brain sick

I should have stayed home today. My PTSD is showing. I hate it. It just comes on like a storm. I am fine and good and then the next day I am trying to keep my car on the road and concentrate. I went to bed last night with images of curving roads flashing in my head from trying to hold on all day. I wanted to sleep but I have to wait until I stop shaking, or I pray that I fall asleep fast before my heart stops beating. Wow, that it really bad now that I said it out loud but it's been the norm for me for a long time. That said, today I should have stayed home....
I know when I have had enough. It's like the intelligent part of my mind switches off and the sensing part takes over. But it takes over thirty times stronger. I see in frames and I joke that I have mom brain but it is not mom brain, and it is not fun. I am so glad that we cleaned the house before we left today, and I am glad that the kids are settled into a movie, and I can rest for a few. I think I need to sleep and sift through some lies now. This day was off. Serious off. And yesterday I saw a friend that makes me feel sorrow and the need to reach out and grab her, mid air. That whole situation frustrates me. There are other things going on too, not to mention here.
I really do think that this month is going to be good but I feel a bit angry lately. Angry isn't good. I need to not forget how far in we are this year. It is time for the next mountain. Or maybe this time I won't have to climb. And is this really post traumatic stress, or is it fear trying to creep back in? Sickness coincides with starvation. My soul needs to be fed and my body needs to rest. I am staying home this month. And I pray that God makes the good happen, because I sure cannot. My hope is in Him. Good thing. My redeemer, He is faithful.