I've Got a Little Army

New Question:
How can we help equip you to use your gifts?
I am resetting. This question would be a great way to restructure. Start from the giver and move forward into servanthood. I don't want to be served. I want to grow, but I want to be where the people are. I want to be where I can help. And, I want to do it with somebody. I am tired of being alone really. I am tired of being shoved in a corner until my kids grow up. I have been raising these kids for ten years. I want to train them to love and serve through them seeing me be able and willing to do so. I am not complaining here. I have many ideas and ambitions, but one does get worn out without any venue to move....
I am a stepper. I don't like to wait to have it all together. I relish in the thought that I can start walking and my God can meet me half way. That is where faith is built.
I am also an encourager. With encouragement comes admonishment too. When something is on my heart, I do not have the ability to remain silent. Or rather I could, but I feel like I am doing something wrong even. I appreciate resolve. The catch is that I will not say anything unless a person knows my heart. Unless they know me. You can not speak into someone's life if you don't share it. Ah, there is another good thought right there, to ponder for a moment. It goes back to the alone thing....
So, I am only having fellowship, and encouragement in the places where my close friends are, and they are not where I am, or at the church that I am trying to be a part of. I do not wish to stay secluded to my best of friends only. I want to interact and be changed by a whole body of believers. (PS-Even the ones that are not like me or who rub me the wrong way.)
How can I change things so that I am rubbing shoulders with my church? I can't, but God can.  For now it looks to me like I am being asked to stand still.....
To rest.   

A Sincere Thought.

Life has been unwound. Home has been not-so-pretty in my mind and heart. It is not nearly put together around here. Many issues are having to be reworked in my thoughts. Next step plans are being made and sorted over. There is a lot of weighing going on. Honestly, when is there not, just sometimes it is a little more intense in content. In this there is prayer and counsel from the ones closest to me- sometimes a wise and loved friend who is untouched by the issues at hand.
I have been forced to sift once again. A question: What is church?
I am getting nothing settling. Or rather, I am getting circles of thoughts, winding back to the same inconclusive ones. In the past few days I have read up on 1 Timothy 3 (I won't type it out, but please read it).... a outline for leadership. It is clear but yet not giving me any peace. I have talked to an unbiased friend and have still been at a standstill. It is only in an unexpected place tonight that I have had my heart stir with an ease of God's voice.
A new question: Where is it that you can use your giftings?
In this my heart is stirred. Maybe we are all asking the wrong questions. Maybe we are all trying to find peace of mind in being served, when God has called us to serve. That doesn't mean accepting things that are unholy, but maybe in serving in our full God given places, we will overflow Jesus and move the hard places.
I have been and I am sure will be, concerned for the spiritual health of my children. I am responsible to be a steward of how they are brought up. I want them to have friends that encourage them. I want them to have people that they can do life well with. Maybe those people aren't just friends. Or rather, maybe those people aren't just peers of their same age. I am reminded that the most influential people in my life were not other kids. The people that exampled Jesus were; facilitators, worship leaders, pastors, teachers, and counsellors. They were women and men that overflowed Jesus in their lives. People like Donna Bromley and Ruth Young, mothers and grandmothers that brought young preteens into their homes and mentored them upward. There are many others that I can think of too, ordinary people inspired to use their God-given gifts for good. To build up.
Now, I am tired, and not just because it is after midnight.... but I find no restorative rest in anything other than Jesus himself. I would like to just move. I would like to search for the best of the best for my family. But the best is not a destination.
A question to ask: Where in my life can I use my abilities and God-given giftings?
If I am not being, or cannot be used of God, then why am I here? I want to live a purposeful life. I want to make intentional choices. I am not moved by others, and God can fill the spaces. This is not the conclusion of the issues at heart.... I am glad it is a start....

freeing words

The hardest thing in life, is trying to be me. There is a heaviness in trying to remain who I am in the midst of some. Is trying on my soul to be pushed, bullied, misunderstood, ignored, and grouped in with people who are not presenting what I stand for. Family can be the biggest critic. Disrespect is the culture of mine. I can be culprit of it all too. It entangles. I hate that the most. I don't want to be tangled. Just when I feel free, if only a bit, I am dragged under again into the bitter rage. The not-so-funny thing is, we all just want to feel love. To be loved in our own. To be ourselves.
I just long for a life where I can be left alone. I am drawn to those who are encouraging, strengthening, and challenge me. I want to be that too. I think I am, unless I am feeling dragged. Please don't drag me anymore.

A minute to let go of frustrations.

I don't have time to be here. I am exhausted and overwhelmed this week. Often. I have laundry and dishes to do, school to blog and report, kids hair to cut and wash. Life is busy and full. My heart is not full at the moment. It comes in waves. I am waiting. I am longing for so much more but stuck in a half house. Half full of Jesus and half full of unbelief. It makes me angry, frustrated. Vented anger is unloving. That adds to the un-Jesus parts. A half way house is a perfect metaphor for how I feel; partly recovered but on probation, and surrounded by the destroying sickness that could send you back to the hell you came out of. I try to be brave. Everyday. And since leaving my bed is leaving my comfort zone, everyday is hard. That sounds ridiculous, but it is true. Everyday is painful and scary and hard. It seems that the only escape is to fly free of all of this and live a simple serving life. I know that life. When you are completely walking in the will of the Father, there is no fear. Or at least no overcoming, unhealthy fear.
So, here I am waiting for some free flying and some brave people to step up. Why is it that we protect the wrong, and in that decision, maim the weaker. Sometimes even maim the whole. I am waiting for a change in community. Community is important. Overarchingly important. And that is not even a word but it should be. There is an overarching (and that is a word) importance to protect the whole. Fix the problem or we will all bleed to death. Think in terms of the body. Cuts bleed. Infections fester. But, salves heal. Kind words mend. Bandages tied protect. And it is time for diagnoses. It is time for a growing. I no longer want to be a transplant that is never fully functioning. I want to be part of the whole. It is the time for that.     
Pray for me. For my family. For my heart health. For my community of God seeking people. I know what my heart speaks. I just have to wait for the changes.      

