standing alone.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. Really happy. I see glimpses of it. I might even know how to get there. It can't be recreated. It just happens. From happy things. Even my happy things are tainted. And I just want to cry. If I can just cry then maybe I can be happy again. This is the feeling that has come. I don't like feeling stuck. I don't like feeling in a cloud. A protective cloud of nothingness. I don't know when I started being angry. I hate being angry. I have forgiven the angry stuff but I can't go back and fix those places. They have left scars. Unhappy ones. Sometimes I think about going back in my mind. Scenarios's that just make it worse. I can't go back. I am stuck in forward. With scars. With decisions that drag me down. I can't rise above because my path is twisted and I can't be stronger... maybe as strong as I was, because my leg is broken. Or my heart. That's it. My heart is broken. In many pieces. And I lost those pieces. I miss those times. Those people. Those places. But I am changed. Maybe for the better. But not stronger. And now I am unknown. I have to start all over. I have to be me. I want to be her again for awhile. Or her. Me hurts. I am alone. Except for Jesus.