A minute to let go of frustrations.

I don't have time to be here. I am exhausted and overwhelmed this week. Often. I have laundry and dishes to do, school to blog and report, kids hair to cut and wash. Life is busy and full. My heart is not full at the moment. It comes in waves. I am waiting. I am longing for so much more but stuck in a half house. Half full of Jesus and half full of unbelief. It makes me angry, frustrated. Vented anger is unloving. That adds to the un-Jesus parts. A half way house is a perfect metaphor for how I feel; partly recovered but on probation, and surrounded by the destroying sickness that could send you back to the hell you came out of. I try to be brave. Everyday. And since leaving my bed is leaving my comfort zone, everyday is hard. That sounds ridiculous, but it is true. Everyday is painful and scary and hard. It seems that the only escape is to fly free of all of this and live a simple serving life. I know that life. When you are completely walking in the will of the Father, there is no fear. Or at least no overcoming, unhealthy fear.
So, here I am waiting for some free flying and some brave people to step up. Why is it that we protect the wrong, and in that decision, maim the weaker. Sometimes even maim the whole. I am waiting for a change in community. Community is important. Overarchingly important. And that is not even a word but it should be. There is an overarching (and that is a word) importance to protect the whole. Fix the problem or we will all bleed to death. Think in terms of the body. Cuts bleed. Infections fester. But, salves heal. Kind words mend. Bandages tied protect. And it is time for diagnoses. It is time for a growing. I no longer want to be a transplant that is never fully functioning. I want to be part of the whole. It is the time for that.     
Pray for me. For my family. For my heart health. For my community of God seeking people. I know what my heart speaks. I just have to wait for the changes.