Back to the grind.

Back to the grind. I am home again. It went so fast! Back to school and cooking and cleaning and refereeing. Distance brings clarity so I come home with that. I miss the North and my family friends there. I miss that the focus is family and togetherness. I miss the church that is mature and firmly planted. The church family that is rooted in just that, family. I am glad for my friends here that are close but I am almost bracing for a change that I don't want to see. I don't know where it is going. I see weeding out and giving up, and letting go, whether good or bad. I long for some stability. I don't want to sit here anymore. I want to dig in and seek truth to it's fullness. I don't want to waste away into the mundane and stop growing up. I don't want to give up myself.... to remember it is not by my works, but His, that things change for the good.
I see clarity in family too. An ability to let go more. A want to cling to my husband in friendship. To do more that isn't program but just shoulder to shoulder togetherness. I see a break in discipline regarding beliefs and that is so confusing. Do I let things go more or do I become stricter. Either way I need to remain calm and speak with love and a gentle spirit. With respect. It is always hard to step up when you are tired but being the first to plow means you are the first to see growth. Life is wide open right now in many areas. It could go either way. Prayer it will be, as always. Different issues, same faithful God.

God, bring major changes in our lives, in my family's life. Turn us to the way that is good, the way that looks upward. Let us not stumble with self help but let us look to you. Years of normal doesn't always mean truth. Weed out the useless and rotting. Bring light to truth. Open understanding to areas that are off and let them fall off of our shoulders. Show us heart issues and whys so that we may encourage each other out of our struggles and into freedom and truth. Let us be encouraged at the light that we see and bring it home. Let us not despair at the dark patches. Father God, Redeemer, turn our heels toward each other and turn our eyes upwards. Turn our hearts towards you first. Give us an attitude of humility. Let us no longer cling to the safest but let us reach for the falling and the not-like-us in our lives. Bring a family togetherness in us that extends to the influences and influential in our lives. LORD, thank you for being God. For being over us all. Don`t forget us in our sin. Heal our failings and turn our sadness into joy, even when we deserve our dark consequences. Thank you for your unfailing love. Unfailing. You are not a liar. You are trustworthy. Mahal na mahal kita.  

Flying

I am here in the North. This place has always been my retreat. A life changer, dangerous and gracious both. I am hoping to come home after much rest, with a renewed perspective on a few things. I need to get a little ahead for the sake of some patience. I need to rest for some healing of my body. I need to be on the outside of the swirling everyday in order to make changes for the inside. Big ones. Books are in the middle of being read, plans talked about, and new dreams springing up. I need to learn to let go and a little exhaustion has pushed me past my fear to do just that. A reminder of letting my LORD take his place of in charge, not that He ever lost it, and seeing what happens in the letting go.

mudd (an older post never posted)

I just can't seem to get ahead of it all. Can't seem to find some patience. Some hope. Despair is lingering. There are moments that I think I can drag myself out of this mud but the climb is sliding dirt.... or maybe it's the guy stuck behind me.... he keeps dragging me down. Doesn't he know if I could just climb out, I could help him too. Maybe he should go first. There is rustling above us. Scurrying of men in arms. People are gathering, angels are declaring war. A plan is put in motion for rescue. At least this is all that there is to hope for. Or I could just sit in this darkness. I can't see anything, can't hear anything, and it is disorientating. I know that He is standing beside me. The calm one. The faithful one. The one that could fill this pit with water and turn it into a well. That would be one way to rise on out of here.

A boring introduction.

My husband is sending me away. I am heading north to one of my fave places, Aunty Diane's house, who I don't ever really call aunty actually unless I am talking to the kids, and alot of the times call mom. I can't wait to see old friends and just rest. I need a rest. I haven't had one.... ever. Well, since I had kids. I am never away for more than a few hours, other than one night away with my husband quite awhile ago. I am tired. I am so tired that my body hurts no matter how much sleep I get. Five pregnancies in four years and three kids later, I am done in. Keiran turns three on Tuesday, and on Wednesday I am praying for safe travels and for peace.
I am also praying that this is a God appointment. I have been in the middle of chaos for far too long. I can't talk myself out of it or will myself to change. I am impatient most of the time and this is partly because I am tired and in pain. It took me a week to convince myself that I can do this alone. I need to start doing this more often. I need recharge and I feel like no one gets that. I am always asked how long I will be or can I go here and there. I need a moment to not think about tasks and more moments to rest. I also need some care. I need people to lift me up and I don't think that is selfish- I will surely give it back too. I need God to work some change and give some perspective while I am away, both to me and my husband. I want to find that patience so that I can build up my home; build up my little ones, and bring in some more maybe. I am feeling restless and I want to force some change.
This year is a faith building year, as I have said before. It is good- straight from God. I am at a standstill and waiting to move. Struggle only means I am striving for more. Even in this silent lull, I know God is working a plan. If I look around I see too much to deal with but if I look back even to the beginning of this year, I see how much He has done. I do not believe that he will let this year fade out. One month to go.

Winter stirrings.

I am going nuts over here. I think it is good nuts. There is a sense of expectation and that is always a good thing. My brain is wanting to bust out some walls and expand this house, or even find a bigger one. I am in need of money- not money for need but money for projects and growth in this family. I know these things may never happen, but a girl can dream. Dreams give me some hope around here. I think Gemma is hoping with me. It is pretty funny. I told her that Daddy wants a bigger house if we have more kids and she says, "No my sister can share a room with me, it is big enough." Exactly. I agree Gem. We shall see. I know we maybe shouldn't have said too much about all this, even as I think of the limitations that are being set on the "when" or "what has to happen" part of this all. But, my kids know it's a maybe. I am forcing some physical changes in my house and God can change the spiritual parts. First up, a new dryer and a new bootroom. :) 

new life plans?

Something weird happened this week. Shocking. I have fallen in love with two children that are not my own.... yet. Now, this could just be the start of something but this has been surprising. I may not ever meet these kids but God has planted something in my heart and started something in my family.....
I have left the child bearing decision up to God. He has seemed to close my womb right now. I am good with that either way. He is trustworthy.
I have started to see children in their full humanhood- as people with a purposefully planned path. Not that I didn't before but God has started to show me more of who each of them are, and how to nurture my own to Him better.
This week I was looking on the waiting children list. I have looked before. I had no desire to adopt unless it was certain circumstances- a relative, a child saved from abortion, a friend in need. I started looking through what adoption in BC looked like with a friend in mind. I look through this sometimes and have always thought, "This is not for me." I was never drawn to any kids and always was overwhelmed with how hard the situations were.This week was different. I was drawn to two names; a brother and sister sibling group.
And then I read on.... The girl is a year younger than my daughter and the boy a year younger than my son. I have always wanted a sister for Gem and always see five kids in my household. These kids want pets and a big yard, check. They have been exposed to alcohol prenatally but are doing well so far- but this does not bother me one bit as we have dear friends who have experience with this and have taught us that nurturing and teaching makes all the difference. I can't believe how they are seemingly a match for our family.... or rather us a match for them.
My thoughts go to my husband who has a little more relateable life experience with this area and think he might be open to it. When I ask him, he tells me that he has thought about adoption years ago, and that he did not think that he would have children but thought he might adopt. I cannot believe that the ongoing conversation is favorable from his side. I am in shock. Are we really talking about this?
We both know the things that would need to happen for this to come into realness. One being finance, but I know that my God is bigger than all that. So now, it is in God's hands, not that it always hasn't been. I am looking around at the threads, although still loose, that have been being woven within this new story. This may be a new life turn for our family. We shall see.
And then one day my daughter says, " Are our kids coming today?"