I am almost ready. To let go. My greatest fear is my family. I am angry that I feel no one has ever loved or protected me. It may not be true but I am still mad. I am ready to let it go. I don't want to fight or blame. I don't blame. We are all people. We all have reasons. I have reasons. Now it needs to be fixed. To move forward. To not be controlled by outsiders. To encourage. To uplift. To free.
I started this post yesterday and then my bests came and kicked me out of my house to make dinner for me. I walked, in the cold, over crusted snow....I could've walked forever. I am really sick right now. I have never really been this bad...maybe before but without kids. It is so worse with my poor babes. They don't need a sick mamma. They don't really know. Maybe just a little. They give me more cuddles and longer ones.
I have been handed books. There is a stack on my quilt cupboard. I just want someone to tell me what to do. I am overwhelmed with thoughts of what to do. I am fighting but quietly. I am scared. I don't need to be. Or at least I hope not.
By the end of this month, I am going to be better...and not just better, free. This is my prayer. Then I can see over that mountain side. I'm am sure there is a lake on the other side. One that I can jump in. Joy returned.....
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