One crooked side of the wall.

I was thinking awhile back that my husband didn't sign up for this; for a wife striving for God's purpose in her family. We didn't have a family then, but my heart light was shadowed. I was then thinking that he loved me at my worst. Or at least the end of my worst? It was not good anyways. Did he know it was my worst. Probably not. I put up walls. Huge ones. I needed them. Too much pain and I needed to shield myself from any more. The funny thing about walls is that they work. They keep people out, they keep pain out.... but they keep pain in too. I think by trying to keep out any more destruction, I kept out any growth. God was there but He in me was shadowed from the outside. There are many blessings that came out of those curses now, and changes from lies grasped in my hand that I could not see. It is just too bad that all those walls happened. Then one day I found myself shouting from the inside and those walls started to crumble. Anyways, you know that part of the story but now I am living on the other side, rebuilding new walls with gates, that are for truth to be held but not shadowed. I wish I was not building them alone. I wish I was the one doing the mortar and not the heavy lifting. But I am. Sometimes I just want to kick them in cause I am still hurting, and build them up at a better time. But that time would never come and besides this wall has a gate to let people in and let some light out.
....And then I see a friend, doing the same as me. Building up brick walls. Only her eyes telling the truth. You can't grow in darkness and I want to warn her. I can't. I am on the outside of the wall. But every time I see her eyes I can feel that scream cry from the inside. I know it too well. I just want to carry her for awhile.... but I can't. I already have a load too heavy to handle and if I reach out, I might drop it. Can you build a friend's wall? I can build a friend up, but there is a crowd forming and I can't get through. I need a quiet place to help. I am not strong enough to push through that crowd right now.
And what right do I have to say anything. I am not better than her. I am barely made whole in grace. Slipping in and out of hope. Hope in my redeemer. Slim to none in my situation. But God is above both of ours. I am waiting for some help. Maybe I am the one who needs to be carried. I am doing a bad job of holding on and I think my wall is crooked. Prayer please.