Bittersweet.

My friend's are my cloud of witnesses. Surrounding me on this weird day. An unspoken protection. Maybe even subconsciously. I love this. I didn't realize it right away. I see it now. I love my friends.
And today was definitely a strange one of sorts. Not over yet but in a moment I think today has been a change. I felt it. I think I might have contributed to this. I sent a small message. Just a random thought of correction. It had huge meaning. It feels nice. It is like the part where you say, "I'm sorry and I love you," and then you breathe tears and then you hug.  Now I am really putting myself out there for those of you who know what I am talking about. And I am not meaning to be inappropriate at all. I will cling to reality in these thoughts.
Have you ever seen that show, There's Something About Earl? Where he goes to the people he has wronged in the past and tries to fix it all. He can't, and it goes all wrong. But in the end there is a change and it is better. It is like that.

Holy mess.

I can't even begin to sort through the waves of emotion crashing over me. I am such a mess. I long to grab hold of the tide that will pull me out, away from the rocks. I might just fall head-on, over the rocks and be drug under water. Why is it so hard for me to make the decisions I want to make, if only in my heart.
I wonder if I had fixed up these feelings a long time ago, then maybe I wouldn't be in a raging storm. But I know that probably isn't true. It doesn't matter. I have a love/hate relationship with trials. I love them for learning me to be better. I hate them for the wicked scars that remind me.
At this point I am standing at the edge. This is an extremely dangerous place. It looks pretty in spots, but the rocks are just below the surface. Their powerful jagged edges saying, "this is no place to jump in...." They echo their words as a warning. I stand at the edge for hours. For days. Contemplating consequence. Contemplating how I care either way. I long to care. Then I am tired and long not to care.
This is where the weather turns. It has to. I want to force it away but it has to run it's course as with times before. And the truth is that it will change. For the better. The tide will rise above the rocks, if I can just hold on until then. If I can just learn to be still and wait on the tide.

Tortured reality.

I am a tortured dreamer. I wait for them. I want to go back into them and finish the dream. I don't think that this is unusual. To want to make the dream work.
I treasure my friends. I hold a place for anyone that has been close to me. I don't like to let go.
I think that is where the tortured dreams come in.
I often dream that someone is coming back. Turning time. But then the tortured part. I have moved on. I am torn. I want to make it work. I want to fix the torture.... but I have to let it go.
The waking up part sucks. It messes with my reality. I miss whoever I have been dreaming about but they aren't around and couldn't be. Won't be. And if they were, my reality would be just like my dreams.... I would have to let go, move on.
I have moved on... but when they come back in my dreams, it reminds me of what is gone, or lost, or missed.
I don't mind changing the relationship. The way we interact. The time we spend. I just don't like disconnect. So, if you are my friend. You are always welcome, you are always loved. And if you feel like this is strange because you haven't seen me in forever.... I have met you in my dreams many times.
One day my friend, one day.

Creative cold.

It feels like autumn today. It is only July. It makes me want to put on a warm sweater and quilt. I love the fall. I just would love some summer sun to store up for the long winter. And my kids are restless. There is nothing going on. No programs. No school. And I can't really quilt. Life is too busy. In fact I can't even leave the room without someone fighting, crying, screaming, sneaking something they aren't supposed to, making a huge mess. I haven't had a break for a loooong time. I don't even want one. I am too tired. I can't wait until our fence is built so I can let the kids run and just sit. Sit and stare and relax and soak up some vitamin D. Would a weeks worth of good sleep, some vitamin D, and a getaway (even for a few hours) help at this point? Then maybe my body would match my ambition and I could quilt.

standing alone.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. Really happy. I see glimpses of it. I might even know how to get there. It can't be recreated. It just happens. From happy things. Even my happy things are tainted. And I just want to cry. If I can just cry then maybe I can be happy again. This is the feeling that has come. I don't like feeling stuck. I don't like feeling in a cloud. A protective cloud of nothingness. I don't know when I started being angry. I hate being angry. I have forgiven the angry stuff but I can't go back and fix those places. They have left scars. Unhappy ones. Sometimes I think about going back in my mind. Scenarios's that just make it worse. I can't go back. I am stuck in forward. With scars. With decisions that drag me down. I can't rise above because my path is twisted and I can't be stronger... maybe as strong as I was, because my leg is broken. Or my heart. That's it. My heart is broken. In many pieces. And I lost those pieces. I miss those times. Those people. Those places. But I am changed. Maybe for the better. But not stronger. And now I am unknown. I have to start all over. I have to be me. I want to be her again for awhile. Or her. Me hurts. I am alone. Except for Jesus.