear.
I can see myself in a house in the middle of a field, on a small hill. With family surrounding me. Children the age I am now and babes that are mine but not from my womb. And I will have fellowship there with old and young. We will teach each other the ways of the LORD. I will not forget and the good fruit will be hidden no more. My sorrow will have subsided and my joy will be greater. For greater is he that is in me....

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8.