A thought for the day.

I think it would be lovely if we could just plan out who we wanted to be and be just that, only and perfectly. If we could form a collection of thoughts and then walk into those things easily and fully. I want to be, long to be, fully kind. I want to be ever-patient, slow to anger, graceful, even beautiful or put together. I am sometimes said to be encouraging, wise occasionally. I hold to those things thankfully. But, what of those places that I can't grasp hold of- those ever-patient kind of places? I am fully human, unable to be without fault. I have been shaped and taught from my circumstances. I have been carved from legacies and traditions, from habits. I am foreign to certain traits and places, and when tired I retreat back into my personal cultural norm.
When I was young, I used to think I was strong. I could hold to my beliefs like nobody's business. I could hold tightly to a standard of my choosing. I was strong because I could hold on. And, what did people say of me? I was caring, cute, smart, shy. But, was that enough?
As I age, in body and spirit, I feel broken and weak more often than not. Life is tumbling forward at a much quicker kind of pace. I can't always juggle and organize all of the choices that I want to keep to. I am tired and retreating to my weaker state. In this, I have found that being strong is not about holding on; it is about letting go. It is about who God says I am. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am chosen. I am hemmed in.
The world speaks of the outside. My God is concerned with the inside.
I need to think on that. My focus not towards patience, or some other ideal. I need to work on letting go. I need to let go of all the things that I want to form, and give God room to form His good plan, in me and through me. To lay all my plans before Him. To not focus on the end or the wanted fruitfulness, but the means- namely God Himself. My plans never work out my way anyways. I can never protect my kids enough, be patient enough, use grace-filled words enough, keep my house pure enough, or keep myself pure enough. I can only let God build character in my kids through trials and lessons; I can only let Him build my character when I reset each day with perseverance; I can only steward my children to grow at their own pace and pray that they turn out well; I can only ask Him for the words when I am at a loss; I can only seek and lean into God and His word, and let Him do the purifying and heart changing from the inside out.

I am not fully strong when I hold on tightly.... I am only strong enough when I let go.