God of Justice.

When I left my home up North, I thought it was for my husband. I thought it was for my family. God doesn't let anything go to waste. He uses it all. For good.
I didn't want to be here. I came here a few times over the years only to leave again. I hated it here. I thought it was awful. It felt awful. It was awful.
My church had fallen apart at the same time my heart had begun to fall apart. Once strong I felt like I was torn. I made an ultimatum.... I will not do this again.
I ran. I ran to good but my heart was torn. I walked in the way I was meant, but my heart was still torn. I let the ultimatum in my heart, slide into a spoken ultimatum. I would not let God heal. I wanted him to make me a deal to protect me from what first punctured my soul. The deal fell through..... because I made it. An ultimatum. To limit God. To limit healing.
So, when we came here, my family and I. I felt it was for all of them. I would suck it up for them. But God doesn't waste. He brought me here too.
Immediately I was face to face with all the pain I had gone through. I could see it all. I could feel it all. I felt like throwing up.
A few years before we moved, I had looked at myself and found that I couldn't recognize "me" anymore. I had been talking with some young men at the door and heard them speaking lies about my God. I wanted to show them the truth. I couldn't. I had forgotten where to find what I was looking for. I had held to God but stopped growing. Stopped seeking. Walked in death a little while to cover the pain.
I had tried a few times to pull myself out. I went to one church in an attempt to connect, and the lady beside me said there was no room- her husband was sitting there. I felt like there was no room in the whole church for me. I went to a different gathering and felt alone. Even the people I knew would not speak to me. I felt unworthy. I even left town for awhile to escape, but even there I felt like the opposite of myself. At the bottom.
When my son was born, I wished it not on him to suffer for my pain. I wanted him to know my God. I found a place in willingness, where there were Christians willing to show their scars. People who wanted to seek after God, regardless of their struggle. I am so thankful for that place.
After this, I had lost my third child (a second loss) and I did not feel heard by God. I did not feel trusted. I knew that he would hear the prayers of other so I left it to them to surround me. And not that I didn't pray, I always pray, but I felt disconnected. God heard my cries and I had Gemma.
And then in that place we prayed for change. Change for my husband's job. Change for my family's situation. And a few months later it changed.
I had just finished saying that we were caught up on bills and in a safe place. It was going to be okay. From that moment our world began to unfold. I think that God was pulling back the layers so that we could move. My husband, who worked on-call, wasn't called. A few months and he was layed-off. We took the chance to move closer to family. Our house sold in a week and a half. And within the month we had moved.
I didn't want to come here. It was a detour.
God, began to change things. I began to see things differently. It was painful. It felt long. In the beginning I wanted to die. When I gave up, God began to move.... to really move. He showed me my unforgiveness. For a man, for  a church, for myself. I thought I had forgiven. I had just moved. I had just counted it all for something God could use for his good but let it sit, even a little, in the depths of my heart.
When I gave in. When I really forgave. God showed me his mercy. God showed me that he knows my walls. He showed me that he is changing things. That I am not forgotten. That it is not too late. That there are worse places than pain. Places where we don't know Him.
He showed me a place where I get to add onto things for my kids. Where I get to minister. Where I am an adult and I get to have words for my kids and for the people I am encouraged with. A place where I am not ashamed because he brought me out.
I don't have to count where I was scorned, burned, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and didn't have a say. I get to have a say. I don't forget where I came from. I don't want to become healed and proud. I want to be healed and humble. I want to make a safe. A place where we can seek, regardless of where we came from or even where we are at. A place where we are all forgiven. A place where we can all teach our children truth but don't hide from pain. A place where we are forgiven. Truly forgiven.

Psalm 34:22~ The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.