What about the children?

I feel a bit of a sifting. Sifting is weighty business. I feel the adding on and building of new dreams. Or rather new callings. There is only one problem. I am at my end. God has to take it from here. It will take time, but God is in no rush. His purposes are full and intricate, weaved together. I am about faith, and we are about family, about being purposeful and true. Intentional. But at the end of faith, there is action. I am no longer looking at some foreign romanticized mission. I am looking at a broken, messy, aching need.
So for now there will be prayer. I first need to be a mom who displays loving-kindness foremost. This is hard. I am tired. I am impatient. I was raised harshly. I still feel the harshness searing me at times. It breeds fear. I am afraid of everything. But, I am also the Lord's. I belong to Him first and foremost, and His good love casts out all that fear. He has changed our home front when it comes to teaching our children, and we are in the midst of some good marriage deepening too. He is able to change the way in which I approach discipline. The way I react to disobedience, the kind that wears at you, day in and day out. It will start with something like this.... His loving-kindness leads us to repentance. And I will search Him out until I look back and see where I've come.
And then He will add on purpose to that, to this, change. And, maybe a man will change along side me- before or after. There is no limit to God. A path beyond imagination, as long as we choose "yes."   

He works all thing for the good of those....

As I struggle lately, I see all sorts of pieces. As I try to fit together God's plan in my human mind, I see bits of thread. I see where He's brought me, in one place. I see Him leading my children, gathering them up in the now. Big theological questions come from a little man body, talks of baptism, a Kid's Church lesson that has led to daily prayers- unguided, self-initiated prayers. And this morn, with my daughter, talks of decision. Faith in itself has been growing. And that first kindle of faith is where we start to believe. This is big. All these things are fruit. As long as there is fruit I can be okay.
I have been thinking of all prayers. Of lunch time prayers. I don't like meaningless speech. I don't like prayers that are fake and so I often wonder at the significance. Or maybe of where I can find significance- meaning for my heart. Of course, we are thankful for provision, but why in this way? I have been reading a book of thanks, of a mom that seeks out grace-joy-thankfulness. Is it not to forget- this custom that we do daily? I think a thought of the beginning. Does this go all the way back to when the Israelites had to trust God for their meal, for the manna? The "what is it?" And then they gave thanks, and carried on giving thanks. To never forget that the provision was given by God Himself. And why do we think that just because we can go get our provisions at want, that it still does not come from God Himself? This has meaning to me. This I can give thanks for- to remember, to practice, to never let our children forget- to teach them, to teach ourselves, that all this is from God's hand. From His very hand.
And as of late, I have had another thought. Of prayers unspoken. Of prayers that I never asked for, but needed regardless. Of a God who sees me and knows me, and knows better than I know myself. I see my husband who is a gentle man- a man who loves his children and treasures them, and does not easily anger. A man who frustrates me to no end with his inability to see the urgency in any given situation. But then, where is the urgency? Is that just me. In all this, God has given me a huge gift. A gentle man- father-husband. And, I am thankful. And, this is fruit. Fruit of a thread woven in by God.

Bringing to the Table.

Everything is learned. Everything. And I want to be intentional. So, what does that look like? What do I let influence me? Who do I let teach me, mold me? And what about my children.... who do I let influence them? How do I stay ever changing, ever striving with a heart like King David? I cherish the friends that are like this. The ones that are changing and growing. The ones that know they are flawed, yet know that they are being perfected. Not perfect, but changing. Not stagnant, but stepping forward as much as able. Then, how do I influence those around me the same as I wish to be influenced? Do I let everything fall as it may? Again, am I intentional? Things cannot be undone. Things can be used for good, but cannot be undone.
I read a book awhile ago. I wish I had not. I had to finish it, had to reconcile this disturbing story. I could not undo it and so I read on, hoping for some redeeming factor. There was completion but no redemption. A hopeless story; God was not in it.
God is in my story.... When I am intentional, maybe when I am not. If I am His, and I am, then he plans it all out. Even when I start a Godless tale, he redeems my endings. My middles too. He changes and reconciles all things concerning me. I am thankful that my God is not some magic genie waiting to be appeased, but is personal. He doesn't grant me wishes, but waits until I come to Him and then He starts unfolding plans already written. Good plans. 
Right now, I have become intentional with myself and with my kids. I am being taught and learning firsthand from the Word of God. I am teaching my children from the foundation, and at home. What next? How do I be intentional with who I influence? How do I reach outwardly again now that foundations have been restored? What do I give of myself without tiring? Who do I keep, or let, in my sphere of influence? I think, only those who are willing to move? The ones who are genuine. Everything teaches. Some things taint. I don't want to stain someone of my weaknesses. I don't want theirs either. But, we need each other to see these things. Singularity brings blindness. So, who do I influence that influences me right back? Do they rejoice in evil? Do they tell me the truth? Do I listen to the truth? Can I tell them the truth? I am big on truth.
All these things bring me right back to God and His plan, and the question.... Am I intentional?   
A new heart prayer.... To be wholly intentional.