Thursday, May 26, 2011

A note.

So many things are going on. Keiran's moved to a big boy bed, Gemma is potty training, we bought a new home, and it is almost the day that I said goodbye to Ariel (June 1st, 2007). I am worn out and excited. I have things in the back of my mind coming up randomly. I think I am still doing better, but I don't want to stop and think about it for fear that I might stop walking on the water and start sinking....

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Faith is a verb.

It occurred to me in my quiet time the other day that faith was a choice. This really hit me. I had decided to choose faith even though I wasn't feeling it. Faith is not a feeling.

Faith

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Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept or thing, or a belief that is not based on proof.[1][2] Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true,[3] belief in and assent to the truth of what is declared by another, based on his or her supposed authority and truthfulness.

The persuasion of the mind that something is true.... or in other words... I choose to believe.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

the plans I have for you

We have bought a house....well, subject to financing and inspection. We don't have alot of funds so it is nerve racking waiting for the decision/options from the bank. It is hard to trust that it will all work out. I know that if it doesn't work out, then there is a reason. I want to be able to trust God completely. I think I am more worried about disappointment than not getting the house. It is a property and we are dreaming up big plans for it already. However, we are fine where we are. We would just like to own our own house again. I never knew that I would feel so strongly about a family home as I do now. Our first home, which we bought before our son was born, was so charming and cozy. I miss that home. This home feels the same...charming. When we went to see it the kids were running and playing like it was their yard already and my husband was smiling ear to ear. I struggle to let go. To kick out that inkling of doubt. The rest of me feels like it is all we hoped for... and it is falling into place. I need to do some soul settling today....

Monday, May 9, 2011

the walk

When my kids are misbehaving and straight out disobedient, I discipline them, I spur them on to correct their behavior, and then I move on. I do not disown them and tell them that they are no longer my children until they prove that they are perfect little angels again. This sounds like a ridiculous thought but really is that not how we sometimes feel about God.  Being a parent brings great revelation on how God's heart is for us when he calls us children. From birth (of my kids), I feel as though I am aware that all God wants from us is our hearts, because we have his. He just wants to be with us, have relationship with us. He wants to encourage the great parts of our personalities and dissuade us from becoming rotten or hurt. He wants us to make good plans and when we can't see that what we are doing isn't adding up, he will step in, but only if we let him. He doesn't want us to be little robots of him. He gave us freedom of choice. He wants us to grow in character and to know him. I am glad for these truths. We are his. He chose us. We choose him back. He who started a work will be faithful to complete it in us. And that doesn`t mean starting over... it means continuing on.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Sleep.

I hate this traumatic stress anxiety disorder. It puts goggles over my eyes. It makes everything a weapon. It blurs my thinking. I just want to go to bed until it's over. My kids were sick too long and now I am tired and can't catch up. I was doing so well. It is so sad.
I used to like change, liked to travel, liked to go on road trips, liked to call up my friends, liked to look at houses. Now I see weapons everywhere... the stairs, the road, the tile floor, the railing, the sharp or small toy. I just want to play with my kids outside in the yard but I am on guard at all times. The stairs only have one hand rail and they are high. A cement retaining wall over the side and cement steps at the bottom. A big dog running up and down, not regarding the small kids. I just stare at it trying to make peace. Would I be like this if I hadn't lost a child, two children.
I am indecisive and forgetful. I don't know why there isn't enough money set aside in the bank account that I checked in the morning and it is because I bought something at the gas station two hours earlier. I walk up and down the hallway because I finished a chore not meant to be done and remembered the reason that I went down in the first place. I freak myself out when I make popcorn because it takes a minute or two to start popping and by then I have forgotten that I put it in the microwave. (This is slightly amusing)
I try to do the things that can help... that do help. The weather makes it hard to get out with toddlers. Teething, sickness, growing pains, wake up my kids in the night. I think of the things that make it hard to let go and I just want to stay home. My kids want out so they run wild. I get more exhausted. I become a not fun mom. I get sarcastic to people because I really just want to cry. I think I might sound rude. I am not a rude person.
I don't even want a break anymore. I just want to sleep in for a week. And nap in the afternoon.
I was contented. I was even happy. Now I am low. I still think that I am dealing better but I can't catch a break. Would I really feel better with more sleep? Probably.
This problem takes away my identity. I am no longer who I want to be. I am only surviving. I do stupid things. Think stupid thoughts. I stay up later trying to get a break and come to terms with my thoughts when all I need is sleep. I need to go to bed early tonight. All week. I will feel better in the morn........

Monday, May 2, 2011

The ideal life.

I have ideas of what is an ideal life. An ideal house, an ideal place to live. It irritates no one more than it does me. It's like a dream that you can never catch. If only.... if only..... if only.... Ugh. All I want is a yard with a deck that my toddler age children can walk right out into, and play in the sun. Why is there always something that makes life just a little difficult.
Another ideal would be to have a spouse that sees things the way that you do. I am glad that I do not for the sake of worrying too much on my part, but it would be great to have a spouse that has the same faith beliefs. It is upsetting the balancing of my life. I want to soar above the issues and be encouraged and I seem to be dragged back to reality constantly. It is hard to live in a state of praise when the one you share everything with, cannot understand what that even means. It feels like a battle of souls. I am losing this one most days lately, at least to my standard. I am too tired. Physically it is all fine and dandy to leave things alone. Spiritually it is exhausting. And why would I let it go. If the one I love doesn't know something that I think is the most important thing in all of life, wouldn't I be unloving if I didn't want him to share in that. Not only this, but it is ultimately difficult when you add kids into the mix. I am trying to spur my kids on to live in faith. I can't do this alone. Everyone makes their own choices. In marriage the choices are unified.... or divided.
I know my husband was for me. I asked for him in characteristic and even appearance when I prayed for a man. I love him to no end. I hope that this faith issue resolves itself though. I am torn and therefore stuck. Stuck because I love and torn because it is not my decision to make.
So, here are the prayers of my heart. For a home that is comfortable in all areas. For an understanding of my faith in the one I love.