stirring up

If church is the small talk of conversation, then home-groups are the deep. A church community is so vital. I have missed this, but found it again recently. When I was young, I remember tons of this. The places where I longed to be with the adults listening in on their conversations about God and life. I came home joy-filled this Sunday, after a potluck and fellowship. With just two of my kids, I stayed late- past the bigger crowd, and enjoyed some deeper conversation. And, the best.... amidst the conversation was the Word of God. I am blessed. Four kids. A church community. A good husband. A Father and Lord who chose me first and is involved in the details of my life. Phew. Blessed. I often feel sad, and far, overwhelmed.... but these moments, they renew my soul.

Hebrews 10:19-25 (English Standard Version)

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁹ Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, ²⁰ by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, ²¹ and since we have a great priest over the house of God, ²² let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. ²³ Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

I should really be sleeping.

Tonight I got a chance to share a good word with an old friend. I am hopeful for her. I also searched for our homeschool curriculum and made a little boy a piece of toast. Before all this, I listened to that good word for myself, and talked with a best now friend. A few hard days are just behind me, but life is made okay when there is a little light shone on the good hanging around. It's 12:23am on a Thankful Thursday so I might as well start my list. I am thankful for....
1. Talk of a soon-to-be-born baby to a sweet old friend. 
2. A good word from a new resource. (A free app from Mars Hill Church- so far so good).  
3. Looking forward to Sarah's thankfulnesses..... I really do. They are simply picturesque.
4. My kindred spirit friend, who I can pray with, share with, and make play dates with. 
5. An upcoming yearly trip with kindred spirit friend. 
6. For BC having the best funding for homeschoolers.
7. For a series on the apostles from a knowledgeable Pastor.
8. For an organized email from our new teaching mentor, which encourages me that all things are well.
9. For four gorgeous, healthy, strong children. When I look at them, I can't believe I am blessed with four children.
10. For change and for my husband who I grow with yearly. (Married 8 years next month).

To read. To confirm.

I am following some really lovely blogs at the moment. It is good when things speak confirmation in your life.
Wanna join me?

http://www.aholyexperience.com/

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/04/09/in-need-of-an-emergency-contact/

A thought for the day.

I think it would be lovely if we could just plan out who we wanted to be and be just that, only and perfectly. If we could form a collection of thoughts and then walk into those things easily and fully. I want to be, long to be, fully kind. I want to be ever-patient, slow to anger, graceful, even beautiful or put together. I am sometimes said to be encouraging, wise occasionally. I hold to those things thankfully. But, what of those places that I can't grasp hold of- those ever-patient kind of places? I am fully human, unable to be without fault. I have been shaped and taught from my circumstances. I have been carved from legacies and traditions, from habits. I am foreign to certain traits and places, and when tired I retreat back into my personal cultural norm.
When I was young, I used to think I was strong. I could hold to my beliefs like nobody's business. I could hold tightly to a standard of my choosing. I was strong because I could hold on. And, what did people say of me? I was caring, cute, smart, shy. But, was that enough?
As I age, in body and spirit, I feel broken and weak more often than not. Life is tumbling forward at a much quicker kind of pace. I can't always juggle and organize all of the choices that I want to keep to. I am tired and retreating to my weaker state. In this, I have found that being strong is not about holding on; it is about letting go. It is about who God says I am. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am chosen. I am hemmed in.
The world speaks of the outside. My God is concerned with the inside.
I need to think on that. My focus not towards patience, or some other ideal. I need to work on letting go. I need to let go of all the things that I want to form, and give God room to form His good plan, in me and through me. To lay all my plans before Him. To not focus on the end or the wanted fruitfulness, but the means- namely God Himself. My plans never work out my way anyways. I can never protect my kids enough, be patient enough, use grace-filled words enough, keep my house pure enough, or keep myself pure enough. I can only let God build character in my kids through trials and lessons; I can only let Him build my character when I reset each day with perseverance; I can only steward my children to grow at their own pace and pray that they turn out well; I can only ask Him for the words when I am at a loss; I can only seek and lean into God and His word, and let Him do the purifying and heart changing from the inside out.

I am not fully strong when I hold on tightly.... I am only strong enough when I let go.