Saturday, October 30, 2010
Fricken' Eve
I am going to have to come to the conclusion that I am just human and therefore I cannot be a perfect mom. I will have to realize that no matter what I do I cannot keep my children safe and on a clear path. Just writing this makes me feel ill. The safe part that is. I have such ambition, and such expectation of myself. I hope for all things good for my kids. One day they will make their own choices. One day they will get their little hearts broken. One day they won't be so little. I have to fight all of these days until those days and beyond, to let them go and let God take care of it all. It's all I can do. Sometimes I want to blame Eve half jokingly but don't you think she went through it too. She didn't wake up one day and think to herself, I am going to disappoint my husband today, I am going to scar my children for generations to come. I don't wake up thinking, I am going to lose my patience when I am exhausted, I am going to be disappointed in my husband for not reading my mind. I think all things good for my family in the morning and before I go to bed but somewhere in the exhaustion in between I lose my plan. Good thing God has a plan for good and not harm, for a future and a hope. I am going to bed...all things look brighter in the morning. Maybe one day I'll write a post in the morning. It won't be so melancholic....
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Melancholic is ok because it's real. I often want to write the true depth of my feelings on my blog but feel like I would be judged. That people would see the real me and think I'm a mess. This is good for me to read because it makes me realize that maybe just maybe I'm normal. I don't have the depth of sorrow you have, but I grieve on a different level. I grieve the expectations of what I thought my life would look like...how I would act, respond, love, how my husband would respond, love....
ReplyDeleteThat is my grief too Mandi. That the life I dreamed did not happen. That I got let down by a man that was supposed to be my husband and next smacked upside the head by a loss of a baby...then I married a good man that doesn't share my beliefs (and I said I never would do just that). I am a mess because of my anxiety but the more I write, the more I find people need depth and honesty. I was craving it until I let go of my fears. I did not let go of them fully though;) I started this blog as an anonymous thing but I needed some feedback so I let a few people in. I let in more when I felt like I can trust. I am trying not to alter my writing knowing that more people are reading. I often want to just put it out there but I don't really want my family reading...just a few trustworthy friends. And thanks for the other comments...I like to write my thoughts in pictures:)
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