One of these things.

One of these things, these major decisions, is about babes. I think I am ready to be done having any more kids. I am fine with having Aiden, Gemma, and Keiran. I don't think of them as numbers so three is fine. I think of them as my independent strong boy, my beautiful, quiet, poised girl, and my soft hearted, fun baby boy.
If I could just have one more and sit back and gaze on my gorgeous treasures, I might have more. I am too tired, too impatient from being too tired, and my body has been pushed to the limit. There is sickness all winter and Aiden is starting kindergarten in September. I will be onto the next step.
I have mixed feelings about leaving the baby stage but it will bring relief, and camping trips, and other family fun.
And I don't think of myself as a mother of three. I have five babes. I feel five babes. I see five babes. I am so thankful for the dreams that God gave me of my lost babes. I can see their faces in my mind's eye, although sometimes it gets a bit blurry.... of a little spiky haired, blue-eyed boy and a dark, curly haired, big brown eyed girl.............

at this point

I feel like I look fake, but I am not. I am just flailing a little. I feel like I sound like I have an attitude, but I don't. I am just sad in the far corner of somewhere and that comes out angry. I am at the next point. Not a big deep jump. I woke up somewhere with people all around me and wondered, how did I get here.
I was looking at things that should feel horrible...and they didn't. They finally feel horrible. Some bad choices. Some real coping. I am glad that my mind is matching my emotions. Reality sucks a little though. How did I get here.....
I am ready for the next. I am unsettled with big decisions. Some that I have no control over...some are all too heavy on my shoulders. When this passes, it will all be relief. I am ready for it though...if I could just get up. I need a little boost here.

The dance.

I am in limbo. I have that waiting feeling. It is spring but it keeps snow storming. I don't really like this feeling. It makes me low. It makes me have old familiar torturous dreams. It makes me long for more in life. It makes me feel stuck for the moment. At least I know that when this feeling passes, change comes....and it is always good.