the next

I think there is something going on. A movement. A rolling over of position. A drawing in of the edges. A separating and a refining. A rising of new leaders. A refreshing of purpose and a desire of new direction. I am so in.

In sight of love.

This morning as I was filling my body, and filling my soul (aka- eating breakfast, having a coffee, and reading my bible in my devotional time), I got some good news from a friend. I then got a cool thought-picture. I was reading right at the beginning of Ephesians. It says:
Ephesians 1:4-6~ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
I could just imagine God, sitting in the place where he finds quiet, and thinking on the world. But not just the world- all the workings of it and the people in it. He chose us in him before the creation of the world! Amazing. Did he sit there and ponder and create in his inmost self? He knew us and loved us. Did he imagine our faces and hearts, our hair color and life-filled eyes? In love he predestined us. Think on him creating and his heart filling as he thinks on us. I am continually blown away by these type of thoughts. God does not make a plan as he goes. He made us as he planned and his plan is ongoing, and not by the seat of his pants. His plan is purposeful and beautiful, and was first and last. Don't you want to know that God? I sure would and do. Mahal na mahal kita Jesus.

A guitar.

When I was younger my Uncle Hans and Aunty Sandy ran the Life House. A place for people who didn't have much to come and have a meal. There was fellowship too. They would open the big doors and leave them open. I remember sitting with my Uncle Hans and he would pick up his guitar and a binder full of worship songs. I always loved to sing and I would sit there all night if I could. I love these memories.
I have been thinking on this. My friend had stopped by to talk about worship songs and maybe jam a bit. We didn't get a  chance but now I am craving that. I would love to have some summer nights out on the porch with a guitar and our voices. A place where we don't have to follow the rules and flow of church time. We can just worship. I need to collect some new music too. I am definitely planning this.

Wrecked but clean.

I think we dance in the expanse between "I'm Not Good Enough" and "I Am Better Than." We rise up  and seek goodness and justice, and realize that we can't. We are humanly incapable of this. And then we dive into a free fall of giving up. Or wanting to. A week of chaos or sadness brings on a want to lay down and die. Or maybe not die but wait for Jesus to come and get us. The world says we aren't good enough. The church says we aren't good enough..... and God agrees. He does, not one of us is blameless. But, only He offers a solution. He Is. And so we realize that there is a thing called grace. That our want and dedication equals up to nothing without the integral part of our existence: God. A God who knows us and knew us before we were a thought to anyone else. Jesus who washes us from the inmost parts and presents us spotless. Clean. Not by our works. Clean.  

Little Oaks: The calling.

Little Oaks: The calling.: I have been reading through homeschool blogs and have read so many stories of mom's saying they were called to homeschool. I feel the same. ...

grassy fields

I am waiting. I am ready for change. I know it is coming. It is time to wait. Summer is coming. It is time to sit and sometimes kneel, to watch the growth. To see and nurture all fullness coming. The waiting not to be misinterpreted for staleness. In this waiting there is a hope, an expectation. The growth is intricate and you may not see the changes that are happening from the inside, or from the ground up.... one day you will look and see height and depth. And that is the nature of my God.

Fields of apple trees.

I am scrolling down on this blog of mine this morning and realizing something good. I began with posts of mourning. Writing of hurt, sorrow, anger.... I am now writing about hope. Promises fulfilled. This year, 2012, is good. A year of rebuilding. Of carrying on past the pain. Or rather, where pain has been healed. Scars are just the reminders of grace, and on this mountain I can see where I've been, where the path is still crooked, and where there is a horizon of joy to come. There are always rocks to climb but the view is a little bit clearer. I am so grateful to my God for that. Hugely.

of babes

I am struggling with something. It is making me miserable. But it's okay because I am on the edge and about ready to jump in....
In the beginning of the year I had talked about wanting to add a new babe to our family. Maybe. And then God started placing it in my heart to homeschool my children. I began to think that this was my baby. A huge shift in my family. A newness....
But now I am overwhelmed with a sense of want for more children. My body doesn't feel quite ready but I almost feel an urgency to give this over to God and let myself be whatever He chooses.
I feel like it is going to be one of those steps that I don't see the fullness of until I am there. I am feeling a push in my spirit though. I am reminded over again of what I have always desired- that being many children. I have searched out what God thinks about this. I believe children are a blessing, not something we are entitled to. I believe that when we trust God, he provides all our needs. I do not believe in common birth control and I am tipping even farther on that scale. I won't go into the rest of this all but I am feeling God saying.... Trust in me Tara and your joy will be full.
My human mind has twenty good reasons to keep on as I am. My spiritual mind has ten better ones to change this way. My culture is in defiance of both of these. I am not fearful in this moment but I can feel the joy rising up. I don't know how to make this change happen or when, but the more I argue with myself, the more I hear God's truth. I believe it. All of it.