Sleep.

I hate this traumatic stress anxiety disorder. It puts goggles over my eyes. It makes everything a weapon. It blurs my thinking. I just want to go to bed until it's over. My kids were sick too long and now I am tired and can't catch up. I was doing so well. It is so sad.
I used to like change, liked to travel, liked to go on road trips, liked to call up my friends, liked to look at houses. Now I see weapons everywhere... the stairs, the road, the tile floor, the railing, the sharp or small toy. I just want to play with my kids outside in the yard but I am on guard at all times. The stairs only have one hand rail and they are high. A cement retaining wall over the side and cement steps at the bottom. A big dog running up and down, not regarding the small kids. I just stare at it trying to make peace. Would I be like this if I hadn't lost a child, two children.
I am indecisive and forgetful. I don't know why there isn't enough money set aside in the bank account that I checked in the morning and it is because I bought something at the gas station two hours earlier. I walk up and down the hallway because I finished a chore not meant to be done and remembered the reason that I went down in the first place. I freak myself out when I make popcorn because it takes a minute or two to start popping and by then I have forgotten that I put it in the microwave. (This is slightly amusing)
I try to do the things that can help... that do help. The weather makes it hard to get out with toddlers. Teething, sickness, growing pains, wake up my kids in the night. I think of the things that make it hard to let go and I just want to stay home. My kids want out so they run wild. I get more exhausted. I become a not fun mom. I get sarcastic to people because I really just want to cry. I think I might sound rude. I am not a rude person.
I don't even want a break anymore. I just want to sleep in for a week. And nap in the afternoon.
I was contented. I was even happy. Now I am low. I still think that I am dealing better but I can't catch a break. Would I really feel better with more sleep? Probably.
This problem takes away my identity. I am no longer who I want to be. I am only surviving. I do stupid things. Think stupid thoughts. I stay up later trying to get a break and come to terms with my thoughts when all I need is sleep. I need to go to bed early tonight. All week. I will feel better in the morn........